2017 A look back --- and forward from here

My OneWord for 2017 was RE-FOCUS. 

Whoo - hoo did I do that. 

My biggest refocus was financial. 

I set a goal to pay off a particular debt in 2017 and tomorrow morning, I will do that. 

(just in the knick of time) 

I also have made major progress on paring down - getting rid of - organizing and all that kind of stuff. 

I am calling it a good year. 

Now for pretty pictures ---

When I was pregnant with my oldest, I was terrified. 

Would she be ok?

Would I be ok? 

I didn't have clue about being a Mom, and yet there I was expecting a child. 

I had a dream about her. 

In the dream, she was an adult and was walking up the driveway at her Grandparents house. 

A tall, thin, dark headed adult.

I never worried about her reaching adulthood again. 

Fast forward - 27 years - 

She and Abby out taking pictures at Grandmother's house. 

Me quietly watching the antics. 

Suddenly there it was -- a deja vu moment.

I was taken back to that dream. 

The one I wrote in my journal so many years ago. 

Oh my - heart stopping. 

The photo here is the EXACT image from the dream so many years ago. 

God moments --- He knows the plans. 

God ------ thank you for all those beautiful moments with her and with her baby sister.

I also captured moments in 2017.

Beautiful images that defy explanation of why I find them beautiful. 

Leaves along a wall.

The play of light and shadow. 

Tiny webs of decay.

I love the outdoors.

This image from a deer stand in central Georgia.

That moment when the sun is setting and a shaft of light illuminates the one leaf. 

It feels as if this was a performance made JUST FOR ME. 

I know the same thing would have happened if I wasn't there, but it just seems like a moment of praise is the perfect response to this happening. 

Life is crazy beautiful --- Look for the moments.

My poor MaggieGraceCreates blog has been sadly neglected a lot.

Mind you - MaggieGrace has been creating.

to the tune of 50 crochet finishes this year.

That's a whole lot of hooky time. 

It's also been a year for being STASHSOURCEFUL.

I've made cards, invitations, tags, journals, crochet items.

So it has been a really good creative year. 

And so far it looks good for next year as well. 

The year has not been without challenges though. 

The, now adult, children are back home. 

This has required adjustments on everyone's part. 

We are learning to live together as adults instead of parent and children. 

So the above photo kind of represents how we may all be all over each other, but find some peace and beauty among the chaos. 

So we all know I love a good cemetery photo.

These are from a church cemetery in Mitchell, Georgia.

The entire place was COVERED in this MOSS overgrowth.

And brings me to my biggest challenge of 2017.

In November, I was diagnosed with GRAVES DISEASE.

Auto immune and attacks at the thyroid. 

I am on a medication designed to push this into remission.

The side effects are aggravating, but bearable.

The biggest issue is avoiding the contact with sick people since we are artificially manipulating my immune system. 

But this too is simply a challenge to learn to live with. And I'll be just fine. 

I'm using the hashtag #upfromthegravesshearose for my posts associated with this journey. 

I continue to collect sunrises and sunsets. 

I had an Instagram conversation with a friend about repeatedly posting similar images and "boring" followers. 

I am so far beyond worrying about that kind of thing. 

I love sunrise.

I love sunset.

I am taking the pictures.

I'll continue sharing them. 

Simple.

God sees fit for me to have another day here.

I praise him for that gift. 

And last but not least, there is this guy. 

He's a Red Shouldered Hawk. 

I consider him "my" hawk.

Here he is in the field. 

I have a special affinity for Raptors, and a very special affinity for Hawks. 

For a long time, this one kept a huge distance from me at all times.

Of late, I've been seeing him closer and closer in. 

I hope this closeness continues.

According to the lore of Spirit Animals, this closeness is a sign to focus on the future. 

To Pause and pay attention to your thought and direction. 

I like this symbolism a lot. 

No having recapped the year, I want to share my word for 2018.

This has become my only true New Years tradition.

I really don't do the whole resolution thing, but I do put a lot of thought into what I want to focus on as each New Year approaches. 

I'll research words and synonyms. 

