As 2015 closes ---- a look back

My youngest graduated from college.

She moved to New York.

I am so proud of the young woman she is becoming.

My oldest daughter moved from an apartment into a house.

She had big breakthroughs in her research projects.

She gave credit to the good Lord.

I am so proud of the young woman she is becoming. 

Me. 

I have struggled.

Stopped.

Regrouped.

Stumbled.

Got back up.

Started over.

It has been a tough year.

I took lots of beautiful photographs. 

the one above a favorite.

I made lots of projects (finished a few from the past as well) 

And as difficult a year it has been for me (and a certain Crusty Old Guy),

I continue to proclaim

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

Photo above courtesy of Molly.

I am a survivor. 

Although I no longer wear that necklace 100% of the time. 

Why? Because I no longer have to remind myself anymore. 

I have gained some weight back. 

How? Enjoying the hell out of life beautiful.

Taking the time to eat dinner with friends.

Or solitude by myself. 

But then came the end of year commitment that I made to Molly.

I may have continued some over indulging on eating, but I honored the agreement to run a half marathon for my 50th birthday. 

Hardest thing I have ever done voluntarily.

But I did it. 

I trained.

I was ready.

Cancer scans first though.

Good news - you don't have cancer.

Bad news - there is a blockage in your kidney.

untreated leads to dialysis and ultimately transplant. 

I have no time for that. 

SO 

I scale back my actual  half marathon approach

run it a little slower than planned

still - I finished in under 4 hours (my personal goal) 

and to protect my kidney through the run. I drank extra and was careful about staying as hydrated as possible. 

3:44:27 

one kidney 

cancer survivor twice

facing surgery when this is all over.

makes me pretty badass I think. 

then surgery.

stent placed. 

follow up. 

didn't work

do over

second surgery

another stent

pray this one works.

today finds me recovering from two kidney surgeries in two weeks

hopefully not facing a third. 

I hate anesthesia

I hate pain meds

I hate being a singular kidney person

I didn't ask for this. 

and today finds me realizing that I can hate it all I want to

But I still have to walk this path. 

Because the alternative really sucks

it also finds me re-committing to be as healthy as I possible can. 

I'll be eating better

exercising better

stress relieving better (this is the biggest reason for my weight gain)

the stress affects the adrenal function negatively. 

because life really is beautiful and I got no desire to stop participating in proclaiming that fact. 

And I am sure there are gonna be some really great moments to collect in the coming year. 

So look out 2016 --- Progress is the word --- this one could shake some people's world

My Empty Nest

Abby has gone North.

She now has a Staten Island, NY Address

A New York Drivers License

And a New York voter registration.

I am so very proud of her adventurous step out into the world.

There's Joe - he's part of the reason for this little residence change.

(Someday, I may forgive him for taking here way off up there) 

(Just kidding - he is in the NYPD Academy and will soon be one of New York's Finest Officers - how could you not be proud of the young man) 

Mama has an Abby sized hole in her world.

But then this little guy joined us. 

Elias Charles Felton

August 26, 2015

9lbs 1oz

He's a cutie - don't you think?

I'm spending time strolling, riding, running.

Making my own transitions for this particular time in my life. 

At times my view feels a little bit hazy.

Much like Madison County on a foggy country morning.

And sometimes it feels like I can see beauty for miles.

Sunsets and sunrises.

Still I collect them.

Reminders that God is generous with Grace and Beauty.

There is an occasion critter encounter.

Again reminders that no matter what the circumstance may be, He is there.

Plans for my future are solid.

So here I find myself. 

Mama to two

Mama T to several more

Watching - waiting - knowing.

Empty nest and all. 

And hard working hands gently cradle a sweet one.

(be still my heart)

We pray for him so

This world is so hard now.

And getting harder every moment.

Little Eli - I hope you too, like big Cam, will be able to say 

"Pop is my best friend" 

or

"I was having too much fun with Mama T to miss you mama"

Only forward.

Lots of tidbits and love.

Last week saw me celebrate 5 years. 

I am a survivor. 

And I have put words to something. 

One of those things that I have not found the words to until now. 

(stay tuned, I will share at the end) 

My little girl

Softball Princess

Abby

Graduates from college in May. 

She is looking at graduate school

in NEW JERSEY. 

I cry some every single day. This fact along with some other things I (we) are dealing with have me a stressed out, emotional mess. 

But I am fighting for peace and balance and I NEVER forget to count blessings. 

Her Daddy and I are road tripping with the team and this weekend found us in Greensboro, NC and Danville, VA. 

The above picture is of the windows of the Dan River White Mill. 

I can foresee an art work of some sort based on these colors and patterns in the future.

Can you say "fell in love" 

This is the old Dan River Mill Hydroelectric Building.

