2017 A look back --- and forward from here

My OneWord for 2017 was RE-FOCUS. 

Whoo - hoo did I do that. 

My biggest refocus was financial. 

I set a goal to pay off a particular debt in 2017 and tomorrow morning, I will do that. 

(just in the knick of time) 

I also have made major progress on paring down - getting rid of - organizing and all that kind of stuff. 

I am calling it a good year. 

Now for pretty pictures ---

When I was pregnant with my oldest, I was terrified. 

Would she be ok?

Would I be ok? 

I didn't have clue about being a Mom, and yet there I was expecting a child. 

I had a dream about her. 

In the dream, she was an adult and was walking up the driveway at her Grandparents house. 

A tall, thin, dark headed adult.

I never worried about her reaching adulthood again. 

Fast forward - 27 years - 

She and Abby out taking pictures at Grandmother's house. 

Me quietly watching the antics. 

Suddenly there it was -- a deja vu moment.

I was taken back to that dream. 

The one I wrote in my journal so many years ago. 

Oh my - heart stopping. 

The photo here is the EXACT image from the dream so many years ago. 

God moments --- He knows the plans. 

God ------ thank you for all those beautiful moments with her and with her baby sister.

I also captured moments in 2017.

Beautiful images that defy explanation of why I find them beautiful. 

Leaves along a wall.

The play of light and shadow. 

Tiny webs of decay.

I love the outdoors.

This image from a deer stand in central Georgia.

That moment when the sun is setting and a shaft of light illuminates the one leaf. 

It feels as if this was a performance made JUST FOR ME. 

I know the same thing would have happened if I wasn't there, but it just seems like a moment of praise is the perfect response to this happening. 

Life is crazy beautiful --- Look for the moments.

My poor MaggieGraceCreates blog has been sadly neglected a lot.

Mind you - MaggieGrace has been creating.

to the tune of 50 crochet finishes this year.

That's a whole lot of hooky time. 

It's also been a year for being STASHSOURCEFUL.

I've made cards, invitations, tags, journals, crochet items.

So it has been a really good creative year. 

And so far it looks good for next year as well. 

The year has not been without challenges though. 

The, now adult, children are back home. 

This has required adjustments on everyone's part. 

We are learning to live together as adults instead of parent and children. 

So the above photo kind of represents how we may all be all over each other, but find some peace and beauty among the chaos. 

So we all know I love a good cemetery photo.

These are from a church cemetery in Mitchell, Georgia.

The entire place was COVERED in this MOSS overgrowth.

And brings me to my biggest challenge of 2017.

In November, I was diagnosed with GRAVES DISEASE.

Auto immune and attacks at the thyroid. 

I am on a medication designed to push this into remission.

The side effects are aggravating, but bearable.

The biggest issue is avoiding the contact with sick people since we are artificially manipulating my immune system. 

But this too is simply a challenge to learn to live with. And I'll be just fine. 

I'm using the hashtag #upfromthegravesshearose for my posts associated with this journey. 

I continue to collect sunrises and sunsets. 

I had an Instagram conversation with a friend about repeatedly posting similar images and "boring" followers. 

I am so far beyond worrying about that kind of thing. 

I love sunrise.

I love sunset.

I am taking the pictures.

I'll continue sharing them. 

Simple.

God sees fit for me to have another day here.

I praise him for that gift. 

And last but not least, there is this guy. 

He's a Red Shouldered Hawk. 

I consider him "my" hawk.

Here he is in the field. 

I have a special affinity for Raptors, and a very special affinity for Hawks. 

For a long time, this one kept a huge distance from me at all times.

Of late, I've been seeing him closer and closer in. 

I hope this closeness continues.

According to the lore of Spirit Animals, this closeness is a sign to focus on the future. 

To Pause and pay attention to your thought and direction. 

I like this symbolism a lot. 

No having recapped the year, I want to share my word for 2018.

This has become my only true New Years tradition.