I'll carefully look at where I have been and where I want to go for now. 

I'll look at areas I consider weak and areas that I consider myself strong. 

I'll ponder and pray. 

Through all of this process, this year, I've decided my word will be....

FULFILL

Here's the context I sent my sweet friend who understands this practice 

I'm choosing FULFILL as in do,complete,accomplish, finish, clear, achieve, satisfy, effect, execute, implement, meet, obey, observe, perfect, realize. 

This one has lots of room for growth. 

Happy New Year my friends.

I'm off on Friday to do some serious self-care. 

See you in the new year. 

As 2015 closes ---- a look back

My youngest graduated from college.

She moved to New York.

I am so proud of the young woman she is becoming.

My oldest daughter moved from an apartment into a house.

She had big breakthroughs in her research projects.

She gave credit to the good Lord.

I am so proud of the young woman she is becoming. 

Me. 

I have struggled.

Stopped.

Regrouped.

Stumbled.

Got back up.

Started over.

It has been a tough year.

I took lots of beautiful photographs. 

the one above a favorite.

I made lots of projects (finished a few from the past as well) 

And as difficult a year it has been for me (and a certain Crusty Old Guy),

I continue to proclaim

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

Photo above courtesy of Molly.

I am a survivor. 

Although I no longer wear that necklace 100% of the time. 

Why? Because I no longer have to remind myself anymore. 

I have gained some weight back. 

How? Enjoying the hell out of life beautiful.

Taking the time to eat dinner with friends.

Or solitude by myself. 

But then came the end of year commitment that I made to Molly.

I may have continued some over indulging on eating, but I honored the agreement to run a half marathon for my 50th birthday. 

Hardest thing I have ever done voluntarily.

But I did it. 

I trained.

I was ready.

Cancer scans first though.

Good news - you don't have cancer.

Bad news - there is a blockage in your kidney.

untreated leads to dialysis and ultimately transplant. 

I have no time for that. 

SO 

I scale back my actual  half marathon approach

run it a little slower than planned

still - I finished in under 4 hours (my personal goal) 

and to protect my kidney through the run. I drank extra and was careful about staying as hydrated as possible. 

3:44:27 

one kidney 

cancer survivor twice

facing surgery when this is all over.

makes me pretty badass I think. 

then surgery.

stent placed. 

follow up. 

didn't work

do over

second surgery

another stent

pray this one works.

today finds me recovering from two kidney surgeries in two weeks

hopefully not facing a third. 

I hate anesthesia

I hate pain meds

I hate being a singular kidney person

I didn't ask for this. 

and today finds me realizing that I can hate it all I want to

But I still have to walk this path. 

Because the alternative really sucks

it also finds me re-committing to be as healthy as I possible can. 

I'll be eating better

exercising better

stress relieving better (this is the biggest reason for my weight gain)

the stress affects the adrenal function negatively. 

because life really is beautiful and I got no desire to stop participating in proclaiming that fact. 

And I am sure there are gonna be some really great moments to collect in the coming year. 

So look out 2016 --- Progress is the word --- this one could shake some people's world

Magazines and Clippings.

I love a good quality magazine. It's a huge problem area. I looked back through my other blog this morning and discovered that clutter and lack of organization has been a focus for so damned long. 

I should have just worked on the real issues --- like loneliness, feeling unworthy, regrets, fears ---- this can go on and on and on. 

I hang onto things for far too long. Even bad things. There is a big admission. 

I have worked on those things diligently for almost five solid years. And now I am beginning to see how the mental and emotional issues feed this visual clutter / hoarding problem.  NOTICE I SAID BEGINNING TO SEE. 

I am getting rid of stuff and it actually feels ok. Night before last, I chunked an entire kitchen trash bag full of clippings that no longer applied to my life. (I have big boxes, bags, baskets of this stuff.) 

As I was doing this, I found things that really spoke to my heart (my girls trip journals from long ago vacations).

I found things that made me wonder out loud  "why the fuck was this important to me?" 

I found things that still mattered to me. I kept those.

