HERE'S THAT SLOW MOVING TRAIN AGAIN

Note - I am an amateur phtographer - all photos on this post are mine - there may not be specific commentary on them, but they represent moments that were important to record.

My 2016 word was PROGRESS. 

It was a year of that kind of thing. 

I made PROGRESS in a lot of areas. 

But I was not really very proactive in pursuing PROGRESS.

This year is different. 

I've chosen REFOCUS as my word for 2017.

And I am already making my plans for a strong year.

Financially - Emotionally - Mentally - Creatively - Serving Others

Functionally 

It's difficult to put where I am in these areas into words.

Things are fine, nothing is wrong, I just have no real way to describe this "place" where I am. 

So I'm doing the hard work of putting something indescribable into words and a plan. 

Look at that statement and say it.

Bless Her Heart -- (insert southern clucking sounds here)

I've taken to handwashing my dishes. Doesn't take that long. Gives me a feeling of control when I see the stack on the drain tray. Yes, tray. When I handwash, I have a silver tray by the sink. One I would rarely use other wise. It is so pretty and I want to be surrounded by things that I like to see. 

For years - the counters were cluttered - and I didn't even realize that it bothered me. But the coffec maker was there and the plants and this and that and --- and ---- and.

There was NEVER any prep space around the sink so I worked in a tiny little 6 inch edge in front of all that crap. 

This time I've placed things better --- there's a NICE cutting board that I almost hesitated to use because it is so damned gorgeous. But as I chop vegetables - I find myself looking and getting fully lost in that activity - I also appreciate that beautiful craftsmanship with every cut. Call it a WIN for living beautifully. 

Add one silver tray - lined with a tapestry placemat -- use hand crocheted dish cloths and hand embellished drying towels - YES THIS FEELS beautifully authentic me for some crazy reason. 

Oh and the coffee maker is still there - complete with my upside down cup waiting for the next fully savored cup to be made - it's is covered with a handkerchief drape to keep the dust at bay. Makes me happy too. 

Simplicity - that's a craving I've identified. 

It doesn't mean living without things.

It means living without excess things.

I sort through the years of stuff. This has a use. This has a place. This is damned gorgeous and thus with be given a place.  This has emotional ties. Then "why the hell do I have this?" 

Those WHY THE HELL? things are easier now than they were - I've sold some, gifted some, donated some trashed a shitload of them. 

It's that last category of things that baffles me. The ones that don't fit any of the above categories. So I have a box for those - a copier paper sized box. I put those in the box as my mind freezes on what to do about those. And they wait. But only until the box is full. Then I get my mind settled to DEAL with the contents of the box. I dump it out - I touch those things - I try to REFOCUS on them and I try to give them a place. It's slowly allowing me to gain ground in the simplifying process. Some make multiple trips through THE BOX. But such is life and the hard work of being authentic. 

Photographs - preserving a moment in time so that one can revisit the image and be reminded of the moment. 

When I see that picture above, I smell salt water, I feel the breeze coming off the ocean, the sound of the surf as it crosses the sand. There's a bird or two. There's even the sound of the pool pump. The scrape of chairs as others emerge into the morning. I hear laughter among our little group. I smell coffee. I hear the traffic along the street out front. 

Just to the left of this image - there's a shrimp boat. If I zoom way in with the lens, I can see the crew on the deck, working, to bring fresh shrimp for someone's dinner tonight. 

To the right - on the sand - a couple walks slowly - stopping to pick up something occasionally. The rental guy drives along the beach - putting out the chairs and umbrellas. Joggers - bicycles. It's all there. 

But you can't see all of that - you have a horizon sunrise over the water. Some clouds at the horizon line. A fun shape silhouetted against the sun. 

Is my FULL PROCESS image better than your PRETTY image? 

Or does the image bring a moment to your mind and fill in those missing parts for you? 

These things are in my head as I see the image I want to capture. Am I photographing for me? Or am I photographing for others? 

And how do I reconcile the stories into an image I will share? 

Also, how best to share the images? 

Should I pursue postcards - some have suggested that? 

Note cards?

Would my images be marketable?

