A Tangled Mess

photo is from HERE

There is a great deal of beautiful stuff over there.

Beauty Everyday

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I walked through the web. 

Cussing under my breath.

I hate spider webs. 

They creep me out. 

But, in a true ironic manner.

I fiercely protect the tiny garden spider and her web in my smokehouse door.

Then I read blogs. 

Thought provoking blogs.

I read some of my own writing again. 

I ponder a nightmare from last night. 

And an unexpected turn in a conversation

From earlier in the week. 

And I wonder.

Why is my house like that web in the picture?

The little garden spider in my doorway keeps her web so tidy.

Catch her food. Wrap it up. Clean out the web. Patch it up. 

Back to center. Ready again. 

I'm so careful to protect her.

Careful not to mess up her web. 

But, those other webs. 

Tangled messes.

Full of trash - debris of living - dust and dirt - pieces of trash. 

Just sticky enough to catch prey. 

And me - it would seem.

Then move on to the next one.

Start again. 

No harm - no foul.

No change. 

Those just make me cuss.

I hate spider webs

They creep me out.

I'm tired of my home creeping me out too.

I have a writing spider in the smokehouse doorway. 

There is beauty in her world. 

I really want more beauty in mine. 

************************************************

Yes - I am a tangled mess. 

And untangling is so overwhelming.

And the fear of what that untangling may cause

Well that causes me to freeze again.

No reason to step forward. 

Just stay right here.

Its safe

Comfy.

But in that tiny place in the center of me. 

Things are changing.

I've always said - I'll announce my midlife crisis. 

Send invitations to join me. 

Right now --- I think a writing spider might just be the perfect design for the invitation cards.

OLDER - I AM

WISER - I AM

STILL LEARNING - I AM

GRATEFUL - I AM

HAPPY - I AM

THE STORM CLOUDS ARE CLEARING

I THINK THERE IS SUNSHINE IN THE FORECAST.

I'M SORRY

THERE IS NO MALICE IN THE SILENCE.

THERE ARE JUST SOME THINGS

I AM NOT READY TO FACE

HAVE FACED BUT I'M NOT READY TO DEAL WITH

HAVE DEALT WITH BUT I'M NOT READY TO SHARE MY JOURNEY

HAVE DEALT WITH - BUT REALLY REALIZED THERE IS NO NEED TO DISCUSS.

MOVING FORWARD IS AN ARDUOUS TASK

ERASING ALL THOSE YEARS OF RECORDS IS HARD WORK

LEARNING WHEN TO BE QUIET IS THE HARDEST LESSON FOR ME

CHOOSING TO BE QUIET WHEN I REALLY NEED TO SAY SOMETHING

ACTUALLY DOES MORE DAMAGE THAN ANY ONE COULD EVER IMAGINE

SO FOR TODAY, I AM TRYING TO BE TRULY INTENTIONAL IN WHAT I SAY

IN WHAT I DO

IN DEFINING THINGS 

THESE ARE ALL FORWARD STEPS

AND FORWARD IS THE DIRECTION I NEED TO GO. 

THERE IS NO MALICE IN THE SILENCE

PLEASE DO NOT INTERPRET ME THAT WAY.

life bits

The one on the left is 20.

The one on the right 23.

Me - I'm 29 (cough cough) and they are catching up quickly. 

Family dinner on Friday night. 

Total of six of us. 

Lot's of laughter. 

Stories too.

Boys -- just hang on - it gets better from here. 

Notice ---- no kitty cat got hurt in this picture.

Every morning - Dragon is waiting in the laundry room for Rusty and I.

Every morning Rusty nibbles all down her neck and back with just his front teeth.

Every morning I laugh at them.

Every morning Dragon scratches him to signal enough.

Every morning -----

Morning routines ---

There is comfort in that kind of repetition.

Much love -----

23 years ago

I had my heart stolen from me. 

At 4:01 in the afternoon, they handed me this tiny thing with LONG black hair - all her fingers and toes - and the longest eyelashes I think I had ever seen. 

She still has all those long thin fingers and toes. 

Still has that long dark hair. 

And when she closes her eyes, I can still see those long eyelashes, and the tiny thing she was. 

And again I breathe thanksgivings for the blessings of being her mama. 

Oh -- and that heart she stole from me --- she's still got that too.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOLLY!!!!!

I LOVE YOU.

letter to myself

Dear  _______,

Saw this today and I thought of you.

You don't get to make up most of your story ---- you get to make peace with it.
                                                                                                                   Ann Voskamp

Whew - that takes some of the pressure off doesn't it. Maybe - then again maybe not. But here's the deal, some of where you are just happened.

Good Lord, you certainly would not have decided you could do with out your daddy. But here you are - with only memories of who he was. Then there was the losing of MaggieGrace --- you would give ANYTHING for that to have been different. And your Nanny, Mama Norvan, Grandma and Grandpa Simpson - they lived long lives, but still that ache.

Then CANCER - well that certainly changed you didn't it. Left you facing things you really didn't want to. You've called them demons. They aren't - give them names and they are just bits of reality.

Molly and Abby --- WOW - those are the offsetting positives to all that other. God - thank you for them - they give you great reasons to keep on going. And your Mama - sure is good that that relationship gets stronger every day. Sure am glad you realize that the phone call every morning means as much to you as it does to her.

See all of  it goes together - the parts that just happen and the parts you decide.

things

there are things

all these things

things I didn't tell you

things I couldn't say

things I've shared so easily

and things that got in the way.

things that mattered hugely

thinks that mattered not

things that helped to form us

and things that left a lot.

Love - keeps no record of wrongs.

