not one damned thing "snarky" in this post --- happy?

I was snarky yesterday.

I offended someone.

I am sorry. 

This is where I am real. 

Funny, I pondered the response I got after yesterday's post. 

And I decided, again, that I've made choices that people do not agree with.

I've made choices that people do not understand. 

And the biggest choice I made was to stop doing something. 

That something is hidden in a thought that I have resisted posting anywhere 

"Why do we spend so much time and energy trying to be what we THINK others want us to be? Shouldn't we spend that time and energy being our true selves?

At what point do we lose who we really are?

At what point does that projected persona become US?

And when our true self screams and then fights the way out, and those people who are watching

think we have suddenly changed, their defenses go into action.

So becoming our true selves hurts those we care about, not out of intention to do harm, but because the sudden realization is not easy to adjust to.

They react - we react - and the cycle starts again.

Our true selves really are a combination of all our environment and influences. 

And, in reality, we get to choose what to keep and what to refuse. 

So we are who we are because of our reactions to our environment."

Now how is that for talking in a circle?

(the nest above is my creation. Happy with how that turned out ---- yes MUCH)

I thought a lot about the response I got and decided to not be snarky here (well, I will try not to be).

So, in essence I've decided to measure my words carefully in order not to hurt feelings. 

Why? Because that is NOT who I want to be perceived as. 

Friends please take note: This is a very conscious decision. Not an offhanded reaction. 

What I will try to do is.

Include my survivor story - again and again - in hopes that even one person can be encouraged by that and choose to fight hard to survive their own battles.

Share my appreciation of all the ways I have been blessed.

Look at the sunrise and count it as a new opportunity to count and add blessings with each new day.

Snuggle with children who fill my life so wonderfully. 

Sing - dance - laugh - pray

Alone and with those who will do those things with me.

Cry - scream - cuss - drink

Alone or with someone who will let me rant and not try to FIX it.

(I'll try to keep these moments from here - I want your life to feel beautiful to and my negative energy doesn't add to anyone's beauty)

Run - write names on my shoes - try to pound those names into the ground.

Sweat - those drops are as important as tears. 

(and last night that run was really good thinking time - and kept me from firing off in an inappropriate manner) 

Spend time with my girls, my mama, my friends.

Work hard every day to be better than I was yesterday. 

Find my centered "place".

I'm working on it. 

I do know that Serenity Field has that effect on me. 

Much like Day Chapel did when I struggled with my first cancer diagnosis. 

Appreciate the deer. 

Oh my, running alongside those that are not afraid of me is truly magical. 

Gather fallen feathers and realize that angels come in all shapes, sizes and colors and let those feathers represent that to me. 

(side trip - did you know it is illegal to have those - oops) 

I'll continue to make things. 

Of course I will, for that really is a part of who I am

I will try not to let that little inner voice tell me how ugly I am, how weird I am, how I don't handle things correctly, how my heart is wrong in what I feel.

I will listen to the whispers that say you got this thing, you are gonna be just fine, your hair looks fabulous today, relax you know this all works out in the end, and you can have all kinds of peace, love, and joy surrounding you.

Tonight will find me at a funeral visitation, paying respect and offering condolences to a family.

Today finds me praying for my buddy, Charlie, as he recovers from an accident that has left him battered and bruised, but alive and thankful.

Tonight, I will sit at a table and share a good meal surrounded by love and laughter, story, and looking towards the future.

Today finds me praying for Andrew, which is a hard prayer as he awaits a liver transplant and in order for that to happen, someone loses a loved one and makes hard decisions.

Tonight, I will wonder at the blessings of the day.

Today, I will wonder at the blessings of the day. 

Today, I thank you for pointing out who I am not and who I do not want to be. 

I am sorry, I was snarky.

I will reign that behavior in.

And you can know you had that influence on me and that I reacted in a positive manner.