Do I want that to happen?

Or do I want to simply be here and reminded of why the image is a time record of a special moment for me? 

Just questions.

Molly - my sweet child. The one who change my name and my heart to Mama. 

Molly was blindsided by her husband deciding that he wanted out in 2016. 

Let me tell you how difficult that is for a MAMA. She was devastated. 

Then perspective started to happen. See, Molly was a sick little girl. She was not eating right for the kind of training she was doing. She was running a LOT. She was in a horrible stressful situation in her post graduate program. And after the fact, we learned that the stresses of her home situation were astronomically larger than that. So she lost weight. She cried. She didn't sleep. She withdrew from family situations. It was horrid for this MAMA to watch. 

Then the bottom fell out from under her. 

She came HOME. 

That has been my goal in everything with my girls, To give them a safe place to land while they are exploring their wings. 

She soon discovered that she was not ALONE. 

That she was loved beyond measure by so damned many people. 

Snippets of our conversations from the past several months.

"look at these Facebook pictures Mom, Hello, I KNOW I was there - but am I included ?--- No just him and her."

"I think in your twenties, you think you know everything, then as you gain life experience, you realize that you don't know a damned thing."

"I will NEVER make you and your sister choose."

It has been so hard --- and it has been so beautiful - and it has been so challenging. 

But in the photos around the Holidays, I can see the light coming back on in her eyes. 

She's so much healthier. and a little bit wiser.

And, just like her MAMA, she is trying on who she really is. As she is finding what fits, those are the things she is keeping. 

I do think she is gaining some wisdom. Don't you?

I wear so many hats at work. My actual title is Showroom Manager. But I sell at the counter. And I manage the office and inventory. All the paperwork. All the management reports.

I clean the bathrooms - take out the trash - sweep the sidewalk - etc. 

Lest you think it is a one person operation - there is a counter/warehouse manager and a delivery driver.

We are a small store - and we work really well together. 

But as a result, I get really scattered. 

I have the showroom and that office. I have the management office. I have the counter and warehouse area. 

And my damned pen and / or coffee cup could be anywhere in any of those areas. 

It's a problem - sometimes - but I am slowly learning to keep up with things in many different ways. 

Folders - files - lists. This plan. This report. UGH. 

I do want to display a more professional appearance here, but still keep it well in my personal style. 

Again - I am so unsure of where / how to proceed with that project. 

For just today, I think I'll clear the 2016 POA files and get those packed away.......

Then I can get a fresh start on those tomorrow. 

Life is so damned complex -- being authentic AND professional actually confuses me so much. 

Give PEACE the chance.

I took the picture above on the way home from the beach.

Beautiful graffiti.

But that word resonated within - at that moment and several more times.

My friend - Patti - upon suddenly finding herself lurching forward from a very negative situation, sums it up for me.

"I want to come home, come into a place of peace, and not have to worry about what's going to trigger an argument or how careful I have to be about what I say"

That's me - I want to be surrounded with PEACE.

Simplicity and PEACE.

I want my surroundings to feel serene, secure, simple, peaceful.

I want to feel like I can create and welcome others readily.

I want to be a part of something that feels connected, but not stressful.

I want to lay down every night with the thoughts that "I made a difference in some way today."

I want others to see and feel that I am at PEACE with who and where I am.

St. Augustine sunrise.

We detoured early that morning. I wanted to ride the ferry at Jacksonville.

The intended breakfast stop was not open yet. 

We decided to stop later. 

Little did we know that LATER was to be a LOT LATER in Jacksonville at a McDonald's. 

Oh but the laughter - the coastal beauty as it was dark, then gradually gained light and finally as the sun began to rise. 

Story telling. 

Beauty appreciation. 

Laughter.

Fun.

Felt like adventure. 

AND THE DAMNED FERRY WAS CLOSED.

We still had a great morning.

Hawks.

God, how I adore hawks.

From when I was pregnant with Molly, I've been enamoured with them.

See, every morning of my pregnancy, I spotted the same one in the same area of my trip to work. 

It gave me comfort to spot him. 

Now I actively seek these stunning birds of prey. 

