A whole damn lot

"October's Party"

October gave a party;
The leaves by hundreds came-
The Chestnuts, Oaks, and Maples,
And leaves of every name.
The Sunshine spread a carpet,
And everything was grand,
Miss Weather led the dancing,
Professor Wind the band.

The Chestnuts came in yellow,
The Oaks in crimson dressed;
The lovely Misses Maple
In scarlet looked their best;
All balanced to their partners,
And gaily fluttered by;
The sight was like a rainbow
New fallen from the sky.

Then, in the rustic hollow,
At hide-and-seek they played,
The party closed at sundown,
And everybody stayed.
Professor Wind played louder;
They flew along the ground;
And then the party ended
In jolly "hands around."

George Cooper

This has LONG LONG been a favorite poem for me. Don't know why, but it is. 

Maybe because fall weather in northeast Georgia really feels like that poem and makes me want to party like this.

I took the picture today on a sudden, unplanned "windshield time" road trip for work.

As I noticed the brilliant red - it actually took my breath away. 

Stop - turn around - find place to safely pull over - get out - take picture - talk to the homeowner who lives at this beauty - count the blessings that accompany such an impromptu meeting - share a smile and a few laughs at the crazy picture taking lady - go on my merry way. 

I rode in the sunshine and blue skies with my windows down.

Radio playing country favorites today. 

Tomorrow may be gospel greats - never know with me. 

Trying to sing, but the horrible noise from my clogged, cruddy, infected sinus, sore throat was not cooperating, so I was just listening and thinking. 

Wind in my hair - chasing the loose strands and tucking them back in - thinking how unlikely some people think this would be for me. 

Fully realizing how I am coming full circle to who I really am in the core of my being. 

And finding myself liking that girl a whole damn lot.  

Remembering - riding on the back of daddy's truck - standing behind the cab wind in my face - grinning from ear to ear - laughing with my sister - ducking below an overhanging branch. Yes, I'm remembering her.

Even more than that, I'm re- acquainting myself with her as often as I can.

I went for years without riding with the windows down and I am really not sure why? Might mess my hair? Because air -conditioning is so comfortable? NOT A CLUE? 

But having decided to do these kinds of things - I like them. 

I have a question for you --- 

When is the last time you rode with the windows down? 

When is the last time you ran bare toes across the grass?

When is the last time you stood trying to see what the dog was barking at and saw a tiny little fox (or other critter cross the field)? 

Who was your little girl (or boy)? 

Do you miss that person? I didn't even realize I did.

But I'm finding her again

And I really like that girl a whole damn lot. 

Wow ----

I saw this on Facebook 

It resonated.

It is where I am finding myself.

More and more often. 

I have had bad reactions to some things

I've had good reactions too. 

But every day I find myself learning to regain control of where I want to be

Instead of going where I used to go

This is a very good thing. 

Not one person observed Saturday for what it was to me.

Just me. 

I remember every year. 

I used to expect others to remember too. 

Now that I am seeing things from a better perspective.

There were no expectations to be fell short of. 

So that means, my feelings were not hurt. 

17 years. 

It was life changing

It left me scarred

It tried again in 2010

It again left me scarred. 

It did not win

It will not win. 

Cancer sucks -- but it cannot suck me dry. 

here comes (and goes) the sun

On Saturday, my day was fully bracketed by God's majesty.

Up early - at our church Family Life Center - on a drizzly gray morning - I glanced out to see this.

(sorry, cell phone shot)

Just the glimmering streaky lights of the sun peeking through. 

As we went about getting ready - I found myself gravitating back to the front to watch the sun come up.

Bathing the morning with a stunning glow. 

I saw the sun spot - called people to the door to see.

Noel Dobbs - looked at me and said 

"you have a thing for sunrise and sunset"

I do have a thing for them 

I did not die on April 8, 2010

Bleeding internally from a cancerous tumor destroying my left kidney.

Requiring blood to stabilize me.

Shaken and scared. 

I didn't try to bargain with God. 

