The thing that cost so much ------

Sunday was Easter.

The sunrise service was beautiful.

Breakfast was amazing. ( Methodists can really cook - and they take a potluck seriously) 

The cantata was harmony. 

The lunch was delicious.

The nap was then fretful.

And the awakening from that nap was wretched. 

Because Sunday was also the anniversary of  the Renal Cell Carcinoma surgery that took my left kidney. 

The day of my surgery is the day that cost so much. 

See, I woke from that surgery with my Aunt and Uncle there with me. 

I love them both dearly and I am forever glad that they were there.

Otherwise, I would have awakened alone. 

There was no intention of harm to my soul, however it happened. 

He knew I was to be okay. 

The doctors had covered the surgery and outcome with him. 

He was relieved. 

He left the hospital and me in the quite capable hands of my loved ones. 

It cost me dearly - that decision. 

I was once again for a major medical issue - ALONE. 

Previous to this - I had pursued the follow up for breast cancer - alone.

Every damned mamogram.

It was just me and the medical people who covered it all. 

Every damned scan. 

And Sunday - as I woke from the nap - there it was again. the memory of alone. 

Twice since then - he has attended church. 

he would have attended at Christmas, but my anger over this reared it's head and there was a confrontation about it. 

And so - on Easter Sunday - the pews filled with new Easter clothes covered families - I wore black and sat by myself. 

Like so many other Sundays. 

But this time I know I am not alone. 

He is with me. 

He brings joy.

He encourages me.

He recognizes me.

Calls me by name. 

Jones Chapel UMC loved me through so much. 

God has loved me through so much. 

I am tired.

Cancer took so much from me. 

It's time for me to take some of those things and move forward again. 

Hold on to your hats people. I made a decision on April 16, 2010.

I think seven years is long enough to be patient. 

I almost wrote "don't you?"

But it is time for me to stop the worrying about what YOU think.

I'm picking up the pieces. 

And --- I know who I can lean on to help

Merry Christmas

I am vulnerable right now.

My attitude about Christmas as the celebration of excess is negative. 

Gimme stuff, shopping for stuff, gifting of stuff

decorate the tree, wrap the stuff, sit together under that tree and open the stuff

throw away the packaging and wrapping of the stuff

watch as the stuff gets tucked in a drawer - ignored

watch as the stuff gets - set on a shelf  - to collect dust. 

Stuff. 

Last week we lost a loved one. 

Friday we paid our respects to one of the most gracious families I know. 

Saturday, we said goodbye to that loved one. 

Sunday morning found me standing at his grave.

Coming to terms with how this has affected me. 

Then later singing the praises of the newborn King to an audience

that included the Strickland family. 

I cannot begin to describe how it felt to turn around and see them. 

But these words come to mind

Beauty

Sadness

Peace

Struggle

Love

Commitment

Fear

Uncertainty

Faith

Full

Grace

Then the program

and a little Angel kneeling over a doll in a handmade manger

Symbolizing that even the Angels worshipped the new King. 

A teenager playing Mary

who really had no desire to portray that character

(but much like the real Mary made the choice to do this for Jesus)

A man who fought back through addiction portraying Joseph

(a man that I love very much who gave he and his dad a chance at relationship)

(and much like Joseph had no idea what his family was going to look like) 

A merry stage of misfits choosing to sing the good news

(I am one of those misfits - and I am blessed to be a child of the King) 

A room full of observers.

Some full of beauty and grace.

Some wandering in darkness and confusion

Some even cynical at this time

Here's where I am this Christmas

Broken

Blessed

Fearful

Trying

Going through the motions

Wishing things were different

Wondering what happens next

Trying to move forward in life

Battered

Bruised

Sad

Happy

Wanting for something more meaningful

Searching for something

Not knowing what that something might be. 

And as I write this, I realize that those characters

in the reality of the Christ Child's Birth

so many years ago.

They were just like I am today.

Uncertain of the significance

of the future

of the plan

But knowing that life is miraculous

and that the Christ Child is come. 

We all need the Saviour

He's here.

Listen.

Respond. 

GRACE

LET'S ALL GIVE THAT TO ONE ANOTHER.

Gone - but not forgotten

The blessings were hard to find at that moment. 

Slowly we are finding them again.

These are our kids.

Jones Chapel's kids.

That's ANDREW STRICKLAND in the white t-shirt and sunglasses. 

He had a ready smile.

A kindness about him

An appreciation for life that one gets when you fight illness from childhood. 

He was sick.

Then a miracle. A liver was available. The transplant was happening

and he was soon recovering and looking forward to being home for Christmas.

Yesterday - emails - texts

An infection.

ICU

Fear.

and last night his precious family and all of us who love him

had to tell Andrew goodbye. 

The blessings were hard at that moment and the moments that follow

But slowly God sends reassurance that we are in HIS care.

Maybe the reassurance is immediate

Only our ability to see it is slow.

We want to know why.

We want our small view of the situation to be clear.

We want to make sense of losing a 17 year old

One of the really good kids in the world. 

I found my reassurance in words that Andrew posted on his Instagram account

We all have days where 

we feel we can't survive. 

Sometimes dreams are shattered

Friendships may fall apart

Loved ones may hurt us

Finances may worry us

Sickness may overtake us

We may even lose people we love

But God will ALWAYS be there to guide us through

even the toughest of times.

Never lose FAITH

Hold onto HOPE

TRUST IN GOD ALWAYS

Even in losing Andrew

he left us better people for having known him

Rest in Peace

Andrew Strickland

12-17-2014

You made a difference in my life

You are loved.

EDITED- Thursday afternoon. I can see that this link is being shared. Thank you all for that. If you have come here from a link on Facebook, please leave a few words in the comments section for the family. If you are a regular reader here and would like to leave messages as well. I will print these and get them to Andrew's precious family. I so appreciate the prayers and good wishes expressed for the family and I know they will appreciate them as well. 

Make sure your loved ones know how much they mean to you.
In Michelle's words --- "it all happened so fast." and "in the blink of an eye our world was turned upside down"