God - how often I cried

i cried.

in the shower

so no one would know

I dealt with the guilt

can you imagine?

guilt

i thought it was ALL my fault

if that scar wasn't there - he would still touch me

if I was smaller - thinner - less wrinkled - less grey - younger - prettier

(why do we do this to ourselves)

I bravely dealt with paying off this 

paying off that

when i wasn't crying

i begged

please reach for me

and lying in a hospital bed saying "come lay here with me" 

only to hear "Im okay in this chair"

sarcasm - I have used that weapon so often it is second nature

then let's toss in there

buying this and that - looking for the next "THING" to fill that empty as hell place in my soul

hearing a friend say "you have to do everything you can to keep it together, for your girls" 

and taking that advice to heart

oh God the damned silence

here's the reality 

I am guilty too

But last night - everyone in the bed.

me slipping into the darkness of a warm, humid evening. 

i realized what I would tell those girls

and that is to fight for goodness

work for happiness

pray forgiveness

always understand that loving someone 

is not the same as accepting the behavior

and that you absolutely MUST grow some every single day. 

I screwed up some things royally

God knows - how often that made me cry.