I faced the next several days getting really well acquainted with him. 

Facing the entire situation with prayer, faith, and humor. 

And here's a part of the story you may not know. 

I witnessed - just by being myself.

By allowing my faith to show. 

By having humor on my side. 

I tried to be gracious and grateful for every person I came into contact with. 

The aides.

The nurses.

The food service people.

The custodians.

That lady who awakened me to take vitals (yes even her)

On Sunday - that first weekend.

Knowing I had cancer in me.

Knowing I would face a major surgery the following week.

Still scared - still shaking. 

I was walking the halls. 

They let me out of bed - my blood count was finally safe. 

I swung into the hall - rolling IV stand with me - and announced loudly

"LET THE POLE DANCING BEGIN"

And up and down those halls I paraded. 

Laughing and facing my illness the best way I could. 

Sunday afternoon - the vitals lady - found me in one of the waiting rooms on that hall. 

I was wandering around and it was time for my vitals.

She asked me my name and birthdate.

Completed her job right there in that waiting room. 

Then sat down and looked at me. 

Questions on her face. 

She asked - how can you be so nice and cheerful and at peace with this?

Aren't you scared? 

Are you pretending? 

I answered - carefully measuring my words

"I have a faith basis."

Her face invited me to go on. 

I told her about my God. 

About my life with him in it.

About losing my Dad

About losing MaggieGrace

About the first cancer.

I told her about God's grace and his beauty 

about prospering us

about choosing. 

She nodded and said 

I want all that.

She considered herself a Christian

what she was missing was the personal relationship with God.

after about 30 minutes - we separated - I've never seen her again. 

I still wonder if she found it.

So yes NOEL - I have a thing for sunrise and sunset. 

Saturday night - headed to meet Molly and Ben for dinner

The golden glow of the sunset was breathtaking.

A Eucharisteo moment

I take all these beautiful moments and raise great thanks to God 

for bringing me new days

Each one with an opportunity to see and thank Him for the day.

I breathe the words from something I read long ago

"peace is seeing a sunrise (sunset) and knowing who to thank"

Molly shared her pictures of the sunset too. 

As did so many others on Instagram and facebook. 

Then early Sunday morning. 

Looking through my feeds and seeing the likes and comments that had been left on these images,

I posted ----

I am not a great morning person. But I am learning that it is not horrible to get up and going. Im learning that there is beauty in every moment. And to put my spin on something i read in the past - by being up early, i can watch God make a morning. This morning at 6 my text tone was there. "Good morning, i love you" i read. These five words remind me that every morning is good now. And every morning is to have its own little celebration of living and loving. Happy Sunday.

Good day God 

Thank you for making another morning that I get to be a part of.

Good morning - I love you.

Yes - every sunrise - every morning is good now

Yes - every sunset - every evening is good now.

Yes - every moment day and night  between the sunrise and sunset - every minute is good now.

I got a second chance to live

Yes - I have a thing for each very special minute of each very special day.

And dang those stunning sunsets.

I think of them as God's gift to celebrate just how special these days are. 

Cancer did not win.

And I am dang well gonna live fully. 

Scans

This morning.  No worries. Got prayers and my lucky charms on my side.

HOME ---

I just read a blog post and like many things a single line caught my attention ----

It's funny, I have friend who sees a therapist regularly and she is often asked to explain herself for these kinds of things. Maybe recognizing and then writing these impressions down is therapeutic. 

Here's the post I was reading.

here is the quote that slammed me.

"   I felt tired. It felt like it would be more work than I had the energy to do. I was confused about which way to go. I read go dark! I read go light! We didn’t have a large budget. I worried that I couldn’t get what I wanted without the right amount of money.

Until I just got tired of being tired."

That is me ---- that is my house ----- I know what happened ----- She moved away, thing changed, my give a damn is broke again. 

