The last time I was here was July.
Lots has happened since then.
And I got side tracked from this space.
But that is life.
So it's time again to pour out.
I'm still downsizing things.
Throwing away.
Using.
Giving away.
Finding ways to effectively store.
Learning more about who I am.
Why I am this way.
Why I really needed to make changes.
And I look for beauty every moment of everyday.
Because you cannot have a lovely silhouette without seeing darkness.....
think about that for a minute.
From the darkness in my life, rise moments of beauty and let me tell you, I search for that beauty.
Like below.
But every now and then you get stuck.
Focusing on the negative "prickly" parts of living.
And that is how it happens.
I get side tracked.
So then I have to rework my focus again.
My house is a mess.
This fact is a disappointment to my children.
OH GOD HOW I HATE THAT THEIR MOTHER IS A DISAPPOINTMENT.
I am so sorry girls.
I'm trying and failing and trying and failing.
over and over and over
And then I get focused on that and then I don't like myself and then I get all overwhelmed and regretful and then and then and then.
See I got focused on the prickly bits.
the hurtful and the those cobwebby things that try and hold us all back or get in the way of progressing forward.
Like that picture below.
If we all could only step back and look at the bigger parts.
Yes, I need to keep the laundry folded.
But I would rather you see me making a special gift for someone.
Yes, the Christmas decorating needs to happen.
But first I have to clear the surfaces of crap in order to make the room.
I promise I'll get there.
But I beg your patience as I work through the emotional entangled mess that stuff has over me.
And please reassure me that the progress is appreciated and not just expected.
I really think that is a large part of many issues.
We just don't take time to appreciate.
I promise one day, you will want to talk to me.
Having faced the cancer demon and almost losing that battle, I sure hope it won't be too late.
Until then, I'll be searching for moments that make my heart grateful for the new day.
See that sunrise below -- another chance to get it right.
Clarity comes in unexpected moments.
I failed in many ways
But then there is that moment when reality says.
LOVE WILL WIN.
That clarity that says we all will survive.
And if we each pay attention and live fully in each moment, we will not only survive, we will thrive.
And by thriving among all the chaos, we will be able to stand taller that before and be an inspiration to others.
And again the stark darkness will be seen as beautiful when it is surrounded by the light.
Then there are those moments that are just beautiful.
Nothing is complicated.
Very little stress surrounding them.
Just simple, graceful, beautiful moments.
For 2017, those are the ones I am going to attempt to collect.
I am sure there will be opportunity to deal with negative and stressful and complex and difficult.
But I am really going to try hard to see those lovely ones instead.
Of course folding the laundry might just give me a better view.
Long range plans are being made.
These plans will make a difference in all our lives, once we all get over the initial shocks of change.
Just look way out there --- beyond the mundane and see the glory ----
I know this all come about jumbled and cryptic.
Because I feel that way right now myself.
But I am tired of shortchanging me and trying to make everyone happy and seeing nothing but silence, disappointment, and frustration from those in my home.
Out here - I am different --- out here - I can breathe.
and this last photo has a seriously funny story.
Returning from deer camp in the early morning light.
I look to the right and see that glow on the rails.
I want that photo.
I want to capture this moment.
I want a way to remember how I feel - right now.
so.
I pull over - shut the car off - grab the camera and walk back to the tracks.
I know I am safe because I will hear a train coming or feel the vibration in plenty of time.
So I meander onto the tracks.
Kneel carefully on a cross tie.
and proceed to focus my attention though the camera lens.
Just a few moments later, I see flashing blue lights in my peripheral vision.
Looking over my shoulder, I see the young officer carefully approaching me.
"is everything okay ma'am"
Yes sir, I'm taking photos of the sunrise in the bend up there.
The relief flooded his face.
He was not going to have to drag a nut case - waiting for the train - from the tracks today.
I processed in my mind what he saw when he approached the crossing, and fully understood his concern.
Kneeling woman, looked to be in prayer (he couldn't see the camera from his angle), patiently waiting for the train.
My response.
Yes sir, I am a little crazy, but I am not MENTAL.
So yes, this photo has the ability to take me right back to that moment of hysterical laughter.