My love for them has me learning about them and other birds of prey. 

I know this guy was a RED TAILED HAWK. 

And he (or she) seemed to sit patiently for me as I tried settings on the camera. 

The internal conversation I was having was affirming in this moment too. 

I am moving on into a season of satisfaction with who I am and where I am. 

My health is improving because of these things.

Less stress is ALWAYS a good thing. 

I will praise Him for every sunrise and every sunset. 

I have upheld that promise I made on April 11, 2010.

Cancer.

You can say you will not be defined by it.

But in many ways I am.

That diagnosis and recovery changed me. 

I hope those changes made me a better person. Actually, I know those changes made me a better person. 

As strange as this sounds. 

Being a cancer survivor brought me HOPE. 

Because by surviving, I got another chance to change things for the better. 

Let me tell you --- I smile and laugh a whole lot more now. 

I love a whole lot bigger.

I forgive with no expectations of the other party. 

Cancer --- life altering for so many reasons --- you get to choose whether those alterations are positive or negative. 

Just so you know ---- there was no gold at either end of this --- I checked.

Beauty --- I sat and watched this form and then I stayed and watched it fade. 

It was the afternoon of a visit with someone who may not survive cancer. 

Instead of sadness, she generates so much peace and joy. 

So this promise sign spoke and said that we are NEVER alone.

Worthy of watching and recording don't you think?

4 wheeler views.

These come with time spent in nature.

Watching - breathing deeply - relaxing.

Firepit time.

Great sleep.

I even dressed me and spent lots of time in the stand.

Alone.

This is new again for me.

See my Daddy hunted, but since he died I was not exposed.

Crusty Old Guy has reintroduced me to that activity.

I hunt with my camera. Pistol with me as a defense only.

But it sure is fun.

I laughed the first morning.
Cold.
Very cold.
I bundled up.
Onto the 4 wheeler.
and remarked how Daddy is probably laughing right now about this.

I'll be continuing that little project.

Blogging has changed.

Almost replaced by instagram and other social media outlets. 

But folks, I like it here. 

My little online journal. 

Where I can spill me and return for visits with my past self. 

I can see improvements in my photography.

I can see the growth that is happening.

It's interesting to re-read the entries. 

As part of my REFOCUS, I want to find a way to add to my financial stability utilizing my passions for creating and photography. I have no desire to become a photographer, but yet I would like to share my photographs in a low key financial manner. But I am not sure how. So more thought will go into that direction. 

The photo above is a favorite. 

I have no idea why silhouettes are so drawing to me. 

But they are and I scan the horizon as I drive or walk looking for those types of images.

I am still looking for the perfect church steeple one and the perfect wind mill and water tower too. 

Funny - I can't describe what those are, but I am quite sure I will KNOW it when it appears. 

I do plan to spend time on backroads this year, looking for fun things to photograph.

My mama likes to go, so maybe I can sucker her into a few of these trips.

Birds are hard to photograph. They just will not sit still. (insert smile there) 

This little guy is a steady visitor, to the pecan trees out back. 

Christmas Day was gorgeous and I sat at the patio table ALL afternoon. 

Crocheting.

Listening to his soft little hammer as he searched for food.

Once I spotted him, I started the photos.

The first one - obviously he's found something. 

And then I was patient --- waiting for him to stop for just a minute. 

That patience paid off.

Just look at that second picture. 

Cardinals are supposedly the presence of angels around us. 

And everyone spots those bright, colorful, males.

The females are less obvious, but look at those gorgeous colors. I really would like to have a blanket in those neutrals with just an occasional red, dark blue, and orange bit of color.

Isn't she stunning.

My thoughts here are much more philosophical.

I thing we are all waiting for beautiful moments. 

Tomorrow.

When I get out of school.

When I retire.

when I get out of debt. 

How about we go HUNT those moments. 

SEEK them out. 

Then maybe, just maybe, we will slow down.

Rest.

Relax.

Breathe.

The photo above is my newest screen saver. 

That gorgeous light.

I was walking across the yard, and the light was simply stunning. 

Soft and golden.