I'n the picture above, you can see a sliver of a dark wall. I want that dark paint gone so badly, I want light and pretty and PANTONE WHITECAP GREY walls - yes i do. And since she moved away, I'll have to do it myself. It's a long story and it is very complicated, but it is what it is. I want - I want - I want. And none of it is super expensive, its just super overwhelming. 

So - now I have really identified the problem and now I can really take that power away from it. 

The blogpost ended with the phrase "I feel silly for stalling" ---- yup - I want to be able to write that phrase. 

And I have one of the world's best GIVE A DAMN repairmen readily available.

Have a great afternoon. 

SUMMER WANES

Every week.

I have beauty on my desk.

Not purchased.

But somewhat planned.

A flower bed prepped and planted with the plan to cut blooms.

I never know what to expect to be there. 

But I sure know, it has been a wonderful summer.

Pretty too.

moments

Every morning on the way to work I talk to her.

How we slept. 

Where she is in her morning routine.

What she accomplished yesterday.

Plans (always tentative) for her day. 

Occasionally there is a snippet of REAL conversation

Occasionally there is HARD conversation. 

But, my friends, it is ALL good. 

See for many years it was stormy between us. 

Reasons -- honestly they don't even matter anymore.

He picked her up and brought her to the soccer field. 

She got out and took my hand as we started down the hill.

A moment. A beautiful moment. 

MY MAMA'S HAND IN MINE. 

She needed me for support.

It was extra effort for him.
To call her.
To convince her to come to sweet Addison's game.
To go get her.
But all that extra was brushed off with-
"It's the right thing to do."

And Addie smiled big and wrapped her arms around.
And my Mama smiled big and wrapped hers too.
And it was big and full and deep and beautiful.

And we started back up that hill.

And she took my hand again.

She needed me for support.

I needed her to need me.

Addie needs to love us both.
We need to love those around us HARD.
and BIG
and FULL
and DEEP

And go that little bit extra.
Not just talk about it.
Not just say things like
"You should spend more time with your Mama"
But try and find ways to make those MOMENTS happen.

Because it's the right things to do.

And the hand that trembled as it reached for my chin.

I needed it for support.

And now because of that.

I'm no longer scared to say that I need it.

So I held her hand and she held mine.
And it was big and deep and full and beautiful.

REALLY - The whole thing is just LOVE.

HOPE WINS

Add up the scores. Even in scrabble,  HOPE WINS.

Back there.......

It happened too fast. 

Too late to prepare.

Too late to respond.

But there it was. 

Then it was gone. 

It left me trying to live in the past again. 

To see things imagined.

If only..................

You know the feeling. 

If only I had done this. 

If only he had lived.

If only it wasn't so complicated. 

Then a text. 

Two words.

CALL ME.

And that phone call

Reminded me that I came out stronger after

That I want to live EVERY SINGLE DAY

Actively chasing dreams 

Not talking about it.

Dreaming about it. 

DOING IT DAMMIT. 

Not listening to others ways of handling it. 

Doing it in the best way I see.

Adapting as I go.

Maybe almost dying changed me. 

Maybe the weight of being sad was the deciding factor

Maybe realizing that I wanted to chase the dream. 

Whatever it was - here I am. 

Just today.

Not yesterday. 

Not tomorrow. 

But .

I am sorry I didn't wave.

A Weekend Treat

Fall in the mountains of north Georgia and Western North Carolina. 

A bit early for October's big colorful leaf gala

But still a wonderful get away. 

Sunny. Beautiful. Warm.

Windows down. 

Wind in my hair.

Tangles worth every bit of it. 

A bit of antiquing. 

Visits - yes plural - with friends. 

Friday evening included dinner with the Blind Pig crew. 

There was smoked chicken -and pork. 

And sides.
And dessert.

and dessert after dessert.

the food was wonderful.
but even better was the company.

We arrived to a film crew making a video.

There were wonderful status worthy comments
including but not limited to

"he's looking at me"

and

"it's not clumpy enough"

and then there was the whole

"creepy doll heads and a bleeding tree of death"

lots of laughter
LOTS
OF
LAUGHTER

after dinner we gathered for music

Tipper

Miss Cindy and Ruby
(note The Deer Hunters were warm while all us ladies were freezing)

this was a treat - I had no idea The Main Deer Hunter played as well. 

