third time's the charm........

Three times today.

I've been here three times today.

I was putting water heaters away at work.

Struggling with a big one.

Splinter in my my finger from the crate. 

I cussed. 

A customer overheard

Said - you need to censor that.

Teasing - he was. 

And I realized.

though it appeared I quit measuring my words. 

Because the hesitation wasn't there.

Truth was.

I measured all the time. 

I was just very well practiced at it. 

And in taking things for granted. 

The tell-tale signs were easily missed. 

Then when all those miscuts

overflowed the room.

And it became evident that the measuring had to be more careful

everything just stalled

And then I really did quit measuring at all. 

That's when it all fell apart. 

Some measuring is needed

For it all to fit right.

So don't tell someone to stop measuring their words and thoughts.

Just learn what the measurements mean.

And work within that plan.

conversations .....

It was an innocent sounding conversation

Like women do when they let their guards down and really talk.

She shared the weight gain. 

And reasons why. 

Not excuses ---- reasons. 

It's about control isn't it? 

Or lack of. 

there is the point where you beat yourself up. 

YOUR OWN LACK OF CONTROL. 

then comes the point where life is out of control 

and you grab onto the one thing you can. 

My issues are with food. 

I blame that for my weight gain. 

Because - if I try to control it - I am afraid of the anorexia. 

But that is an excuse

And "excuses are lies you tell yourself."

NO excuses from me today.

This is going to sound like "Squirrel Shit" 

Random Babbling --- but hey, it's my blog - and I want this written down. 

I am a woman in what most would consider MIDLIFE. 

FYI - I wear my hair too long for my age. 

according to some. 

But I've worn it short too. 

And had feathers. 

And bright red spikes.

(Those went over great with some.

And no so great with others.)

Hair  - its just hair.

Guess what - I am the same person either way.

I've told my girls - it's hair - it grows back. As long as it's clean - wear it anyway you choose.

If you ask some, I should dress differently than I do. 

Putting on new jeans and cowboy boots and calling that dressed is completely ok with me. 

I happen to love my boots. 

I really love my red ones.

And I really am saving for some Old Gringos

I do however hate to pull at my clothes

I have control over that.

I can wear comfy. 

And I can work towards making the ones I already own fit better

Next thing I've told my girls.

Don't dress slutty - you know cut down to here and up to there and then expect men to treat you with respect.  

Control. 

Go ahead - try to control others. 

Won't work.

Only one you can control. 

Is yourself.

Judging is a form of trying to control.

You could.

You should. 

He should.

She should.

Why did you?

Why didn't you? 

Don't you think that's inappropriate?

You really need to do that "THIS" way.

(Interpret "THIS" as "MY")

Go ahead - try to control others.

You may even have that idea hidden from yourself.

Call it loving correction.

Call it opinion.

Call it what ever.

They will balk.

They may even walk.

I know --- it happened to me.

Now I know - the ONLY one I can control

IS ME!!!

never far

That's Rusty. 

Bucket Boy.

He's my dog. 

That's my leg. 

My work stool in the studio.

If I am where he can get to me, he is never very far. 

I bring him in - off his run - and we snuggle and rough house and tumble and treat. 

After that, mama has to work. 

He settles down - always close by.

Ever aware of my moving around. 

Not knowing exactly what I'm doing. 

Content to be near. 

Listening for my voice to include or instruct him. 

And as quickly as he hears me. 

There he is.

Tail wagging.

Ready to GO. 

Hmmmmmmm - I'm studying Samuel with my little kids. 

Is this a good illustration for the verse? 

"Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening." 

1 Samuel 3:9

And so He speaks to me. 

Now I Understand

Saturday.

I spent it mostly in the quiet. 

Alone in the studio --- working.

Really - I promise. 

Not even the radio for company distraction. 

It was me,

My stuff.

And my thoughts. 

And I realized something. 

I AM QUITE COMFORTABLE ALONE LIKE THAT. 

I worked - I puttered - I accomplished

I thought about life - love - being a mom to grown children. 

About everything and nothing.

