This one is difficult to write.
Some of it I cannot even explain to myself.
That feeling - the gnawing, pit of your stomach, almost back of your throat closed off, can't breathe, don't want to look, but have to feeling. Got the picture?
I've struggled with things for years. My relationship with my mother. My sister. Losing my Dad to an accident. Anorexia - then being overweight. Trying to make right decisions as a Mom. Planning for blindsiding emergencies. Debt. Loneliness even though I had a husband. Cancer. Debt. Actually you can insert debt at almost every period. And one that has come to mind recently --- being manipulated - controlled (call it whatever the hell you want to).
Anyway - I allowed a lot of it to occur. Because I was scared.
So lets get to some of the things that I faced and took my own control of.
My mama and I have formed (and continue to form) a strong, accepting, loving relationship. (I have NOT sent my Sister the "she's your mother today" text in a LONG LONG time)
My sister and I sent one another today's sunrise - a sign that we are closer than ever before. This is a good thing.
I'll always miss my Daddy and that's ok.
Anorexia - I still fear it. Being overweight - I still fight it. But in healthier ways today.
Parenting - those girls are great young ladies. I still hope I did some things right. And I pray so hard that they understand and accept that I made EVERY decision out of love for them.
Blindsiding emergencies - it freaking sucks in every way to find out that the property taxes have not been paid. It is so very embarrassing to talk to debt collectors to work out a plan for paying them. It is horrid to have to get permission from the person responsible for those collection calls in order to work out the payment plan --- yes - I paid off debt incurred in his name after collection call after call --- the lady I worked with was really good to me though. And trying to plan for those kinds of things was awful.
Loneliness - let's just say - I cried a LOT of tears in the shower so nobody knew.
Cancer - read through the archives - that journey is WELL documented.
Debt - can you say it again - let's address round two of that. Asked for 20.00/week to help with saving for the blind siding - that was NEVER important. I repeat NEVER. Unless I cried, cussed, stomped, bitched, threatened, whatever! - then there was cooperation with some of the requests for a short period of time. Find out that pawning items to pay bills was a method to use instead of opening communication and working together towards solutions - can you say "hiding" the symptoms of the issue. Only recently have the records been coming into the house - before they were either tossed or kept at work so I had no easy way to check things.
Now lest you think this is some HOLIER THAN THOU RANT - let me say - I have over extended myself, wasted much money trying to fill voids in my soul, and, after many years of beating my head against the wall, did my own share of hiding things. I take full responsibility for my part in the failures and the hell that became part of that. I have screwed up royally. I am also trying like hell to fix that. And I have been successful in a lot of ways.
That was a whole lot of venting to get to the real issue I am working through right now.
Being CONTROLLED AND/OR MANIPULATED
I am basically a pleaser. I just want things to run smooth without conflict. I am learning more about this tendency every single day. I also come across as brazen and bold and confident and outspoken. Just about as far from easily controlled as you can get.
The following phrase was thrown at me and then came up in a conversation recently -
I NEVER TRIED TO CONTROL YOU. I LET YOU DO WHAT YOU WANTED.
Well ..... maybe that is what you thought .... or maybe what you want to believe about yourself.
Here is my analysis of myself (and certain disfunctional relationships- plural is important - this is NOT all about you - there are lots of them)
Go back to that "pleaser" word. I know this about myself and have confessed that to several people who either through passive aggressive intentional means - or just had no idea I took it this way, make feel like you tried to control me.
You're a big girl, you can decide. (then in turn add - but if it were me, this is what I think)
I am a pleaser, I want no conflict, so your way wins.
I don't care what we eat, you decide. (then I decide and you twist up your nose and I rethink and try to get that look off your face)
I am a pleaser, I will work at a decision until you look like you agree.
Me - I would really like to go sit somewhere and eat (then you say, what would people think)
I'm a pleaser, and you pick up lunch and we do that your way too.
Me - what the hell happened with my painter? (then you say "I told him I didn't know how we were going to pay him. then you say, I'll get the damned house painted)
I'm a pleaser, that was a long time ago. That damned bakery at commerce got painted, staffed, and is
now closed. I am still waiting. Your way wins again.
Wear your hair anyway you like (then you say - women past a certain age shouldn't wear long hair, it makes them look older)
I'm a pleaser, so I kept it short. You win.
I can go on and on.
Then something happened ---- cancer first ----- then a friendship
And I am forced into doing something I am not accustomed to doing ----- making real decisions for myself and for the partnership.
A relationship that didn't feel that way -------
One who says "what cha want to eat?" and then refuses to let me get by with "it don't matter". One who says "I picked yesterday" - One who laughs because the first one I list is where we eat, because it was first on the list and I was just going logistically down the street. So I no longer do it that way. I literally pick what I want. Then sometimes I get to try something new and different because they pick too.
Me - what do you think about this? "I think it is your decision" - then nothing else no I think, I would, you should.
Me - been years since I had a long gun in my hands. "it doesn't matter if you hunt or not, you pick. sit by the fire, nap, whatever - its about relaxing and enjoying yourself"
Then there is the conflict resolution part. that is a totally separate post material.
This all is SO very uncomfortable for that "pleaser" part of me. But then, the parts of me that know the manipulation is a problem, I start to understand what healthy feels like. What forward progress looks like. What FINALLY paying off that loan I have had for so long feels like. What working alongside feels like. What standing beside someone during loss feels like. What making sure we are "on-time" for family viewing is about. What breaking into a house and moving the furniture feels like. (not theft - Melissa needed it done).
What visiting an old friend in the nursing home before it gets too late feels like. What jumping up, throwing on shoes with my pajamas and chasing a sunrise feels like. What moving feels like.
Yes - I know - some of my decisions have been wrong. Some of them that have been so right for me are hurtful to others. Some of them cause people to shake their heads in disgust and or awe. But the thing is, they are my decisions (mistakes too) and I am not sorry for making most of them.
and if you do not understand me then here is my explanation for that.
However, I am obligated to take care of myself.
And that includes ignoring the advice to "do everything you can to save this." Because dammit - it wasn't all my fault - I just wanted everyone to be pleased and I'm sorry I couldn't make that happen.
As for that whole sending invitations to my midlife crisis - I'm getting those ready to mail.
