Magazines and Clippings.

I love a good quality magazine. It's a huge problem area. I looked back through my other blog this morning and discovered that clutter and lack of organization has been a focus for so damned long. 

I should have just worked on the real issues --- like loneliness, feeling unworthy, regrets, fears ---- this can go on and on and on. 

I hang onto things for far too long. Even bad things. There is a big admission. 

I have worked on those things diligently for almost five solid years. And now I am beginning to see how the mental and emotional issues feed this visual clutter / hoarding problem.  NOTICE I SAID BEGINNING TO SEE. 

I am getting rid of stuff and it actually feels ok. Night before last, I chunked an entire kitchen trash bag full of clippings that no longer applied to my life. (I have big boxes, bags, baskets of this stuff.) 

As I was doing this, I found things that really spoke to my heart (my girls trip journals from long ago vacations).

I found things that made me wonder out loud  "why the fuck was this important to me?" 

I found things that still mattered to me. I kept those.

After about 30 minutes of this project - a small stack from a basket that has plenty more to deal with - I felt myself having a negative response to the project. I started having a hard time deciding. I could tell that old emotions were surfacing and I wanted to "hang on" to things that my rational brain was begging me to let go of or deal with. 

OK. Here is what I did.

I finished that pile of clippings - did not get any more from the basket. 

I cleaned up the area where I was working. Stacking the "KEEP" pile in a neat small box. 

I took that trash bag to the outdoor can. 

I put the 6 magazines that I could not bear to toss in a bag and took them to my car. Those were donated to a young lady who's creative interests matched the magazines. 

I mourned - yes, mourned. Many of the trashed clippings were decor ideas for the house and yards. Those did not happen. Many of them were ideas for my girls and I to do together. Those did not happen. Many were from trips or events that I wanted to be a part of. Those did not happen. There were other things in there that did not happen.

I picked up a hand stitching project and threaded my needle and I stitched through that mourning for a while. Hand stitching - making - that's my safe zone. I am ok there. I can think and deal with issues there. I had worked hard to fight these feelings and push them back to that place I use to hide them. But this time I had decided to deal, so I let myself do that. I shed tears. I bitched. I whined. 

I dealt. Something I should have been doing all along. 

It was hard and now I am finished with that one. 

Next project. 

Maybe someday - I will finally be ok.