What If..........

What if ....

I really said what I think.

About the hurts that I hold on to.

About the dreams I have.

About the love I feel.

About how beautiful I really do think life is.

About what makes me feel bad.

About what makes me feel good.

About what I wish you would say. do.

About why I don't say it.

About why this makes my heart heavy.

And this makes my heart sing.

About celebrations.

About sorrows.

Laughter.

Joy.

Pain.

Fear.

Yes - what if.

For one - it would scare you ......

But mostly - it scares me.

See, I tried it before. And that person.

The one who should have helped me fly.

Actually "promised" that is what would happen.

Then slowly and so carefully began to control my flight.

So yes --- what if --- well it's really better that I just hold it close to my heart.

Then no one can steal the very breath of who I am.

So --- guess there is no answer to

What if.........

lessons

I'm approaching my 49th birthday. July.

There are things that I wish I had known at 19 - 29 - 39 --- hell there are things I wish I had known yesterday.

This blog is my personal blog - yet I have decided not to make it private. Why? Because dammit - there are people who want to know some of these things - but they are too afraid to ask me.

But along with that reality --- some of those same people want to manipulate me. Ridicule me. Judge me.

And then there are those --- the ones I thought were friends and allies. Those who I've shared with --- thinking my soul was safe there. The ones I thought it would be safe to share weaknesses and fears with. And then, using that knowledge, almost destroyed me.

Yesterday - I found myself across a desk - sharing some of my biggest "bought lessons" with someone I barely know.  I also shared strength, weakness, fear, doubt and so many other things.

And as I read through those words above, I see that this is sounding like another one of those "somebody done somebody wrong" songs.

BUT IS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE ---

Why? Because dammit --- those words are about my past. And today is not my past. Today is today. I have learned through the "broken road" I traveled. I do not want to forget the past. I want it to be like the view in my car's rear view mirrors. Behind me. I'm headed forward. I'm in the right lane. I'm on the right road. And I have NO IDEA what the destination looks like.  But the passengers I've chosen to share this with, well, they are not looking for my experience on this journey. They are looking for their own. And the stories we share - or tell each other about - we can celebrate as just that - our stories.

So from my psychologist friend - I garnered this tidbit. I do not want to live in the past. I just want to live in the moment. If you want to be a part of my moment - then by golly - jump on in here. But if you want to control my moment in any kind of negative way - then get on out of the car.

I'm agonizing over attire for an upcoming event. Her advice - wear the damned blue outfit and hope that someone sees it now and says "that attracts the wrong kind of attention". Then you can say --- I'll decide if its wrong.

I've been asked to take a role in a group that I have NO DESIRE to take. But because I would be good at it - and there is a desperate need for a person like myself - I am feeling pressured to take it. Another bit of advice - the word NO needs to exist in your vocabulary - because taking this and being resentful that you took it are detrimental to effective use of your life.

Then there was this opportunity to compete for a position on a design team. Why was I so terrified to do that? With the encouragement of a friend - one who refuses to let me be down on myself - and who certainly refuses to negatively influence my moments - I sent my email and pictures. Here I am - one of the current design team members for GLOBECRAFT AND PICCOLO. And I am having the time of my life.

Last night we had choir practice. Talking to a friend about something very complicated, I blurted out - "you never try to manipulate me into someone you want me to be." The response "well that would just be stupid to try and do."

I'm approaching 49 ---- I've survived a lot ---- I've a lot more to trek through. I am so very happy in recognizing my beautiful life for what it is right now. Right here. Just where I am.

Don't be mistaken ---- it's messy some days. It's kinda frustrating and challenging and even ugly some days. Some days are amazing in their grandeur. And others are what you might call underwhelming. But IT's MY LIFE and I am LIVING ON A PRAYER.

And dammit - you don't have "HOPE YOU DANCE" -- by golly stand back and watch ----- I really dont wanna PUT ON MY BOOGIE SHOES. Got them suckers on already ----

Here is MY LETTER TO MYSELF ---

live it
be it
love it
you are gonna be OK!!!

I have a beautiful life

I received an email today. The program outline for my church's Mission Sunday. 

Relay For Life is one of the community outreach programs we participate in. 

This is special to me and I have been asked to present a bit about Relay as well as a quick testimony about

my cancer journey. 

I have agreed to do so.

This blog post is a result of the brainstorming. 

Some thoughts that I do not want to miss. 

I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 31. But the reality of that story is not even a blip on the radar. Found a lump on a Sunday morning while showering, came right on to church, sat in Donald's class (quietly) that morning. Those who know me well will understand why that QUIETLY word is important. 

After class was over and before morning worship, Maria Cleghorne asked what was wrong and I tearfully told her what I had discovered. A very quick turn of events sent me to surgery under Dr. Abney and the news AFTER that surgery was "you don't have cancer any more." 

I was blessed - early discovery, lumpectomy, clear margins. No need for a huge amount of support. A simple request for prayer for the surgery recovery and I was on my merry way.

And I became active with Relay for Life (actually all of the American Cancer Society programs at that time). Oh, I was passionate about it. 

Then I went to work for them and discovered what amazing services and research and support they provide. And became even more passionate about the event. 

Jones Chapel has been a major part of Relay fundraising for many years since, and I am proud to walk that track with others affected by this disease. 

Fast forward to April 2010. 

Kidney stone they said. 

Misery said I.

Doctor - Emergency room - CT scan - back to Doctor. 

Lying there as the soft spoken and kind, but to the point, Doc said.

"you have a kidney stone in your left kidney" 

my reply - DUH - now what do we do.

"Well that's not our major concern" 

and he balled up his fist and said 

"your kidney is normally about this size" 

"you have a tumor about this size (circling his fingers on the other hand) in your kidney" 

"that's what is causing all the problems and you are bleeding internally"

then he hung that word out there

"you have CANCER" 

those words hanging out there.

those words were no match for the literal blanket of love, prayer and care the this congregation draped around me. 

That was Friday

the following Wednesday was our Mrs Relay fundraiser. 

Jones Chapel circled me and many survivors and their loved ones that night.

And with the continued fundraising support 

Relay for Life and the American Cancer Society

can help so many others. 

I invite each of you

support Relay

Support each other.

Love each other.

Pray for each other.

Help this church be the hands and feet of God for this community.

I almost died from renal cell carcinoma. 

I lost my left kidney.

But I am blessed beyond measure. 

I had no requirements for treatments afterwards.

I have frustrating side effects, but nothing very serious.

AND most important

 in losing that kidney and almost dying.

I really learned to LIVE.

Giving - serving - loving - reaching. 

We each can help someone else learn to live too. 

You know......

I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE

Today.....

Today I wore blue.

Today I feel strong.

Today I held a baby for the entire worship hour.

Today I sang from the heart. 

Today I really worshipped. 

Today I said thank you to people who complimented me.

Today I was really myself.

Today there were smiles.

Today peaceful is how I described my emotional state. 

Today the youth will ne a part of my service.

Today my decisions were mine. 

Today the decisions were not clouded by my past.

Today I can feel the future.

Today I know I'm moving on my right path.

Today I know I am human. 

Today I know I am loved.

Today I wore blue.

And you know what.

I still look and feel pretty in that blue.