Lost

how it happened - I have NO idea

but why it happened I can figure out

I haven't posted a sunrise or sunset picture in days.

Life does not feel particularly beautiful - or joy filled - or even blessing filled.

Why --

Because I KNOW the next step I am about to take is one of the hardest i have ever taken.

and I KNOW it is going to come with wagging tongues and ugly phrases (because people will not understand)

and I KNOW that those I care deeply for are going to be hurt and confused and very possibly angry

but I also KNOW that I have given it every opportunity to be different and it is not.

see KNOWING the next step and KNOWING the possible hardships from it and KNOWING that it is the very best for me and for some of those who will swear it is the worst possible thing ever.

well - all that damned KNOWING - has me NOT KNOWING how to move forward at all.

there - now I said it - maybe it will lose some power over me.

Encourage

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds

                                                                      Hebrews 10:24-25

I turned 49 yesterday. Now I am really pushing one of those BIG birthday numbers. 

A while back, I was talking to the oldest piece of my heart, my daughter Molly.

She is a runner ---- a serious runner. 

She also knows her mom struggles through every single step of a cardio workout. 

During this recent moment of insanity (aka conversation), I may have stepped outside my body and committed to training for a half marathon. 

We are going to Cordova, Alaska for my 50th birthday - to compete in the Salmon Run. July 2015 ------ 

See - I told you it was a moment of insanity ----

This morning I cried --- big crocodile tears slid down my cheeks. 

The picture above is my 49th birthday gift. Made by my runner daughter for me. A gift I cannot use ---- YET. See she plans on mounting my bibb and finishers medal on this board. 

A subtle item of encouragement for me ---- that I can do this. That she believes in me. That she will be there to see me cross the finish line. 

Knowing that she believes I can and will accomplish this - well that gives me courage and willpower to move forward on some life changes I need to make. 

I spent years sacrificing for my girls. Pushing them to be better. To apply themselves to whatever task is at hand. Encouraging them to be the absolute best they can be.  I have not one single regret for loving them enough to sacrifice. Now I see them as young adults and our relationships are growing and changing. This is a beautiful, natural, wondrous occurrence.

So now I,  for so long the encourager, get to accept encouragement (and practical advice) from my daughter. 

That realization is what made me cry. 

For now - that 13.1 plaque --- well it will hold a training plan to get her middle aged mom ready for her greatest midlife physical challenge.

HELLO PEOPLE --- THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.

life is beautiful ---- every single day - even those days when you have lost your mind and committed to something CRAZY. 

21

So this little girl

with a heart of gold

turned 21

yes, I now have two adult children

that one above 

she's the baby

the softball princess

funny

sweet

kind

loving

smart

I could go on and on and on

what she really is 

my heart

and on a sweet July evening

that ended with a sunset like this

we celebrated her

there was a public humiliation that included her version of a dance

and a wonderful dinner that included her big sister and hubby 

her dad and myself

and her bestie childhood buddy

that dinner included love 

stories

wit 

loads of laughter

including me completely losing it

you know 

that thing that really is not that funny

but strikes you 

and you 

CAN"T

STOP 

LAUGHING

I laughed until I could not breathe

tears rolled down my cheeks

and yes - I almost peed my pants. 

that laughter was so good for me

has not happened in such a long time with these two monsters

Happy Birthday Softball Princess

I love you

********************************************

that last picture is very telling really.

quotes from last night

"look at my eyebrows, I'm supposed to be a redhead"

"Why did you order so much food"

"you have to love me, but it's easy 'cause I'm cute and funny"

and the quote represented by the picture

"It's ok, I grabbed Abby's butt"

?!?!?! SISTERS!?!?!?

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

Bare Feet

no distracting noise.

no tv, radio, pandora radio

yet it is not silent either

 hear and notice the noises of progress

there's the truck spreading manure

corn shucks softly piling on the lid to the trash can

finish that part of the task

going through the door

take off shoes

for some reason this really feels like a barefoot kind of place

gather the things needed

clear the unneeded away

there's a lesson there don't you think

more noise

the water filling the boiler

the sound the lid makes as it leaves the sugar jar

even the sound of the measuring spoon scooping the sugar

now water boiling

add corn-  hear that splash

the boil changes

watch the clock 

three minutes

or the darker color

bare feet feel the cool of the floor

ice in a bowl of water

the small sound of the corn being place on the counter

repeat process

boil - add corn - blanch three minutes - plunge - drain

now tearing foil

the crinkle of wrapping each ear

the room smells of summer 

fill the ice trays 

everything in the freezer

clean up the kitchen

water running

soap suds have a sound

lather - rinse

stack on the counter to dry

sweep the floor 

survey the now clean kitchen

the quiet aftermath of a summer harvest stored

thinking about how this will be a great december reminder

corn from the freezer

floods memories of a bare foot july day in the kitchen.

craving

i sit on a porch.

crochet hook in hand

yarn playing through my fingers

a rug, i think

a thick yarn - then maybe a terry backing. or muslin - i have lots of that. 

one that i'll put by the kitchen sink

to stand on in bare feet

the texture of promise - strange that phrase

but that is what i feel

the head space i am in

i am moving forward

one tiny slow step at a time

and i am learning about me

i've spent years collecting - (no) accumulating - things

complaining that the silence is deafening

and that silence is

last night i looked at him

he turned his head away

avoiding my gaze

avoiding me

years

hard things have happened

things we can't / won't move past

shared guilt

shared blame

me willing to accept my part

complicated

it kept me awake

counting those danged circles

i reached for a bowl

two eggs

i marvel at the shades of tan in the carton

crack them

scrambled - yes that will work

bowl, fork, eggs, bread, salt

yes - that

that's what i been craving

not more "things"

i crave simplicity

so

i sit on a porch

crochet hook in hand

yarn playing through my fingers

simplicity

beauty

and i think i will be just fine with this simple silence