De - stressing as opposed to distressing.

Think about it -

Act on it -

Now -

Live it everyday.

He will be called .....

Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Prince of Peace, Everlasting Father.

His name will be Jesus. 

(and the joke for the weekend - Baby Jesus was a Roman - because little Roman Davis had the part of Jesus for Jones Chapel's choir presentation of the Christmas story this weekend)

He was perfectly suited for the performances too. 

Smiling and reaching for his beautiful mama at seemingly appropriate times. 

Just beautiful.

As we sang to the baby in the Manger, I found myself really seeing the story fresh again.

I'm in a very reflective place today. 

God is moving in ways many of us can see right now. 

Leaving me.......

much as those shepherds in the fields.

completely amazed. 

I've made huge changes in my life this year.

Decisions that have been painful for me. 

Decisions that were painful for some around me.

I've worked diligently to get some major things settled. 

To progress in forward motion to a better place in my life. 

But with each of the decisions, I've found inner confirmation that I am following the path I need to be on. 

One of those decisions was to be a part of this performance. 

I was chosen to share the message of the gospel with the solo part of the song 

Nothing Compares to this. Which at first was exciting, then as the performance 

closed in, caused me so much stress that even today the stress triggered, adrenal fatigue is awful. 

But it was a message I really do believe. And I am thrilled to have been a part of the delivery of that message. 

Nothing compares to that moment of mercy so rich and so real

How could I ask for more?

And with the encouragement of the choir and director, both performances were very filled with glimpses of His glory. 

So Jones Chapel Choir and support crew, I thank you for allowing me to be a part of this message. It was a beautiful experience.

Besides --- look  --- I got to hold Baby Jesus - how cool is that? 

I found a recording of the song on you tube. 

This is not our performance, but it is a beautiful video and the arrangement is identical to the one we used. 

Take the time to really listen to the words

the entire Christ Story in just a few minutes of worship. 

Because really 

Nothing Compares to This.

Merry Christmas my friends. 

My wish for you this season. 

Love - Grace - Peace - Joy

Please take the time to quietly worship and remember. 

Then stand in awe and spread the news.

Christ is come

Come to the manger and see. 

Then come

Come to the cross and be free. 

Overwhelmed

Monday

Desk flowers

after a Sunday that left me overwhelmed with emotions

Piedmont Praise Group led our musical worship Sunday Morning.

Just Beautiful

A lady in our church - dementia has taken parts of her memory and personality

She lives with her daughter

Has very few moments of clarity

But I was witness to one.

As the praise group began a beautiful version of Silent Night

She broke into the song with them. 

The tears that had threatened all morning

Found the break in the dam and spilled. 

Nancy - sitting there by me 

Spilled her tears too. 

A God moment. 

A moment of thanksgiving. 

Praises sing. 

The tears were threatening anyway.

Because of a conversation I had on the way to church. 

I love the way these trees keep their leaves until the spring growth pushes them off.

When the breeze stirs them it sounds like papers rustling and I have often called that sound "paper lace"

I was looking at these all through the undercanopy of the trees and asked if he knew what kind they were.

Beech trees was the answer. 

Then I described my version of the sound. 

Doesn't sound like an emotional discussion at all huh?

Then he said water oaks keep their leaves too. 

And when they fall they make a clicking sound. 

Yes they do. 

I've noticed.

Even in the quiet, the forest has a soundtrack.

And someone else hears that same soundtrack too. 

Think about it.

-the rustle of birds landing on a branch

-the chatter of squirrels running through the trees and leaves.

-the lack of sound of an owl in flight

-a fish jumping with a resounding plop on the water

-the silence of walking out in a snowfall.

I'm in awe of recognizing that God gave us multiple ways to experience His creation.

I'm in awe of discovering that someone else is aware and willing to share their observations with me.

Yes is was a very good morning. 

my name is Mama

Warning --- this could easily be one of those trigger type of posts. 

see those two up there. 

my girls. 

My beautiful girls

Here is the trigger part 

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

THEY ARE MY HEART

but 

I AM NOT THEIR BEST FRIEND.

and I do not think that parents need to be the best friend of their children.

we need to be PARENTS

Parents teach.

