Why.....

Picture has not ONE thing to do with this post. 

Every day I feel like it's uphill.

And that I cannot breathe.

And I look back at old journals and I do not remember ever not feeling like this.

I'm sad. Deep in my heart sad. 

I keep trying to hold it all together. 

But since there is no talking about hard stuff. 

I'm doing this shit alone too. 

 So I've become silent. 

See as has been written clearly here.

I'm a pleaser.

we gonna do this your way.

right up 'til I explode.

I'm sad.

AND 

I'm tired.

And those damned circles on the ceiling. 

well I'm not really excited about counting them again.

Why I participated in the ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE.

Imagine. 

You are a college professor.

Looking to upgrade your bathrooms to accommodate the illness you have just been diagnosed with.

You have entered a showroom to select your items.

When you realize that "nature" is calling. 

And you suddenly also cannot unzip your pants. 

Swallow your pride and ask the showroom salesperson for help. 

Or you can't lift that grandchild to hold him (her) because your arms are completely paralyzed. 

So you sit and ask the little blessing to snuggle in beside you. 

And silently pray that he did not inherit this horrible disease. 

Or you find yourself bound to a chair.

Your husband of many years does as much as he can to keep you comfortable.

Even getting up every two hours at night, to turn you, because you cannot turn yourself over. 

ALS - like cancer and so many other illnesses - has no real boundaries. 

and ALS - like cancer and so many other illnesses - is a family disease.

That diagnosis is a sentence to life changes for EVERY single member of the circle. 

See, I was that showroom sales person.

I watched another friend silently pray that her family did not inherit this.

I see Sue every Sunday at lunch as she maneuvers that chair to the table. 

This is why I took the challenge and dropped my tiny donation amount into the mail today. 

There are those who take it because it is the popular "viral" thing to do today. 

There are those who are not taking it for whatever reason. 

And I cannot find any fault with those decisions.

Each person must decide for themselves how to approach ANY charitable donations. 

Many pro life advocates are protesting because of ONE research program funded by a SINGLE DONOR through ALSA.org. that is using embryiotic stem cells. And the possibility that 

I admire their convictions and would encourage them (along with the catholic church) to still donate to the ALS research through alternative groups such as  The John Paul Medical Reasearch Institute

Others are objecting because of drought areas and/or the lack of available clean water in many places. This too gives us an opportunity to help by donating to groups dedicated to providing help in those areas as well. 

UMCOR (United Methodist Committee on Relief) has a donation directive straight to Water and Sanitation. 

I add these comments only to say. Those who respectfully disagree with a cause based on their own convictions and are stating that clearly and concisely,  have my respect and support as well.

The fact is - the viral nature of this Ice Bucket Challenge is bringing much needed attention to a disease that affects many in such a horrible manner. Stripping it's victims of their health and often their dignity. As of today there is no cure and the symptoms are often barely controlled with modern medicinal approaches. 

I chose to participate.

I chose to donate. 

I chose to pray for. 

I chose to recognize.

I chose to love. 

I chose to respect. 

I chose because.

I KNOW SUE.

Bless you courageous lady. 

There are no clear paths .....

dead.

really?

I think not.

Sure those things in the picture have finished their current season.

But they are far from dead.

Each one of those little "balls" contains seeds

100's of them.

Just waiting for the conditions to be right.

They need the weather to cycle - hot -cold - rain - dry

They may need help - a bird to scatter the seed. 

Maybe just the right breeze.

But again - in the spring - life will emerge from those things you just called dead.

dead

really?

I think not. 

I'm not dead either. 

and i am not ready to give up on the arrival of spring. 

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I took the time today to read every single post in this blog again. I have been crying ever since I did. 

Every word here was written from my perspective - uncensored  - over a long time. Only in the reading of it as a whole story is the truth visible to me. 

a wise man once told me ---

there is your side of the story

there is the other side of the story

the real story lies somewhere between the two. 

problem is - in the silence there is no story told. 

downtime -----

vacation

beach time

salt, sand, surf

naps

FOOD

sunrises

sunsets

beauty

rest

relax

create

laugh

ride

look

see

yes - it was a great week. 

Now for some outtakes (fun stories)

********************************************************

I set the alarm for 5AM every single day. Got up. push the button one the coffeepot. Go back to bed and wait for it to be ready. It was the principle of being able to say I pushed the button every morning. 

(laugh) 

Ran across this yard art place. That is one BIG chicken. There was also a 795.00 price tag attached to that bird.  Actually there were large price tags on most of this yard art and I have not quite figured out how to transport or display a life sized giraffe figurine. 

I watched the morning star fade - every single day. 

I watched the sun rise - every single day.

I walked hours on the beach every evening picking up "angel wing" shells.

The photo above was taken especially for Chancey. He wants to reincarnate as the Flight Leader of a pelican squadron. They were AMAZING to watch. Just how can that big of a bird be that graceful in flight?

I took my sanity suitcase with me with the idea of finishing up the little stitchies for Grateful Hope. I finished those and then had this moment of creative inspiration. 

I wanted a sunrise memory to take back with me. 

Mind you, this suitcase has ONLY scraps, bits,  and leftovers of floss. 

So I took a good look and thought I could pull this off. Then I was on a mission to make a sunrise stitchie bit. No pattern. Just inspiration. 

Take a close look - this stitchie includes traditional cross stitch, blended floss stitching, and under stitching (layered cross stitches). I have no idea why, but I also happen to have a spool of sparkly blending filament in there, look at the waves closely - there are sparkles of light. 

I was very happy with how this turned out. 

Once I finished all of those stitchie bits for Grateful Hope, I took them and staged this little assemblage. These will become something else, but I wanted this documented. And it gave me a little advertising picture for the retreat. Happy with this too. 

And last, but not least some little tidbit quotes from the week. 

"not a chance in hell"

"why do outhouses have a crescent moon cutout in the door"

"her thong said SPANK ME"

"i'm kinda funny about who I let hold my doodle and I promise you I have never doodled anyone to death"

********************************************

it was a beautiful week and I brought back a few things including some darker skin and new freckles.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.