I spotted it as we entered on Saturday Night.

Sunday Morning found me traipsing down the side of Hwy 29 taking pictures and enjoying a beautiful morning. 

I met the weekend caretaker, who is supposed to stop photography. It is still a working power plant and therefore falls under terrorism threat protection. He decided I wasn't a terrorist and ended up giving me a great history lesson. 

Our jaunt about the area led us to this site. It is an old pedestrian bridge. At one time it linked the Mill with all those amazing windows and another mill on the opposite side of the river. I wanted a closer look. 

Remember, I have already encroached on a protected site this morning.

I found a gap in that chain link fence - and went trespassing. 

The Man (her Daddy) was not at all about this, but I took the camera, went through the fence, and off I went for a nice little stroll down the river. 

This was my reward. A fantastic shot of the bridge and the mill in the background. I would have explored inside the bridge, but it was too high on the pilings and the ends are closed off. 

I can see making that mill and the bridge into wonderful loft spaces. 

Imagine waking to that wonderful river view every day. 

Keep in mind I am strolling along a trail/gravel/paved path along the river. 

There were these guys joining me. (Eastern River Cooter - I think) 

It was a beautiful morning. 

Clear skies.

Temp in the upper 60's

Low humidity. 

Lots to be thankful for.

Quiet beauty that leaves you room to think.

And I found myself in the "ponder pose" mode. 

What do I want?

What to tell my girls - that I haven't shared already?

What did having cancer teach me? 

Really - very important things - of which my responses could make a difference to me and others.

More turtles and a really pretty babysitting bird. 

So much wildlife in the habitat. 

I walked over a mile down that riverside - then back. 

While The Man waited close to the car. 

As I returned to the gap in the fence, I saw the hillside from a different angle.

Violets covered it - fully in bloom. I had not even noticed these on the way down the hill. 

Stunning what a change in perspective can give you . 

Like realizing that CANCER could have killed you and it didn't and that even the tiniest of details is worth a celebration.

Now a few pictures of the reason we found ourselves in the area. 

The Princess - game face on - focused on the game. 

It's a hit.

Look at those eyes.

I love this girl so freaking much.

When did she become this young adult? 

When did the need for her Mom diminish?

How do I handle this next phase of life?

Pondering?

Still pondering?

And this picture.

Reflecting the amazing, beautiful, successful young woman that she is.

She loves God.

She loves family, friends, herself.

She loves life. 

I love her. 

**********************************************

Now for the answer to the the elusive thing that has been haunting me. 

Causing me to count the circles on the ceiling at times.

The why. The thing that changed things. The what I was looking for. THE what I want my girls to understand. 

The person who will love you, treat you beautifully, cherish you fully, work alongside you to accomplish dreams and goals, help parent your children, grow within the relationship, plan and prepare adequately for you and your children in the future,  and all those other things we have talked about. Well I added the next elusive thing to that list. 

That person needs to publicly and privately beautifully love you, appreciate you, include you,  and

NOT GIVE ONE DAMN WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS.

family dinners

bring you flowers (old jars, buttons, lace) 

include you among friends

be a part of what you enjoy

allow you to be a part of what they enjoy

crawl into that hospital bed and hold you

treat people well

stand up for you

listen and try to fill your needs

realize that your physical needs are important, but are not the only thing there is

teach you

learn from you

because loving someone means being a part of everything you are

and girls ----- you simply MUST do the same thing for them. 

Bought lessons on my part.

And when I was exploring that river trail - alone.

In my heart I knew who should (would) be there.

Still Choosing Love ----

A little over six years ago today, I got a nine line text message on my phone.

I remember so much about this because I was on my way to a small country church. 

It was the same day we buried Irvin Moore,  my Aunt's Brother.

It was also one of the most difficult messages I have ever received. 

My oldest daughter.

Methodist raised, baptised in middle school.

Was choosing to become a member of

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

and she delivered the news by text message. 

I was devastated. 

I cried for two freaking weeks. 

I know - it could have been much more devastating news. 

I cried. 

I held one massive pity party. 

I questioned my parenting (what did I do wrong?)

I prayed.

I talked to her boyfriend's mom (he was Mormon) 

I went to the scripture. 

I talked to my friend Raesha (oh thank you big time for her) (she is Mormon)

I went to the scripture.

I was repeated reminded by that same scripture that God is in control. 

And every day, I chose love. 

Her Dad and I went to her Baptism.

Little sister did not. 

She did not agree with the decision either, and I was not about to MAKE her go.

We did not stay for the party afterwards.

I saw no reason to celebrate.

I was only choosing to love.

It's been six years.

The photo above is from her "RING CEREMONY" 

A gathering to allow her family and friends to be a part of her wedding day. 

To this day, I refer to it as the fake wedding.

