SIMPLE ENOUGH

mE

yES IT's aLL mIxEd uP -----

tHAT's bECAuse i aM.

so IN tHe nAMe Of SCRewINg mY hEad bACK on  -----

LET'S just SAY outloud.


Who I am in the core of my being will win.

It may be hard for me. And it may be hard for those around me. But in the end, it will be better for everyone.

Here are the things I KNOW FOR SURE.

I love to make things.

I love my MAMA

I love my GIRLS

I have been fortunate to have had TWO LONG TIME BEST FRIENDS.

I am sorry that I have hurt people. Some by accident and some by choices I made.

I am very proud of who my girls are .

I am good at my job.

I love little people.

I AM THOUGHTFUL - I AM CARING - I AM STRUGGLING .

I made decisions some times that simply made me feel good at the time.

Guess what --- I'll probably do that again.

I had unrealistic expectations (still do at times)

I have some very real ones too.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. What that means is still being discovered.

I will continue to try to define me. Every single day.

 part is paying attention to details --- the things that make my heart sing. And surrounding myself with people who try to sing along or add to the melody with their wonderful harmony.

I don't expect them to fully share my passions and pursuits, just to remember that I have them and then figure out a way to include themselves actively in them. I'll do the same with theirs.

What I want.....

I want people at my house --- to visit -- to play --- to support or be supported. I want people around who see that growing your circle through changing times is better than allowing it to slowly diminish.

I want to wade in the creek. Traipse through the woods. Catch butterflies. And fireflies. To laugh at the stupid stuff that happens. I want cookouts and children laughing and adults watching and sharing.

I want to play Billy Goats Gruff with kids trip-trapping over a table turned into an imaginary bridge.

I want to have people around who, when hearing "I really need to get all that stuff down and wash it", simply get a ladder and start taking it to the sink. By jumping in there - they keep me from procrastinating. My mama is one of those. But then she is ALL ABOUT SOME PLAYTIME too.

I set about this year with my word being "DO"

I have successfully DONE lots of things. And there will be more.

I'm finding my groove. I'm finding me.  And ME -- is thoughtful -- is not frozen any longer -- seems my soul may have known that some things had to change --- and that same soul knew what it wasn't ready to change.

Moving forward --- not ready to give up.

The darkness is beautiful........

Sunday afternoon rides in the mountains.

My Daddy loved them.

It was a family in the car event.

There were givens.

Daddy drove.

Mama at shotgun.

Tracey and me in the back seat. Or at times on the back of the truck. 

(I am still a country girl at heart.)

At some point Daddy would say "STOP KICKING THE SEAT"

And he would say "I'LL GIVE YOU A QUARTER FOR THAT PIECE OF GUM"

(smacking gum grated on his nerves) 

And if we happened up on a tunnel - there was ALWAYS - yelling out the windows and blowing the horn.

Oh - that echo. 

And the resulting laughter.

The darkness. 

The sudden temperature change. 

Last night I dreamed about tunnels.

Sudden darkness. 

But I was alone. 

There was no family riding. 

No horn blowing.

No yells.

No laughter. 

And the air was heavy. 

Not cooler.

Hard to breathe.

I felt fear. 

(Honestly, I've been living in fear for several years.)

 Much like the first time we walked into the tunnel above. 

Stumphouse Mountain in Oconee County South Carolina.

An incompleted tunnel, so as you enter, there is no light in front of you. 

I was scared. 

It was muggy.

I could hear water as it trickled and dripped. 

Every now and then a splash in the little stream alongside the path would startle me. 

And the swoosh of bats. 

Daddy held my hand that day and explained things.

And he gave the tidbit of wisdom. 

Just stand here a minute and your eyes will adjust to the dark. 

Then you will be able to see things around you. 

You know - he was right.

And because I needed it he didn't let go of my hand. 

The dream - I have let it sit with me this morning. 

Played it through my mind again and again. 

Just standing here a minute and letting my mind's eye adjust. 