After about 30 minutes of this project - a small stack from a basket that has plenty more to deal with - I felt myself having a negative response to the project. I started having a hard time deciding. I could tell that old emotions were surfacing and I wanted to "hang on" to things that my rational brain was begging me to let go of or deal with. 

OK. Here is what I did.

I finished that pile of clippings - did not get any more from the basket. 

I cleaned up the area where I was working. Stacking the "KEEP" pile in a neat small box. 

I took that trash bag to the outdoor can. 

I put the 6 magazines that I could not bear to toss in a bag and took them to my car. Those were donated to a young lady who's creative interests matched the magazines. 

I mourned - yes, mourned. Many of the trashed clippings were decor ideas for the house and yards. Those did not happen. Many of them were ideas for my girls and I to do together. Those did not happen. Many were from trips or events that I wanted to be a part of. Those did not happen. There were other things in there that did not happen.

I picked up a hand stitching project and threaded my needle and I stitched through that mourning for a while. Hand stitching - making - that's my safe zone. I am ok there. I can think and deal with issues there. I had worked hard to fight these feelings and push them back to that place I use to hide them. But this time I had decided to deal, so I let myself do that. I shed tears. I bitched. I whined. 

I dealt. Something I should have been doing all along. 

It was hard and now I am finished with that one. 

Next project. 

Maybe someday - I will finally be ok. 

not one damned thing "snarky" in this post --- happy?

I was snarky yesterday.

I offended someone.

I am sorry. 

This is where I am real. 

Funny, I pondered the response I got after yesterday's post. 

And I decided, again, that I've made choices that people do not agree with.

I've made choices that people do not understand. 

And the biggest choice I made was to stop doing something. 

That something is hidden in a thought that I have resisted posting anywhere 

"Why do we spend so much time and energy trying to be what we THINK others want us to be? Shouldn't we spend that time and energy being our true selves?

At what point do we lose who we really are?

At what point does that projected persona become US?

And when our true self screams and then fights the way out, and those people who are watching

think we have suddenly changed, their defenses go into action.

So becoming our true selves hurts those we care about, not out of intention to do harm, but because the sudden realization is not easy to adjust to.

They react - we react - and the cycle starts again.

Our true selves really are a combination of all our environment and influences. 

And, in reality, we get to choose what to keep and what to refuse. 

So we are who we are because of our reactions to our environment."

Now how is that for talking in a circle?

(the nest above is my creation. Happy with how that turned out ---- yes MUCH)

I thought a lot about the response I got and decided to not be snarky here (well, I will try not to be).

So, in essence I've decided to measure my words carefully in order not to hurt feelings. 

Why? Because that is NOT who I want to be perceived as. 

Friends please take note: This is a very conscious decision. Not an offhanded reaction. 

What I will try to do is.

Include my survivor story - again and again - in hopes that even one person can be encouraged by that and choose to fight hard to survive their own battles.

Share my appreciation of all the ways I have been blessed.

Look at the sunrise and count it as a new opportunity to count and add blessings with each new day.

Snuggle with children who fill my life so wonderfully. 

Sing - dance - laugh - pray

Alone and with those who will do those things with me.

Cry - scream - cuss - drink

Alone or with someone who will let me rant and not try to FIX it.

(I'll try to keep these moments from here - I want your life to feel beautiful to and my negative energy doesn't add to anyone's beauty)

Run - write names on my shoes - try to pound those names into the ground.

Sweat - those drops are as important as tears. 

(and last night that run was really good thinking time - and kept me from firing off in an inappropriate manner) 

Spend time with my girls, my mama, my friends.

Work hard every day to be better than I was yesterday. 

Find my centered "place".

I'm working on it. 

I do know that Serenity Field has that effect on me. 

Much like Day Chapel did when I struggled with my first cancer diagnosis. 

Appreciate the deer. 

Oh my, running alongside those that are not afraid of me is truly magical. 

Gather fallen feathers and realize that angels come in all shapes, sizes and colors and let those feathers represent that to me. 

(side trip - did you know it is illegal to have those - oops) 

I'll continue to make things. 

