sitting

This is no "holier than thou" post.

My house is a mess. 

I'm overwhelmed.

Every dream I have dreamed of late can be interpreted as "overwhelmed. unresolved issues. changes to be made." 

Dammit  - I don't know how. 

I do know that I feel like I am coming apart at the seams. 

or even worse. 

Like I need to give in and curl up and give up. 

Become as silent as the other. 

Become as non committal about anything and everything. 

Grunt when things are approached. 

But I also know how that would be even worse. 

Why the fuck am I hanging on? 

Why the fuck is this so damned hard? 

Why the fuck should I even care? 

Why the fuck? 

Why?

The? 

Fuck? 

Hell - I don't know.

But just like I have been doing since 1996

I put one foot in front of the other. 

I get up and put that damned mask on. 

OH- a few people can see behind it.

They know and love me anyway. 

Cancer didn't kill me.

But at times I think it might have been better if it had. 

How is that for honesty.

Now that I wrote it out. 

The struggle.

The pity party.

The ugliness. 

I want to delete it. 

I am NOT suicidal.

I am NOT depressed

I am NOT in any danger to myself.

I am frustrated.

I am tired.

I am lonely in that house. 

I am struggling to rid myself of frustration. 

But I do not want to hurt anyone.

They are all good people.

They may not be able to handle things

They need me to pick up the slack

Like I always do.

But always waiting for that next slack thing.

Having to be the one prepared for it.

Ever watchful - knowing the blind siding will come.

It always does.

Putting money away.

Always juggling numbers

Handling the difficult stuff. 

No damn wonder I am tired. 

Now five minutes is over and I have written ugly.

I have cried ugly too. 

Damn I want to get away from ugly. 

And some days, I really don't want to go home.