one word --- recap and new word.

A praying hawk.

About the photo. I've been collecting cell phone sunrises and sunsets for a long time now. I also LOVE hawks. The day we lost Andrew, the sunset was glorious, but I didn't have any desire to take that picture. Blessings were hard to see at that moment. That evening I got a facebook message from my Aunt Becky, inquiring about my well-being and telling me how much she enjoyed the sunrises and sunsets that I posted. (I've not heard from Becky in many years - coincidence - I don't think so) Others thanked me that night for my photos and my general positive outlook and spoke of me being inspiring to them. Then a Christmas card from a longtime friend spoke of them as well.  In conversation with my Partner in Crime (aka Crusty Old Guy who also loved Andrew), I was sharing these events and said - maybe I need to seriously collect sunrise sunset photos. So as we were leaving the funeral home to go the graveside, he presented me with a new camera and said "this should make the collecting easier." That hawk photo above was taken from well over 100 yards across a field. I'm not sure where I'll be going with this collecting, but I sure do love the camera. I took some of my Christmas money and added a tripod to the mix. Look for many more "moments" being recorded. 

I chose the word INTENTION for 2014

I needed an action inducing word, but one that required thought and not just reacting to the events around me.

I got exactly what I asked for. 

Much change occurred in 2014.

Some good.

Some .... well you know how that works. 

I've cleaned parts of my house with INTENTION and so much stuff is gone.

I've been much more INTENTIONAL about decisions in my life and that is a very good thing. 

I've made financial decisions with INTENTION.

Health decisions.

Relationship decisions. 

It's been a good year for me. 

2015 is almost here.

I've a plan to collect some things.

I've a plan to create some things.

I've a plan to move forward with some things. 

And in studying and pondering and wandering and worrying

I have chosen the word that keeps haunting me. 

For 2015 I will

SEEK

I will SEEK 

better health

better living

more beauty

ways to accomplish goals

better relationships

more grace

more strength

growth

I will seek purpose

joy

time

kindness / and ways to be kind

Opportunity to be generous

wisdom

SO many things to SEEK

And I'm betting by the end of 2015 - all this seeking might just lead me to finding out more about myself

Go ahead - pick a word for yourself. 

and

since you are here

enjoy the sunrise

Merry Christmas

I am vulnerable right now.

My attitude about Christmas as the celebration of excess is negative. 

Gimme stuff, shopping for stuff, gifting of stuff

decorate the tree, wrap the stuff, sit together under that tree and open the stuff

throw away the packaging and wrapping of the stuff

watch as the stuff gets tucked in a drawer - ignored

watch as the stuff gets - set on a shelf  - to collect dust. 

Stuff. 

Last week we lost a loved one. 

Friday we paid our respects to one of the most gracious families I know. 

Saturday, we said goodbye to that loved one. 

Sunday morning found me standing at his grave.

Coming to terms with how this has affected me. 

Then later singing the praises of the newborn King to an audience

that included the Strickland family. 

I cannot begin to describe how it felt to turn around and see them. 

But these words come to mind

Beauty

Sadness

Peace

Struggle

Love

Commitment

Fear

Uncertainty

Faith

Full

Grace

Then the program

and a little Angel kneeling over a doll in a handmade manger

Symbolizing that even the Angels worshipped the new King. 

A teenager playing Mary

who really had no desire to portray that character

(but much like the real Mary made the choice to do this for Jesus)

A man who fought back through addiction portraying Joseph

(a man that I love very much who gave he and his dad a chance at relationship)

(and much like Joseph had no idea what his family was going to look like) 

A merry stage of misfits choosing to sing the good news

(I am one of those misfits - and I am blessed to be a child of the King) 

A room full of observers.

Some full of beauty and grace.

Some wandering in darkness and confusion

Some even cynical at this time

Here's where I am this Christmas

Broken

Blessed

Fearful

Trying

Going through the motions

Wishing things were different

Wondering what happens next

Trying to move forward in life

Battered

Bruised

Sad

Happy

Wanting for something more meaningful

Searching for something

Not knowing what that something might be. 