Of course I will, for that really is a part of who I am

I will try not to let that little inner voice tell me how ugly I am, how weird I am, how I don't handle things correctly, how my heart is wrong in what I feel.

I will listen to the whispers that say you got this thing, you are gonna be just fine, your hair looks fabulous today, relax you know this all works out in the end, and you can have all kinds of peace, love, and joy surrounding you.

Tonight will find me at a funeral visitation, paying respect and offering condolences to a family.

Today finds me praying for my buddy, Charlie, as he recovers from an accident that has left him battered and bruised, but alive and thankful.

Tonight, I will sit at a table and share a good meal surrounded by love and laughter, story, and looking towards the future.

Today finds me praying for Andrew, which is a hard prayer as he awaits a liver transplant and in order for that to happen, someone loses a loved one and makes hard decisions.

Tonight, I will wonder at the blessings of the day.

Today, I will wonder at the blessings of the day. 

Today, I thank you for pointing out who I am not and who I do not want to be. 

I am sorry, I was snarky.

I will reign that behavior in.

And you can know you had that influence on me and that I reacted in a positive manner. 

Living With intention

Boy, it has been a year. 

As I approach the Thanksgiving Holiday, I am finding myself pondering if I have lived my word of the year. 

I think I have. 

I haven't posted about it a lot. 

I haven't really even consciously thought about it much.

But I have lived it. 

INTENTION. 

(with purpose to succeed) 

I have two blogs. This one and my crafty one. 

The crafty one is easy to look at and quite easy to read through again and again. 

To see what I have made and why.

This one -- hell, this one is grueling to read. 

Some days are good day, some not so much. 

But I have made huge strides in conquering demons of all kinds.

The result - I have a space that refreshes me. 

A place that allows me to rest.

A circle that accepts who I am right here and right now. 

I want these people around me. 

They feel good. 

(and because I'm having a snarky moment)

(they like that damned blue outfit a LOT)

Now about that place.

Let's define what I want there a little closer. 

I want it to be a sanctuary for me and loved ones.

To be welcoming and ready for those who want to spend time there. 

I failed that miserably in the past and in the very cluttered present. 

Why - because there is so much crap there, that I had no business having and should definitely NOT held on to. 

But each item temporarily filled a gaping hole in my soul. 

Add in the stuff I kept for whatever sentimental reasons I gave. 

Here's a reality.

I kept three porcelain dolls all these years. 

They belonged to my children. 

Those same children who HATED those dolls. 

They called them creepy. 

So this past Saturday, I got rid of the dolls.

Sent the girls a text saying "the creepy dolls are gone" 

I got a text back.

One word.

"GOOD"

Yes, I got rid of them and life did not fall apart.

Now - to attack the rest of this stuff. 

I pick each item up.

Ponder carefully.
Then - with INTENTION - I determine if I want it in my life.

If not, I either give, sell, or toss it. 

And each decision makes me feel lighter and lighter. 

INTENTION

the 2014 word of the year. 

Now to ponder my word for 2015. 

perspective......

I chase it. 

the sunrise.

the sunset.

tiny moments of gifts.

blessings.

gratitudes. 

and i'm hiding a big secret. 

somedays.

somedays - this is hard to do. 

I watched the premiere of the new series "Chasing Life" 

I was not prepared for the moment -

the moment when April is given the news that she has cancer.

Softball Princess was sitting on the sofa intently watching me - 

a single intake of breath - a solitary tear.

i was immediately back there

in that office where that word was hung in the air by the urologist. 

I watched the rest of the program

and close to the end, April visits her father's grave 

saying that she may be seeing him soon.

and you could see the moment she decides 

but not TOO soon. 

and I recommitted to my promise to God and myself 

So here i still am 

CHASING THIS BEAUTIFUL LIFE!!!

Last night

on the way home

storm clouds gathered. 

a deep emotional conversation had occurred over a glorious meal.

now bantering back and forth. 

