Been a while...

The last time I was here was July.

Lots has happened since then. 

And I got side tracked from this space. 

But that is life.

So it's time again to pour out. 

I'm still downsizing things.

Throwing away.

Using.

Giving away. 

Finding ways to effectively store.

Learning more about who I am.

Why I am this way.

Why I really needed to make changes.

And I look for beauty every moment of everyday.

Because you cannot have a lovely silhouette without seeing darkness.....

think about that for a minute. 

From the darkness in my life, rise moments of beauty and let me tell you, I search for that beauty. 

Like below. 

But every now and then you get stuck. 

Focusing on the negative "prickly" parts of living. 

And that is how it happens. 

I get side tracked. 

So then I have to rework my focus again. 

My house is a mess.

This fact is a disappointment to my children.

OH GOD HOW I HATE THAT THEIR MOTHER IS A DISAPPOINTMENT.

I am so sorry girls. 

I'm trying and failing and trying and failing.

over and over and over

And then I get focused on that and then I don't like myself and then I get all overwhelmed and regretful and then and then and then. 

See I got focused on the prickly bits. 

the hurtful and the those cobwebby things that try and hold us all back or get in the way of progressing forward. 

Like that picture below.

If we all could only step back and look at the bigger parts. 

Yes, I need to keep the laundry folded.

But I would rather you see me making a special gift for someone. 

Yes, the Christmas decorating needs to happen.

But first I have to clear the surfaces of crap in order to make the room. 

I promise I'll get there. 

But I beg your patience as I work through the emotional entangled mess that stuff has over me. 

And please reassure me that the progress is appreciated and not just expected. 

I really think that is a large part of many issues.

We just don't take time to appreciate. 

I promise one day, you will want to talk to me.

Having faced the cancer demon and almost losing that battle, I sure hope it won't be too late.

Until then, I'll be searching for moments that make my heart grateful for the new day. 

See that sunrise below -- another chance to get it right.

Clarity comes in unexpected moments.

I failed in many ways

But then there is that moment when reality says.

LOVE WILL WIN.

That clarity that says we all will survive.

And if we each pay attention and live fully in each moment, we will not only survive, we will thrive. 

And by thriving among all the chaos, we will be able to stand taller that before and be an inspiration to others. 

And again the stark darkness will be seen as beautiful when it is surrounded by the light. 

Then there are those moments that are just beautiful. 

Nothing is complicated.

Very little stress surrounding them.

Just simple, graceful, beautiful moments. 

For 2017, those are the ones I am going to attempt to collect. 

I am sure there will be opportunity to deal with negative and stressful and complex and difficult.

But I am really going to try hard to see those lovely ones instead.

Of course folding the laundry might just give me a better view. 

Long range plans are being made.

These plans will make a difference in all our lives, once we all get over the initial shocks of change.

Just look way out there --- beyond the mundane and see the glory ----

I know this all come about jumbled and cryptic.

Because I feel that way right now myself. 

But I am tired of shortchanging me and trying to make everyone happy and seeing nothing but silence, disappointment, and frustration from those in my home. 

Out here - I am different --- out here - I can breathe.

and this last photo has a seriously funny story. 

Returning from deer camp in the early morning light. 

I look to the right and see that glow on the rails. 

I want that photo. 

I want to capture this moment.

I want a way to remember how I feel - right now. 

so.

I pull over - shut the car off - grab the camera and walk back to the tracks. 

I know I am safe because I will hear a train coming or feel the vibration in plenty of time. 

So I meander onto the tracks.

Kneel carefully on a cross tie. 

and proceed to focus my attention though the camera lens.

Just a few moments later, I see flashing blue lights in my peripheral vision.

Looking over my shoulder, I see the young officer carefully approaching me. 

"is everything okay ma'am" 

Yes sir, I'm taking photos of the sunrise in the bend up there.

The relief flooded his face.

He was not going to have to drag a nut case - waiting for the train - from the tracks today.

I processed in my mind what he saw when he approached the crossing, and fully understood his concern. 

Kneeling woman, looked to be in prayer (he couldn't see the camera from his angle), patiently waiting for the train. 

My response.

Yes sir, I am a little crazy, but I am not MENTAL. 

So yes, this photo has the ability to take me right back to that moment of hysterical laughter. 

It's who I am.

It matters that you see me. 

It really matters that you care about me. 

It matters even more that you do NOT try to change me. 