I was relaxed - happy

Ended the day with my spirit and soul re-energized. 

I would migrate to the door in the beautiful early fall sunshine and 

BASK. 

I had a conversation with a friend in which I asked "what cha doing"

answered by "BASKING IN THE SUN."

And then I thought about my Daddy. 

He was so excited by hunting season every year. 

Up early - go to the woods - sit in a tree.

He would come home relaxed - happy

Deer on the back of the truck or not.

It was his way of being comfortable alone like that. 

I'm betting if he had been in the woods on Saturday

He would have BASKED in the sun too. 

Me - now I get it. 

The man - well he sat in the house - in the dark - with the clicker. 

and a beer.

and that makes me really sad for him. 

I bet he's never used the word 

BASK. 

Home ------

 your home can become a powerful catalyst for your dreams. When we stir up the energy that's floating around in your home and show you how to invite more of the good stuff in, you'll start to see beautiful change reflected back to you.  
                                                                                                                                               from the FaeSoul blog


I have always said my home was "Lived in"

But reality is - my house is FULL of crap I no longer need. 

And if I'm honest with myself --- stuff I never needed. 

And if I'm even more honest - Stuff I never really even wanted - but gathered to fill some empty hole in me soul. 

Then there is stuff I was given and felt guilty about giving away or selling. 

NOW ------ ALL THAT SHIT  stuff is just overwhelming. 

Also - when I come home there is darkness. AND there is silence. 

So my home is dark and silent and overwhelming. And lots of times I want to  avoid being there.

There - I said it. 

Now ---- time to fix it. 

I have been decluttering slowly for many years - much like paying off debt. 

It's time to start doing this differently. 

So - I'm really hoping that my stuff is just what some people are looking for. 

Look out OCTOBER 19 

Yard sale at Jones Chapel UMC Family life Center.

I'm bringing a dang trailer load. 

happy

Twice in the last week I've heard it.

"You look happy"

One friend even commented "I'll never forget seeing you walk in Subway and I thought to myself that's what a happy Teresa looks like." 

There is a reason for that. 

I am. 

I chased the sunset

It rained Saturday. 

We needed the rain. 

I sat on my porch swing and finished a baby blanket. 

After that I had the urge to clean. 

I decided to take a nap and see if the urge passed.

It did. 

Later, close to the sunset hour, I was propped on my bed chatting on the phone. 

I suddenly realize that the sky was vibrantly colored and that it had the makings for a beautiful sunset. 

So out the door I went. 

Bare feet - wet grass - in complete awe of what beauty this moment held.

This was at the road in front of my big barn.

Still on the phone, I tried to describe it. 

Words failed me. 

It looked like the sky was on fire was about the only thing I could say. 

But look at the glow on the still wet pavement. 

I watched for a few minutes after I got off the phone. 

Then I did something really out of the ordinary for me. 

I CHASED THE SUNSET.

I ran back in the house - grabbed a pair of flip flops (southern thing) and my keys.

I drove to the corner where the little store building is. 

Again look at the glow in the puddles. 

Headed west towards town - where I pulled over and watched. 

One man stopped to see if I was ok. 

I really meant it when I said YES 

and pointed - then said "just look" 

The MAN - he though I was nuts. 

Then I turned right and headed to the church - safe parking there to just watch. 

As the colors of the night crept in. 

Just look at it. 

Majesty - worship His majesty. 

Chasing the sunset. 

It left me giddy.

Breathless.

Full of JOY

Let me re state that

FULL OF JOY 

and wonder

and awe.

It felt childlike.

It felt worshipful.

It felt full of grace.

It felt beautiful.

I chased the sunset.

It was good for me. 

I praised God. 

I fell in love with life again.

And the person I was on the phone with. 

They didn't think I was crazy. 

Note - this was God's glory - I did NO editing to these pictures at all. 

Edit - to add ---- yesterday would have been my daddy's birthday. today is the anniversary of his death 33 years ago. But for the first time ever, I am simply celebrating his life and love, I am finally at peace with what happened, who I am today, and where I am on this journey called living. I think he may just be smiling down at me.