A whole damn lot

"October's Party"

October gave a party;
The leaves by hundreds came-
The Chestnuts, Oaks, and Maples,
And leaves of every name.
The Sunshine spread a carpet,
And everything was grand,
Miss Weather led the dancing,
Professor Wind the band.

The Chestnuts came in yellow,
The Oaks in crimson dressed;
The lovely Misses Maple
In scarlet looked their best;
All balanced to their partners,
And gaily fluttered by;
The sight was like a rainbow
New fallen from the sky.

Then, in the rustic hollow,
At hide-and-seek they played,
The party closed at sundown,
And everybody stayed.
Professor Wind played louder;
They flew along the ground;
And then the party ended
In jolly "hands around."

George Cooper

This has LONG LONG been a favorite poem for me. Don't know why, but it is. 

Maybe because fall weather in northeast Georgia really feels like that poem and makes me want to party like this.

I took the picture today on a sudden, unplanned "windshield time" road trip for work.

As I noticed the brilliant red - it actually took my breath away. 

Stop - turn around - find place to safely pull over - get out - take picture - talk to the homeowner who lives at this beauty - count the blessings that accompany such an impromptu meeting - share a smile and a few laughs at the crazy picture taking lady - go on my merry way. 

I rode in the sunshine and blue skies with my windows down.

Radio playing country favorites today. 

Tomorrow may be gospel greats - never know with me. 

Trying to sing, but the horrible noise from my clogged, cruddy, infected sinus, sore throat was not cooperating, so I was just listening and thinking. 

Wind in my hair - chasing the loose strands and tucking them back in - thinking how unlikely some people think this would be for me. 

Fully realizing how I am coming full circle to who I really am in the core of my being. 

And finding myself liking that girl a whole damn lot.  

Remembering - riding on the back of daddy's truck - standing behind the cab wind in my face - grinning from ear to ear - laughing with my sister - ducking below an overhanging branch. Yes, I'm remembering her.

Even more than that, I'm re- acquainting myself with her as often as I can.

I went for years without riding with the windows down and I am really not sure why? Might mess my hair? Because air -conditioning is so comfortable? NOT A CLUE? 

But having decided to do these kinds of things - I like them. 

I have a question for you --- 

When is the last time you rode with the windows down? 

When is the last time you ran bare toes across the grass?

When is the last time you stood trying to see what the dog was barking at and saw a tiny little fox (or other critter cross the field)? 

Who was your little girl (or boy)? 

Do you miss that person? I didn't even realize I did.

But I'm finding her again

And I really like that girl a whole damn lot. 

Wow ----

I saw this on Facebook 

It resonated.

It is where I am finding myself.

More and more often. 

I have had bad reactions to some things

I've had good reactions too. 

But every day I find myself learning to regain control of where I want to be

Instead of going where I used to go

This is a very good thing. 

Not one person observed Saturday for what it was to me.

Just me. 

I remember every year. 

I used to expect others to remember too. 

Now that I am seeing things from a better perspective.

There were no expectations to be fell short of. 

So that means, my feelings were not hurt. 

17 years. 

It was life changing

It left me scarred

It tried again in 2010

It again left me scarred. 

It did not win

It will not win. 

Cancer sucks -- but it cannot suck me dry. 

here comes (and goes) the sun

On Saturday, my day was fully bracketed by God's majesty.

Up early - at our church Family Life Center - on a drizzly gray morning - I glanced out to see this.

(sorry, cell phone shot)

Just the glimmering streaky lights of the sun peeking through. 

As we went about getting ready - I found myself gravitating back to the front to watch the sun come up.

Bathing the morning with a stunning glow. 

I saw the sun spot - called people to the door to see.

Noel Dobbs - looked at me and said 

"you have a thing for sunrise and sunset"

I do have a thing for them 

I did not die on April 8, 2010

Bleeding internally from a cancerous tumor destroying my left kidney.

Requiring blood to stabilize me.

Shaken and scared. 

I didn't try to bargain with God. 

I faced the next several days getting really well acquainted with him. 

Facing the entire situation with prayer, faith, and humor. 

And here's a part of the story you may not know. 

I witnessed - just by being myself.

By allowing my faith to show. 

By having humor on my side. 

I tried to be gracious and grateful for every person I came into contact with. 

The aides.

The nurses.

The food service people.

The custodians.

That lady who awakened me to take vitals (yes even her)

On Sunday - that first weekend.

Knowing I had cancer in me.

Knowing I would face a major surgery the following week.

Still scared - still shaking. 

I was walking the halls. 

They let me out of bed - my blood count was finally safe. 

I swung into the hall - rolling IV stand with me - and announced loudly

"LET THE POLE DANCING BEGIN"

And up and down those halls I paraded. 

Laughing and facing my illness the best way I could. 

Sunday afternoon - the vitals lady - found me in one of the waiting rooms on that hall. 

I was wandering around and it was time for my vitals.

She asked me my name and birthdate.

Completed her job right there in that waiting room. 

Then sat down and looked at me. 

Questions on her face. 

