Dear beautiful you.......

this is YOUR life

(your very own life)

get to know YOUR soul

dance YOUR dance

sing YOUR song

take charge of YOUR story

love YOUR day

let YOUR heavy stuff go

embrace YOUR blessings

kiss YOUR beloveds

thank YOUR everything

see YOUR place

stand in YOUR power

forgive YOUR mistakes

forgive YOUR enemies

drain YOUR secrets of their poison

heal YOUR pain

find YOUR tribe

rest YOUR body

share YOUR talents

practice YOUR passions

find YOUR bliss

LIVE YOUR LIFE

LOVE YOUR LIFE

because the best years of YOUR life will happen

as soon as you open YOUR hands to YOUR happiness.

melody ross

**********************************************************

I was talking to my mama. 

I told her about something that happened. 

About how it pissed me off.

I guess I unconsciously wanted sympathy.

I say that because her reaction surprised me. 

I am 48 years old and I got a lecture from my mama. 

A lecture that included these phrases..... (my response in parenthesis)

You made a choice. (I did)

Do you feel like you made the right choice? (yes ma'am I do)

Any second thoughts about the choice? (NOPE)

Would you make the same choice again? (I would)

Does anyone but you have to agree with the choice? (Not really) 

Is the choice harmful to you or the girls? (Not at all)

Do you really care what anyone else thinks about it? (I shouldn't) 

Are you happy? (what?)

I know you are pissed off right now, but in general, are you happy? (I sure am) 

Then why the hell did you allow this to piss you off? (well, since you put it this way)

My mother endured a lot. 

Raised by a single mother

Found herself a single mother of teenage girls when my dad was killed

Managed to be all for all for a long time.

Is a very strong lady. 

And really gives not one F*&^ what anyone thinks about her.

She encourages me to be better every day. 

She knows some of the crap I have dealt with. 

It matches some of what she did. 

And she really wants me happy. 

And she understands why its hard for me. 

But more than understanding and encouraging.

My mama loves me. 

And she knows that where I am today is really the best I have been in a long long long time. 

Yes -----

MY LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

Coffee and laughter included.

notes on a Saturday.......

I've become somewhat of an early riser. 

I know, pick your jaw up off the floor. 

But I'm so excited about life right now. 

Things I've longed for and have now found INTENTION to work toward. 

As some would say, my Give-a-Damn is fixed.

Having given that preface, 

It's Saturday. 

Alarm goes off at 5am. 

I silence it for 30 minutes (that snooze is the best sleep still) 

Then at 5:30 AM, still in the dark, I quietly move about. 

No TV. 

I read in the lamplight. 

Slowly waking up.

Hair still tangled from sleep. 

Still in yoga pants and a t-shirt. 

I can hear the birds starting to welcome the day. 

As the sky lightens and the darkness eases away, 

Barefooted, I amble to the kitchen.

Coffee calls. 

I reach for the cup. 

The water for the Keurig (I love this coffeemaker)

And I see it. 

That sliver of red in the morning horizon. 

The one Molly painted

And I knew it was going to be a glorious sunrise. 

So I skipped the coffee for a bit. 

Grabbed a sweatshirt, jacket, socks and shoes. 

I took off on a brisk, cold walk in the direction of the sunrise. 

Yes - I am the lady in her pj's with bed hair chasing the sunrise. 

I was about a mile into my walk, when my phone rang.

No good morning - just these words.

"Have you seen the sunrise?" 

My response "Walking into it now." 

The person on the phone understands. 

Understands my desire to live as fully as I can. 

And encourages that attitude in me. 

Instead of just appreciating the sunrise alone, wants to share it. 

Did not want me to miss it.

It was that stunning of a sunrise. 

That sharing. 

Taking time to call. 

Chatting for just a few minutes as I trekked to my destination.

Laughing at the pj's and state of my hair description. 

I arrived at that spot I know well.

Then saying good bye and allowing me the time to really BASK in the beautiful morning. 

That kind of caring is simply beautiful too.

If you have that person in your life, please tell them how wonderful they are.

I stayed until the glow was well up in the sky. 

Standing, bathed in the colors of the morning. 

Knowing majesty - expressing awe in the form of a grateful prayer. 

It was spontaneous - this walk.

It was gratitude - this walk.

It was kindness to my soul - this walk.

It was as energizing as coffee - this walk. 

I had to take - this walk. 

It's part of living this beautiful life I've been given a second chance at. 

And this is the reward for the small effort of taking that walk. 

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. 

EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF EVERY SINGLE DAY. 

15 years

I cried when my girls were born.

I cried when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. 

I cried when I ran my first 12 minute mile. 

I cried over losing a friend - or two - three.

I cried when the girls graduated from high school.

I cried when I was diagnosed again, this time with kidney cancer. 

I cried when Molly got married. 

I cried yesterday when, during prayers at church, Patti reached and held my hand. 

Every one of those tears has been well deserved.

Tears shed for happy times, sad times, accomplishment times. 

Today, I cried again. 

I wrote a check and filled out the memo line

PAID IN FULL ---- YAY!!!!!

Yes, I literally wrote YAY. 

I asked her to look and see just how long this was in coming. 

It started as a 500.00 loan.

But as I got blindsided over and over, I had to add to it. Rework it. catch us up. OVER AND OVER. 

Money that I didn't plan

to have to come up with, but because my name was mama, I did what I had to. 

And a 15 year process has now come to an end. 

15 years. 

Yup - no damned wonder I wrote YAY!!!! on my check. 

And Doris - well - let's just say - she was not nearly as excited by this as I was. 

On to whittling down the next one. 

It was always "you are pretty to me" 

I needed to be "pretty with you" 

It's about together. 