And as I write this, I realize that those characters

in the reality of the Christ Child's Birth

so many years ago.

They were just like I am today.

Uncertain of the significance

of the future

of the plan

But knowing that life is miraculous

and that the Christ Child is come. 

We all need the Saviour

He's here.

Listen.

Respond. 

GRACE

LET'S ALL GIVE THAT TO ONE ANOTHER.

Gone - but not forgotten

The blessings were hard to find at that moment. 

Slowly we are finding them again.

These are our kids.

Jones Chapel's kids.

That's ANDREW STRICKLAND in the white t-shirt and sunglasses. 

He had a ready smile.

A kindness about him

An appreciation for life that one gets when you fight illness from childhood. 

He was sick.

Then a miracle. A liver was available. The transplant was happening

and he was soon recovering and looking forward to being home for Christmas.

Yesterday - emails - texts

An infection.

ICU

Fear.

and last night his precious family and all of us who love him

had to tell Andrew goodbye. 

The blessings were hard at that moment and the moments that follow

But slowly God sends reassurance that we are in HIS care.

Maybe the reassurance is immediate

Only our ability to see it is slow.

We want to know why.

We want our small view of the situation to be clear.

We want to make sense of losing a 17 year old

One of the really good kids in the world. 

I found my reassurance in words that Andrew posted on his Instagram account

We all have days where 

we feel we can't survive. 

Sometimes dreams are shattered

Friendships may fall apart

Loved ones may hurt us

Finances may worry us

Sickness may overtake us

We may even lose people we love

But God will ALWAYS be there to guide us through

even the toughest of times.

Never lose FAITH

Hold onto HOPE

TRUST IN GOD ALWAYS

Even in losing Andrew

he left us better people for having known him

Rest in Peace

Andrew Strickland

12-17-2014

You made a difference in my life

You are loved.

EDITED- Thursday afternoon. I can see that this link is being shared. Thank you all for that. If you have come here from a link on Facebook, please leave a few words in the comments section for the family. If you are a regular reader here and would like to leave messages as well. I will print these and get them to Andrew's precious family. I so appreciate the prayers and good wishes expressed for the family and I know they will appreciate them as well. 

Make sure your loved ones know how much they mean to you.
In Michelle's words --- "it all happened so fast." and "in the blink of an eye our world was turned upside down"

And so it is Christmas....

Jones Chapel UMC Family Life Center

it felt like old times last night

early on there was a buzz of activity

the moving of tables and chairs

bringing the poinsettias from the church sanctuary

laughter as a team worked together to get ready for a series of Christmas gatherings in this building

the building - a dream of Buddy Coile from MANY MANY years ago.

he started a small savings budget for this building and the quiet dream grew and grew

now we gather here to worship and celebrate many moments.

I was a part of the team getting this ready

have been for many years

and just like so many times

Last night I found myself finishing up a detail or two in this building alone

and suddenly it becomes Christmas for me

it has happened like this so many times

in the quiet

hustle and bustle of the workers now finished

doors locked

me padding around in sock feet - tying this bow, turning a flower to face correctly

sweeping the floor

wiping off a table

preparing to celebrate the BABY

and every single time

i feel the emotion

a young pregnant girl

a man not sure what to do

both not knowing how to proceed

both hearing and leaning on the angel's delivered words

TRUSTING

that GOD has this all planned

an innkeeper - no room - but offering what he has

a stable - animals - but fresh straw

think about that

a barn - animals moving

the scents of farm life

and fresh straw

not exactly a royal place is it

a Babe

born in the night

wrapped in swaddling cloths

laying in the feed tray

Wise Men

they studied the writings

studied the skies

noticed the new star

knew that was a sign

left to seek what the sign must be

hoping that it was fulfilling the promise of HOPE proclaimed

and shepherds

watching the sheep in the field 

a fire amid them

maybe food being served

not prepared at all for a sudden appearance 

of ANGELS

then simply leaving those fields and immediately coming to see the infant

and then telling EVERYONE they encountered 

about their ANGEL encounter

and about the BABE

that's where I found myself 

where I find myself every single year

in the still

the quiet

the post decor frenzy

sitting

recalling the story

waiting 

waiting for the CHRIST CHILD

and wondering what my role will be in the story

Last night a single tear

dropped onto the sheet of the manger

was it joy

or sadness

or some of both

and some of so much more

I do know for sure

I prayed for much

and many

I prayed thanksgiving

and grace

and strength

and hope

I prayed again that all can see

the gift of the Christ Child was meant for you and me. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS

not one damned thing "snarky" in this post --- happy?

