My --- how I have changed.........and trying to correct what i did wrong.

So, there was this text / facebook conversation last week. 

Molly "organized" a dinner with her parents. (her facebook word) 

Now, let's just say, I do not see her as often as I would like. (Ben, you too) 

She's a young married lady, full time grad student, has two dogs, is a teaching assistant and lives SO FAR AWAY ---- aka 19 miles in Athens. So I definitely understand. Add to that - as she was growing up, we did not visit the grandparents as frequently as we should have. So there is no pattern there for being committed to EVERY SUNDAY AT LUNCH with the parents. 

And THIS IS NOT AN ANGRY POST! 

I repeat - I AM NOT AT ALL ANGRY. 

But - I digress - 

I was tickled that they were coming. 

And she organized a dinner after all

Mom cooked and she brought pie. 

Any way - because I really did have a major upheaval in my life a few years ago - I am trying to make the girls understand that I REALLY REALLY need to see them and spend time with them. 

And I REALLY REALLY want at some time in the future to see the Grandchildren. 

So ---- back to the dinner. 

Molly and Ben are coming for dinner. 

Special request - deer - in some form.

So I fixed tenderloin - marinated in a CocaCola concoction (it was amazing)

then roasted asparagus and potatos

along with a salad ---- 

And I wanted a way for her to know I was excited about her coming. 

It was a glorious spring day.

So, I moved the table off the porch out under the pecan trees. 

Added benches and that rainbow fabric that makes me tear up.

We hung it as wall covering when I was pregnant with her. Then it has been tablecloth, sheets, curtains, baby doll blankets, fort walls - and numerous other fun things. 

Then, I strolled the yard and put a little of this and a little of that in a vase. 

(it was in the center - but she moved it with the phrase "this is pretty, but I can't see you.)

It was all about showing her that I was excited she was visiting. 

Well ----- that backfired a bit. 

She was a little skeptical --- what's up with this --- we never do this. 

Yes - Molly you are right - and it was wrong of me that we didn't. 

And the skepticism caused me to feel a little silly in my thinking this would feel special. 

Take another look - - - yup - - - skeptical. 

But I swallowed my awkwardness and went on with the plan. 

We sat down and had a wonderful meal. 

Not fancy, but still special. 

There were laughter and stories. 

We caught up on their comings and goings. 

There were smiles and a retreat into the house as the coolness of dusk arrived. 

It may have been awkward and unusual to go to that effort, but to me it was well worth it. 

See - I didn't die in 2010.

I vowed to live fully and beautifully. 

And an impromptu picnic on a sunny spring day under the pecan trees felt full and beautiful. 

Cancer did not win. 

There will be other opportunities to do fun, unusual, full, beautiful, fun things like this. 

Who knows, I may even hang that white candolier from one of those trees. 

I love my life. 

Gonna keep surprising people. 

You Are My Sunshine

My "thing" for sunrise and sunset

It happened by accident - I think. 

I've always appreciated them

But never celebrated them. 

Then this thing called LIFE could have been taken from me. 

I came so close to death when cancer destroyed my kidney.

There I was - in a hospital bed - with that bag of life sustaining blood dripping slowly into my veins. 

We laughed at the really expensive baby sitter I had watching my vitals, just in case I had an adverse reaction. 

As I stared out the window, I could see the roof top ac units and a sliver of sky. 

As quick as I could get back out of that bed, I walked to a little waiting room with a real view outside.\

I don't remember even thinking about needing to see out, until today. 

I was focused on getting well. 

The people "out there" were just living. 

Just living. 

Two words I vowed to move beyond. 

I vowed to LIVE BEAUTIFULLY

FULLY. 

So today - and everyday - I am trying so hard to do just that.

With some of the people around me - that is easy. 

With others - not so much. 

But I AM TRYING so hard to accomplish this and some of those who should be helping - well unfortunately - they just do not get it. 

It hurts me to realize this fact.

When hours of the same news coverage is all that is watched.

When the very first thing I do is turn on the lights so we are not in darkness (and then turn them on again again again again) 

When the silence is deafening.

When how strong the dread of another day at work is - is the only major thing to talk about.

When saving for a future is never considered.

When "I will" often doesn't happen.

When one absolutely refuses to acknowledge that there is fault on their own part.

When I know they start conversation with a friend using the word "blah" 

O how that hurts me.

But even more than recognizing it, what hurts more is knowing that not doing something about it hurts them.

And even though they know how this hurt - there is an unwllingness to do anything about it. 

And as hard as I tried - I can't do this for them. 

And ....

Well all of that sent me into the place I am at. 

Celebrating - Living - Loving - Improving - Growing

Praising

Recognizing that I have been blessed. 

Yup

I am LIVING BEAUTIFULLY. 

Not "just living"

And I fully intend to keep doing just that. 

Now for some really pretty pictures. 