The Pressley Girls treated me to my favorites. 

It was a beautiful evening full of fun and love. 

I am looking forward to seeing the whole crew at their deer camp soon. 

This time we may all cook together but I think there will be some fresh apple cake. 

The John Campbell School Folk Festival

Always a huge treat.

Craft - artists at work

Performances

Demonstrations

It was a full two days

But I am so glad I took the time to go. 

I'm especially happy that I took time to visit with Tipper and her family.

Have a great week all

Big lessons from a small scale creation

The creative part of the tag above is covered at my other blog.

Here's the lesson that happened when the creative Muse brought her teaching companions. I call them Karma and the the Universe. But reality - God teaches and if we are open to the lessons, we can continually grow.

I started the tag for my 31 day project with NO IDEA how the crap to illustrate the word. Others on the list are so easy for me to picture, but this one - NOPE - BLANK - NO IDEA. (this fact should have been the first indication of a lesson coming - one which keeps your own ideas out of the way of the teaching)


I took the "easy" way out. I cut the dictionary definition out.  I read it - and I sat with it - and waited for the muse. (No digging thru my stuff or anything)

As I said earlier - she showed up and brought her friends and i said ---- UH-OH when those two show up - its gonna be a good one.

I pulled out my box of stuff labeled "GAME PIECES". Okay, maybe we are taking a "doing something fun makes you content" approach. I pulled a Monopoly $100.00 bill. Then from another box a tear-off ticket stub. Lying there on the table - a tag - and a strange assemblage of papers.

Get ready ------ here's the lesson

MONEY AND STUFF ARE NOT THE TICKET TO BEING CONTENT. CONTENTMENT REALLY DOES COME FROM FULLY ACCEPTING YOURSELF RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE NOW. 


This phrase repeatedly echoed in my brain. The remaining elements then literally were easy to add to the tag.

My thinking changed.

A stamp featuring a dog ----  give dogs food, shelter, and attention and they are happy as they can be. CONTENT with the very basics they have. Not at all concerned that his collar is not as nice as the poodle who live across the street wears. Or that he gets a bath at home instead of going to that fancy place she goes to.

The DMC Floss label - I have hundreds that I've kept. I also have LOTS of floss that I've never used. I cross stitched obsessively for years and went on a HAD TO HAVE all the colors on the list spree, then my enthusiasm waned for that craft.  On to the next obsession - (lather, rinse, repeat) you get the idea. OBSESSIVE BEHAVIOR IS NOT HEALTHY FOR ANYONE. BALANCE - fun and play and work and service and do not forget worship and rest. Balance your life and you will find a lot more CONTENTMENT. 

Then there's the little amber bead drop - I have a pickle jar FULL of assorted bits. Beads, trims, sequins, etc. A fabric warehouse sale with a bin full of ends and trimmings - sign saying stuff a bag for a dollar - most people get ONE --- me I stuffed three. 3.00 - sounds innocent doesn't it - but I rarely pull that jar to do anything with the stuff. Why? Because I have to dig through it. All mixed up. Aggravating. Another message. LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE - it's not a bargain if you are not going to USE it. I have beads and sequins and stuff that is sorted and easy to use and i go to them all the time. I should have been CONTENT with those and not looked at this pile and just had to have it.

That last little bit - a piece of cardboard tube with a tiny bit of string still on it. I have a jar of these in assorted colors. Have no idea why I bought them, but I did. Years ago. And this is very first time I have ever used one thing out of that jar. I display them in the jar in the studio and when I look at them it makes me happy. Someone saved these - just like me - thinking there may be use for this stuff in the future. This may seem to contradict the message of the tag so far, but here's my thinking on this. Being CONTENT does not mean just waiting for things to happen to you. Planning for future and working for things is not the same as waiting for this to happen before I can be happy. you know "I'll just be CONTENT when I pay off this" or "if I could just have _______ I would be CONTENT." 