I really don't do the whole resolution thing, but I do put a lot of thought into what I want to focus on as each New Year approaches. 

I'll research words and synonyms. 

I'll carefully look at where I have been and where I want to go for now. 

I'll look at areas I consider weak and areas that I consider myself strong. 

I'll ponder and pray. 

Through all of this process, this year, I've decided my word will be....

FULFILL

Here's the context I sent my sweet friend who understands this practice 

I'm choosing FULFILL as in do,complete,accomplish, finish, clear, achieve, satisfy, effect, execute, implement, meet, obey, observe, perfect, realize. 

This one has lots of room for growth. 

Happy New Year my friends.

I'm off on Friday to do some serious self-care. 

See you in the new year. 

Here I go again

In early September, I had my yearly wellness visit. 

I've been struggling with some issues and I brought that up. 

The issues seem so insignificant.

But since I am so aware of how my body feels everyday, I knew something was up. 

I have the most amazing medical team and sweet Sarah added some additional labs to the work up.

A Rheumatology Panel, an extra Endocrine panel. 

Both came back with some concerning numbers. 

The inflammation numbers were high, but for now, this is discounted because as a singular kidney patient I cannot that anti-inflammatory meds and the endocrine results show that I could have some issues that cause those. 

So deeper investigation on the endocrine side - aka more tests. 

Well tumor markers were high. 

Hmm. 

Thyroid numbers at all levels were off. 

So off to the imaging labs, I trekked. 

We have discovered a little issue.

Hello everyone. Meet NORMAN. He's a thyroid nodule, we suspect that he is my troublemaker. 

This discovery has me scheduled for a biopsy later this month with an Endocrine Specialist. 

Thus the reason for this title.

HERE I GO AGAIN. 

Spending money on medical stuff. 

Searching for answers. 

This is a path all too familiar for me. 

And yet, I do not feel anxious. 

Wait - what? - did I just type that? 

Yes, I do not feel terribly anxious.

Frustrated? - yes

Had a minor pity party? - yup, it lasted all of about 3 minutes. 

Anger? - that's my most common expected response - but it's more about the inconvenience.

But I have not even thought - Why me? 

BLESSED? - so very much. This is my reality. 

Prayers surround me - I feel them - blessed.

The day I got the results of the scan, a phone call to my partner in crime brought the phrase "need me to pack up and come on?"  - blessed

Family, girlfriends, buddies, customers, co-workers supporting me?  - full on - blessed

Fantastic medical team? - blessed

Job that will not have an issue with dealing with whatever this is? - blessed

Faith that no matter what this is, I will be okay? - blessed

Being blessed and grateful for that gives me a relief from anxiety, and I can genuinely say, I am okay. 

so for right now here is where I am ---- I have a nodule in my thyroid - it may be cancer - we will find out - I am blessed beyond measure to have a fabulous support network. 

We will simply do the next right thing. 

I refuse to jump way ahead in this process. 

Mostly, I just want to feel better. 

Life is crazy beautiful. 

Yes all photos are mine --- that scan photo is mine (I paid for the danged thing so I'm claiming it. )

On rising above -----

Not once yesterday did I think about surviving cancer ----- not even once.

I thought about beauty.

I thought about gifts.

I thought about laughter.

I thought about intimacy.

I thought about strength.

I thought about gratitude.

I thought about love.

I'm calling that a beautiful day.

(honestly they all are beautiful - this one just had that extra gift)

Been a while...

The last time I was here was July.

Lots has happened since then. 

And I got side tracked from this space. 

But that is life.

So it's time again to pour out. 

I'm still downsizing things.

Throwing away.

Using.

Giving away. 

Finding ways to effectively store.

Learning more about who I am.

Why I am this way.

Why I really needed to make changes.

And I look for beauty every moment of everyday.

Because you cannot have a lovely silhouette without seeing darkness.....

think about that for a minute. 

From the darkness in my life, rise moments of beauty and let me tell you, I search for that beauty. 

Like below. 