But seeing me, caring about me, and accepting me are not all of it. 

The biggest thing that matters is that you love me even in my darkest of moments. 

Because loving in the good times is way too damned easy. 

Loving in the darkness means stumbling, falling, failing, getting up and trying again. 

It means not knowing the way, yet trying to keep us moving. 

It means a steadying hand when I have stumbled and really do't have the energy to go on. 

It means accepting that we need each other to get through this thing. 

It means that when I am lashing out at everything, because I am frustrated by anything, you simply choose to stand strong. 

And it means that I know when the light comes, you will be there to see it again with me. 

I love you this way. 

You are not alone in this. 

Me.

My friend Patti too this photo.

I was blissfully unaware until she posted it on facebook. 

There was a sweet post with it.

Now - why am I adding to this.

It seems almost completely wrong to do this. 

And then I thought --- no, I want to celebrate where I am - remember where I came from - and maybe ponder where I am going. 

So here goes.

I LOVE my work with those kids at my church.

I started teaching Sunday School in 1992 there - some 24 years ago. 

Wow -- so very long.

I have weathered so many storms since then and yet that simple act of preparing a lesson and sitting in that room over and over every week for all this time has given both me and those kids a stable platform for learning to walk with God. 

Although -- way often -- I stray from the best path. Don't we all.

In years past, there was so much activity in the basement of that tiny little church - now, all too often, I feel like I teach a one-room Sunday School for ages 2 - 50. 

But I digress. 

Storms

Big Damaging ones

Tiny little rain showers

A sprinkle or two

Wind

Snow 

Sunshine too hot to bear

All of those are easy to remember

Let's focus on this picture

Me.

Teaching a child to crochet.

There is so much more than it looks like.

Me talking to her and telling her that yes, there are the "tricks" that I use to make it easier for me.

But her way, the way she feels most comfortable is the best way for her. 

Walking through life is like that.

Aim for love, grace, hope, faith.

Aim to follow the promptings of God in the best way He leads us. 

Wrong turns will happen (some last way too long).

But reality is - we have the option through Jesus to turn back right. 

And to try again to live His teachings.

To form a relationship with him. 

And with these smallest moments - when someone you trust tells you that you are doing just fine, and that you don't have to accomplish everything "their way" - in those moments, we as humans can relax a little and fully be ourselves. 

Maybe that's why the very moment I saw this picture I was able to see myself and be gentle with her. 

The moment I saw this picture - I was able to say - wow, she really is beautiful. 

Then I realized - wait, wow, you just said that to yourself. 

In the moment captured below, I really did feel beautiful.

And Charlie ---- you my sweet friend are beautiful too. Don't let anyone in the world ever convince you otherwise. 

trespassing ---- you know i went inside.

Doors ajar. Seems like an invitation to me. 

I cautiously entered the building. 

And I gasped when I saw this. 

Not the dust filled, drab space I expected. 

Brilliant blue-green upper walls.

Pale pink below a wainscot. 

Light flooded the space, from those beautiful windows.

Just look. 

The next picture is a much better representation of the blue green color. 

The sanctuary was clean. This was a very big surprise for me.

Sure there is disrepair, but someone cares enough about the old building to clean it. 

I was quiet. The still space had a reverent air to it. I couldn't help but be in awe because of the lack of  vandalism. 

These photos are enough to cause me pause again. 

The ceiling is coming down in several places and you can see the wall damage in a few places as well. 

There were unexplained things that were almost eerie. 

See the pink glow on the ceiling over the back window. there was NOTHING pink inside or outside to explain the glow. I must have taken 15 shots before I got this one that picked it up. 

The column on the right is holding up the falling in area of the ceiling. 

And notice - the new looking silk arrangement on the altar.

The back of the pews appear to be one board. 

This one caught my eye with a crack all the way across. Irregular, following the grain, which confirms the single "really wide" board theory.  And the painted color was so pretty with the walls. 

Another view. 

The lighting was amazing.

Near the pulpit area this linoleum "rug" anchored the area. 

Slightly faded, but the florals were still vibrant. 

Details excite me. Especially those that seem to hold meaning. 

A single silk bloom from some long ago arrangement. 

Left on a bench in a church. 

This sighting touched my very core.

I can almost see that one person, alone, pouring heart out to God while sitting here. 

(and notice those saw marks) 

I may have pecked out Amazing Grace on the piano.