She asked - how can you be so nice and cheerful and at peace with this?

Aren't you scared? 

Are you pretending? 

I answered - carefully measuring my words

"I have a faith basis."

Her face invited me to go on. 

I told her about my God. 

About my life with him in it.

About losing my Dad

About losing MaggieGrace

About the first cancer.

I told her about God's grace and his beauty 

about prospering us

about choosing. 

She nodded and said 

I want all that.

She considered herself a Christian

what she was missing was the personal relationship with God.

after about 30 minutes - we separated - I've never seen her again. 

I still wonder if she found it.

So yes NOEL - I have a thing for sunrise and sunset. 

Saturday night - headed to meet Molly and Ben for dinner

The golden glow of the sunset was breathtaking.

A Eucharisteo moment

I take all these beautiful moments and raise great thanks to God 

for bringing me new days

Each one with an opportunity to see and thank Him for the day.

I breathe the words from something I read long ago

"peace is seeing a sunrise (sunset) and knowing who to thank"

Molly shared her pictures of the sunset too. 

As did so many others on Instagram and facebook. 

Then early Sunday morning. 

Looking through my feeds and seeing the likes and comments that had been left on these images,

I posted ----

I am not a great morning person. But I am learning that it is not horrible to get up and going. Im learning that there is beauty in every moment. And to put my spin on something i read in the past - by being up early, i can watch God make a morning. This morning at 6 my text tone was there. "Good morning, i love you" i read. These five words remind me that every morning is good now. And every morning is to have its own little celebration of living and loving. Happy Sunday.

Good day God 

Thank you for making another morning that I get to be a part of.

Good morning - I love you.

Yes - every sunrise - every morning is good now

Yes - every sunset - every evening is good now.

Yes - every moment day and night  between the sunrise and sunset - every minute is good now.

I got a second chance to live

Yes - I have a thing for each very special minute of each very special day.

And dang those stunning sunsets.

I think of them as God's gift to celebrate just how special these days are. 

Cancer did not win.

And I am dang well gonna live fully. 

Scans

This morning.  No worries. Got prayers and my lucky charms on my side.

HOME ---

I just read a blog post and like many things a single line caught my attention ----

It's funny, I have friend who sees a therapist regularly and she is often asked to explain herself for these kinds of things. Maybe recognizing and then writing these impressions down is therapeutic. 

Here's the post I was reading.

here is the quote that slammed me.

"   I felt tired. It felt like it would be more work than I had the energy to do. I was confused about which way to go. I read go dark! I read go light! We didn’t have a large budget. I worried that I couldn’t get what I wanted without the right amount of money.

Until I just got tired of being tired."

That is me ---- that is my house ----- I know what happened ----- She moved away, thing changed, my give a damn is broke again. 

I'n the picture above, you can see a sliver of a dark wall. I want that dark paint gone so badly, I want light and pretty and PANTONE WHITECAP GREY walls - yes i do. And since she moved away, I'll have to do it myself. It's a long story and it is very complicated, but it is what it is. I want - I want - I want. And none of it is super expensive, its just super overwhelming. 

So - now I have really identified the problem and now I can really take that power away from it. 

The blogpost ended with the phrase "I feel silly for stalling" ---- yup - I want to be able to write that phrase. 

And I have one of the world's best GIVE A DAMN repairmen readily available.

Have a great afternoon. 

SUMMER WANES

Every week.

I have beauty on my desk.

Not purchased.

But somewhat planned.

A flower bed prepped and planted with the plan to cut blooms.

I never know what to expect to be there. 

But I sure know, it has been a wonderful summer.

Pretty too.

moments

Every morning on the way to work I talk to her.

How we slept. 

Where she is in her morning routine.

What she accomplished yesterday.

Plans (always tentative) for her day. 

Occasionally there is a snippet of REAL conversation

Occasionally there is HARD conversation. 

But, my friends, it is ALL good. 

See for many years it was stormy between us. 

Reasons -- honestly they don't even matter anymore.

He picked her up and brought her to the soccer field. 

She got out and took my hand as we started down the hill.

A moment. A beautiful moment. 

MY MAMA'S HAND IN MINE. 

She needed me for support.

It was extra effort for him.
To call her.
To convince her to come to sweet Addison's game.
To go get her.
But all that extra was brushed off with-
"It's the right thing to do."

And Addie smiled big and wrapped her arms around.
And my Mama smiled big and wrapped hers too.
And it was big and full and deep and beautiful.

And we started back up that hill.

And she took my hand again.

She needed me for support.

I needed her to need me.

Addie needs to love us both.
We need to love those around us HARD.
and BIG
and FULL
and DEEP

And go that little bit extra.
Not just talk about it.
Not just say things like
"You should spend more time with your Mama"
But try and find ways to make those MOMENTS happen.

Because it's the right things to do.

And the hand that trembled as it reached for my chin.

I needed it for support.

And now because of that.

I'm no longer scared to say that I need it.

So I held her hand and she held mine.
And it was big and deep and full and beautiful.

REALLY - The whole thing is just LOVE.