I wanted to see if I could capture the "wish flowers" in silhouette. (see above commentary) 

That did not happen - but that soft and ethereal photo did happen. 

AND I LOVE IT

I went looking for beauty in my definition and found something totally different. 

Yes --- that --- that is what slowing down and simplicity is. 

Lets' talk about this big guy. 

He made an appearance here  and here .

I consider him MY hawk.

He's a big - red shouldered guy. 

And he oversees Serenity Field.

It gives me great pleasure to spot him in the tree line. 

I'll often just sit or stand and watch him. 

I ALWAYS thank God for the gift of seeing him. 

And I pray for Crusty Old Guy to be able to continue seeing everything.

He has macular degeneration and also some other vision issues that have cropped up since his cateract surgery.

We have yet another appointment with a specialist on Tuesday January 24.

Please lift us up as we chase down these issues in the hope that we get some improvements in his sight. 

I cannot imagine losing mine and it hurts me to see him struggle with his. 

Last photo.

Last thoughts for now. 

That is a Brown Thrasher. 

He's beautiful, but is often hidden by staying in and under dense brush. 

I spotted this one by listening to the songs he was singing and the rustle of leaves as he rummaged through the leaves. 

Maybe that's what we are doing. 

Hiding under and behind so much, that others have a difficult time seeing us. 

Maybe we also have a hard time seeing others, because we are unwilling to listen for the songs. 

Maybe if we all listen and share and seek, we can expand love and respect for us all. 

Because we are all beautiful

Just some thoughts.

My Empty Nest

Abby has gone North.

She now has a Staten Island, NY Address

A New York Drivers License

And a New York voter registration.

I am so very proud of her adventurous step out into the world.

There's Joe - he's part of the reason for this little residence change.

(Someday, I may forgive him for taking here way off up there) 

(Just kidding - he is in the NYPD Academy and will soon be one of New York's Finest Officers - how could you not be proud of the young man) 

Mama has an Abby sized hole in her world.

But then this little guy joined us. 

Elias Charles Felton

August 26, 2015

9lbs 1oz

He's a cutie - don't you think?

I'm spending time strolling, riding, running.

Making my own transitions for this particular time in my life. 

At times my view feels a little bit hazy.

Much like Madison County on a foggy country morning.

And sometimes it feels like I can see beauty for miles.

Sunsets and sunrises.

Still I collect them.

Reminders that God is generous with Grace and Beauty.

There is an occasion critter encounter.

Again reminders that no matter what the circumstance may be, He is there.

Plans for my future are solid.

So here I find myself. 

Mama to two

Mama T to several more

Watching - waiting - knowing.

Empty nest and all. 

And hard working hands gently cradle a sweet one.

(be still my heart)

We pray for him so

This world is so hard now.

And getting harder every moment.

Little Eli - I hope you too, like big Cam, will be able to say 

"Pop is my best friend" 

or

"I was having too much fun with Mama T to miss you mama"

Only forward.

This is so hard --- clutter post #4

No pretty pictures with this one because the realization is not pretty and big ugly tears have been a huge part of this one.

This came in email form for me from Kathi Lipp - you can sign up for her emails at the link

If you need reasons to stay motivated as you clear out the clutter, think about the ways that clutter has kept you from relationships. 

When I started to talk about the book with friends, I was AMAZED at the legacy that clutter has in our lives.

The number of people who don't spend time with their parents because of the overwhelming clutter in their folk's homes.

The number of families that don't eat dinner at the table because it's so piled with stuff.

The number of couples who don't feel rested in their own bedrooms because the piles of "stuff".

If you're feeling overwhelmed by the amount of decluttering that needs to be done, remember - this isn't just for a tidy house - it's for the people inside your home.

*****************************************************************************

A letter to Molly and Abby (and their boys) --

I am so freaking sorry.

Our house was never one to be proud of. 

Always cluttered.

Always a mess. 

I now have a better understanding of how that kept you wanting to "hang" at other people's homes. 

From the porches - through the kitchen - all the way to those closed doors hiding the mess in the bedrooms. 

It was never your fault --- this has been about me and my not dealing with issues that have needed to be resolved for many many years. 