I saw the sunset glow below the clouds.

grabbed the phone and started. 

rain

and sunshine

my mama would say

"devil's beating his wife"

as I'm talking about how pretty. 

my chauffeur remarked casually

"i like those up there" 

and i raised the lens to capture the bright glow against the blue skies

ABOVE the storm. 

the picture above is his "beautiful moment"

the picture below is mine.

both are beautiful

both are grace filled

dramatically different perspectives

from almost the same vantage point.

and you know what

that is completely ok. 

as i started writing this my sister in love for all these years called.

father's day gathering being planned

we spoke of the difficulty with certain "events" for various people 

and how they choose to deal with it

there is no right or wrong way

everyone has to get through things their own way

acceptance - love - grace - blessings

why can't we all just see 

that these words give us a way

to help ourselves and others

catch this beautiful life

I love life

life is beautiful

I'm on my way forward

I am not the same person I was yesterday.

I dang sure am not the same as I was  30 years ago.

I won't be the same tomorrow

and 

I am sorry that this hurts others

i accept that they are doing things the way they can

I love them any way

I graciously understand that this is the way they are

I give them my blessings to continue on their own path.

and i so hope they can give me those same four lines in return. 

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

What Happened?

This one is difficult to write.

Some of it I cannot even explain to myself.

That feeling - the gnawing, pit of your stomach, almost back of your throat closed off, can't breathe, don't want to look, but have to feeling. Got the picture?

I've struggled with things for years. My relationship with my mother. My sister. Losing my Dad to an accident. Anorexia - then being overweight. Trying to make right decisions as a Mom. Planning for blindsiding emergencies. Debt. Loneliness even though I had a husband. Cancer. Debt. Actually you can insert debt at almost every period. And one that has come to mind recently --- being manipulated - controlled (call it whatever the hell you want to).

Anyway - I allowed a lot of it to occur. Because I was scared.

So lets get to some of the things that I faced and took my own control of.

My mama and I have formed (and continue to form) a strong, accepting, loving relationship. (I have NOT sent my Sister the "she's your mother today" text in a LONG LONG time)

My sister and I sent one another today's sunrise - a sign that we are closer than ever before. This is a good thing.

I'll always miss my Daddy and that's ok.

Anorexia - I still fear it. Being overweight - I still fight it. But in healthier ways today. 

Parenting - those girls are great young ladies. I still hope I did some things right. And I pray so hard that they understand and accept that I made EVERY decision out of love for them. 

Blindsiding emergencies - it freaking sucks in every way to find out that the property taxes have not been paid. It is so very embarrassing to talk to debt collectors to work out a plan for paying them. It is horrid to have to get permission from the person responsible for those collection calls in order to work out the payment plan --- yes - I paid off debt incurred in his name after collection call after call --- the lady I worked with was really good to me though. And trying to plan for those kinds of things was awful. 

Loneliness - let's just say - I cried a LOT of tears in the shower so nobody knew. 

Cancer - read through the archives - that journey is WELL documented. 

Debt - can you say it again - let's address round two of that. Asked for 20.00/week to help with saving for the blind siding - that was NEVER important. I repeat NEVER. Unless I cried, cussed, stomped, bitched, threatened, whatever! - then there was cooperation with some of the requests for a short period of time. Find out that pawning items to pay bills was a method to use instead of opening communication and working together towards solutions - can you say "hiding" the symptoms of the issue. Only recently have the records been coming into the house - before they were either tossed or kept at work so I had no easy way to check things. 

Now lest you think this is some HOLIER THAN THOU RANT - let me say - I have over extended myself, wasted much money trying to fill voids in my soul, and,  after many years of beating my head against the wall, did my own share of hiding things. I take full responsibility for my part in the failures and the hell that became part of that. I have screwed up royally. I am also trying like hell to fix that. And I have been successful in a lot of ways. 

That was a whole lot of venting to get to the real issue I am working through right now. 

Being CONTROLLED AND/OR MANIPULATED

I am basically a pleaser. I just want things to run smooth without conflict. I am learning more about this tendency every single day. I also come across as brazen and bold and confident and outspoken. Just about as far from easily controlled as you can get. 