(doing it for them does not teach)

Parents discipline.

(discipline sometimes means a spanking)

Parents do not allow rudeness

(towards anyone)

Parents do not allow a feeling of entitlement

(nobody "OWES" you anything "just because")

Parents do allow consequences to play out

(you cannot pay them our of everything)

Parents give them unconditional love.

(yes even in the midst of the consequences that are happening) 

Parents let them go.

(the hardest thing to ever do)

Parents swell with pride when they make good choices.

(Mine have made some wonderful ones)

Parents celebrate victories

(had bunches of these too)

Parents cry over failures

(had some of them)

Parents hide those fears and watch carefully

(just in case)

Parents answer the phone

(and listen and celebrate and cry and and and)

Parents prepare for nightmares

(financial and otherwise)

(not being prepared will bite you)

Parents breathe thanksgivings when the nightmares don't occur.

(been there done that)

Parents show them God.

(not just tell them about Him)

Parents pray

(and pray and pray and pray)

Parents do NOT need to be best friends with the children

(they need those friends away from you) 

I have those two up there. 

Both adults.

We are slowly becoming friends. 

But mind you ---- I am not their best friend.

Not now.

Not ever. 

We may become really GOOD (even GREAT) friends.

and that would be a celebration thing.

Here's the truth.

I am Mama now

I will always be Mama.

I am proud that I am their Mama. 

I watch other parents and see them try to be best friends.

And in my mind - I always think - when is that child going to learn to wash her own clothes?

be still my heart......

She's 20. He's 8. 

My daughter. Crusty Old Guy's Grandson. 

He wanted to hang with Miss T at the art market and, of course, Miss T was completely ok with that.

He's easy to have around. 

And My spot for the market was his favorite.

Right under the VERY easy to climb crepe myrtle tree. 

Took him seconds to be headed up that tree. 

Oh and he happens to LOVE Abby. 

Her caption from the instagram post  above was 

"He shared his candy cane and we became best friends"

She's a beautiful young adult.

But still has the playful heart of a child. 

So when he climbed that tree. 

She simply climbed on up too. 

And we all laughed and smiled and teased one another. 

And simply had a beautiful time. 

My life is so freaking FULL of absolutely beautiful moments. 

And now I take the time to absorb them. 

To really LIVE them.

AND be THANKFUL for them.

Then try so hard to record them. 

See - the recording is important. 

We are quite human. 

We will forget.

Unless we give ourselves the means to remember. 

So here - I've recorded a beautiful three hours. 

of people who love one another. 

and how they laughed and played and built memories. 

on a damp cold day in November 2013. 

and in these moments we ALL were really 

LIVING AND LOVING. 

and that 

my friends

is a beautiful thing. 

CRITICAL

Unedited.

Right off my phone. 

The baby is absolutely wonderful.

She is my nephew, Tyler's little one. 

RhileyAnne. 

Happy, easygoing, alert, just beautiful. 

Goodness, how I love littles.

I could not wait to get my hands on her. 

to coo, and tickle, and listen to her little baby squeak noises. 

then i look at the picture 

AND

There is Mama T. 

at first the little voices said.

look at the chinS. 

look at ALL that grey.

Wrinkles ---check those out too. 

Oh and those reading glasses - perched on my head so I can keep up with them.

Why the crap do we do this to ourselves? 

Why do we zoom in on the stuff we see as negative?

Why do we measure ourselves again some unrealistic something? 

So I tried to look again -

This time with eyes that were a little more gentle with the interpretation of details.

And I was able to see. 

A thick thick head of hair that I love being long enough to pull up when I can run. 

or can feel a loved one get a hand in (Rhiley did just that - holding onto a tendril as we snuggled up - and that is a wonderful feeling)

Eyes lit up as I gazed into her eyes. 

Wrinkles forming little laugh line grooves. (laughter is so good for the soul)

Look how I am smiling. Genuine. Open. Honest. 

And that tiny hand on my face. 

When I think about that, I can still feel it. 

