FADE TO GREY

All the cracks in the walls remind you of things we've said...

I actually swiped the above statement from Esther. (and please go visit her place - she is beautiful and amazingly talented both as a photographer and as a fashion designer)  It resonated with me right now. But I don't ever really pay attention to the cracks in the walls at my place. 

Long dark and restless nights find me counting these. 

I refer to it as counting the circles on the ceiling. Something about the pattern counting is soothing and repetitive. We have these stippled ceilings in several rooms in the house and there is just enough light from various lamps and such to allow me to do this. I can ponder and and let my mind work on things while I do this.

For the last three years, there have been lots of nights like this. But I have now made decisions. Difficult decisions that for ME feel right. The hard part for me was realizing that what was right for me was going to be painful for others. And that was the very last thing I wanted.

When my Nanny was sick and dying, I used a phrase over and over. The phrase "being the big person sucks."

Facing these decisions had me mumbling that phrase over and over.

I knew I could not continue on the path I was on. And much of the drama was self inflicted.

I was not sleeping well. Really not eating right (sometimes not at all and that is scary for me - anorexia is still a distant and fear inducing demon - see part of that story here) I was struggling and it felt like backwards motions were the norm. All of the signs of knowing that things had to change. The real moment came when I was standing by my freezer late one night contemplating the bottle of tequila and just opening it and drinking right out of the bottle. Something that was dangerous for me because of losing my kidney. I knew then wha t I had to do to eliminate the drama.  I started collecting thoughts --- have to say Pinterest was an easy place to find ANY thought - quote - illustrated encouragement you might want.

But these are some I saved.

And I have tried to live WITHOUT that last word in the above picture.

UH OH maybe that is what's happening.

My heart knows what my rational brain struggled with. But turning those voices off in your head --- well that's hard work. Damned near impossible work.

But I finally did what I needed to do ----- and decided to stop IGNORING and face up to something.

Painful and scary --- yes.

Its time for me to CONQUER. Fix my GIVE A DAMN again.

So I am looking at some things in a very different way. By listening to ME and trying to respond in ways that move me forward again.

When I found this - I knew -----

What is about us that makes emotional baggage so damned important that we hang on. Often without even realizing it. That even when we unpack it we leaved it piled in the corner "just in case" we need to repack it.

OOPS - that's what hoarders do --- (I'm one of them too) --- keeping things (many of them are wayyyyy cool things) --- just to have in in case.

I've been using stuff from my craft stash ---- no more gathering and hoarding "just because it's cool". Nope really using it for gifts --- or sale --- or even giving it away. Some things are even discarded.

I made this pillow years ago --- every stitch was full of healing - emotional unpacking - dealing with things. Probably one of my favorite artworks EVER. I gave this one away. I hope that person never forgets that it is much more than a pillow.

Now to move into a new part of life.

I'll be taking these words with me.......

Dear Teresa, I'm so very sorry.  I obviously stepped over boundaries I didn't know were there. For that I am very sorry. ..........

..........You are a beautiful person. I will truly miss you.

I will miss YOU too.

But this is my right path now ---- and you need to be on YOUR right path. I know that not putting a voice to this already was the most hurtful and damaging  thing I could have ever done. More than that --- not voicing things almost cost me everything. I AM SO SORRY I HURT YOU

I hope no one misinterprets any of this message. I made choices. Some conscious and some not. I've ignored things in hope that they would simply fade away (something I have actually griped about when others do it). I've let things go that should never have been allowed to. I've taken some things for granted that I should not have. I've watched the storms gather and not helped clean up the damage left behind.

Time to get down to the nitty gritty and move forward. Clean up the damages from the storms. Light up the blue skies again. Look for the sunshine.

For those I've hurt ----- I am really sorry.
For those I've left wondering ----- I am really sorry.
For the bad choices I made ----- I am really sorry.

For those of you who think I have lost my mind ----- don't worry bout me  --- I'm alright. Well I'm not as crazy as I have been. So let's consider that a good thing and let it just be ---- Ok? I'll pretend you agree with me and it's all good.

I pray for love for all of us. I pray for grace for all of us. I pray for healing for all of us. I pray for a bright future for all of us. I know I'm looking for mine to move forward.

No more repeat conversations about some of this. Only forward ----- trying to take no more steps back.

I'll be over here working on being the best me I can be.

For me there is no doubt my decision was right. And last night there were no circles counted on the ceiling - I slept quite well.

I'm sorry I dragged this on --- Please forgive me.