 One window had a curtain. Go ahead zoom this - no major dust bunnies or spider webs

just a pretty view out the back.

Picnic tables by the cemetery.

Wonder how many people heard the gospel in that pew. 

Look at that worn finish.

As surprised as I was about an open, abandoned appearing building not being vandalized.

And surprised about how clean it was inside. 

This last photo depicts the biggest surprise. 

The altar.

Covered in a clean lace cloth.

With a note.

And an offering basket. 

With money in it. 

As if they are expecting people to enter. To find what I did. To worship for just a few minutes in their own manner. 

A simple request to help restore the building if you are so led. 

Well you know I added my donation. 

Next time we will explore the grounds. 

Just a moment of Beauty.

ALLOW HOPE TO GROW ALONGSIDE YOUR WISHES.

COLLECT BLESSINGS ALONG THE WAY. 

REMEMBER THE RAINBOW COMES WHEN THE RAIN ENDS.

LEAVING TINY DROPS OF SPARKLE AMONG THE WEEDS. 

THEN VIEW THE WEEDS AS IF THEY ARE 

WISHFLOWERS.

PHOTO BY ME. 

MY HOW I LOVE THIS CAMERA 

Church in the Wildwood

"There's a church in the valley by the wildwood,"

An afternoon riding the 4 Wheeler.

With the person who knows how much I LOVE old buildings.

We wind up at this old church in Taliafero County, GA.

I was immediately taken by the building and grounds. 

We will start today outside.

I took way too many photos for just one post. 

We parked under the canopy of the most massive pine tree I think I have ever seen. 

I hopped off and grabbed the camera. 

Photos started immediately.

Details I noticed immediately.

It looks abandoned, but the grass is cut around the church and in the cemetery.

The building is suffering from damage, but is at a point that it could be restored.

I'm pretty sure that I've got the most fabulous best friend in the world, with the Crusty Old Guy.

As I walked up I then noticed 

The windows match the vent area in the center front. 

How stunning will this be with those shakes restored.

This would be a beautiful building to live in. 

Oh look at that rust on the tin.

(dang I love me some rusty worn stuff.)

A different angle shows something that Crusty Old Guy pointed out. The two tower rooflines are not the same. 

(Does anyone know the why of that?)

And look at the slight curvature of the porch roof. (Swoon) 

Notice the single door to the right. There is one on the left as well.

As he explored the grounds, I eased up on the porch.

Let the trespassing begin.

I was very cautious. Testing each step up and across carefully. 

Loving that slight pink tint to the double doors.

Antioch Baptist Church

Founded 1886

( checking the history of the church, this building was erected in 1899)

And look, that door is slightly ajar.

(those who know me well know that YES, I went in)

The back of the church has that little addition area. This is the pulpit area and obviously had a different roofline in the past. 

I really LOVE those windows. 

One last detail for today.

Those single doors on either side of the porch.

Restrooms - and quite clearly marked. Handwritten.

If I were to restore this building, I would leave that detail.

If this were a salvaged door, I would use it for a bathroom door and once again I would leave that handwritten detail. 

would you?

Next time we will take a good look around inside ---

Remarkable isn't it. 

Thanks Crusty Old Guy for taking me to visit this place. 

And, because my sunrise and sunset pictures are my claim to fame, here's a beauty ---

Scenes from the Slow Moving Train

I haven't poured me out here in a very long time.

Been still.

Focused on my health a LOT. 

Especially since a new health side trip , left me with some more eating restrictions. 

And now I just found out that those new "keep my kidney healthy" eating guidelines, have led to needs for additional other foods to offset the shortages or vitamins and minerals. Such a fine line to follow. 

But --- the blockages are gone - the new eating guidelines are working and I'll take the next turn on this journey with the attitude I've taken the others with. 

Still - each day I search for beauty. 

Like those brilliant pink blooms in the photo above. 

April will find me paring down my craft "stash" --- I hope to make a dent in that project as I continue to USE, DONATE, TRASH, SELL items from the stash. The sketchbook is full, only time remains the one short ingredient. 

But the orange blaze in the evening sky will call me. And even if time is in short supply, I will pause and savor those moments. 

Love the silhouetted branches against that sky. 

As I am "not even"  a morning person, honoring the commitment to PRAISE GOD FOR EACH NEW DAY, continues to draw me from bed early. Seeking the beauty of the sun as she creeps into the day. 