I alluded to this the other day.

Preparing a lesson for three and four year olds at Sunday school. Seems easy, until you try to really break a scripture down to their level and give them examples and maybe a craft to illustrate the lesson.

And right now we are focusing on 1 Corinthians 13. All about love. You know -  love is patient, kind, .....

We are progressing merrily along and then this one. verse 5

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

We made it through dishonor. A little uncomfy for me.

Not self-seeking ------ I can handle the nudge I got on that one.

Not easily angered ----- that was hard for me - red headed me, got some serious Irish bloodlines, easily can fly off the handle about stuff. I actually got that message loud and clear many years ago. I work on that constantly. Have for years. So okay, confess it to the kids, and use that as the lesson illustration. Whew.

LOVE - IT KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS.

I read the words. I reflect on them. Suddenly there's that feeling. The knowing. The sick at my stomach, gut wrenching feeling that GOD is about to teach me about being much more like Him.

And I react much like some of these readers might. It starts like this.....

but GOD !!!!!!!!

And then it goes into the justifying of  this very human behavior.

But he did ------ and she did ------- and no I won't forget ---- can't forget.

Oh and then the lesson poured into me.

Oh, but you get so HISTORICAL. 

Yes - I do. I say, I forgive, but then I hang onto it. And rehash it over and over. But I also get so frustrated when others do this to me. Trying to beat some lesson into my head. Or trying to beat my lesson into someone else's head. 

Oh and then there is the very public social media - and blogging - and texting - and instagram and all that to JUSTIFY my side of whatever the story is. 

Add onto that --- the waiting until some human slip up in the future. The "I don't get mad - I get even" phrase. Trust me - I have lived this phrase to it's fullest degrees. 

As I sat in my studio, absorbing the lesson. Facing myself. I then committed the worst offense to this. I then hashed out ALL the crap I do wrong. So in my very human state of being - I rehashed my own record of wrongs.

UH - OH.

After several minutes of this -of the fighting the faceless angel -  Genesis 32:24-32 - of wrestling with God over being chastised  - I slowly come to terms with the immediate lesson I am being taught myself. Then it happened - just like in Jacob's story. I was blessed by God.

My child  - you do this so often. You keep this big book of wrongs in you. This record. This is heavy for you to carry. This takes so much energy to maintain. So much trouble to keep cataloged. So much heartache to re-live. So much anger to drive the ugliness. You're tired so much and you don't often even know why. Wrongs you think you have committed and need to remember. Wrongs you perceived against you. Wrongs that really did happen to you. Take a look at that  record book. Look how much space in your heart and head it takes up.  Look at some of those names. Does it really matter now what happened? Look at some of the things you kept. Does it matter that your friend wasn't there like you expected? Does it matter that you really wanted that thing in your life and she forgot? Really --- does it matter? Does it matter that you took the time and made the effort and there were no thanks? Really --- does it matter? 

Now look at that book with the eyes of LOVE - of MY LOVE. See - use my sleeve and wipe that line away. Tear those pages out and start a fire of great LOVE with them. Wait - that number right there - keep it in a new file. Dial it and say "let's try to go out to eat". Oh there's an address - send a note - A LOVING NOTE - saying that you're sorry and that this should not have been between us. And those posts --- yes - the ones where you tried so hard to explain your side - they can go away too. One word -one page - one chapter at a time - dismantle that record book. 

Yes it's hard to do - I know MY child - as your Heavenly Father, I KNOW. I have to do this every day - but it's worth it. 

See - if you let all that go, you can rest. You can give ALL THAT ROOM over to love and to blessings and to gratitudes. You can genuinely focus on my LOVE and sharing it with others. You can be a much better witness of and for my GRACE. 

I try to give you these lessons MY child. Because I LOVE YOU. Right here - right now - with no thought of what happened or how you got where you are. 

Choose wisely my dear one ------

_____________________________________________________________________

Now the hard work starts for me - There are posts here and elsewhere that will be deleted.

There are I'm sorrys to be spoken. There are bridges to be mended - hello - some may have to be rebuilt.

It will be difficult I know. In my human state, I'll have to unpack and erase some things multiple times. I'll have to start over again, again and again.

Let me start right here ---------

I AM SO SORRY - if I attacked you - offended you - hurt you - 

I AM SO SORRY - if i said I forgave you then held onto the transgression in my own way, just so I could use it against you later. 

I AM SO SORRY.

I AM SO SORRY THAT I'VE KEPT RECORDS

will this change the outcome of things? maybe or maybe not. but I am learning everyday. and the learning, well that will not stop. will the bridges be rebuilt or repaired? I don't know that either? and will I be able to stop keeping these records? I sure hope so -because the lesson is right --- keeping up with all that is exhausting. 

even anonymous comments are welcome ----- 

LOVE -------

I teach 3 and 4 year old Sunday School kids. 

We are focusing on Love ---- 

Easy Peasy - love is patient - kind.........

Then in studying something and trying to get an illustrative example together ---- God suddenly reveals something to me. Something really big.

Uh - oh 

Time to hold prayer meeting over myself. 

More on this message to come ------ 

As I figure out what exactly to do with this message.

THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE.

I run

Running. 

Today was hot and humid.

Didn't want to.

But I did.

I ran. Situps. Pushups.  Planks. Squats.

Blister on my heel.

Toxins pouring off me. Dripping sweat from my hair.

I'm stronger.

The runner's high. Haven't found it yet.

But I'll keep looking.

And since I started running. ..... well..... I found my chin. I found my neck. I found my smaller jeans. 

I found a path to staying sane.

Yes. ... I ran today. Did you?