But every now and then you get stuck. 

Focusing on the negative "prickly" parts of living. 

And that is how it happens. 

I get side tracked. 

So then I have to rework my focus again. 

My house is a mess.

This fact is a disappointment to my children.

OH GOD HOW I HATE THAT THEIR MOTHER IS A DISAPPOINTMENT.

I am so sorry girls. 

I'm trying and failing and trying and failing.

over and over and over

And then I get focused on that and then I don't like myself and then I get all overwhelmed and regretful and then and then and then. 

See I got focused on the prickly bits. 

the hurtful and the those cobwebby things that try and hold us all back or get in the way of progressing forward. 

Like that picture below.

If we all could only step back and look at the bigger parts. 

Yes, I need to keep the laundry folded.

But I would rather you see me making a special gift for someone. 

Yes, the Christmas decorating needs to happen.

But first I have to clear the surfaces of crap in order to make the room. 

I promise I'll get there. 

But I beg your patience as I work through the emotional entangled mess that stuff has over me. 

And please reassure me that the progress is appreciated and not just expected. 

I really think that is a large part of many issues.

We just don't take time to appreciate. 

I promise one day, you will want to talk to me.

Having faced the cancer demon and almost losing that battle, I sure hope it won't be too late.

Until then, I'll be searching for moments that make my heart grateful for the new day. 

See that sunrise below -- another chance to get it right.

Clarity comes in unexpected moments.

I failed in many ways

But then there is that moment when reality says.

LOVE WILL WIN.

That clarity that says we all will survive.

And if we each pay attention and live fully in each moment, we will not only survive, we will thrive. 

And by thriving among all the chaos, we will be able to stand taller that before and be an inspiration to others. 

And again the stark darkness will be seen as beautiful when it is surrounded by the light. 

Then there are those moments that are just beautiful. 

Nothing is complicated.

Very little stress surrounding them.

Just simple, graceful, beautiful moments. 

For 2017, those are the ones I am going to attempt to collect. 

I am sure there will be opportunity to deal with negative and stressful and complex and difficult.

But I am really going to try hard to see those lovely ones instead.

Of course folding the laundry might just give me a better view. 

Long range plans are being made.

These plans will make a difference in all our lives, once we all get over the initial shocks of change.

Just look way out there --- beyond the mundane and see the glory ----

I know this all come about jumbled and cryptic.

Because I feel that way right now myself. 

But I am tired of shortchanging me and trying to make everyone happy and seeing nothing but silence, disappointment, and frustration from those in my home. 

Out here - I am different --- out here - I can breathe.

and this last photo has a seriously funny story. 

Returning from deer camp in the early morning light. 

I look to the right and see that glow on the rails. 

I want that photo. 

I want to capture this moment.

I want a way to remember how I feel - right now. 

so.

I pull over - shut the car off - grab the camera and walk back to the tracks. 

I know I am safe because I will hear a train coming or feel the vibration in plenty of time. 

So I meander onto the tracks.

Kneel carefully on a cross tie. 

and proceed to focus my attention though the camera lens.

Just a few moments later, I see flashing blue lights in my peripheral vision.

Looking over my shoulder, I see the young officer carefully approaching me. 

"is everything okay ma'am" 

Yes sir, I'm taking photos of the sunrise in the bend up there.

The relief flooded his face.

He was not going to have to drag a nut case - waiting for the train - from the tracks today.

I processed in my mind what he saw when he approached the crossing, and fully understood his concern. 

Kneeling woman, looked to be in prayer (he couldn't see the camera from his angle), patiently waiting for the train. 

My response.

Yes sir, I am a little crazy, but I am not MENTAL. 

So yes, this photo has the ability to take me right back to that moment of hysterical laughter. 

As 2015 closes ---- a look back

My youngest graduated from college.

She moved to New York.

I am so proud of the young woman she is becoming.

My oldest daughter moved from an apartment into a house.

She had big breakthroughs in her research projects.