I did not get to witness the actual wedding, because I am not Mormon and therefore not allowed in the temple. 

There will be children.

They will be presented (or whatever the faith calls it) in the temple.

I will not be there. I am not Mormon and therefore not allowed in the temple. 

These details hurt.

I will not pretend that they do not. 

But I also know that her decisions could have been much worse. 

And God is in control. 

She is now married. 

A Chemistry Grad Student at UGA

Active in her congregation.

Working.

Saving.

Mommy to two pups.

And still one of the greatest loves of my life. 

I chose love.

Over and over and over and over. 

Because she is my child.

I did not have to understand her decision

I did not have to agree with her decision

I do have to respect her decision. 

And by choosing to LOVE through the transition of that change, 

we set a pattern of choosing love in lots of situations.

And she is still a very active part of my life. 

I could have taken other paths through it.

But I might have lost her being a large everyday part of my life

And that would have been a real tragedy. 

Molly, I Love You. 

I always will. 

Encourage

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds

                                                                      Hebrews 10:24-25

I turned 49 yesterday. Now I am really pushing one of those BIG birthday numbers. 

A while back, I was talking to the oldest piece of my heart, my daughter Molly.

She is a runner ---- a serious runner. 

She also knows her mom struggles through every single step of a cardio workout. 

During this recent moment of insanity (aka conversation), I may have stepped outside my body and committed to training for a half marathon. 

We are going to Cordova, Alaska for my 50th birthday - to compete in the Salmon Run. July 2015 ------ 

See - I told you it was a moment of insanity ----

This morning I cried --- big crocodile tears slid down my cheeks. 

The picture above is my 49th birthday gift. Made by my runner daughter for me. A gift I cannot use ---- YET. See she plans on mounting my bibb and finishers medal on this board. 

A subtle item of encouragement for me ---- that I can do this. That she believes in me. That she will be there to see me cross the finish line. 

Knowing that she believes I can and will accomplish this - well that gives me courage and willpower to move forward on some life changes I need to make. 

I spent years sacrificing for my girls. Pushing them to be better. To apply themselves to whatever task is at hand. Encouraging them to be the absolute best they can be.  I have not one single regret for loving them enough to sacrifice. Now I see them as young adults and our relationships are growing and changing. This is a beautiful, natural, wondrous occurrence.

So now I,  for so long the encourager, get to accept encouragement (and practical advice) from my daughter. 

That realization is what made me cry. 

For now - that 13.1 plaque --- well it will hold a training plan to get her middle aged mom ready for her greatest midlife physical challenge.

HELLO PEOPLE --- THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.

life is beautiful ---- every single day - even those days when you have lost your mind and committed to something CRAZY. 

21

So this little girl

with a heart of gold

turned 21

yes, I now have two adult children

that one above 

she's the baby

the softball princess

funny

sweet

kind

loving

smart

I could go on and on and on

what she really is 

my heart

and on a sweet July evening

that ended with a sunset like this

we celebrated her

there was a public humiliation that included her version of a dance

and a wonderful dinner that included her big sister and hubby 

her dad and myself

and her bestie childhood buddy

that dinner included love 

stories

wit 

loads of laughter

including me completely losing it

you know 

that thing that really is not that funny

but strikes you 

and you 

CAN"T

STOP 

LAUGHING

I laughed until I could not breathe

tears rolled down my cheeks

and yes - I almost peed my pants. 

that laughter was so good for me

has not happened in such a long time with these two monsters

Happy Birthday Softball Princess

I love you

********************************************

that last picture is very telling really.

quotes from last night

"look at my eyebrows, I'm supposed to be a redhead"

"Why did you order so much food"

"you have to love me, but it's easy 'cause I'm cute and funny"

and the quote represented by the picture

"It's ok, I grabbed Abby's butt"

?!?!?! SISTERS!?!?!?

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

Tournament Season ----

Piedmont College - Conference Tournament - April 11-13, 2014 

Here is the run down

Leave after work Thursday.

Arrive in Augusta, Georgia around 7:30pm

Can you say traffic? 

Seems there was "Some Golf Thing" happening. 

FINALLY get through Augusta area - drive a total of 7 hours - arrive at hotel in Rocky Mount, NC

just after 1AM on Friday. 

(the players were tucked in nicely snoozing)

Unload - finally in bed around 2AM

Up at 5AM with the team. 

Mama (all the parents) is tired

First Game. 

Slide into second base. 

Jam thumb to add to an already extensive list of banged up body parts. 

Keep playing.

Lose first game by one run and hit the losers bracket. (damn) 

Play second game and move back toward championship game on Sunday.

Adrenal fatigue much --- my body doesn't handle "good" stress and better than the bad kind.

Spend afternoon in Emergency Room getting hand checked out.