I've seen people who post a lot of "selfies"

Often those people make me feel like "hey check me out, I look so good" 

I don't feel that about myself at all.

But I am learning to tell my critical eye to look again.

To see that I really am very happy. 

And in my mind.

I'm making peace with the image on the screen.

This is something we ALL need to do.

Like that person in the picture

and in the mirror. 

Sound in if you like --- but only about how you are silencing the critical voice that says you're not good, pretty, thin, muscular, ------------enough. 

tell me how you are happy with the image in the mirror or on the screen. 

Blessing lists

I keep a list of gratitudes.

You know what.

It's wrong to keep blessings a secret.

No matter what the reasons are.

God cannot be magnified if his blessings are "hidden under a bushel"

Just a few thoughts that occurred while I was reflecting tonight.

I've made serious mistakes in my life. Yet God chooses to continue raining down goodness and beauty in my life. I'll celebrate even the tiniest of things to be grateful for.

Things like this - he sent me a spider web glistening in the sun.

It is a beautiful thing.

note -----

recognizing who I am is one thing

walking in and helping me be a better me - well that makes all the difference in the world

it really is all about positive enabling

working together

not worrying about how to make something happen

nor giving advice about it

not even throwing money at it

but actually laboring side by side to figure it all out

this year has been a very productive year

a happy DO year

So close --- just so close 

Hang in there - gonna be ok.

Unsettled

The Pictures have very little to do with the post - I just love the flowers on my desk each week. 

A little bit of natural beauty and cheer. 

Hard frosts to come this week, there may not be any more after these for a while. 

A conversation I had this weekend has left me a little unsettled. 

 Strange actually - the conversation was not ugly.

But it left me with this feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

That has carried on for a couple of days now. 

I expressed myself clearly. 

No anger. No hurt. No ugly. 

(I thought) 

The response was full of all three. 

Then came the justification for the response being negative.

Then came the character judgement of me being honest and clear.

Then came the "why the hell are you acting like this?" slung back at me.

I simply walked away. 

Not from the confrontation.

But from the need to confront.

From the need to explain.

From the need to justify.

From the need to make myself heard. 

From the need to be acceptable.

Publicly and privately. 

I walked away from negative energy

I walked away from stress.

And I think I'll keep walking.

Because the beauty of my life is that I have been given

Another chance

Another look

Another gift

Another inspiration

And ---- yes ---- there are those flowers on my desk. 

real ...

We sat.
Facing each other.
Food between us.

It was a public place,
But we were a bit isolated

No one really all that close by.

I left my phone in the car.
The other making text and other notification sounds
Was ignored.

The very thing that happened was special.
Intimate even.
To a level of discomfort almost.

See.

In that place.
In those moments.

We looked at each other.

And.

We
.
.
.
.
talked.

I don't know what to say to her.......

This past Monday I was told that I have breast cancer. I see a surgeon on Tuesday and will know more after my meeting with him. I NEED prayer. I need all my family, friends, churches and facebook family praying for me. I am believing God for a healing, if he chooses doctors and surgery to do that, then so be it. I don't know why I am walking through this trial but I know that God is walking through it with me. I will keep you updated and we all will see Gods mighty hand through this.
God bless you all and keep me in your prayers.

The above is part of a Facebook post from my news feed this morning. 

A friend who was closer to me years ago has been diagnosed. Time - life - distance - all those things add up to growing apart. And yet - reading those those words - I immediately burst into tears. 

I KNOW what those words do to you. What they can do to your loved ones. What they can mean to moving forward when you suddenly become frozen in fear. 

You want people to tell you everything will be ok - 

You want someone to give you the RIGHT course thru this path - 

You want (need) someone by your side who will help you - 

Oh - but you are scared to say that -

It makes people uncomfortable to see you need this -

And you cry in the shower - 

And you argue with God -

And you try to juggle all the information they are tossing at you -

And your brain wants to shut down -

And you want to scream --- Hell no, not me, I do not have the time, energy, money, for this

Oh but it's real - and scary - and sad - and heartbreaking -

But he made it through and she made it through - 

And you want them to tell you that you will make it too - 

But - and - or -  uhm - 

And see I know all of this - and I do not know what to say to her. 