And I have gathered my own interpretation. 

of what my dream was trying to tell me. 

The darkness scared me.

The not knowing scares me now. 

The not being able to "see" scares me too.

I've called it "frozen in fear" 

But now I can say

I'm just standing here. 

Until I can adjust. 

Then, I will follow MY path out of the darkness of that tunnel

And into the light of one that looks like this. 

Or maybe looks 

Totally different than that

But you know what. 

I'll explain it to myself.

Matter of fact. 

I'll go to homes of friends.

I'll feel comfortable instead of on edge.

I'll go to the doctor. 

And if I'm nervous, I'll remember.

That a friend talked me through a scan result visit - she held my hand.

I'll remember that I've seen the images before.

I'll remember that Buttons appear on my porch

I'll remember that a little boy wasn't afraid to crawl up on my hospital bed. 

I'll remember that life is found in taking my mama to the fireworks.

That my daughters still need to be mom.

I'll remember that every carefully considered decision will help me

help me - remember that the next step forward will bring me closer to 

A real time view of 

This....... 

The first three pictures were blatantly snagged from the Internet. That last one --- the real life view  - that picture is one I took on a lovely fall afternoon.

Yes - I'm still afraid of the darkness coming again. 

But today, my eyes have adjusted and I'm beginning to see.

Just who I really am. 

And getting glimpses of who and where I want to be. 

hands on......hearts open.....voices heard

Breakfast --- two adults sitting there side by side. Phones in hand. An occasional laugh or word. But not looking at each other. ACTING LIKE TEENAGERS ----- damn.

An elderly on looker says - are you two "talking" to each other? Much laughter at that comment,  then an answer "no - I'm teaching him to use facebook."

But it brought a thought slamming into the front of my brain. The next generation will not really know how to communicate. Oh they will get their points across. Impersonal - read on a screen - with no way to hear the inflections. No body language to read. None of those indicators that we need to get a better interpretation.

Electronic media also can/will/has replaced that MASK we can hide behind. Giving us all kinds of excuses. Something to fall back on instead of clearing the air or really dealing with someone face-to-face.

Now I have a smart phone --- LOVE IT. Use the fool out of it. Have been guilty of the very thing I am speaking of. But in recent months, I've  taken to leaving it in the car when we go to eat. Just that bit of separation from it was HARD. But I've grown to like it. I've grown to enjoy the freedom from it. I can look my tablemate in the eyes. I can really listen to a conversation. I can participate in the moment. AND THAT IS A VERY GOOD THING.

So Sunday afternoon found us without phones --- completely. Sitting at the table. We played rummy - two hours worth - with real cards - note: I haven't forgotten how to shuffle. There was laughter - teasing - thinking - strategic planning - even a few complains about cheating or marking cards (lighthearted) there was adding (and some subtracting) by hand with a pen and a slip of paper. AND MISS T --- SHE HAD A ROARING SUCCESSFUL COME FROM BEHIND WIN IN WHICH THERE WERE ALMOST ALL THE FACE CARDS AND THE ACES. (competitive much - why yes I am)

Then there was ice cream --- hand dipped on a waffle cone - I had Butter Pecan (as if that detail mattered).

The best part of the afternoon - we ALL relaxed and talked and really got to listen and see and love and grow and smile and think and --- and ---- and.

I used to think that family fun days were kind of a stupid idea. But as I get older - and as technology becomes so much more prevalent in our every single day activity - I think there needs to be a whole lot more of the UNPLUGGED kind of fun activity.

Besides - the dang computer doesn't tease me about cheating when I win.

I'm ready when you are --- we'll sit a spell - visit and maybe play some cards.

CHOICES

I sat in my space in the circle.

Three of us knew one another.

The rest strangers.

I wasn't sure what I expected. But I do know that CHOICES got us here.

Mrs G - the facilitator - welcomed us all - observed the group - gave some guidelines -  admonished some (inside story there) - and asked us to introduce ourselves by first name.