It's about a common goal identified.

It's about a common goal worked towards. 

It's about both parties contributing. 

Doing things together. 

Seeing needs in each other 

AND others,

and doing what WE can to fix it.

It's about not running from issues.

Its about supporting one another.

About never feeling like one does all the leaning.

It's about planning for a future.

With both sides having input. 

Adjusting the plans so that everyone feels like they are a part of it. 

It's about your way - and my way - and all about it all being merged together for it to be OUR way.

And realizing that OUR way may look completely different that either of us expected. 

Hmmmmm. 

Guess what I'm getting to?

We never worked together for anything.........

And that's part of what happened. 

Of course this is only my side and a very wise OLD man told me this

There is my side of the story

There is your side of the story

Both are right from your perspective,

But the real true story falls somewhere in between. 

This is hard ........

A friend said something that hurt me so bad. 

About wearing my survivor necklace. 

We were arguing and the words were flung at me in a hateful tone.

"and you wear that necklace" 

and at that moment with huge, hot, angry, hurt, tears

I wrapped my fist around it and ripped it off my neck.

I even cut myself doing it. 

The pain from the cut was a welcome distraction from the pain in my soul.

Relax - this is not a post about the hurt.

The back story was needed. 

Because - that friend in that moment was RIGHT.

I was frozen in fear.

I was frozen in the past. 

I was holding a serious issue with the long term effects that cancer left me with. 

My life was adding complications to these effects.

And I was holding onto some intangible something that I needed to let go of.

The next few weeks after that discussion were awful. 

Destructive moments followed each other in a whirlwind of horrible fallout. 

Many of them (Most of them) self inflicted. 

Talk about choices.

The kinds of destruction that caused me to crave a really big drink then buy something I absolutely did not need and run away and undo so much of the progress I had made physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. 

Then another friend - one who has had cancer - called me. 

She actually gave me the necklace. 

She spoke to me calmly and rationally.

She knows that cancer unscrews your head even if you think you're fine. 

And mine was not only loose.

At times it was laying on the ground beside me.

So I took me a little side trip.

Cancelled anything that felt negative - or hurtful.

Walked away from conflict.

Refused to participate in drama.

And retreated to the silence that includes a clicker and a beer.

I didn't drink. (much)

I didn't over buy to fill that gaping hole.

I didn't stop working out.

I didn't stop paying bills and planning for the future.

I did chase sunrises.

And sunsets.

I listened to the sounds of the forest in the fall.

I listened to the quiet of the snow.

I listened to the quiet of my studio alone.

I sang in private and in public.

I watched the moon rise and fall.

I counted blessings.

I helped a dear friend move many miles away from me.

I made things.

I cleared things.

I sold things.

I took extra care of me.

I poured me out again and again to God.

I looked for (prayed for) signs along my path - and got them. 

God - it was hard.

God - there were tears.

I know there has been hurt for how things played out. 

For that part - I am so very sorry. 

I'm still working through so so much. 

Maybe always will be. 

In those hard moments last summer, I chose.

I chose to look for me. 

The real me.

Not the one ANYONE else thought I should be.

And this path still feels quite right for me. 

Now - if you are still with me (I don't blame you if you left0 

let me encourage you to get out of your own way. 

Pour yourself out to God over and over again. 

Ask for your path to become clear. 

Walk away from negative and towards the better of the future.

Expect it to be hard.

Expect tears. 

Expect surprises. 

Then look for the peace and happiness that you deserve. 

And know that I'm praying for all that for you as well as for me. 

Now I can say ---- I am a survivor.

Of a hell of a lot more than just cancer.

SCREAM IT OUT LOUD 

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

look deep

Go back to yesterdays picture ----- look at her.

No - not the baby.

Look at the middle aged. Overweight woman with gray in her hair and wrinkles around her eyes.

Go ahead --- enlarge that picture.

Now really look at her.

What do you see?

I see happiness.

I see ME!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



A very heart wrenching and healing post is bubbling up ---

I'm ok and I'll be back here with it in a few days.

Life is beautiful.

Child's play

Connection strengthens the life in us.  She reached out her arms and touched my heart.

Life is beautiful.

Listen --

Do you hear that?

It's the silence.

It is deafening.

It will kill a relationship.

couch - dark - clicker - silent.

Indifference.

I refuse to give into the darkness and the silence.

I refuse.

I want light.

Laughter.

Conversation.

Companionship.

I'm sad.

And

I'm tired.

I've been fighting for so long.

Yet right here I find myself.

Listening to the sounds of silence.

Unless -

I get an defensive answer

To a simple question.

And all of this leads me to

WHY am I doing this?

Jacob and the Angel

I'm preparing to lead a study about children of the Holocaust with the youth of our church. In reading and studying, a thought (lesson) has come to me.

Jacob fought the angel thru the night. Not knowing what, why, or who he was fighting. But in the process he received the blessing. And his injury from the struggle stayed with him as a reminder of the blessing.

I'm reading tonight and struggling with the adrenal fatigue that rears its head fairly often since my own cancer fight.

I see the fatigue as frustrating.

In almost dying from cancer, I learned how to really live.

Maybe my fatigue is a part of my blessing. A reminder that I did live and can continue to embrace this beautiful life I have found.

Changes things when you look at it that way.

You know what .....

I have a beautiful life and I really am determined to openly accept this blessing.

Much lov

Of this, I am sure. 

According to the Language of Flowers Dictionary,

Goldenrod is for ENCOURAGEMENT.

I needed that encouragement. 

There may not have been knowledge for the language. 

But it sure is knowledge from the heart. 

Flowers on my desk.

A sign that it's all gonna be okay. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

And - as it turned out. 

What If...........

I am right about this?