Because reality - EVERY SINGLE CASE IS DIFFERENT
Your best bet is to listen and learn and make educated decisions
And each person has to make these as individual decisions. 
And NO ONE has the right to tell you the decision you just made or you made last week or last year was the wrong one. 
This is your life - your body - your health - your decisions
And this person will say "do this" and another person with say "do that" and another will say "don't" and then there are those who will say "what? why? are you crazy?" 
They have no business in the decisions. 

I  know - I've been there.

I do not know what to say to her - so I went with the safe response - 

I'm praying for you - and I immediately started - and I will keep continuing to do so - and if there is one part of this I do KNOW FOR SURE - prayer works. 

And about those decisions - I've cleared the hurdles - jumped through the hoops - crawled out of the tunnel - and it would seem 

The one decision I made - on this side of all that - the decision I personally feel the best about - is the one that that says 

I'm living beautifully 
I'm living happily
I'm living healthy
I'm living fully 
And I am loving every minute of it. 

Flowers on my desk included ----

A whole damn lot

"October's Party"

October gave a party;
The leaves by hundreds came-
The Chestnuts, Oaks, and Maples,
And leaves of every name.
The Sunshine spread a carpet,
And everything was grand,
Miss Weather led the dancing,
Professor Wind the band.

The Chestnuts came in yellow,
The Oaks in crimson dressed;
The lovely Misses Maple
In scarlet looked their best;
All balanced to their partners,
And gaily fluttered by;
The sight was like a rainbow
New fallen from the sky.

Then, in the rustic hollow,
At hide-and-seek they played,
The party closed at sundown,
And everybody stayed.
Professor Wind played louder;
They flew along the ground;
And then the party ended
In jolly "hands around."

George Cooper

This has LONG LONG been a favorite poem for me. Don't know why, but it is. 

Maybe because fall weather in northeast Georgia really feels like that poem and makes me want to party like this.

I took the picture today on a sudden, unplanned "windshield time" road trip for work.

As I noticed the brilliant red - it actually took my breath away. 

Stop - turn around - find place to safely pull over - get out - take picture - talk to the homeowner who lives at this beauty - count the blessings that accompany such an impromptu meeting - share a smile and a few laughs at the crazy picture taking lady - go on my merry way. 

I rode in the sunshine and blue skies with my windows down.

Radio playing country favorites today. 

Tomorrow may be gospel greats - never know with me. 

Trying to sing, but the horrible noise from my clogged, cruddy, infected sinus, sore throat was not cooperating, so I was just listening and thinking. 

Wind in my hair - chasing the loose strands and tucking them back in - thinking how unlikely some people think this would be for me. 

Fully realizing how I am coming full circle to who I really am in the core of my being. 

And finding myself liking that girl a whole damn lot.  

Remembering - riding on the back of daddy's truck - standing behind the cab wind in my face - grinning from ear to ear - laughing with my sister - ducking below an overhanging branch. Yes, I'm remembering her.

Even more than that, I'm re- acquainting myself with her as often as I can.

I went for years without riding with the windows down and I am really not sure why? Might mess my hair? Because air -conditioning is so comfortable? NOT A CLUE? 

But having decided to do these kinds of things - I like them. 

I have a question for you --- 

When is the last time you rode with the windows down? 

When is the last time you ran bare toes across the grass?

When is the last time you stood trying to see what the dog was barking at and saw a tiny little fox (or other critter cross the field)? 

Who was your little girl (or boy)? 

Do you miss that person? I didn't even realize I did.

But I'm finding her again

And I really like that girl a whole damn lot. 

Wow ----

I saw this on Facebook 

It resonated.

It is where I am finding myself.

More and more often. 

I have had bad reactions to some things

I've had good reactions too. 

But every day I find myself learning to regain control of where I want to be

Instead of going where I used to go

This is a very good thing. 

Not one person observed Saturday for what it was to me.

Just me. 

I remember every year. 

I used to expect others to remember too. 