She gave credit to the good Lord.

I am so proud of the young woman she is becoming. 

Me. 

I have struggled.

Stopped.

Regrouped.

Stumbled.

Got back up.

Started over.

It has been a tough year.

I took lots of beautiful photographs. 

the one above a favorite.

I made lots of projects (finished a few from the past as well) 

And as difficult a year it has been for me (and a certain Crusty Old Guy),

I continue to proclaim

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

Photo above courtesy of Molly.

I am a survivor. 

Although I no longer wear that necklace 100% of the time. 

Why? Because I no longer have to remind myself anymore. 

I have gained some weight back. 

How? Enjoying the hell out of life beautiful.

Taking the time to eat dinner with friends.

Or solitude by myself. 

But then came the end of year commitment that I made to Molly.

I may have continued some over indulging on eating, but I honored the agreement to run a half marathon for my 50th birthday. 

Hardest thing I have ever done voluntarily.

But I did it. 

I trained.

I was ready.

Cancer scans first though.

Good news - you don't have cancer.

Bad news - there is a blockage in your kidney.

untreated leads to dialysis and ultimately transplant. 

I have no time for that. 

SO 

I scale back my actual  half marathon approach

run it a little slower than planned

still - I finished in under 4 hours (my personal goal) 

and to protect my kidney through the run. I drank extra and was careful about staying as hydrated as possible. 

3:44:27 

one kidney 

cancer survivor twice

facing surgery when this is all over.

makes me pretty badass I think. 

then surgery.

stent placed. 

follow up. 

didn't work

do over

second surgery

another stent

pray this one works.

today finds me recovering from two kidney surgeries in two weeks

hopefully not facing a third. 

I hate anesthesia

I hate pain meds

I hate being a singular kidney person

I didn't ask for this. 

and today finds me realizing that I can hate it all I want to

But I still have to walk this path. 

Because the alternative really sucks

it also finds me re-committing to be as healthy as I possible can. 

I'll be eating better

exercising better

stress relieving better (this is the biggest reason for my weight gain)

the stress affects the adrenal function negatively. 

because life really is beautiful and I got no desire to stop participating in proclaiming that fact. 

And I am sure there are gonna be some really great moments to collect in the coming year. 

So look out 2016 --- Progress is the word --- this one could shake some people's world

why????

So I bought this little cabinet.

Sure - I had great ideas for using it in the studio for storage.

Standing in the thrift store.

It was full of promise and potential.

So you know what I did with it, don't you?

Why hell yes, I brought it home and chunked it in the pile of other stuff I had bought with good intentions. 

(Now I am cleaning and purging my life of things that hold me back) 

Making peace with what I have, what I use, and what I really want around me. 

It has been a grueling battle. 

I have moved out, tossed, sold, kept, packed up, finished etc. for months.

Emotionally charged --- you have NO IDEA. 

Whew - looking at the 30 magazines I tossed this weekend - I had such a terrible time with feeling like I had wasted money on them. (damned near 100.00 in that pile) But they had been sitting in the floor for months in the way.

Because I really need more organizing tools.

NOW HEAR THIS

YOU DO NOT NEED BETTER ORGANIZATION

YOU NEED LESS STUFF!!!!!!

YES - LESS STUFF. 

(I've been emptying my head of this for months)

See here

and here

I've been emptying my life of THINGS for months too. 

So in the cleaning of a corner, I rediscover the little cabinet.

Now who the hell needs a Santa cabinet? 

Back to the potential.

Remember, I have had this cabinet for a LONG LONG LONG time. 

In that pile that never filled the emptiness.

But I opened it - cute little shelves

And it still had all that potential.

So I did what a non-procrastinator would do.

I decided to capitalize on that potential.

I grabbed the stack of FAVORITE papers from the stash.

You know - the ones you are saving for the PERFECT project.

(I'm dealing with that emotional baggage too.)

And I picked one for the PERFECT PROJECT FOR THE PERFECT PERSON

ME!!!