I was snarky yesterday.

I offended someone.

I am sorry. 

This is where I am real. 

Funny, I pondered the response I got after yesterday's post. 

And I decided, again, that I've made choices that people do not agree with.

I've made choices that people do not understand. 

And the biggest choice I made was to stop doing something. 

That something is hidden in a thought that I have resisted posting anywhere 

"Why do we spend so much time and energy trying to be what we THINK others want us to be? Shouldn't we spend that time and energy being our true selves?

At what point do we lose who we really are?

At what point does that projected persona become US?

And when our true self screams and then fights the way out, and those people who are watching

think we have suddenly changed, their defenses go into action.

So becoming our true selves hurts those we care about, not out of intention to do harm, but because the sudden realization is not easy to adjust to.

They react - we react - and the cycle starts again.

Our true selves really are a combination of all our environment and influences. 

And, in reality, we get to choose what to keep and what to refuse. 

So we are who we are because of our reactions to our environment."

Now how is that for talking in a circle?

(the nest above is my creation. Happy with how that turned out ---- yes MUCH)

I thought a lot about the response I got and decided to not be snarky here (well, I will try not to be).

So, in essence I've decided to measure my words carefully in order not to hurt feelings. 

Why? Because that is NOT who I want to be perceived as. 

Friends please take note: This is a very conscious decision. Not an offhanded reaction. 

What I will try to do is.

Include my survivor story - again and again - in hopes that even one person can be encouraged by that and choose to fight hard to survive their own battles.

Share my appreciation of all the ways I have been blessed.

Look at the sunrise and count it as a new opportunity to count and add blessings with each new day.

Snuggle with children who fill my life so wonderfully. 

Sing - dance - laugh - pray

Alone and with those who will do those things with me.

Cry - scream - cuss - drink

Alone or with someone who will let me rant and not try to FIX it.

(I'll try to keep these moments from here - I want your life to feel beautiful to and my negative energy doesn't add to anyone's beauty)

Run - write names on my shoes - try to pound those names into the ground.

Sweat - those drops are as important as tears. 

(and last night that run was really good thinking time - and kept me from firing off in an inappropriate manner) 

Spend time with my girls, my mama, my friends.

Work hard every day to be better than I was yesterday. 

Find my centered "place".

I'm working on it. 

I do know that Serenity Field has that effect on me. 

Much like Day Chapel did when I struggled with my first cancer diagnosis. 

Appreciate the deer. 

Oh my, running alongside those that are not afraid of me is truly magical. 

Gather fallen feathers and realize that angels come in all shapes, sizes and colors and let those feathers represent that to me. 

(side trip - did you know it is illegal to have those - oops) 

I'll continue to make things. 

Of course I will, for that really is a part of who I am

I will try not to let that little inner voice tell me how ugly I am, how weird I am, how I don't handle things correctly, how my heart is wrong in what I feel.

I will listen to the whispers that say you got this thing, you are gonna be just fine, your hair looks fabulous today, relax you know this all works out in the end, and you can have all kinds of peace, love, and joy surrounding you.

Tonight will find me at a funeral visitation, paying respect and offering condolences to a family.

Today finds me praying for my buddy, Charlie, as he recovers from an accident that has left him battered and bruised, but alive and thankful.

Tonight, I will sit at a table and share a good meal surrounded by love and laughter, story, and looking towards the future.

Today finds me praying for Andrew, which is a hard prayer as he awaits a liver transplant and in order for that to happen, someone loses a loved one and makes hard decisions.