I love you both so much. And this is one of the hardest things I have ever said. I hope we can move beyond the years we lost and have many bright days ahead. 

Please let's talk about things - as they were, as they are, as they evolve. 

Dealing with issues has not been a strength of mine. And I filled that "hole" in my soul with things. Oh hell, I have made and continue to make really pretty stuff, but I failed in making you a welcoming home. 

As I continue to resolve inner and outer conflict, things are changing. Many of the changes are so hard, but I pray that they are all changes for the better for ALL of us. 

Just remember that you two are my life. I knew that I could never seem to get my act together, but I always tried to put you guys first. Just to see your smiles made my darkest days better. 

The Cancer five years ago changed so much. You both may have no idea how close I came to dying, but there it is. I get to celebrate life every day now. And even though I live with the fear of it returning, I will LIVE HARD, LIVE BEAUTIFULLY, AND LOVE FULLY. 

Molly, you married and have started your big, beautiful life. I am so proud of who you are and how you seem to be managing things. I'm right here loving you and being one of your biggest cheerleaders. Celebrating your successes. And lifting your struggles. I do hope that someday you will be able to say "my mama is also my friend" 

Abby - you are about to launch yourself into that big old world. I am scared to death of the changes coming (I was when Molly left home too), but I will not allow my fears to, in any way, keep you from living beautiful too. And I am proud of who you are, even though I did do some unconventional things with you as you were growing up, you have become one of my heroes. I also hope that you can tell people "my mama is my friend". 

I am trying so hard to make things better for me - which in turn will be better for all of us. Please forgive the failures. Celebrate the successes. Love hard through the evolving. 

And don't be mad when I pack up the tractor pull trophies you got when you were four. 

Above all --- remember - NO MATTER WHAT, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

MOM

*****************************************************************************

Yes peeps ---- this is exhausting and emotional and I will have set backs and successes. 

It is finally not about organizing stuff, it's about resolving issues and getting my crap together finally. 

Today, I am dealing with the regrets of how this may have affected my girls, but I'll simply work on forgiving myself along with asking them for their forgiveness. 

Have a beautiful day . 

yup - his name is Daddy

Oh - I worked so hard with that oldest one. 

Say Daddy.

Call Daddy. 

Look it's Daddy. 

So she said Daddy first. 

Then, in the middle of the night she would stand in her crib, shaking the rail, hollering "DADDY!!!!" 

And I would say - "Honey, she's calling you" 

And they would get up and eat pop-tarts and watch Barney videos. 

And I would smile and go right back to sleep. 

No worries - she was in good hands. 

Then the younger one came along - and he was on to me. 

So he would say -- "she wants you" and then quickly go back to sleep. 

While the Softball Princess and I would stay awake FOR HOURS. 

She slept one hour a night from 8 months through eighteen months. 

He brought the basketball - soccer ball - and softball to the hospital. 

year round we play ball (toss in running sports later) 

drive 10 hours one way to watch the Princess run the bases ONE time --- been there

Drive four hours one way to watch the RUNNER Girl in a cross country meet - 4 hours for a 22 minute event. --- did that one too. 

I drove to school (and made Abby wear seasonal appropriate clothing) 

I am estimating he made at least 4000 school lunches. 

He coached.

I forced homework completion. 

He made LONG order pancakes. 

Me - school projects.

He warned about leaving the dryer running when they took showers. 

Might cause a fire.

I waited up because they were supposed to text when they got to wherever they were going.

Whoo those girls - they love him. 

No reason for them not to.

He's their DADDY.

Both adults now. 

He still checks on Runner Girl's car - even though she is quite married. 

Raise the Softball Princess bed so she can get stuff under it in her dorm room - even though it required tow trips. 

Of course - his name is Daddy.

He drives them nuts with all the "healthy eating" tips.

Forwards emails with all manner of information they most likely don't need. 

His name is Daddy. 

Those two girls -- they love him 

no reason not to 

He's their Daddy. 

To those two girls......

no matter where you go

he is still your Daddy. 

Keep close to him. 

Because 

whoo -- he loves those girls

not reason not to

he's their Daddy.