I added a plain cotton string hanger to this because I want the reminder that while it looks complicated, there is often a plain and simple way to everything.

See - I told you the Muse brought the teachers on this one.

Let's just see what happens the rest of this month project.

And maybe - I'll use some of the stuff in that dang mixed jar of bits.

third time's the charm........

Three times today.

I've been here three times today.

I was putting water heaters away at work.

Struggling with a big one.

Splinter in my my finger from the crate. 

I cussed. 

A customer overheard

Said - you need to censor that.

Teasing - he was. 

And I realized.

though it appeared I quit measuring my words. 

Because the hesitation wasn't there.

Truth was.

I measured all the time. 

I was just very well practiced at it. 

And in taking things for granted. 

The tell-tale signs were easily missed. 

Then when all those miscuts

overflowed the room.

And it became evident that the measuring had to be more careful

everything just stalled

And then I really did quit measuring at all. 

That's when it all fell apart. 

Some measuring is needed

For it all to fit right.

So don't tell someone to stop measuring their words and thoughts.

Just learn what the measurements mean.

And work within that plan.

conversations .....

It was an innocent sounding conversation

Like women do when they let their guards down and really talk.

She shared the weight gain. 

And reasons why. 

Not excuses ---- reasons. 

It's about control isn't it? 

Or lack of. 

there is the point where you beat yourself up. 

YOUR OWN LACK OF CONTROL. 

then comes the point where life is out of control 

and you grab onto the one thing you can. 

My issues are with food. 

I blame that for my weight gain. 

Because - if I try to control it - I am afraid of the anorexia. 

But that is an excuse

And "excuses are lies you tell yourself."

NO excuses from me today.

This is going to sound like "Squirrel Shit" 

Random Babbling --- but hey, it's my blog - and I want this written down. 

I am a woman in what most would consider MIDLIFE. 

FYI - I wear my hair too long for my age. 

according to some. 

But I've worn it short too. 

And had feathers. 

And bright red spikes.

(Those went over great with some.

And no so great with others.)

Hair  - its just hair.

Guess what - I am the same person either way.

I've told my girls - it's hair - it grows back. As long as it's clean - wear it anyway you choose.

If you ask some, I should dress differently than I do. 

Putting on new jeans and cowboy boots and calling that dressed is completely ok with me. 

I happen to love my boots. 

I really love my red ones.

And I really am saving for some Old Gringos

I do however hate to pull at my clothes

I have control over that.

I can wear comfy. 

And I can work towards making the ones I already own fit better

Next thing I've told my girls.

Don't dress slutty - you know cut down to here and up to there and then expect men to treat you with respect.  

Control. 

Go ahead - try to control others. 

Won't work.

Only one you can control. 

Is yourself.

Judging is a form of trying to control.

You could.

You should. 

He should.

She should.

Why did you?

Why didn't you? 

Don't you think that's inappropriate?

You really need to do that "THIS" way.

(Interpret "THIS" as "MY")

Go ahead - try to control others.

You may even have that idea hidden from yourself.

Call it loving correction.

Call it opinion.

Call it what ever.

They will balk.

They may even walk.

I know --- it happened to me.

Now I know - the ONLY one I can control

IS ME!!!

never far

That's Rusty. 

Bucket Boy.

He's my dog. 

That's my leg. 

My work stool in the studio.

If I am where he can get to me, he is never very far. 

I bring him in - off his run - and we snuggle and rough house and tumble and treat. 

After that, mama has to work. 

He settles down - always close by.

Ever aware of my moving around. 

Not knowing exactly what I'm doing. 

Content to be near. 

Listening for my voice to include or instruct him. 

And as quickly as he hears me. 

There he is.

Tail wagging.

Ready to GO. 

Hmmmmmmm - I'm studying Samuel with my little kids. 

Is this a good illustration for the verse? 

"Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening." 

1 Samuel 3:9

And so He speaks to me.