Watch Softball Princess use sarcastic humor to handle the anxiety of the ER visit (got that from her mama)

Watch Softball Princess beg an ER doc for permission to at least run bases. 

Get that permission and back to hotel at which time Mama crashes at the all so early hour of 7PM.

Saturday Morning - Win CLOSE first game. 

Win CLOSE second game. 

More adrenal issues.

Take two more steps towards championship game. 

Sunday Morning - meet that first team again

Coach puts pinch runner on (Softball Princess) late in game

No pressure.

Slide

Slide 

Score. 

Turns out to be the only run and sends LaGrange home.

(and their rude players - the final strikeout being the one who was making fun of some of our players) 

Sorry - side trip down "mommy got a little bit of amusement" lane there. (Karma is a bitch)

Now we have fought back into the championship series. 

Win by one in first of two games against Huntington College. 

Their fans were great people. 

Their players too.

Second Game - for championship

We win by one run on an amazing series of events in the bottom of the last inning. 

LIFE WAS BEAUTIFUL

and 

AT THAT MOMENT IT WAS FUN TOO

now we advance towards Nationals. 

Mom - Abby - Dad

and ONE hard earned trophy. 

Yes we play banged up ----- ALL THE TIME ---- it seems

Winning is wonderful.

And I am a huge believer that sports are really good for kids. 

It is good for discipline - health - self-esteem - and lots of other things. 

But winning is not everything. 

Meet my new friend 

This is Nicholas. 

And Jessica.

And Kim (mom) who is one of the nicest and happiest people I have met through softball.

Nicholas was my sideline buddy for the whole tournament.

He counted for me.

And he cheered harder than any one of the rest of us. 

And he reached for my hand over and over.

And looked me in the eye repeatedly. 

And I learned some of  his language and was able to communicate with him a little.

And he taught me beautiful lessons.

See - I have health issues. 

So does he. 

But he has learned that he can focus on his cards (and counting) and cheering. 

These things - he does them to the best of his ability.

And he is happy.

Trust me - I saw the depth in his bright brown eyes. 

He can't say my name. 

But with his touch and his gaze - he called me friend. 

That my friends is that thing that is bigger than winning. 

LIFE IS AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL

LOOK HARD FOR THE BLESSINGS.

THEY ARE ALL AROUND YOU.

a gift unexpected

Softball Princess is home for a few days. 

I see her Bible in the top of her bag.

With a church bulletin stuck in it, a church near her college campus.

That was a blessing. 

A tiny gift. 

Then last night I asked her about the church. 

About how often she goes. 

Seems she goes regularly. 

Her words

"it's a Baptist church" 

"with contemporary music"

"words on a screen" 

"praise band and such"

"I don't really love it"

??????? - this look from me

"I don't know the songs" 

"Amazing Grace and the Old Rugged Cross - I know those"

"Hymnals - that feels like worship" 

Me - "you should know the words to Amazing Grace and the Old Rugged Cross, 

I sang them as lullabies to you when you were little" 

A smile from my princess

A nod.

Recognition and love in her eyes. 

She said 

"I know - every time I hear them I remember"

That - my friends - was a gift unexpected. 

My name is Mom - I shed tears of deep emotion over that moment.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

23 years ago

I had my heart stolen from me. 

At 4:01 in the afternoon, they handed me this tiny thing with LONG black hair - all her fingers and toes - and the longest eyelashes I think I had ever seen. 

She still has all those long thin fingers and toes. 

Still has that long dark hair. 

And when she closes her eyes, I can still see those long eyelashes, and the tiny thing she was. 

And again I breathe thanksgivings for the blessings of being her mama. 

Oh -- and that heart she stole from me --- she's still got that too.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOLLY!!!!!

I LOVE YOU.

new.....

She is my firstborn. 

First to do everything. 

The one who had to "teach" mama how to be a mama. 

The very essence of my heart. 

She has not given us any significant trouble. 

High school graduate - College Graduate - Now in Grad School.

A young married woman -- learning new every day. 

They started in her teeny tiny apartment.

Yesterday they moved -- bigger - not brand new, but clean and in a good neighborhood. 

Last night found me cleaning the fridge. 

Scrubbing out cabinets and getting ready for shelf paper. 

Looking for tooth brushes and bedding. 

She was all over - bone numbing tired. 

The mama in me wanted to "fix" it. 

The mama in me knew that I shouldn't even try. 

But after last night in her new home, she will go back to work today. 

And I will go after work tonight and see if mama can help any more with this project. 

They plan on staying here for a few years. I think we can take this basic shell and make it quite cute. 

At least there are no MOLD issues like that last place. 

And I'll heed my mama's practice. I'll simply do what I can and try to stay out of the rest. 

I'm proud of her though.