Now that I am seeing things from a better perspective.

There were no expectations to be fell short of. 

So that means, my feelings were not hurt. 

17 years. 

It was life changing

It left me scarred

It tried again in 2010

It again left me scarred. 

It did not win

It will not win. 

Cancer sucks -- but it cannot suck me dry. 

here comes (and goes) the sun

On Saturday, my day was fully bracketed by God's majesty.

Up early - at our church Family Life Center - on a drizzly gray morning - I glanced out to see this.

(sorry, cell phone shot)

Just the glimmering streaky lights of the sun peeking through. 

As we went about getting ready - I found myself gravitating back to the front to watch the sun come up.

Bathing the morning with a stunning glow. 

I saw the sun spot - called people to the door to see.

Noel Dobbs - looked at me and said 

"you have a thing for sunrise and sunset"

I do have a thing for them 

I did not die on April 8, 2010

Bleeding internally from a cancerous tumor destroying my left kidney.

Requiring blood to stabilize me.

Shaken and scared. 

I didn't try to bargain with God. 

I faced the next several days getting really well acquainted with him. 

Facing the entire situation with prayer, faith, and humor. 

And here's a part of the story you may not know. 

I witnessed - just by being myself.

By allowing my faith to show. 

By having humor on my side. 

I tried to be gracious and grateful for every person I came into contact with. 

The aides.

The nurses.

The food service people.

The custodians.

That lady who awakened me to take vitals (yes even her)

On Sunday - that first weekend.

Knowing I had cancer in me.

Knowing I would face a major surgery the following week.

Still scared - still shaking. 

I was walking the halls. 

They let me out of bed - my blood count was finally safe. 

I swung into the hall - rolling IV stand with me - and announced loudly

"LET THE POLE DANCING BEGIN"

And up and down those halls I paraded. 

Laughing and facing my illness the best way I could. 

Sunday afternoon - the vitals lady - found me in one of the waiting rooms on that hall. 

I was wandering around and it was time for my vitals.

She asked me my name and birthdate.

Completed her job right there in that waiting room. 

Then sat down and looked at me. 

Questions on her face. 

She asked - how can you be so nice and cheerful and at peace with this?

Aren't you scared? 

Are you pretending? 

I answered - carefully measuring my words

"I have a faith basis."

Her face invited me to go on. 

I told her about my God. 

About my life with him in it.

About losing my Dad

About losing MaggieGrace

About the first cancer.

I told her about God's grace and his beauty 

about prospering us

about choosing. 

She nodded and said 

I want all that.

She considered herself a Christian

what she was missing was the personal relationship with God.

after about 30 minutes - we separated - I've never seen her again. 

I still wonder if she found it.

So yes NOEL - I have a thing for sunrise and sunset. 

Saturday night - headed to meet Molly and Ben for dinner

The golden glow of the sunset was breathtaking.

A Eucharisteo moment

I take all these beautiful moments and raise great thanks to God 

for bringing me new days

Each one with an opportunity to see and thank Him for the day.

I breathe the words from something I read long ago

"peace is seeing a sunrise (sunset) and knowing who to thank"

Molly shared her pictures of the sunset too. 

As did so many others on Instagram and facebook. 

Then early Sunday morning. 

Looking through my feeds and seeing the likes and comments that had been left on these images,

I posted ----

I am not a great morning person. But I am learning that it is not horrible to get up and going. Im learning that there is beauty in every moment. And to put my spin on something i read in the past - by being up early, i can watch God make a morning. This morning at 6 my text tone was there. "Good morning, i love you" i read. These five words remind me that every morning is good now. And every morning is to have its own little celebration of living and loving. Happy Sunday.

Good day God 

Thank you for making another morning that I get to be a part of.

Good morning - I love you.

Yes - every sunrise - every morning is good now

Yes - every sunset - every evening is good now.

Yes - every moment day and night  between the sunrise and sunset - every minute is good now.

I got a second chance to live

Yes - I have a thing for each very special minute of each very special day.

And dang those stunning sunsets.

I think of them as God's gift to celebrate just how special these days are. 

Cancer did not win.

