my name is Mama

Warning --- this could easily be one of those trigger type of posts. 

see those two up there. 

my girls. 

My beautiful girls

Here is the trigger part 

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

THEY ARE MY HEART

but 

I AM NOT THEIR BEST FRIEND.

and I do not think that parents need to be the best friend of their children.

we need to be PARENTS

Parents teach.

(doing it for them does not teach)

Parents discipline.

(discipline sometimes means a spanking)

Parents do not allow rudeness

(towards anyone)

Parents do not allow a feeling of entitlement

(nobody "OWES" you anything "just because")

Parents do allow consequences to play out

(you cannot pay them our of everything)

Parents give them unconditional love.

(yes even in the midst of the consequences that are happening) 

Parents let them go.

(the hardest thing to ever do)

Parents swell with pride when they make good choices.

(Mine have made some wonderful ones)

Parents celebrate victories

(had bunches of these too)

Parents cry over failures

(had some of them)

Parents hide those fears and watch carefully

(just in case)

Parents answer the phone

(and listen and celebrate and cry and and and)

Parents prepare for nightmares

(financial and otherwise)

(not being prepared will bite you)

Parents breathe thanksgivings when the nightmares don't occur.

(been there done that)

Parents show them God.

(not just tell them about Him)

Parents pray

(and pray and pray and pray)

Parents do NOT need to be best friends with the children

(they need those friends away from you) 

I have those two up there. 

Both adults.

We are slowly becoming friends. 

But mind you ---- I am not their best friend.

Not now.

Not ever. 

We may become really GOOD (even GREAT) friends.

and that would be a celebration thing.

Here's the truth.

I am Mama now

I will always be Mama.

I am proud that I am their Mama. 

I watch other parents and see them try to be best friends.

And in my mind - I always think - when is that child going to learn to wash her own clothes?

be still my heart......

She's 20. He's 8. 

My daughter. Crusty Old Guy's Grandson. 

He wanted to hang with Miss T at the art market and, of course, Miss T was completely ok with that.

He's easy to have around. 

And My spot for the market was his favorite.

Right under the VERY easy to climb crepe myrtle tree. 

Took him seconds to be headed up that tree. 

Oh and he happens to LOVE Abby. 

Her caption from the instagram post  above was 

"He shared his candy cane and we became best friends"

She's a beautiful young adult.

But still has the playful heart of a child. 

So when he climbed that tree. 

She simply climbed on up too. 

And we all laughed and smiled and teased one another. 

And simply had a beautiful time. 

My life is so freaking FULL of absolutely beautiful moments. 

And now I take the time to absorb them. 

To really LIVE them.

AND be THANKFUL for them.

Then try so hard to record them. 

See - the recording is important. 

We are quite human. 

We will forget.

Unless we give ourselves the means to remember. 

So here - I've recorded a beautiful three hours. 

of people who love one another. 

and how they laughed and played and built memories. 

on a damp cold day in November 2013. 

and in these moments we ALL were really 

LIVING AND LOVING. 

and that 

my friends

is a beautiful thing. 

CRITICAL

Unedited.

Right off my phone. 

The baby is absolutely wonderful.

She is my nephew, Tyler's little one. 

RhileyAnne. 

Happy, easygoing, alert, just beautiful. 

Goodness, how I love littles.

I could not wait to get my hands on her. 

to coo, and tickle, and listen to her little baby squeak noises. 

then i look at the picture 

AND

There is Mama T. 

at first the little voices said.

look at the chinS. 

look at ALL that grey.

Wrinkles ---check those out too. 

Oh and those reading glasses - perched on my head so I can keep up with them.

Why the crap do we do this to ourselves? 

Why do we zoom in on the stuff we see as negative?

Why do we measure ourselves again some unrealistic something? 

So I tried to look again -

This time with eyes that were a little more gentle with the interpretation of details.

And I was able to see. 

A thick thick head of hair that I love being long enough to pull up when I can run. 

or can feel a loved one get a hand in (Rhiley did just that - holding onto a tendril as we snuggled up - and that is a wonderful feeling)

Eyes lit up as I gazed into her eyes. 

Wrinkles forming little laugh line grooves. (laughter is so good for the soul)

Look how I am smiling. Genuine. Open. Honest. 

And that tiny hand on my face. 

When I think about that, I can still feel it. 

I've seen people who post a lot of "selfies"

Often those people make me feel like "hey check me out, I look so good" 

I don't feel that about myself at all.

But I am learning to tell my critical eye to look again.

To see that I really am very happy. 

And in my mind.

I'm making peace with the image on the screen.

This is something we ALL need to do.

Like that person in the picture

and in the mirror. 

Sound in if you like --- but only about how you are silencing the critical voice that says you're not good, pretty, thin, muscular, ------------enough. 

tell me how you are happy with the image in the mirror or on the screen. 

Blessing lists

I keep a list of gratitudes.

You know what.

It's wrong to keep blessings a secret.

No matter what the reasons are.

God cannot be magnified if his blessings are "hidden under a bushel"

Just a few thoughts that occurred while I was reflecting tonight.

I've made serious mistakes in my life. Yet God chooses to continue raining down goodness and beauty in my life. I'll celebrate even the tiniest of things to be grateful for.

Things like this - he sent me a spider web glistening in the sun.

It is a beautiful thing.

note -----

recognizing who I am is one thing

walking in and helping me be a better me - well that makes all the difference in the world

it really is all about positive enabling

working together

not worrying about how to make something happen

nor giving advice about it

not even throwing money at it

but actually laboring side by side to figure it all out

this year has been a very productive year

a happy DO year

So close --- just so close 

Hang in there - gonna be ok.

Unsettled

The Pictures have very little to do with the post - I just love the flowers on my desk each week. 

A little bit of natural beauty and cheer. 

Hard frosts to come this week, there may not be any more after these for a while. 

A conversation I had this weekend has left me a little unsettled. 

 Strange actually - the conversation was not ugly.

But it left me with this feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

That has carried on for a couple of days now. 

I expressed myself clearly. 

No anger. No hurt. No ugly. 

(I thought) 

The response was full of all three. 

Then came the justification for the response being negative.

Then came the character judgement of me being honest and clear.

Then came the "why the hell are you acting like this?" slung back at me.

I simply walked away. 

Not from the confrontation.

But from the need to confront.

From the need to explain.

From the need to justify.

From the need to make myself heard. 

From the need to be acceptable.

Publicly and privately. 

I walked away from negative energy

I walked away from stress.

And I think I'll keep walking.

Because the beauty of my life is that I have been given

Another chance

Another look

Another gift

Another inspiration

And ---- yes ---- there are those flowers on my desk. 

real ...

We sat.
Facing each other.
Food between us.

It was a public place,
But we were a bit isolated

No one really all that close by.

I left my phone in the car.
The other making text and other notification sounds
Was ignored.

The very thing that happened was special.
Intimate even.
To a level of discomfort almost.

See.

In that place.
In those moments.

We looked at each other.

And.

We
.
.
.
.
talked.

I don't know what to say to her.......

This past Monday I was told that I have breast cancer. I see a surgeon on Tuesday and will know more after my meeting with him. I NEED prayer. I need all my family, friends, churches and facebook family praying for me. I am believing God for a healing, if he chooses doctors and surgery to do that, then so be it. I don't know why I am walking through this trial but I know that God is walking through it with me. I will keep you updated and we all will see Gods mighty hand through this.
God bless you all and keep me in your prayers.

The above is part of a Facebook post from my news feed this morning. 

A friend who was closer to me years ago has been diagnosed. Time - life - distance - all those things add up to growing apart. And yet - reading those those words - I immediately burst into tears. 

I KNOW what those words do to you. What they can do to your loved ones. What they can mean to moving forward when you suddenly become frozen in fear. 

You want people to tell you everything will be ok - 

You want someone to give you the RIGHT course thru this path - 

You want (need) someone by your side who will help you - 

Oh - but you are scared to say that -

It makes people uncomfortable to see you need this -

And you cry in the shower - 

And you argue with God -

And you try to juggle all the information they are tossing at you -

And your brain wants to shut down -

And you want to scream --- Hell no, not me, I do not have the time, energy, money, for this

Oh but it's real - and scary - and sad - and heartbreaking -

But he made it through and she made it through - 

And you want them to tell you that you will make it too - 

But - and - or -  uhm - 

And see I know all of this - and I do not know what to say to her. 

Because reality - EVERY SINGLE CASE IS DIFFERENT
Your best bet is to listen and learn and make educated decisions
And each person has to make these as individual decisions. 
And NO ONE has the right to tell you the decision you just made or you made last week or last year was the wrong one. 
This is your life - your body - your health - your decisions
And this person will say "do this" and another person with say "do that" and another will say "don't" and then there are those who will say "what? why? are you crazy?" 
They have no business in the decisions. 

I  know - I've been there.

I do not know what to say to her - so I went with the safe response - 

I'm praying for you - and I immediately started - and I will keep continuing to do so - and if there is one part of this I do KNOW FOR SURE - prayer works. 

And about those decisions - I've cleared the hurdles - jumped through the hoops - crawled out of the tunnel - and it would seem 

The one decision I made - on this side of all that - the decision I personally feel the best about - is the one that that says 

I'm living beautifully 
I'm living happily
I'm living healthy
I'm living fully 
And I am loving every minute of it. 

Flowers on my desk included ----