One sheet of scrapbook paper.

One can of spray adhesive.

My paper cutter

Ruler

Cabinet

Less than 15 minutes (including a decision on which paper) 

And I had a PERFECT PROJECT

with a FAVORITE PAPER

ALL COMPLETE. 

15 MINUTES

15

Can someone please explain why the hell I didn't just do this when I bought the damned thing? 

It took 15 minutes and it feels wonderful to finish it. 

And now SOMEWHERE in the damned stash there are come containers that fit these shelves perfectly and I'll be stacking pretty little clear containers of sequins, confetti, and beads soon. 

CHOICES

CHANGES

HERE WE ARE.

Merry Christmas

I am vulnerable right now.

My attitude about Christmas as the celebration of excess is negative. 

Gimme stuff, shopping for stuff, gifting of stuff

decorate the tree, wrap the stuff, sit together under that tree and open the stuff

throw away the packaging and wrapping of the stuff

watch as the stuff gets tucked in a drawer - ignored

watch as the stuff gets - set on a shelf  - to collect dust. 

Stuff. 

Last week we lost a loved one. 

Friday we paid our respects to one of the most gracious families I know. 

Saturday, we said goodbye to that loved one. 

Sunday morning found me standing at his grave.

Coming to terms with how this has affected me. 

Then later singing the praises of the newborn King to an audience

that included the Strickland family. 

I cannot begin to describe how it felt to turn around and see them. 

But these words come to mind

Beauty

Sadness

Peace

Struggle

Love

Commitment

Fear

Uncertainty

Faith

Full

Grace

Then the program

and a little Angel kneeling over a doll in a handmade manger

Symbolizing that even the Angels worshipped the new King. 

A teenager playing Mary

who really had no desire to portray that character

(but much like the real Mary made the choice to do this for Jesus)

A man who fought back through addiction portraying Joseph

(a man that I love very much who gave he and his dad a chance at relationship)

(and much like Joseph had no idea what his family was going to look like) 

A merry stage of misfits choosing to sing the good news

(I am one of those misfits - and I am blessed to be a child of the King) 

A room full of observers.

Some full of beauty and grace.

Some wandering in darkness and confusion

Some even cynical at this time

Here's where I am this Christmas

Broken

Blessed

Fearful

Trying

Going through the motions

Wishing things were different

Wondering what happens next

Trying to move forward in life

Battered

Bruised

Sad

Happy

Wanting for something more meaningful

Searching for something

Not knowing what that something might be. 

And as I write this, I realize that those characters

in the reality of the Christ Child's Birth

so many years ago.

They were just like I am today.

Uncertain of the significance

of the future

of the plan

But knowing that life is miraculous

and that the Christ Child is come. 

We all need the Saviour

He's here.

Listen.

Respond. 

GRACE

LET'S ALL GIVE THAT TO ONE ANOTHER.

sitting

This is no "holier than thou" post.

My house is a mess. 

I'm overwhelmed.

Every dream I have dreamed of late can be interpreted as "overwhelmed. unresolved issues. changes to be made." 

Dammit  - I don't know how. 

I do know that I feel like I am coming apart at the seams. 

or even worse. 

Like I need to give in and curl up and give up. 

Become as silent as the other. 

Become as non committal about anything and everything. 

Grunt when things are approached. 

But I also know how that would be even worse. 

Why the fuck am I hanging on? 

Why the fuck is this so damned hard? 

Why the fuck should I even care? 

Why the fuck? 

Why?

The? 

Fuck? 

Hell - I don't know.

But just like I have been doing since 1996

I put one foot in front of the other. 

I get up and put that damned mask on. 

OH- a few people can see behind it.

They know and love me anyway. 

Cancer didn't kill me.

But at times I think it might have been better if it had. 

How is that for honesty.

Now that I wrote it out. 

The struggle.

The pity party.

The ugliness. 

I want to delete it. 

I am NOT suicidal.

