lessons

I'm approaching my 49th birthday. July.

There are things that I wish I had known at 19 - 29 - 39 --- hell there are things I wish I had known yesterday.

This blog is my personal blog - yet I have decided not to make it private. Why? Because dammit - there are people who want to know some of these things - but they are too afraid to ask me.

But along with that reality --- some of those same people want to manipulate me. Ridicule me. Judge me.

And then there are those --- the ones I thought were friends and allies. Those who I've shared with --- thinking my soul was safe there. The ones I thought it would be safe to share weaknesses and fears with. And then, using that knowledge, almost destroyed me.

Yesterday - I found myself across a desk - sharing some of my biggest "bought lessons" with someone I barely know.  I also shared strength, weakness, fear, doubt and so many other things.

And as I read through those words above, I see that this is sounding like another one of those "somebody done somebody wrong" songs.

BUT IS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE ---

Why? Because dammit --- those words are about my past. And today is not my past. Today is today. I have learned through the "broken road" I traveled. I do not want to forget the past. I want it to be like the view in my car's rear view mirrors. Behind me. I'm headed forward. I'm in the right lane. I'm on the right road. And I have NO IDEA what the destination looks like.  But the passengers I've chosen to share this with, well, they are not looking for my experience on this journey. They are looking for their own. And the stories we share - or tell each other about - we can celebrate as just that - our stories.

So from my psychologist friend - I garnered this tidbit. I do not want to live in the past. I just want to live in the moment. If you want to be a part of my moment - then by golly - jump on in here. But if you want to control my moment in any kind of negative way - then get on out of the car.

I'm agonizing over attire for an upcoming event. Her advice - wear the damned blue outfit and hope that someone sees it now and says "that attracts the wrong kind of attention". Then you can say --- I'll decide if its wrong.

I've been asked to take a role in a group that I have NO DESIRE to take. But because I would be good at it - and there is a desperate need for a person like myself - I am feeling pressured to take it. Another bit of advice - the word NO needs to exist in your vocabulary - because taking this and being resentful that you took it are detrimental to effective use of your life.

Then there was this opportunity to compete for a position on a design team. Why was I so terrified to do that? With the encouragement of a friend - one who refuses to let me be down on myself - and who certainly refuses to negatively influence my moments - I sent my email and pictures. Here I am - one of the current design team members for GLOBECRAFT AND PICCOLO. And I am having the time of my life.

Last night we had choir practice. Talking to a friend about something very complicated, I blurted out - "you never try to manipulate me into someone you want me to be." The response "well that would just be stupid to try and do."

I'm approaching 49 ---- I've survived a lot ---- I've a lot more to trek through. I am so very happy in recognizing my beautiful life for what it is right now. Right here. Just where I am.

Don't be mistaken ---- it's messy some days. It's kinda frustrating and challenging and even ugly some days. Some days are amazing in their grandeur. And others are what you might call underwhelming. But IT's MY LIFE and I am LIVING ON A PRAYER.

And dammit - you don't have "HOPE YOU DANCE" -- by golly stand back and watch ----- I really dont wanna PUT ON MY BOOGIE SHOES. Got them suckers on already ----

Here is MY LETTER TO MYSELF ---

live it
be it
love it
you are gonna be OK!!!