Then we all listen - to Mrs. G - to one another - to the voices in our heads.

And I watch. I watch the faces as each one shares. I watch Mrs G's face. I watch the body language. The eyes. I see those closed - arms and legs crossed firmly. Refusal to look directly at any one. I see a wife turn away from a husband as he refuses to acknowledge any fault of his own in this scenario. I see a mother hopeful that her son will maybe hear - in time to be a part of his toddler's life. But in her eyes is a fear that getting her hopes up may hurt too much. I see a family trying to form a whole from a lot of little bits - there's a remark from one of them about being Jerry Springer material.  I see an Aunt spend two hours looking at the ceiling.

And I listen. To the gentle guiding of Mrs. G as she draws a closeness out this room of strangers. As she pulls a bit from her. A bit from him. I hear the pain in voices. I hear the encouragement. I hear the hope. I hear some resignation that this may never be as it should. I hear an admission from a man who says "I do not know how to live --- you will have to help me learn."

And I send my own body language signals. Stretching my legs as I settle in. I make the decision to really participate. I twirl my hair - its an unconscious thing I do. I bite that little spot inside my lip. At times tears threaten to spill.

A group counseling circle. Something I never expected to be a part of. Yet I'm open to the idea. Is this where healing happens? Are lives saved through this? Are relationships restored? Or developed? Or in the worst case - abandoned? What could I learn to help my loved ones? What could I learn to help myself?

Without the details, here are some things I learned?

Love is the reason I am in this room. Acceptance of the whole situation as it is and being willing to try to work through everything are also reasons I am here.

I am here because I made a choice to stand by this man.

This group of choices, the ones I've made, has started a series of other choices, for me and for several others. Easy choices, hard choices, past choices, future choices, fun choices, scary choices, add any of those descriptive words and you help me see. I can make my choices, I CANNOT make the choices for any one else in this story.

Every story is similar -- but each is unique.

I am a good mom. He is a good Dad.

Enabling bad behavior is a deep and not easily identified issue? And often is disguised by justification to ourselves and others.

What I WANT and what I EXPECT are two entirely different things. Not only are they different, they must be expressed in a way that keeps it clear.

What I'm still pondering --- CHOICES. The same thing every person in that room has to ponder.

Honestly - forward, positive decisions need to be the choice, but its tough to keep other's interest out of those decisions. I have put others first so much that I have a hard time doing what is best for me.

Here is the very last point I need to put out there - standing still - and some people use that to avoid things. SAY IT LOUD TO YOURSELF --- REFUSING TO DEAL WITH THINGS AKA "STANDING STILL" STILL REQUIRES MAKING A CHOICE. 

So saying to yourself that "i don't have a choice" or "I'm not choosing" or "if I ignore it, it will go away"  is still making a choice. 

Today - I'm choosing to breathe - and LOVE - and move another step forward.

The others in that room have to make their own CHOICES. 

I'm thinking THIS FAMILY -- we might just make it.

(I created those little affirmation shells in the picture at the beach last summer.)

relax

Just what is is about a fire? I'm not talking about the heat. I'm talking about the mesmerizing quality of the light.

Flames dance.

Tiny particles float away.

Colors reflect on the faces and surfaces around.

Smoke rises. (following me every time)

Even the glowing of the ash and coals.

A fire ALWAYS relaxes me.

All that about fire is wonderful, but my favorite part is the smell.

A camp fire - the smell of smoke in my clothes and in my hair.

Yup that is a wonderful wonderful thing.

FADE TO GREY

All the cracks in the walls remind you of things we've said...

I actually swiped the above statement from Esther. (and please go visit her place - she is beautiful and amazingly talented both as a photographer and as a fashion designer)  It resonated with me right now. But I don't ever really pay attention to the cracks in the walls at my place. 

Long dark and restless nights find me counting these. 

I refer to it as counting the circles on the ceiling. Something about the pattern counting is soothing and repetitive. We have these stippled ceilings in several rooms in the house and there is just enough light from various lamps and such to allow me to do this. I can ponder and and let my mind work on things while I do this.

