on listening to my heart.........

Me - October 2010.

Let me first say, I was 6 months post cancer surgery. 

And I was CLUELESS about what that was to mean long term. 

I had reworked the showroom at my grown up girl job and I had a lot of help doing that. 

I was also CLUELESS about what that was to mean long term. 

Today - I not only work the showroom, but the counter and warehouse when required. 

I have also learned a lot about sizing (of all things) sewage pumps.

(yes - my job is seriously filled with all kinds of things glamorous)

Changes have occurred. 

I have matured.

I have made a LOT of mistakes. 

But I have also made some major - life enhancing - beautiful decisions. 

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

My God, I have cried buckets of tears. 

Hard, sobbing, grief filled buckets. 

I have felt judged. 

I have been encouraged.

There have been huge steps forward. 

And equally huge falls backwards. 

I tried to ignore many many things that my heart has told me. 

I felt like I was right about my path. 

I made decisions based on that "feeling" 

But you know there was always this nagging little thing (s). 

That bit that made me just a little anxious to think hard about. 

I spent hours (and miles) running the thoughts through my mind (and through the woods) 

(read the archives of this blog  - a lot of it is covered) 

Here is my TRUTH and I really owe the phrasing of this to my mom. 

The experts tell us we need to "sell ourself" to others, but the fact of the matter is way too often we sell ourselves way too short.

I did that. Have been doing that for so long. Still do that, although age has brought some wisdom. 

Since the second cancer surgery and recovery, I made a series of decisions.

Some beautiful, wonderful, life changing decisions.

The kind that propel you to be stronger.

Some were painful. (for me and for others) 

I have grieved the losses I experienced. 

I have handled some of it poorly. 

Some of them easy - some more difficult.

But, I knew the second I made the right ones, because the "little nagging things" feelings went away.

I've made these decisions. 

And acting on then has given me the "KNOWING" that I am really on a better path. 

Notice - I did not say the RIGHT path.......or even the BEST one.

Is this the right path? 

I'm hopeful. 

It may not be, but my heart is full. 

My life is full. 

And I honestly have no issue with moving forward from where I have been and where I am without fully knowing where I am going. Because where I have been was a blessing too. 

Now - when I have those little, nagging, makes me anxious feelings - I stop, assess the whole thing, try to deal with it quickly and move forward from there. 

And all through it - I AM COUNTING BLESSINGS. 

That counting - well it confirms that my heart has survived and is still willing to speak to me. 

Doesn't hurt to love on a baby or two, or several along the way. 

A few more pounds. 

A bit more gray.

With a smile that reaches all the way to my eyes. 

LIFE IS FREAKING BEAUTIFUL.
________________________________________________________
Part of me almost stopped writing this story.
Seems some people feel singled out as negatively portrayed.
I've prayed and pondered - even made a trip to that place that eased my soul through the first cancer journey.

Then - a friend told me last night how beautiful it is to see the real me returning.

To read, see, and KNOW that my soul is being soothed and nurtured, instead of just exisiting.

So instead of stopping - - - - -

I have edited this post today to say this. I am responsible for the where I am. I take full responsibility for the journey I have traveled. This is a story of my hope and of my healing. There are some who read more into what has been written than was intended. This is also a very incomplete writing. There are parts of this that will forever remain untold. This is as it should be. I've dealt with hurt and disappointment. I've dealt with frustration. I've dealt with blessings and beauty. If you have read here and see yourself in a less than favorable light, I am sorry.

See - this is my side of my story.
And a very wise man said to me several times.
There is your side of the story.
There is the other side of the story.
And the real truth falls somewhere between the sides.

Life is messy.
People screw up.
I believe that people change.
I believe that judgement is wrong.
But I also know that my version of the story can look like judgement if you see yourself in these lines.
I've tried hard to protect SO MANY (yes - that includes you) from being recognized.
And I also suspect that some may assume I am speaking of them, when, in fact I am not.

I do not mean to hurt.

I only mean to heal myself.

If you think this has not been hellacious for me, you are so wrong. It has, it is, it will be.

Damned dragon slaying is hard work.

and LIFE IS STILL BEAUTIFUL.

oh, and I have loved on some littles again today.