Sunrises and Sunsets

You are going to keep seeing these.

Just get used to it.

Because - I'm going to be out there.

Looking for things to feel blessed by. 

Celebrating when it happens. 

And someday, maybe, those people who just don't get it,

Maybe they will.

Maybe it won't be too late.

Unfortunately for some things - it already is. 

Paths -----

It does not matter where you have been

Only that you are HERE now. 

I send that message to Brother Boy earlier this week

I said that to the kids in the Youth meeting as we began last night. 

I had asked BB to speak to these kids I love so much.

About his path with alcohol and recovery. 

He was there

Along with his fiance. 

And his dad.

There was chili (always a good sign when people get quiet over food) 

Then that same phrase as a beginning. 

The story poured out over the table. From all of us involved. 

It's his story - its all our story - it's God's story for these lives

laughter at times

Tears at times

Teenagers quiet and yet intently listening. 

None of my normal commenters had words at all. 

The three of them left - I cleaned up.

Tables to be wiped

Trash to take out

Thinking about what was said

And what wasn't

Then the surprise

A conversation with a teen

It mattered.

Brother Boy's testimony struck hard

In a soft and tender spot

Giving hope

After everyone left, I sat in the Sanctuary.

At the piano

Sounding out the notes for Amazing Grace

and Our God is and Awesome God.

I do not play piano.

My notes were halting - timid.

Pages clouded from tears threatening to spill

I was tender

I had heard the story too

I am a part of the story

Yet  - I again was moved by 

God doing what God does. 

See again I was reminded 

It doesn't matter where you have been

It only matters that you are here now. 

God Loves Us.

God Loves Me.

Life is beautiful. 

Irrational Thinking......

I'm not good enough. 

I'm fat.

Look at all this gray. 

Is there something going on I need to know?

I had a really crappy day at work this week. 

The kind that kept me awake ALL night that night. 

Why is it that when you are tired - stressed - struggling, you get irrational. 

Add in a night of no sleeping coming and your mind gets all tangled up in making mountains out of molehills.

My rational brain knew that this was happening. 

But I was powerless to stop it. 

Why is that?

Today is better --- 

Mind - body - emotion. 

All are intertwined. 

Untangling them ---- that's impossible. 

her hearts voice

"Above all the other voices, she listened to her heart".

and that may mean doing things that others do not understand. 

like holding a feather into the light of a glorious sunrise, just because it makes her happy.

or walking to the window to feel the radiant heat of the sun.

or expressing gratitude for the stunning blue grey color of the underwings of a crane.

or lifting a prayer of thanksgiving every time she sees a hawk. 

yes  - these voices are speaking from my heart 

self care

soul care

sharing care

if you don't instinctively understand

she probably cannot even start to explain.

have a wonderful weekend.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

a gift unexpected

Softball Princess is home for a few days. 

I see her Bible in the top of her bag.

With a church bulletin stuck in it, a church near her college campus.

That was a blessing. 

A tiny gift. 

Then last night I asked her about the church. 

About how often she goes. 

Seems she goes regularly. 

Her words

"it's a Baptist church" 

"with contemporary music"

"words on a screen" 

"praise band and such"

"I don't really love it"

??????? - this look from me

"I don't know the songs" 

"Amazing Grace and the Old Rugged Cross - I know those"

"Hymnals - that feels like worship" 

Me - "you should know the words to Amazing Grace and the Old Rugged Cross, 

I sang them as lullabies to you when you were little" 

A smile from my princess

A nod.

Recognition and love in her eyes. 

She said 

"I know - every time I hear them I remember"

That - my friends - was a gift unexpected. 

My name is Mom - I shed tears of deep emotion over that moment.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

why this matters

A childhood friend lost her mama Saturday Night.

Cancer - after a fifteen year fight. 

She was a precious woman. 

She spent years in a difficult marriage and finally walked away. 

Remarried and found a beautiful, beautiful life. 

I looked through pictures this morning. 

This is the one I chose.

Why? 

Because THIS is the woman I knew and loved. 

A wonderful mom. 

Wife to a caring man.

A gentle spirited step mom.

That kind of Grandmother (the one I want to be) 

She remained friends with her ex husband and his family. 

The was forgiveness and joy in her that was visible to everyone she encountered. 

She fought so hard. For so long. And yet she never complained. 

Such a sweet spirit. 

She lived fully - and her's was a beautiful life. 

I have so many memories of this family. 

She will be missed. 

Living beautifully, with forgiveness, gratitude, and joy. 

That's why the flowers are so important. 

It is the symbol of a caring connection with a beautiful life. 

One that includes gratitude, forgiveness, joy, service, thoughtfulness.

These were hand delivered to me this morning.

I know it took time to stop and gather them. 

I know I was being thought of fondly when that was happening. 

I know this matters little to anyone else. 

But my smile is important to someone.

And it matters enough to him to find ways to make that occur.