Tonight, I will wonder at the blessings of the day.

Today, I will wonder at the blessings of the day. 

Today, I thank you for pointing out who I am not and who I do not want to be. 

I am sorry, I was snarky.

I will reign that behavior in.

And you can know you had that influence on me and that I reacted in a positive manner. 

Living With intention

Boy, it has been a year. 

As I approach the Thanksgiving Holiday, I am finding myself pondering if I have lived my word of the year. 

I think I have. 

I haven't posted about it a lot. 

I haven't really even consciously thought about it much.

But I have lived it. 

INTENTION. 

(with purpose to succeed) 

I have two blogs. This one and my crafty one. 

The crafty one is easy to look at and quite easy to read through again and again. 

To see what I have made and why.

This one -- hell, this one is grueling to read. 

Some days are good day, some not so much. 

But I have made huge strides in conquering demons of all kinds.

The result - I have a space that refreshes me. 

A place that allows me to rest.

A circle that accepts who I am right here and right now. 

I want these people around me. 

They feel good. 

(and because I'm having a snarky moment)

(they like that damned blue outfit a LOT)

Now about that place.

Let's define what I want there a little closer. 

I want it to be a sanctuary for me and loved ones.

To be welcoming and ready for those who want to spend time there. 

I failed that miserably in the past and in the very cluttered present. 

Why - because there is so much crap there, that I had no business having and should definitely NOT held on to. 

But each item temporarily filled a gaping hole in my soul. 

Add in the stuff I kept for whatever sentimental reasons I gave. 

Here's a reality.

I kept three porcelain dolls all these years. 

They belonged to my children. 

Those same children who HATED those dolls. 

They called them creepy. 

So this past Saturday, I got rid of the dolls.

Sent the girls a text saying "the creepy dolls are gone" 

I got a text back.

One word.

"GOOD"

Yes, I got rid of them and life did not fall apart.

Now - to attack the rest of this stuff. 

I pick each item up.

Ponder carefully.
Then - with INTENTION - I determine if I want it in my life.

If not, I either give, sell, or toss it. 

And each decision makes me feel lighter and lighter. 

INTENTION

the 2014 word of the year. 

Now to ponder my word for 2015. 

A Peaceful Season

The picture has nothing to do with the post.

I just love the old bridge structure so much. 

I continue to purge.

Good for my sanity. 

Amazingly very good. 

It is also HARD WORK. 

I have gathered (also known as hoarded)  for so many years.

As I go through the things, I can remember some of the ideas I had when I collected the items. 

Then today, as I was reading blogs, I read this

Physical clutter promotes mental, spiritual, and creative clutter, and at the beginning this mini journey, I already feel as though I can breathe again.

Kim Laws

I have spent years trying to fill that damned hole in my soul with STUFF. 

I hardly noticed that was what was happening. 

April 2010 - that all began to change.

I was unhappy.

stuffing STUFF into my home.

Into the studio space (the one that never really got finished)

And I watched it unfold as I took on the demons.

It has almost been like watching a movie, only I know the cast of characters so well. 

All this to say.

Last night I quietly worked ALONE.

Towards finishing a project.

I could see progress - held in a sandwich sized plastic bag

I repeatedly picked that bag up and smiled

I have had this project sitting for years. 

Then in cleaning out a box, I found a second started but either I burned out or I set aside the materials, project. 

I have not added it to the list of 

STUFF I AM FINISHING.

These two projects

are but a tiny drop in my bucket for the digging, purging, finishing, unpacking, dealing with

pile of crap in my home. 

The funny thing.

As I am finishing these projects

and

making a list of additional things I wish to accomplish.

And getting rid of that I can now see that I WILL NEVER USE. 

I am feeling much more at PEACE than I have in years

Will I stumble - I'm sure.
Will I fall - well that too.
Am I afraid - sometimes
Can I survive - I have so many things.

this PEACE feels like it goes to the core of my being.

I sure hope I can hang on to it.

LIFE IS CRAZY BEAUTIFUL.