I am NOT depressed

I am NOT in any danger to myself.

I am frustrated.

I am tired.

I am lonely in that house. 

I am struggling to rid myself of frustration. 

But I do not want to hurt anyone.

They are all good people.

They may not be able to handle things

They need me to pick up the slack

Like I always do.

But always waiting for that next slack thing.

Having to be the one prepared for it.

Ever watchful - knowing the blind siding will come.

It always does.

Putting money away.

Always juggling numbers

Handling the difficult stuff. 

No damn wonder I am tired. 

Now five minutes is over and I have written ugly.

I have cried ugly too. 

Damn I want to get away from ugly. 

And some days, I really don't want to go home.

Why.....

Picture has not ONE thing to do with this post. 

Every day I feel like it's uphill.

And that I cannot breathe.

And I look back at old journals and I do not remember ever not feeling like this.

I'm sad. Deep in my heart sad. 

I keep trying to hold it all together. 

But since there is no talking about hard stuff. 

I'm doing this shit alone too. 

 So I've become silent. 

See as has been written clearly here.

I'm a pleaser.

we gonna do this your way.

right up 'til I explode.

I'm sad.

AND 

I'm tired.

And those damned circles on the ceiling. 

well I'm not really excited about counting them again.

Lost

how it happened - I have NO idea

but why it happened I can figure out

I haven't posted a sunrise or sunset picture in days.

Life does not feel particularly beautiful - or joy filled - or even blessing filled.

Why --

Because I KNOW the next step I am about to take is one of the hardest i have ever taken.

and I KNOW it is going to come with wagging tongues and ugly phrases (because people will not understand)

and I KNOW that those I care deeply for are going to be hurt and confused and very possibly angry

but I also KNOW that I have given it every opportunity to be different and it is not.

see KNOWING the next step and KNOWING the possible hardships from it and KNOWING that it is the very best for me and for some of those who will swear it is the worst possible thing ever.

well - all that damned KNOWING - has me NOT KNOWING how to move forward at all.

there - now I said it - maybe it will lose some power over me.

holes

today I am sad

a deputy (the child of a friend) killed in the line of duty

leaving a family to find a way with a hole in their hearts

I know about holes

I know about TRYING to fill them in the wrong ways

I know about WHO really can fill them - heal them. 

I am sad

looking for beauty in the wake of tragedy

hard on these kinds of days

I really could have used an uplifting when I told The Man at My Address

I got a grunt

things will never change

I am sad

it would be easy to place blame

i am sad

i've made mistakes too

i am sad

so - i will take the brunt of the blame

i will live with the scars

i will live with the holes

i will live with the reflection of the holes i created

and the ones i am about to create

i am sad

but i am looking for beauty

and i have learned to look for it alone

i will find it too. 

I am sad and I am sorry I make you sad.

things ....

I hired a painter four years ago to paint my house. 

I paid him on time when he gave me a partial bill. 

The painter left my job one day. 

Hasn't been back. 

Why? 

Because THE MAN AT MY ADDRESS told him he didn't know how we were going to pay him. 

I had the money put aside. 

The MAN AT MY ADDRESS worked with his friend many many late nights. 

Said there was nothing to do at OUR house. 

All the time I paid someone to cut grass.

I had someone trim trees.

I had someone help take down buildings that needed it. 

And the damned house STILL needs painting. 

Oh but - he will get to it. 

And he will get to helping put money back.

And he will get to .....

And he will get to .......

And he will get to .......

and I am so very sorry -------

but I am fresh out of patience. 

I borrowed money to pay off debt.

I took control of bills in order to pay them off.

I pay regularly against medical debt - mine and the children. 

I'm helping pay for college for both girls - me and their student loans.

I put money back for this - for that - for the other. 

I had the money put back for painting the house. 

The damned house still needs painting. 

but he will get to it. 

Yes - I am very angry today -

I love that house. 

But there's nothing to do there.

How do you eventually get around to doing anything, when there is nothing to do?