Many mornings it is just me and birds and a few cattle grazing as she slowly fills the sky with colors. 

And I am quite alright with that. This is alone time --- not the loneliest of times. 

There is time for makes as well. 

Things to celebrate the coming of little ones. 

The adding of a bride or groom to families. 

And since I am now pretty much in charge of the decorating for all of the "shower events" at church, I am creating and using and packing up in an organized fashion, of all the stuff I have gathered over these years. 

The blanket above was deemed "mommy's blanket" even though I made for a new baby about to join us. 

In the midst of a failed sunrise morning, I took this. 

Makes me think of my mama.

She loves the trees, bare of leaves, against an unmarked sky. 

Then there was this day.

Five trailer loads of wood. Cut, split, loaded, unloaded, stacked. 

Firewood warms you several times.

But we got it done all in one day. 

Four men - one me - hard work - no griping by me - can't say that about one of the guys. 

But let me tell you ----- I slept great that night. 

I found love in the sunrise as well. 

A happy little discovery.

I was taking those Silhouette images that I adore so much, reviewing them on the screen, the little heart was just THERE.

And this image just makes my heart sing.

It too was a happy accident. 

The camera focused on the tiny tendrils caught in the barbed wire. 

Such contrast - the hard detail of the fence wire - the delicate vine tendrils - and the softness of the background.  

Just a cool image.

And serenity. 

I am finding that I don't mind time spent truly ALONE.

What I do mind is feeling ALONE and LONELY when there is a person or people around me. 

The image above is an image from a Saturday morning walk. 

Humid mist hanging low to the ground. 

It's a calm and refreshing image to me. 

I can hear the birdsong and a distant woodpecker as I see this again. 

This one from another morning.

I park the car.

Get out and stroll the area - looking for the framing of the photo that seems to fit me. 

I don't mind the dampness.

The cold.

Even rain.

or Sweat. 

I am focused on the view. 

And the story it is telling me. 

Then there is that moment

The one that makes you remember

Remember to be thankful.

Remember that you still have value.

Remember that you are worthy of HIS love and grace. 

And I ALWAYS softly speak gratitude aloud in those moments. 

I had read (on Facebook) so you know it had to be true. 

That the pines display the cross near Easter (you can read a story about this here .)

Well, I had never known this, and I love a great, passed down story) 

I have been searching and watching and hoping I would see this phenomena for myself.

Saturday was drizzly, icky, and I was driving home when I spotted the first one. 

Easter weekend - mind you. 

And there they were --- the Easter crosses in the pine trees.

so of course there was the whole 

turn car around

go back

find a place to park

wander across the field

(yes - trespassing - but I justified it by saying I was praising God) 

and getting soaked as I took photos of those crosses. 

the pines really do know it is Easter. 

There are few photos of me on this sight. 

Funny, for a blog that is really kind of intimate in how I reveal my thoughts, I don't show very many pictures of me. 

But here is one from Easter Sunday. 

After our Easter Cantata performance. 

The very first Easter with neither of my girls there.

A hard day. 

But this guy was there. 

Singing behind me in the choir. 

And his Daughter and most of her family. 

Thank you, Laurie for taking this picture. 

And so many friends who have helped me along this journey. 

Those who are still helping me along this journey. 

I am blessed --- I am blessed --- I am blessed. 

SO SORRY ---- DID NOT MEAN TO DISAPPEAR.

TIME PASSES.

GETS AWAY FROM US.

WORK. CHURCH. WORKOUT. PLAY.

MAKE.MAKE.MAKE.

ALL WONDERFUL - ALL BEING DOCUMENTED AT MY INSTAGRAM

AND MY FACEBOOK. (IT IS JUST SO DANGED EASY)

BUT I AM TAKING TIME TO STOP AND ENJOY THE HAWKS THAT LIVE NEAR ME.

BIG GUYS WHO THINK THEY OWN THE WHOLE PLACE.

AND SINCE GOD TAKES CARE OF THEM, I GUESS THEY DO. 

I LOVE THE STRENGTH AND GRACE THEY HAVE IN THE SKY.

THE WATCHFULNESS AND PATIENCE THEY REPRESENT. 

THE WAY THEY WEATHER THE STORMS.

I LOOK FORWARD TO THE PERSONAL MESSAGE THAT SEEING THEM GIVES ME.

LIKE A REQUESTED SIGN THAT GOD IS THERE WITH ME.

I'M GLAD I HAVE THEM NEAR ME.

I SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN THE QUIET. 

WORKING. 

PONDERING.

RELAXING.

WORKING ON ME.

AND THINGS. 

RARELY COMPLETELY STILL

BUT IN A PEACEFUL PLACE IN MY HEAD. 

WANTING TO KNOW THAT WHEN I DIE - PEOPLE WILL MISS ME. 

YOU KNOW - THAT MY BEING GONE WILL LEAVE A VOID SOMEWHERE.

AND YET KNOWING THAT LIFE WILL GO ON WITHOUT ME. 

I SURE HOPE MY GIRLS WILL THINK OF ME WITH EVERY SUNRISE AND EVERY SUNSET. 

AND WHEN EVER THEY SEE A HAWK CIRCLE ABOVE THEM 

I CONTINUE MY PHOTOGRAPHY. 

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT, RIGHT? 

IT'S SO REWARDING TO SEE THE IMAGES COME UP ON MY BIG SCREEN AND IT BE THAT MOMENT CAPTURED.

I FEEL THE TEMPERATURE.

THE HUMIDITY.

HEAR THE TRAFFIC FROM THAT MOMENT.

SCENTS. MOOD. 

THE STONE FACED LADY ABOVE, I HAVE TAKEN HER PHOTO IN BRIGHT SUN.

CLOUD COVER.

90 DEGREE TEMPS

30 DEGREE TEMPS 

SHE NEVER CHANGES HER EXPRESSION

BUT EACH PHOTO BRINGS ME RIGHT BACK TO THE MOMENT IT IS CAPTURED.

LOVE IT. 

IN ADDITION TO SKYLINE SUNRISE AND SUNSET PHOTOS, I AM DRAWN TO SILHOUETTE SHOTS OF COMMON ITEMS.

NOT SURE WHY, BUT THESE ARE BECOMING SOME OF MY FAVORITE IMAGES. 

MY MOM LOVES THEM TOO. 

AND SPEAKING OF MY MOM ----

THE PHOTO ABOVE MAY BE ONE OF MY FAVORITE. 

YEARS AGO, ON JULY 4TH WEEKEND, MY FAMILY TRAVELLED TO THE MOUNTAINS.

BECAUSE MY DAD PROMISED US GIRLS.

I LEARNED TO SPELL "NO" ON THAT TRIP.

WE COULD NOT FIND A PLACE TO STAY. AND EVERYONE WAS TIRED AND FRUSTRATED. 

WE ENDED UP STAYING AT A PLACE THAT EVEN MAMA COULD NOT REMEMBER WHERE IT WAS.  

ONLY THE NAME OF IT. 

SO - I BOUGHT A NEW CAR THIS PAST AUGUST.

AND ON A RAINY SATURDAY, I TOOK MY MAMA ON A ROAD TRIP.

WE LAUGHED - WE THRIFTED - JUNKED - ATE. - EVEN FOUND A YARN STORE. 

NEAR THERE ----

AS WE PASSED PISGAH VIEW CHURCH

SHE SAID "HOW DID YOU FIND IT?"

MY QUESTION BACK

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU GUYS FIND IT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT? 

IT WAS DRIZZLY AND COOL THAT DAY, BUT AS WE CROSSED THE LITTLE FOOTBRIDGE OVER THE CREEK, THE MEMORIES I THOUGHT MIGHT JUST BE CREATED IN MY MIND FROM THE STORIES, PROVED TO BE TRUE.

DETAILS FILLED IN.

WE WANDERED THE GROUNDS OF PISGAH VIEW RANCH, REMEMBERING. 

I SNAPPED THAT PHOTO.

LOCKING THAT MEMORY INTO MY BRAIN (AND CAMERA) 

A FABULOUS DAY FOR TAKING THAT NEW CAR ON A ROADTRIP. 

I AM SO GLAD I TOOK THE TIME.

I DON'T HAVE TO PONDER --- EVERY SUNRISE, EVERY SUNSET, EVERY CROCHET STITCH, EVERY VINTAGE DISH, EACH TIME I PULL THAT QUILT UP ACROSS MY SHOULDER, YES EVERY ONE OF THOSE THINGS AND THOUSANDS MORE WILL CAUSE ME TO REFLECT ON HOW MUCH I LOVE MY MAMA. 

I'LL BE BACK SOON --- 

REMEMBER ----

LIFE IS CRAZY BEAUTIFUL