The darkness is beautiful........

Sunday afternoon rides in the mountains.

My Daddy loved them.

It was a family in the car event.

There were givens.

Daddy drove.

Mama at shotgun.

Tracey and me in the back seat. Or at times on the back of the truck. 

(I am still a country girl at heart.)

At some point Daddy would say "STOP KICKING THE SEAT"

And he would say "I'LL GIVE YOU A QUARTER FOR THAT PIECE OF GUM"

(smacking gum grated on his nerves) 

And if we happened up on a tunnel - there was ALWAYS - yelling out the windows and blowing the horn.

Oh - that echo. 

And the resulting laughter.

The darkness. 

The sudden temperature change. 

Last night I dreamed about tunnels.

Sudden darkness. 

But I was alone. 

There was no family riding. 

No horn blowing.

No yells.

No laughter. 

And the air was heavy. 

Not cooler.

Hard to breathe.

I felt fear. 

(Honestly, I've been living in fear for several years.)

 Much like the first time we walked into the tunnel above. 

Stumphouse Mountain in Oconee County South Carolina.

An incompleted tunnel, so as you enter, there is no light in front of you. 

I was scared. 

It was muggy.

I could hear water as it trickled and dripped. 

Every now and then a splash in the little stream alongside the path would startle me. 

And the swoosh of bats. 

Daddy held my hand that day and explained things.

And he gave the tidbit of wisdom. 

Just stand here a minute and your eyes will adjust to the dark. 

Then you will be able to see things around you. 

You know - he was right.

And because I needed it he didn't let go of my hand. 

The dream - I have let it sit with me this morning. 

Played it through my mind again and again. 

Just standing here a minute and letting my mind's eye adjust. 

And I have gathered my own interpretation. 

of what my dream was trying to tell me. 

The darkness scared me.

The not knowing scares me now. 

The not being able to "see" scares me too.

I've called it "frozen in fear" 

But now I can say

I'm just standing here. 

Until I can adjust. 

Then, I will follow MY path out of the darkness of that tunnel

And into the light of one that looks like this. 

Or maybe looks 

Totally different than that

But you know what. 

I'll explain it to myself.

Matter of fact. 

I'll go to homes of friends.

I'll feel comfortable instead of on edge.

I'll go to the doctor. 

And if I'm nervous, I'll remember.

That a friend talked me through a scan result visit - she held my hand.

I'll remember that I've seen the images before.

I'll remember that Buttons appear on my porch

I'll remember that a little boy wasn't afraid to crawl up on my hospital bed. 

I'll remember that life is found in taking my mama to the fireworks.

That my daughters still need to be mom.

I'll remember that every carefully considered decision will help me

help me - remember that the next step forward will bring me closer to 

A real time view of 

This....... 

The first three pictures were blatantly snagged from the Internet. That last one --- the real life view  - that picture is one I took on a lovely fall afternoon.

Yes - I'm still afraid of the darkness coming again. 

But today, my eyes have adjusted and I'm beginning to see.

Just who I really am. 

And getting glimpses of who and where I want to be.