Yes - this post is in direct correlation to a conversation I've had. Now you know where these thoughts came from.
There is a small, soft, vulnerable place in us all.
Walls protect it.
Some of those walls are well-built.
Some are needed.
Some are hastily tossed around as a quick method of protection. (let's circle the wagons kind of thing)
Some are built as barriers to separate us from others for what ever reason.
And then there is that person who finds a way around - under - over - or through those walls. And they touch that spot.
Those people are necessary in life.
They help us slay demons -
Or they leave a huge gap in that damned wall and let the new demons in.
I've been that person. (good and bad)
I've had those people in my life. (good and bad)
Here is my take on some things ------
On being unfair........ life IS inherently unfair.
Maybe it was the only way the person could handle it.
Doesn't change one damn thing in the outcome.
They can try to explain. (or not)
They attempt to make the the side understand. (or not)
They can attempt to fix the issue(s) (or not)
But if I have already decided they are unfair - I will always have a block to the understanding.
And therein lies a huge part of the problem.
Here is the scoop from where I am --- I have no anger - only acceptance and forgiveness - and moving ahead.
Call me unfair - ok
Call me a liar - ok
Call me uncaring - ok
Call me selfish - ok
Call me regret - ok
Call me any of those ugly things and others - ok
Say I never tried to work on anything - ok
For some time after that last conversation, I was devasted and I was all that ugliness I had been accused of. I had allowed life to be ugly and life is just not ugly. I felt unworthy of grace. Those around me wondered what was wrong because large tears won the battle of wills. But then I let it all out - I allowed myself to feel and respond to those feelings. I replayed it again and again.
I acknowledge that I mishandled things. For that I am sorry. I do hope you (and others I have hurt) will really forgive me.
What I am not sorry of .....
deciding that - in spite of being all kinds of those names above at times - I am worthy of GRACE.
deciding that - in reacting to becoming all of those names above at times - I am worthy of GRACE.
deciding that - I am a sinner - I am a human - I am broken - I am battered - I am all kinds of negative and yet ---- God determined me worthy of GRACE.
again - I do not understand that either - God's been trying to make his people understand for years - and because I have decided that GRACE IS UNFAIR - I will never understand it.
even though I think GRACE IS UNFAIR and accept that because I am human and I do not understand -
I am accepting that GRACE. And in accepting that GRACE, I can move on forward.
I have no anger at my past. I have no anger for those who hurt me, disappointed me, let me down.
I do have the ability to move beyond those mistakes. I also have the ability to realize that hurt people often do the most wounding - we are like that - we want those responsible to feel our hurt. We want them to see our side and in doing so can create even more hurt in them and in ourselves. I have the ability to choose again to be open with people and let them in. I also have the ability to hear that small, soft, vulnerable voice and protect it from further damage, not by building stronger walls, but by adding GRACEFUL reinforcements.
Life is unfair - GRACE IS EVEN MORE UNFAIR - just how great is that.
_______________________________________________________________________________
And in response to one thing tossed out - I've not only asked for forgiveness verbally - I asked in a public forum. - here (the very last line in the post)
Why record these things publicly here at POURING OUT? Because I can remember these lessons and maybe help others see them and learn too.
Now for a quick refresher on LOVE AND GRACE --- go here ---- I read it last night - after VBS and many tears after a hard hard day - and the message made a difference in my outlook again.
No comments:
Post a Comment