God - how often I cried

i cried.

in the shower

so no one would know

I dealt with the guilt

can you imagine?

guilt

i thought it was ALL my fault

if that scar wasn't there - he would still touch me

if I was smaller - thinner - less wrinkled - less grey - younger - prettier

(why do we do this to ourselves)

I bravely dealt with paying off this 

paying off that

when i wasn't crying

i begged

please reach for me

and lying in a hospital bed saying "come lay here with me" 

only to hear "Im okay in this chair"

sarcasm - I have used that weapon so often it is second nature

then let's toss in there

buying this and that - looking for the next "THING" to fill that empty as hell place in my soul

hearing a friend say "you have to do everything you can to keep it together, for your girls" 

and taking that advice to heart

oh God the damned silence

here's the reality 

I am guilty too

But last night - everyone in the bed.

me slipping into the darkness of a warm, humid evening. 

i realized what I would tell those girls

and that is to fight for goodness

work for happiness

pray forgiveness

always understand that loving someone 

is not the same as accepting the behavior

and that you absolutely MUST grow some every single day. 

I screwed up some things royally

God knows - how often that made me cry. 

perspective......

I chase it. 

the sunrise.

the sunset.

tiny moments of gifts.

blessings.

gratitudes. 

and i'm hiding a big secret. 

somedays.

somedays - this is hard to do. 

I watched the premiere of the new series "Chasing Life" 

I was not prepared for the moment -

the moment when April is given the news that she has cancer.

Softball Princess was sitting on the sofa intently watching me - 

a single intake of breath - a solitary tear.

i was immediately back there

in that office where that word was hung in the air by the urologist. 

I watched the rest of the program

and close to the end, April visits her father's grave 

saying that she may be seeing him soon.

and you could see the moment she decides 

but not TOO soon. 

and I recommitted to my promise to God and myself 

So here i still am 

CHASING THIS BEAUTIFUL LIFE!!!

Last night

on the way home

storm clouds gathered. 

a deep emotional conversation had occurred over a glorious meal.

now bantering back and forth. 

I saw the sunset glow below the clouds.

grabbed the phone and started. 

rain

and sunshine

my mama would say

"devil's beating his wife"

as I'm talking about how pretty. 

my chauffeur remarked casually

"i like those up there" 

and i raised the lens to capture the bright glow against the blue skies

ABOVE the storm. 

the picture above is his "beautiful moment"

the picture below is mine.

both are beautiful

both are grace filled

dramatically different perspectives

from almost the same vantage point.

and you know what

that is completely ok. 

as i started writing this my sister in love for all these years called.

father's day gathering being planned

we spoke of the difficulty with certain "events" for various people 

and how they choose to deal with it

there is no right or wrong way

everyone has to get through things their own way

acceptance - love - grace - blessings

why can't we all just see 

that these words give us a way

to help ourselves and others

catch this beautiful life

I love life

life is beautiful

I'm on my way forward

I am not the same person I was yesterday.

I dang sure am not the same as I was  30 years ago.

I won't be the same tomorrow

and 

I am sorry that this hurts others

i accept that they are doing things the way they can

I love them any way

I graciously understand that this is the way they are

I give them my blessings to continue on their own path.

and i so hope they can give me those same four lines in return. 

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

What Happened?

This one is difficult to write.

Some of it I cannot even explain to myself.

That feeling - the gnawing, pit of your stomach, almost back of your throat closed off, can't breathe, don't want to look, but have to feeling. Got the picture?

I've struggled with things for years. My relationship with my mother. My sister. Losing my Dad to an accident. Anorexia - then being overweight. Trying to make right decisions as a Mom. Planning for blindsiding emergencies. Debt. Loneliness even though I had a husband. Cancer. Debt. Actually you can insert debt at almost every period. And one that has come to mind recently --- being manipulated - controlled (call it whatever the hell you want to).

Anyway - I allowed a lot of it to occur. Because I was scared.

So lets get to some of the things that I faced and took my own control of.

My mama and I have formed (and continue to form) a strong, accepting, loving relationship. (I have NOT sent my Sister the "she's your mother today" text in a LONG LONG time)

My sister and I sent one another today's sunrise - a sign that we are closer than ever before. This is a good thing.

I'll always miss my Daddy and that's ok.

Anorexia - I still fear it. Being overweight - I still fight it. But in healthier ways today. 

Parenting - those girls are great young ladies. I still hope I did some things right. And I pray so hard that they understand and accept that I made EVERY decision out of love for them. 

Blindsiding emergencies - it freaking sucks in every way to find out that the property taxes have not been paid. It is so very embarrassing to talk to debt collectors to work out a plan for paying them. It is horrid to have to get permission from the person responsible for those collection calls in order to work out the payment plan --- yes - I paid off debt incurred in his name after collection call after call --- the lady I worked with was really good to me though. And trying to plan for those kinds of things was awful. 

Loneliness - let's just say - I cried a LOT of tears in the shower so nobody knew. 

Cancer - read through the archives - that journey is WELL documented. 

Debt - can you say it again - let's address round two of that. Asked for 20.00/week to help with saving for the blind siding - that was NEVER important. I repeat NEVER. Unless I cried, cussed, stomped, bitched, threatened, whatever! - then there was cooperation with some of the requests for a short period of time. Find out that pawning items to pay bills was a method to use instead of opening communication and working together towards solutions - can you say "hiding" the symptoms of the issue. Only recently have the records been coming into the house - before they were either tossed or kept at work so I had no easy way to check things. 

