You tried to. Oh how you tried to.
Sharing the details of me with basically a stranger. Details of us. Behind my back. Think about how that feels to me today. You say you were not looking - and yet you gave into divulging the details. I wonder just how many you shared. I'm sure there was sympathy and (since you were already weakened in your commitment to me ) then responses carefully replied to make the grass look so much greener. Maybe she played you --- would you even recognize it if she did?
It's one of the questions, I need no answer to. I did need it --- but no longer. See, I came to terms with the reality this week. It may not be your reality, but it is mine.
When you destroy trust the way you did, it not only destroys the trust in you, it destroys the ability to trust forever. My future is not nearly as bright for the next relationship. That person will have to work so much harder because the walls got so much reinforcing. You, however, have the bright and shining promise of this much better relationship you "fell into".
Think about this too --- she knew you were cheating on me --- so WAY in the back of her mind, will she always wonder if it could happen to her?
I've learned a lot in the last three weeks. Knights in shining armor --- well they need to keep that armor polished up. This means honoring their word. Being the person they profess to be. Not having hidden frustration when some simple (maybe difficult) conversation could help or even fix it. (actually that falls under honoring their word) Above all I thought you were a man of your word.
I've learned that hatred doesn't fit me at all. Nor does anger. Bitterness, Vindication.
Forgiveness - that fits. Grace - that fits. Accepting that "it is what it is" - that fits. And those things will let us remain friendly.
I laid in the floor for two fucking weeks ---- I puked at every thought of your for those same two weeks. I petitioned my case with your girls - you sister --- I even tried to bargain with God. All while giving you permission to be happy. And I really do hope you are happy. All those days, she's gone. Will you wonder? Will she worry?
Then the hatred from others - the ugly texts - that made me realize that your girls actually blamed me for SO MUCH DRAMA over the last seven years. Nope - not taking blame for that either.
You have so much fallout around this. I kinda really wouldn't want to be where you are.
Let's look at me ---
Aside from the new walls I put up after you dumped me for her
1. I was 100 percent faithful to you - to my path - to my committment.
2. I am doing the work to protect me from the hatred of my ex and my children. It ain't easy work but it is important and worth it in the long run.
3. I partnered with you.
4. I prepared for so much.... and the one thing I never thought I would have to prepare for - you cheating - I wasn't --- well that shit won't happen again. I will forever be prepared (see the note about walls)
5. Your age - your vision - your health .... none of those scared me. I signed up for the long haul --- Sorry it turned out to be a short trip.
6. I kept you updated about were I was - when - how. Well - we know how well you did that.... Winder Waffle House --- does she drink a lot of coffee too.
7. I recognized the challenges - you weren't prepped to meet them. Strength of character or commitment? I'm not sure. But I was committed to you completely. And I was much stronger in my commitment
That's enough comparison --- it doesn't fit me well either.
Here's what does feel right.
1. I now know your children disliked me (and you) I am so sorry for that. You got big work to do there buddy. I no longer have that burden.
2. Thank you for teaching me to take good notes. Deep in the core of my being, I knew. You were not as good at hiding her as you thought. Trust me - even you are not that good. So I did have a bit of prep work done before I asked those questions.
3. Thank you for all the good memories. For the laughter. For all those times that we were so damned good. I hope you remember those too.
4. There were moments when starting over might have worked. But as each day passes and I realize you are telling her all that you told me, well I deserve better than all this. OOH the colors are brighter. You feel so much younger. Guess it really depends on who you point it at. Yeah --- I remember - Heard all of that.
5. Those nights when she is gone who knows where. You'll think of me and wonder. Let me assure you that I will be doing just fine. When your health is an issue and she's no where around. I'll be just fine. When you are lonely and need someone --- think about this --- I committed to the long haul and you took me out like so much garbage.
Apparently you needed more...... I don't know what more.
Here's the scoop. You've made me feel less than her. You've made me feel less than a lot of things. But that feeling didn't last very long.
I am smart.
I am capable.
I am funny.
I am far from perfect.
I am a survivor.
I am so many more things that you lost sight of.
I loved you --- yes it is now a past tense format.
I went out of my way to be your partner at every turn.
And hear this loud and clear.
I am stronger than you ---- I can say that because I was able to guard what was precious to me. I guarded your heart. I kept mine away from temptation. I guarded us with the same fierceness a mama guards her children. You failed to do that. Yes you failed me --- you failed us --- you failed your word - you failed yourself.
That makes me stronger. That makes me hold my head up with a grace and dignity that no one will EVER TAKE FROM ME.
And I will continue to do the right thing. To handle things as RIGHT as I can. And in the moments where I fail --- I will be a decent person andI will apologize and try to make it all right.
I will do the work to preserve my relationship with my children. I will do the work do preserve a friendship with my ex. I am not at all afraid of the work.... and I am woman enough to do it.
You may feel like you aren't enough of a man...well now is the time to find out.
I will survive your destruction. I will rise again. You will see me and know. You will KNOW... I was a hell of a loss because you couldn't be a man of your word.
You don't get to UNHURT me --- but you will get to watch while I walk through life without you --- and you will realize that yours was a huge mistake.
Have you told her - you've not paid all the divorce settlement? Have you told her you sat on settling your daddy's affairs for years because you were afraid to move forward? Have you even told her about the economic effects on your life? Have you told her about_______ about________ about_______? For all your talk about being a friend to have them, you certainly chose not to be a partner and your partner should be your very best friend.
I'll go into the future with full disclosure --- including how I got my heart battered, because "he said I took too long doing the right thing by my children." No sir --- not your decision. My children were at the center of my goals --- and no amount of time spent doing right by them was or is too long. You should ponder that with your children. It's important.
So many failures to honor your word. So many mistakes. So much disrespect from you to me. So you hurt me. You did not destroy me. You are not enough man to destroy me. Think about that.
I loved - I lost - it hurt - I will heal - I will survive - I will thrive. You may not --- that part is up to you.