My --- how I have changed.........and trying to correct what i did wrong.

So, there was this text / facebook conversation last week. 

Molly "organized" a dinner with her parents. (her facebook word) 

Now, let's just say, I do not see her as often as I would like. (Ben, you too) 

She's a young married lady, full time grad student, has two dogs, is a teaching assistant and lives SO FAR AWAY ---- aka 19 miles in Athens. So I definitely understand. Add to that - as she was growing up, we did not visit the grandparents as frequently as we should have. So there is no pattern there for being committed to EVERY SUNDAY AT LUNCH with the parents. 

And THIS IS NOT AN ANGRY POST! 

I repeat - I AM NOT AT ALL ANGRY. 

But - I digress - 

I was tickled that they were coming. 

And she organized a dinner after all

Mom cooked and she brought pie. 

Any way - because I really did have a major upheaval in my life a few years ago - I am trying to make the girls understand that I REALLY REALLY need to see them and spend time with them. 

And I REALLY REALLY want at some time in the future to see the Grandchildren. 

So ---- back to the dinner. 

Molly and Ben are coming for dinner. 

Special request - deer - in some form.

So I fixed tenderloin - marinated in a CocaCola concoction (it was amazing)

then roasted asparagus and potatos

along with a salad ---- 

And I wanted a way for her to know I was excited about her coming. 

It was a glorious spring day.

So, I moved the table off the porch out under the pecan trees. 

Added benches and that rainbow fabric that makes me tear up.

We hung it as wall covering when I was pregnant with her. Then it has been tablecloth, sheets, curtains, baby doll blankets, fort walls - and numerous other fun things. 

Then, I strolled the yard and put a little of this and a little of that in a vase. 

(it was in the center - but she moved it with the phrase "this is pretty, but I can't see you.)

It was all about showing her that I was excited she was visiting. 

Well ----- that backfired a bit. 

She was a little skeptical --- what's up with this --- we never do this. 

Yes - Molly you are right - and it was wrong of me that we didn't. 

And the skepticism caused me to feel a little silly in my thinking this would feel special. 

Take another look - - - yup - - - skeptical. 

But I swallowed my awkwardness and went on with the plan. 

We sat down and had a wonderful meal. 

Not fancy, but still special. 

There were laughter and stories. 

We caught up on their comings and goings. 

There were smiles and a retreat into the house as the coolness of dusk arrived. 

It may have been awkward and unusual to go to that effort, but to me it was well worth it. 

See - I didn't die in 2010.

I vowed to live fully and beautifully. 

And an impromptu picnic on a sunny spring day under the pecan trees felt full and beautiful. 

Cancer did not win. 

There will be other opportunities to do fun, unusual, full, beautiful, fun things like this. 

Who knows, I may even hang that white candolier from one of those trees. 

I love my life. 

Gonna keep surprising people. 

HOME ---

I just read a blog post and like many things a single line caught my attention ----

It's funny, I have friend who sees a therapist regularly and she is often asked to explain herself for these kinds of things. Maybe recognizing and then writing these impressions down is therapeutic. 

Here's the post I was reading.

here is the quote that slammed me.

"   I felt tired. It felt like it would be more work than I had the energy to do. I was confused about which way to go. I read go dark! I read go light! We didn’t have a large budget. I worried that I couldn’t get what I wanted without the right amount of money.

Until I just got tired of being tired."

That is me ---- that is my house ----- I know what happened ----- She moved away, thing changed, my give a damn is broke again. 

I'n the picture above, you can see a sliver of a dark wall. I want that dark paint gone so badly, I want light and pretty and PANTONE WHITECAP GREY walls - yes i do. And since she moved away, I'll have to do it myself. It's a long story and it is very complicated, but it is what it is. I want - I want - I want. And none of it is super expensive, its just super overwhelming. 

So - now I have really identified the problem and now I can really take that power away from it. 

The blogpost ended with the phrase "I feel silly for stalling" ---- yup - I want to be able to write that phrase. 

And I have one of the world's best GIVE A DAMN repairmen readily available.

Have a great afternoon.