For the last three years, there have been lots of nights like this. But I have now made decisions. Difficult decisions that for ME feel right. The hard part for me was realizing that what was right for me was going to be painful for others. And that was the very last thing I wanted.

When my Nanny was sick and dying, I used a phrase over and over. The phrase "being the big person sucks."

Facing these decisions had me mumbling that phrase over and over.

I knew I could not continue on the path I was on. And much of the drama was self inflicted.

I was not sleeping well. Really not eating right (sometimes not at all and that is scary for me - anorexia is still a distant and fear inducing demon - see part of that story here) I was struggling and it felt like backwards motions were the norm. All of the signs of knowing that things had to change. The real moment came when I was standing by my freezer late one night contemplating the bottle of tequila and just opening it and drinking right out of the bottle. Something that was dangerous for me because of losing my kidney. I knew then wha t I had to do to eliminate the drama.  I started collecting thoughts --- have to say Pinterest was an easy place to find ANY thought - quote - illustrated encouragement you might want.

But these are some I saved.

And I have tried to live WITHOUT that last word in the above picture.

UH OH maybe that is what's happening.

My heart knows what my rational brain struggled with. But turning those voices off in your head --- well that's hard work. Damned near impossible work.

But I finally did what I needed to do ----- and decided to stop IGNORING and face up to something.

Painful and scary --- yes.

Its time for me to CONQUER. Fix my GIVE A DAMN again.

So I am looking at some things in a very different way. By listening to ME and trying to respond in ways that move me forward again.

When I found this - I knew -----

What is about us that makes emotional baggage so damned important that we hang on. Often without even realizing it. That even when we unpack it we leaved it piled in the corner "just in case" we need to repack it.

OOPS - that's what hoarders do --- (I'm one of them too) --- keeping things (many of them are wayyyyy cool things) --- just to have in in case.

I've been using stuff from my craft stash ---- no more gathering and hoarding "just because it's cool". Nope really using it for gifts --- or sale --- or even giving it away. Some things are even discarded.

I made this pillow years ago --- every stitch was full of healing - emotional unpacking - dealing with things. Probably one of my favorite artworks EVER. I gave this one away. I hope that person never forgets that it is much more than a pillow.

Now to move into a new part of life.

I'll be taking these words with me.......

Dear Teresa, I'm so very sorry.  I obviously stepped over boundaries I didn't know were there. For that I am very sorry. ..........

..........You are a beautiful person. I will truly miss you.

I will miss YOU too.

But this is my right path now ---- and you need to be on YOUR right path. I know that not putting a voice to this already was the most hurtful and damaging  thing I could have ever done. More than that --- not voicing things almost cost me everything. I AM SO SORRY I HURT YOU

I hope no one misinterprets any of this message. I made choices. Some conscious and some not. I've ignored things in hope that they would simply fade away (something I have actually griped about when others do it). I've let things go that should never have been allowed to. I've taken some things for granted that I should not have. I've watched the storms gather and not helped clean up the damage left behind.

Time to get down to the nitty gritty and move forward. Clean up the damages from the storms. Light up the blue skies again. Look for the sunshine.

For those I've hurt ----- I am really sorry.
For those I've left wondering ----- I am really sorry.
For the bad choices I made ----- I am really sorry.

For those of you who think I have lost my mind ----- don't worry bout me  --- I'm alright. Well I'm not as crazy as I have been. So let's consider that a good thing and let it just be ---- Ok? I'll pretend you agree with me and it's all good.

I pray for love for all of us. I pray for grace for all of us. I pray for healing for all of us. I pray for a bright future for all of us. I know I'm looking for mine to move forward.

No more repeat conversations about some of this. Only forward ----- trying to take no more steps back.

I'll be over here working on being the best me I can be.

For me there is no doubt my decision was right. And last night there were no circles counted on the ceiling - I slept quite well.

I'm sorry I dragged this on --- Please forgive me.