And I am dang well gonna live fully. 

Scans

This morning.  No worries. Got prayers and my lucky charms on my side.

HOME ---

I just read a blog post and like many things a single line caught my attention ----

It's funny, I have friend who sees a therapist regularly and she is often asked to explain herself for these kinds of things. Maybe recognizing and then writing these impressions down is therapeutic. 

Here's the post I was reading.

here is the quote that slammed me.

"   I felt tired. It felt like it would be more work than I had the energy to do. I was confused about which way to go. I read go dark! I read go light! We didn’t have a large budget. I worried that I couldn’t get what I wanted without the right amount of money.

Until I just got tired of being tired."

That is me ---- that is my house ----- I know what happened ----- She moved away, thing changed, my give a damn is broke again. 

I'n the picture above, you can see a sliver of a dark wall. I want that dark paint gone so badly, I want light and pretty and PANTONE WHITECAP GREY walls - yes i do. And since she moved away, I'll have to do it myself. It's a long story and it is very complicated, but it is what it is. I want - I want - I want. And none of it is super expensive, its just super overwhelming. 

So - now I have really identified the problem and now I can really take that power away from it. 

The blogpost ended with the phrase "I feel silly for stalling" ---- yup - I want to be able to write that phrase. 

And I have one of the world's best GIVE A DAMN repairmen readily available.

Have a great afternoon. 

SUMMER WANES

Every week.

I have beauty on my desk.

Not purchased.

But somewhat planned.

A flower bed prepped and planted with the plan to cut blooms.

I never know what to expect to be there. 

But I sure know, it has been a wonderful summer.

Pretty too.

moments

Every morning on the way to work I talk to her.

How we slept. 

Where she is in her morning routine.

What she accomplished yesterday.

Plans (always tentative) for her day. 

Occasionally there is a snippet of REAL conversation

Occasionally there is HARD conversation. 

But, my friends, it is ALL good. 

See for many years it was stormy between us. 

Reasons -- honestly they don't even matter anymore.

He picked her up and brought her to the soccer field. 

She got out and took my hand as we started down the hill.

A moment. A beautiful moment. 

MY MAMA'S HAND IN MINE. 

She needed me for support.

It was extra effort for him.
To call her.
To convince her to come to sweet Addison's game.
To go get her.
But all that extra was brushed off with-
"It's the right thing to do."

And Addie smiled big and wrapped her arms around.
And my Mama smiled big and wrapped hers too.
And it was big and full and deep and beautiful.

And we started back up that hill.

And she took my hand again.

She needed me for support.

I needed her to need me.

Addie needs to love us both.
We need to love those around us HARD.
and BIG
and FULL
and DEEP

And go that little bit extra.
Not just talk about it.
Not just say things like
"You should spend more time with your Mama"
But try and find ways to make those MOMENTS happen.

Because it's the right things to do.

And the hand that trembled as it reached for my chin.

I needed it for support.

And now because of that.

I'm no longer scared to say that I need it.

So I held her hand and she held mine.
And it was big and deep and full and beautiful.

REALLY - The whole thing is just LOVE.

HOPE WINS

Add up the scores. Even in scrabble,  HOPE WINS.

Back there.......

It happened too fast. 

Too late to prepare.

Too late to respond.

But there it was. 

Then it was gone. 

It left me trying to live in the past again. 

To see things imagined.

If only..................

You know the feeling. 

If only I had done this. 

If only he had lived.

If only it wasn't so complicated. 

Then a text. 

Two words.

CALL ME.

And that phone call

Reminded me that I came out stronger after

That I want to live EVERY SINGLE DAY

Actively chasing dreams 

Not talking about it.

Dreaming about it. 

DOING IT DAMMIT. 

Not listening to others ways of handling it. 

Doing it in the best way I see.

Adapting as I go.

Maybe almost dying changed me. 

Maybe the weight of being sad was the deciding factor

Maybe realizing that I wanted to chase the dream. 

Whatever it was - here I am. 

Just today.

Not yesterday. 

Not tomorrow. 

But .

I am sorry I didn't wave.