thoughts - randomized

I steal from the bed in the wee hours of the morning. 2:55 AM to be precise. Pillow in hand, because I know there will be no returning here. Not before that dang alarm announces the beginning of yet another day. At least I have discovered that there is no use in counting those damned circles again.

I fixed half a sandwich - almond butter and white bread - and wish it was peanut butter. Damned eating issues that accentuate the adrenal fatigue. An everyday reminder that cancer changed EVERY THING. But why can't I say out loud that it didn't change me as much as it made me want change. I want better. I want to live fully. I ache for it.

It's different to do something because "she says she likes it" and doing something because "I get why it's important to her". The action is ok - but the understanding - the "getting it" is the part that touches the soul. And that requires opening up into full, vulnerable, scary, heart wrenching, things. Oh and how about "damn that's cool - I really want to share this with her" because she will understand why it's important to me.

The light is changing and there are hints of fall in the air. Fall is my favorite time of the year. The colors. The prepping for a season of more cozy activity. My plans include Grateful Hope. and making blankets --- Making - it's a significant part of who I am.

I really want to see the bear. There is a bear on the trail cameras at Crusty Old Guy's hunting club property. I just think it would be cool to arm myself with a camera and watch and photo him in that completely natural habitat. Slowing down and observing - that's part of who I am too.

I'm eating much better again. I see changes in my shape when I look in the mirror. Most notable - I have a bit of a waistline curve on the right - and no one bit of muscle tone on the left. Another daily reminder learning that we are not guaranteed tomorrow.

About Grateful Hope --- I have to confess that, for a short time, I stopped counting MY blessings. Me, I'm building a retreat around the whole concept, and I stopped counting. And it mattered. I forgot some of the lessons I was learning - and that leaves me at a disadvantage. And I have fixed it ---- counting again --- 1, 2, 3.

Last night at choir - there was that moment - when the harmony is all blended - and the angel choir sings too - and I realized that every one's part in this might be different but when all those differents align "just right" the result is amazing.

Speaking of choir --- right after the Grateful Hope Gathering, I get to start on the angel costume and staging items for the Christmas Cantata. Simple. Natural. Greenery. White Lights. Candles. Using repurposed items for part of the decor. This is also a huge part of who I am.

See I told you in the title --- thoughts - randomized.

Life is freaking beautiful.