The following phrase was thrown at me and then came up in a conversation recently - 

I NEVER TRIED TO CONTROL YOU. I LET YOU DO WHAT YOU WANTED. 

Well ..... maybe that is what you thought .... or maybe what you want to believe about yourself. 

Here is my analysis of myself (and certain disfunctional relationships- plural is important - this is NOT all about you - there are lots of them)

Go back to that "pleaser" word. I know this about myself and have confessed that to several people who either through passive aggressive intentional means - or just had no idea I took it this way, make feel like you tried to control me. 

You're a big girl, you can decide. (then in turn add - but if it were me, this is what I think) 

           I am a pleaser, I want no conflict, so your way wins.

I don't care what we eat, you decide. (then I decide and you twist up your nose and I rethink and try to get that look off your face)

         I am a pleaser, I will work at a decision until you look like you agree.

Me - I would really like to go sit somewhere and eat (then you say, what would people think) 

        I'm a pleaser, and you pick up lunch and we do that your way too. 

Me - what the hell happened with my painter? (then you say "I told him I didn't know how we were going to pay him. then you say, I'll get the damned house painted) 

        I'm a pleaser, that was a long time ago. That damned bakery at commerce got painted, staffed, and is 

        now closed. I am still waiting. Your way wins again. 

Wear your hair anyway you like (then you say - women past a certain age shouldn't wear long hair, it makes them look older)

       I'm a pleaser, so I kept it short. You win. 

I can go on and on. 

Then something happened ---- cancer first ----- then a friendship

And I am forced into doing something I am not accustomed to doing ----- making real decisions for myself and for the partnership.

A relationship that didn't feel that way -------

One who says "what cha want to eat?" and then refuses to let me get by with "it don't matter". One who says "I picked yesterday" - One who laughs because the first one I list is where we eat, because it was first on the list and I was just going logistically down the street. So I no longer do it that way. I literally pick what I want. Then sometimes I get to try something new and different because they pick too. 

Me - what do you think about this? "I think it is your decision" - then nothing else no I think, I would, you should. 

Me - been years since I had a long gun in my hands. "it doesn't matter if you hunt or not, you pick. sit by the fire, nap, whatever - its about relaxing and enjoying yourself" 

Then there is the conflict resolution part. that is a totally separate post material.

This all is SO very uncomfortable for that "pleaser" part of me. But then, the parts of me that know the manipulation is a problem, I start to understand what healthy feels like. What forward progress looks like. What FINALLY paying off that loan I have had for so long feels like. What working alongside feels like. What standing beside someone during loss feels like. What making sure we are "on-time" for family viewing is about. What breaking into a house and moving the furniture feels like. (not theft - Melissa needed it done). 

What visiting an old friend in the nursing home before it gets too late feels like. What jumping up, throwing on shoes with my pajamas and chasing a sunrise feels like. What moving feels like. 

Yes - I know - some of my decisions have been wrong. Some of them that have been so right for me are hurtful to others. Some of them cause people to shake their heads in disgust and or awe. But the thing is, they are my decisions (mistakes too) and I am not sorry for making most of them. 

and if you do not understand me then here is my explanation for that. 

However, I am obligated to take care of myself. 

And that includes ignoring the advice to "do everything you can to save this." Because dammit - it wasn't all my fault - I just wanted everyone to be pleased and I'm sorry I couldn't make that happen. 

As for that whole sending invitations to my midlife crisis - I'm getting those ready to mail.

choosing ----

So he said "I love food"

Then he said "But I've been eating TOO much of it lately"

Then he said "I noticed my shirts getting a little tight" 

And I said "I haven't noticed my clothes getting tighter"

 then I said "But I haven't noticed them getting and looser either."

So - with that came an INTENTIONAL way of deciding. 

Then I found myself at the machine at work 

Eyeballing one of these. 

Even though I have one of these (on my desk)

And the conversation was remembered. 

So here I am typing this 

And eating an apple for my morning snack. 

ALL ABOUT CHOICES......

on listening to my heart.........

Me - October 2010.

Let me first say, I was 6 months post cancer surgery. 