Now lest you think this is some HOLIER THAN THOU RANT - let me say - I have over extended myself, wasted much money trying to fill voids in my soul, and,  after many years of beating my head against the wall, did my own share of hiding things. I take full responsibility for my part in the failures and the hell that became part of that. I have screwed up royally. I am also trying like hell to fix that. And I have been successful in a lot of ways. 

That was a whole lot of venting to get to the real issue I am working through right now. 

Being CONTROLLED AND/OR MANIPULATED

I am basically a pleaser. I just want things to run smooth without conflict. I am learning more about this tendency every single day. I also come across as brazen and bold and confident and outspoken. Just about as far from easily controlled as you can get. 

The following phrase was thrown at me and then came up in a conversation recently - 

I NEVER TRIED TO CONTROL YOU. I LET YOU DO WHAT YOU WANTED. 

Well ..... maybe that is what you thought .... or maybe what you want to believe about yourself. 

Here is my analysis of myself (and certain disfunctional relationships- plural is important - this is NOT all about you - there are lots of them)

Go back to that "pleaser" word. I know this about myself and have confessed that to several people who either through passive aggressive intentional means - or just had no idea I took it this way, make feel like you tried to control me. 

You're a big girl, you can decide. (then in turn add - but if it were me, this is what I think) 

           I am a pleaser, I want no conflict, so your way wins.

I don't care what we eat, you decide. (then I decide and you twist up your nose and I rethink and try to get that look off your face)

         I am a pleaser, I will work at a decision until you look like you agree.

Me - I would really like to go sit somewhere and eat (then you say, what would people think) 

        I'm a pleaser, and you pick up lunch and we do that your way too. 

Me - what the hell happened with my painter? (then you say "I told him I didn't know how we were going to pay him. then you say, I'll get the damned house painted) 

        I'm a pleaser, that was a long time ago. That damned bakery at commerce got painted, staffed, and is 

        now closed. I am still waiting. Your way wins again. 

Wear your hair anyway you like (then you say - women past a certain age shouldn't wear long hair, it makes them look older)

       I'm a pleaser, so I kept it short. You win. 

I can go on and on. 

Then something happened ---- cancer first ----- then a friendship

And I am forced into doing something I am not accustomed to doing ----- making real decisions for myself and for the partnership.

A relationship that didn't feel that way -------

One who says "what cha want to eat?" and then refuses to let me get by with "it don't matter". One who says "I picked yesterday" - One who laughs because the first one I list is where we eat, because it was first on the list and I was just going logistically down the street. So I no longer do it that way. I literally pick what I want. Then sometimes I get to try something new and different because they pick too. 

Me - what do you think about this? "I think it is your decision" - then nothing else no I think, I would, you should. 

Me - been years since I had a long gun in my hands. "it doesn't matter if you hunt or not, you pick. sit by the fire, nap, whatever - its about relaxing and enjoying yourself" 

Then there is the conflict resolution part. that is a totally separate post material.

This all is SO very uncomfortable for that "pleaser" part of me. But then, the parts of me that know the manipulation is a problem, I start to understand what healthy feels like. What forward progress looks like. What FINALLY paying off that loan I have had for so long feels like. What working alongside feels like. What standing beside someone during loss feels like. What making sure we are "on-time" for family viewing is about. What breaking into a house and moving the furniture feels like. (not theft - Melissa needed it done). 

What visiting an old friend in the nursing home before it gets too late feels like. What jumping up, throwing on shoes with my pajamas and chasing a sunrise feels like. What moving feels like. 

Yes - I know - some of my decisions have been wrong. Some of them that have been so right for me are hurtful to others. Some of them cause people to shake their heads in disgust and or awe. But the thing is, they are my decisions (mistakes too) and I am not sorry for making most of them. 

and if you do not understand me then here is my explanation for that. 

However, I am obligated to take care of myself. 

And that includes ignoring the advice to "do everything you can to save this." Because dammit - it wasn't all my fault - I just wanted everyone to be pleased and I'm sorry I couldn't make that happen. 

As for that whole sending invitations to my midlife crisis - I'm getting those ready to mail.

Rest in Peace

I was blessed to know him. 

I was blessed to help care for him. 

I was blessed to love him. 

and 

I am not the only person who was touched by him.

So many people stopped to pay their respects. 

To offer encouragement and condolences for the loved ones left behind. 

Rest In Peace

Dorsey T Rich

Go rest high on that mountain.

********************************************

Now a word of advice. 

DO NOT PUT IT ASIDE.

I heard so many times yesterday

He cut my hair when I was little.

I remember him cutting my Dads hair.

When my Dad was sick, he came to the house to cut his hair.

I used to drop by the Barber shop just to visit, if he was alone, I often found him studying his ss lesson.

I came through Royston the other day and thought, "I should stop and see Dorsey"

If someone made a difference in your life (or a loved one's life), by all means take the time to let them know.

Even if you think they won't remember you.

Even if you really did not KNOW them yourself. 

It does not have to be a lengthy visit.

Or a visit at all, even a card will do. 

I had some one tell me about a man once, "he was so good to my Mama"

My response "call him- or drop by and see him - just tell him THANK YOU" 

As of right now, I don't think that has happened. 

Coulda - woulda - shoulda

those words frustrate me. 

Are we really too busy to take a few minutes and make a phone call?

Send a card? 

Drop by? 

Send a flower? 

 OR 

have we simply lost sight of encouraging people by letting them know that it matters

********************************

Helen Duncan - ended a visit with us the other afternoon with a phrase that I may adopt.

Frail - body stooped over - voice barely audible

She spoke softly as she hugged me.

"I appreciate you"

Three words that require no long term visit or commitment, but they convey so much encouragement, so much grace, and kindness. 

Just think about it. 

And do not put off letting someone know that they made a difference.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL