CHOICES

I sat in my space in the circle.

Three of us knew one another.

The rest strangers.

I wasn't sure what I expected. But I do know that CHOICES got us here.

Mrs G - the facilitator - welcomed us all - observed the group - gave some guidelines -  admonished some (inside story there) - and asked us to introduce ourselves by first name.

Then we all listen - to Mrs. G - to one another - to the voices in our heads.

And I watch. I watch the faces as each one shares. I watch Mrs G's face. I watch the body language. The eyes. I see those closed - arms and legs crossed firmly. Refusal to look directly at any one. I see a wife turn away from a husband as he refuses to acknowledge any fault of his own in this scenario. I see a mother hopeful that her son will maybe hear - in time to be a part of his toddler's life. But in her eyes is a fear that getting her hopes up may hurt too much. I see a family trying to form a whole from a lot of little bits - there's a remark from one of them about being Jerry Springer material.  I see an Aunt spend two hours looking at the ceiling.

And I listen. To the gentle guiding of Mrs. G as she draws a closeness out this room of strangers. As she pulls a bit from her. A bit from him. I hear the pain in voices. I hear the encouragement. I hear the hope. I hear some resignation that this may never be as it should. I hear an admission from a man who says "I do not know how to live --- you will have to help me learn."

And I send my own body language signals. Stretching my legs as I settle in. I make the decision to really participate. I twirl my hair - its an unconscious thing I do. I bite that little spot inside my lip. At times tears threaten to spill.

A group counseling circle. Something I never expected to be a part of. Yet I'm open to the idea. Is this where healing happens? Are lives saved through this? Are relationships restored? Or developed? Or in the worst case - abandoned? What could I learn to help my loved ones? What could I learn to help myself?

Without the details, here are some things I learned?

Love is the reason I am in this room. Acceptance of the whole situation as it is and being willing to try to work through everything are also reasons I am here.

I am here because I made a choice to stand by this man.

This group of choices, the ones I've made, has started a series of other choices, for me and for several others. Easy choices, hard choices, past choices, future choices, fun choices, scary choices, add any of those descriptive words and you help me see. I can make my choices, I CANNOT make the choices for any one else in this story.

Every story is similar -- but each is unique.

I am a good mom. He is a good Dad.

Enabling bad behavior is a deep and not easily identified issue? And often is disguised by justification to ourselves and others.

What I WANT and what I EXPECT are two entirely different things. Not only are they different, they must be expressed in a way that keeps it clear.

What I'm still pondering --- CHOICES. The same thing every person in that room has to ponder.

Honestly - forward, positive decisions need to be the choice, but its tough to keep other's interest out of those decisions. I have put others first so much that I have a hard time doing what is best for me.

Here is the very last point I need to put out there - standing still - and some people use that to avoid things. SAY IT LOUD TO YOURSELF --- REFUSING TO DEAL WITH THINGS AKA "STANDING STILL" STILL REQUIRES MAKING A CHOICE. 

So saying to yourself that "i don't have a choice" or "I'm not choosing" or "if I ignore it, it will go away"  is still making a choice. 

Today - I'm choosing to breathe - and LOVE - and move another step forward.

The others in that room have to make their own CHOICES. 

I'm thinking THIS FAMILY -- we might just make it.

(I created those little affirmation shells in the picture at the beach last summer.)