And I was CLUELESS about what that was to mean long term. 

I had reworked the showroom at my grown up girl job and I had a lot of help doing that. 

I was also CLUELESS about what that was to mean long term. 

Today - I not only work the showroom, but the counter and warehouse when required. 

I have also learned a lot about sizing (of all things) sewage pumps.

(yes - my job is seriously filled with all kinds of things glamorous)

Changes have occurred. 

I have matured.

I have made a LOT of mistakes. 

But I have also made some major - life enhancing - beautiful decisions. 

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

My God, I have cried buckets of tears. 

Hard, sobbing, grief filled buckets. 

I have felt judged. 

I have been encouraged.

There have been huge steps forward. 

And equally huge falls backwards. 

I tried to ignore many many things that my heart has told me. 

I felt like I was right about my path. 

I made decisions based on that "feeling" 

But you know there was always this nagging little thing (s). 

That bit that made me just a little anxious to think hard about. 

I spent hours (and miles) running the thoughts through my mind (and through the woods) 

(read the archives of this blog  - a lot of it is covered) 

Here is my TRUTH and I really owe the phrasing of this to my mom. 

The experts tell us we need to "sell ourself" to others, but the fact of the matter is way too often we sell ourselves way too short.

I did that. Have been doing that for so long. Still do that, although age has brought some wisdom. 

Since the second cancer surgery and recovery, I made a series of decisions.

Some beautiful, wonderful, life changing decisions.

The kind that propel you to be stronger.

Some were painful. (for me and for others) 

I have grieved the losses I experienced. 

I have handled some of it poorly. 

Some of them easy - some more difficult.

But, I knew the second I made the right ones, because the "little nagging things" feelings went away.

I've made these decisions. 

And acting on then has given me the "KNOWING" that I am really on a better path. 

Notice - I did not say the RIGHT path.......or even the BEST one.

Is this the right path? 

I'm hopeful. 

It may not be, but my heart is full. 

My life is full. 

And I honestly have no issue with moving forward from where I have been and where I am without fully knowing where I am going. Because where I have been was a blessing too. 

Now - when I have those little, nagging, makes me anxious feelings - I stop, assess the whole thing, try to deal with it quickly and move forward from there. 

And all through it - I AM COUNTING BLESSINGS. 

That counting - well it confirms that my heart has survived and is still willing to speak to me. 

Doesn't hurt to love on a baby or two, or several along the way. 

A few more pounds. 

A bit more gray.

With a smile that reaches all the way to my eyes. 

LIFE IS FREAKING BEAUTIFUL.
________________________________________________________
Part of me almost stopped writing this story.
Seems some people feel singled out as negatively portrayed.
I've prayed and pondered - even made a trip to that place that eased my soul through the first cancer journey.

Then - a friend told me last night how beautiful it is to see the real me returning.

To read, see, and KNOW that my soul is being soothed and nurtured, instead of just exisiting.

So instead of stopping - - - - -

I have edited this post today to say this. I am responsible for the where I am. I take full responsibility for the journey I have traveled. This is a story of my hope and of my healing. There are some who read more into what has been written than was intended. This is also a very incomplete writing. There are parts of this that will forever remain untold. This is as it should be. I've dealt with hurt and disappointment. I've dealt with frustration. I've dealt with blessings and beauty. If you have read here and see yourself in a less than favorable light, I am sorry.

See - this is my side of my story.
And a very wise man said to me several times.
There is your side of the story.
There is the other side of the story.
And the real truth falls somewhere between the sides.

Life is messy.
People screw up.
I believe that people change.
I believe that judgement is wrong.
But I also know that my version of the story can look like judgement if you see yourself in these lines.
I've tried hard to protect SO MANY (yes - that includes you) from being recognized.
And I also suspect that some may assume I am speaking of them, when, in fact I am not.

I do not mean to hurt.

I only mean to heal myself.

If you think this has not been hellacious for me, you are so wrong. It has, it is, it will be.

Damned dragon slaying is hard work.

and LIFE IS STILL BEAUTIFUL.

oh, and I have loved on some littles again today.