This is hard ........

A friend said something that hurt me so bad. 

About wearing my survivor necklace. 

We were arguing and the words were flung at me in a hateful tone.

"and you wear that necklace" 

and at that moment with huge, hot, angry, hurt, tears

I wrapped my fist around it and ripped it off my neck.

I even cut myself doing it. 

The pain from the cut was a welcome distraction from the pain in my soul.

Relax - this is not a post about the hurt.

The back story was needed. 

Because - that friend in that moment was RIGHT.

I was frozen in fear.

I was frozen in the past. 

I was holding a serious issue with the long term effects that cancer left me with. 

My life was adding complications to these effects.

And I was holding onto some intangible something that I needed to let go of.

The next few weeks after that discussion were awful. 

Destructive moments followed each other in a whirlwind of horrible fallout. 

Many of them (Most of them) self inflicted. 

Talk about choices.

The kinds of destruction that caused me to crave a really big drink then buy something I absolutely did not need and run away and undo so much of the progress I had made physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. 

Then another friend - one who has had cancer - called me. 

She actually gave me the necklace. 

She spoke to me calmly and rationally.

She knows that cancer unscrews your head even if you think you're fine. 

And mine was not only loose.

At times it was laying on the ground beside me.

So I took me a little side trip.

Cancelled anything that felt negative - or hurtful.

Walked away from conflict.

Refused to participate in drama.

And retreated to the silence that includes a clicker and a beer.

I didn't drink. (much)

I didn't over buy to fill that gaping hole.

I didn't stop working out.

I didn't stop paying bills and planning for the future.

I did chase sunrises.

And sunsets.

I listened to the sounds of the forest in the fall.

I listened to the quiet of the snow.

I listened to the quiet of my studio alone.

I sang in private and in public.

I watched the moon rise and fall.

I counted blessings.

I helped a dear friend move many miles away from me.

I made things.

I cleared things.

I sold things.

I took extra care of me.

I poured me out again and again to God.

I looked for (prayed for) signs along my path - and got them. 

God - it was hard.

God - there were tears.

I know there has been hurt for how things played out. 

For that part - I am so very sorry. 

I'm still working through so so much. 

Maybe always will be. 

In those hard moments last summer, I chose.

I chose to look for me. 

The real me.

Not the one ANYONE else thought I should be.

And this path still feels quite right for me. 

Now - if you are still with me (I don't blame you if you left0 

let me encourage you to get out of your own way. 

Pour yourself out to God over and over again. 

Ask for your path to become clear. 

Walk away from negative and towards the better of the future.

Expect it to be hard.

Expect tears. 

Expect surprises. 

Then look for the peace and happiness that you deserve. 

And know that I'm praying for all that for you as well as for me. 

Now I can say ---- I am a survivor.

Of a hell of a lot more than just cancer.

SCREAM IT OUT LOUD 

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL