I AM THAT FAT GIRL WORKING OUT........

I'VE READ TWO POSTS FROM FACEBOOK THIS AFTERNOON - BOTH KIND OF BOTHER ME.


HERE IS THE FIRST ONE --- http://news.distractify.com/people/to-the-fatty-running-on-the-track-this-afternoon/


AND THE SECOND ONE http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/03/surprisingly-inspiring-to-the-fatty-running-on-the-westview-track/

I INTERPRETED THE FIRST ONE TO BE  INTENDED AS ENCOURAGEMENT.

I INTERPRETED THE SECOND ONE AS A REACTION THAT REFLECTS ANGER.

HERE GOES MY 2 CENTS WORTH.

I am the fat girl running on the track.

I saw a picture of myself on the internet and I absolutely freaked out. I AM FAT.

But I knew this already (really I did), and in my case, at the time, it was completely the result of crappy choices.

So I started working out. I found a group of ladies who were participating in a "bootcamp" style outdoor program. The first mile I completed took me 24 minutes. I cried - God how I cried. But you know what, those ladies surrounded me with support and encouragement. Not one of them pointed out how I got fat, actually not one of them even asked. They simply started with "next time will be better" and "please don't give up". They shared triumphs with me - shared setbacks - shared frustrations - concerns - we wroked hard - whined hard - and by golly - I kept coming back - and I lost 60 pounds. No judgement - no preconceived notions about my mental state - my bad habits - my ability or inability to complete anything.

And hello - I did not F*&*ing rock by anyones standards.

And I was inspiration to no one except myself.

I think the writer of the first link intended to be encouraging, but there was so much judgement in the phrases that I was offended - let me tell you - the ladies in my group - they did it RIGHT.

But I also am not angry like the writer of the second piece.

See - I am fat again -- not as fat mind you, but still I have gained some hard fought off pounds back.

I have become the leader of this bootcamp group - yes - LARGE and in charge.

I still workout hard - I still eat fairly well.

They still encourage me.

Because you see - now I really do feel like I F*&*ing rock. My weight gain is directly related to losing my kidney and adrenal gland to the big ASS "C" word. I battle with my endocrine system every single day. There are days, I can hardly put one foot in front of the other. Because protecting my remaining kidney is of utmost importance now, I can't use artificial sweeteners, I can't take anti-inflammatory meds, and I can only have minimal alcohol.

Tired - you have no idea.

Uncomfortable - almost all the time.

Freaked out because I have gained weight - not really

Angry because you might think I am lazy - or I have eating issues - or made bad choices - nope, not one freaking bit.

what you think about how I look - couldn't care less.
what you think about my choices - couldn't care less
what you think about my athletic ability - couldn't care less

you think I F&*&ing rock in spite of all these negatives --- Why, thank you very much - you are right, I do.

Because every day, I take better care of me than I did before. And I will go to my grave counting that among blessings and encouraging others to take better care of themselves too -WITHOUT PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS OF HOW THEY GOT WHERE THEY ARE TODAY - good, bad, or indifferent.

and those ladies working out with me - well they think I do  - and I they do too. See they were big enough to encourage without judging - or at least with the courtesy of keeping those judgements to themselves.

And not just those ladies - but others who have given me a smile when I really don't want to go work out - and the those I love who refuse to let me 'ditch bootcamp" for an insignificant reason - and other athletes who are farther along than me, but remember where they started too (including my daughters)

See yes - I Fucking rock - and I inspire others - and I inspire myself - and I don't care how the hell you start moving and taking care of yourself - and I don't care why you did or didn't to start with.

Here is what I do care about.

Join us - we will get to know you.
Join us - we will welcome you if you can walk 10 yards or 10 miles.
Join us - if you want to run, then by all means get out there and run.
Join us - the basics are there - we will adapt them if you need to. No need to hurt yourself.
Join us - we will encourage you right where you are today - and the next day - and the one after that.

Taking care of your body and mind is important - starting today you can make a difference - you may have been doing it all right for years - or you may have neglected things until today. no matter where you are - today is a chance to "do the right thing"


Life is too beautiful to judge others. And it is far too beautiful to worry about the judgement of others.

I FUCKING ROCK and YOU FUCKING ROCK TOO - so how about let's rock it helping each other?

four years ago today

I gave up my left kidney 

That means I got to see this happen 

Thank GOD I got the chance to recognize the blessings and beauty that living really is. 

I have a BEAUTIFUL life. 

Tonight I practice a song about the healing power of Jesus.

Bet I cry!

Tournament Season ----

Piedmont College - Conference Tournament - April 11-13, 2014 

Here is the run down

Leave after work Thursday.

Arrive in Augusta, Georgia around 7:30pm

Can you say traffic? 

Seems there was "Some Golf Thing" happening. 

FINALLY get through Augusta area - drive a total of 7 hours - arrive at hotel in Rocky Mount, NC

just after 1AM on Friday. 

(the players were tucked in nicely snoozing)

Unload - finally in bed around 2AM

Up at 5AM with the team. 

Mama (all the parents) is tired

First Game. 

Slide into second base. 

Jam thumb to add to an already extensive list of banged up body parts. 

Keep playing.

Lose first game by one run and hit the losers bracket. (damn) 

Play second game and move back toward championship game on Sunday.

Adrenal fatigue much --- my body doesn't handle "good" stress and better than the bad kind.

Spend afternoon in Emergency Room getting hand checked out.

Watch Softball Princess use sarcastic humor to handle the anxiety of the ER visit (got that from her mama)

Watch Softball Princess beg an ER doc for permission to at least run bases. 

Get that permission and back to hotel at which time Mama crashes at the all so early hour of 7PM.

Saturday Morning - Win CLOSE first game. 

Win CLOSE second game. 

More adrenal issues.

Take two more steps towards championship game. 

Sunday Morning - meet that first team again

Coach puts pinch runner on (Softball Princess) late in game

No pressure.

Slide

Slide 

Score. 

Turns out to be the only run and sends LaGrange home.

(and their rude players - the final strikeout being the one who was making fun of some of our players) 

Sorry - side trip down "mommy got a little bit of amusement" lane there. (Karma is a bitch)

Now we have fought back into the championship series. 

Win by one in first of two games against Huntington College. 

Their fans were great people. 

Their players too.

Second Game - for championship

We win by one run on an amazing series of events in the bottom of the last inning. 

LIFE WAS BEAUTIFUL

and 

AT THAT MOMENT IT WAS FUN TOO

now we advance towards Nationals. 

Mom - Abby - Dad

and ONE hard earned trophy. 

Yes we play banged up ----- ALL THE TIME ---- it seems

Winning is wonderful.

And I am a huge believer that sports are really good for kids. 

It is good for discipline - health - self-esteem - and lots of other things. 

But winning is not everything. 

Meet my new friend 

This is Nicholas. 

And Jessica.

And Kim (mom) who is one of the nicest and happiest people I have met through softball.

Nicholas was my sideline buddy for the whole tournament.

He counted for me.

And he cheered harder than any one of the rest of us. 

And he reached for my hand over and over.

And looked me in the eye repeatedly. 

And I learned some of  his language and was able to communicate with him a little.

And he taught me beautiful lessons.

See - I have health issues. 

So does he. 

But he has learned that he can focus on his cards (and counting) and cheering. 

These things - he does them to the best of his ability.

And he is happy.

Trust me - I saw the depth in his bright brown eyes. 

He can't say my name. 

But with his touch and his gaze - he called me friend. 

That my friends is that thing that is bigger than winning. 

LIFE IS AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL

LOOK HARD FOR THE BLESSINGS.

THEY ARE ALL AROUND YOU.

choosing ----

So he said "I love food"

Then he said "But I've been eating TOO much of it lately"

Then he said "I noticed my shirts getting a little tight" 

And I said "I haven't noticed my clothes getting tighter"

 then I said "But I haven't noticed them getting and looser either."

So - with that came an INTENTIONAL way of deciding. 

Then I found myself at the machine at work 

Eyeballing one of these. 

Even though I have one of these (on my desk)

And the conversation was remembered. 

So here I am typing this 

And eating an apple for my morning snack. 

ALL ABOUT CHOICES......

Grateful Hope.

Me holding "baby Jesus" - actually his name is Roman. 

That is his Grandmother immediately to my right. 

She cornered me on Saturday - for a conversation that makes me smile to this moment. 

She wanted to take on all of those who have hurt me.

She is a friend. 

She loves me and she is not afraid to tell anyone that. 

She is also a survivor --- of losing a child. 

To this day, she tries her best to minister to so many others who go through loss.

Her story includes many twists and turns and ugliness and grace and beauty and love and forgiveness.

It also includes the love story of her daughter and son-in-law (Roman's mom and dad)

And she sees me right where I am - today. 

And loves me right on. 

There is a message there. 

It is good to have cheerleaders.

Lilian - thank you for taking the time to ask and to understand. To love without advice and judgement. To encourage me to move forward in my life. 

Which brings me to something

Something that I am calling Grateful Hope.

See - I read this book......

It made a difference to me. 

I read it and KNEW I must share it. 

And initially I did share the process of naming blessings. 

With a very close friend. 

It was an amazing experience. 

One I will never regret. 

I've spoken of the book to many. 

And told how it sent me to God's word again and again. 

I've shared how it makes me aware. 

But the big difference is how I react to things. 

Yesterday, the pastor stopped by my Sunday School Class door. 

I was talking about something and mentioned that Patti is one of my very closest and special friends.

He remarked that I say that about many. 

I smiled and then spoke of how blessed I am. 

Then we laughed and I said "and I have had some real jerks on my journey, but those even were blessings, well because of what I've learned from them."

Anyway - Patti and I have been talking about the book.

She is reading it now.

I shared with her, how mine is marked up and how when reading the first time, I felt called to share this in a special way. 

She and my other Sunday Morning Adult Kid, LeighAnn, both jumped at the idea. 

So in the middle of some major life happenings, I (we) have decided to have a very special day of sharing. 

A day that I have already taken to calling

GRATEFUL HOPE. 

You will see more about this in the months to come. 

Please pray about it. About being a participant - or about helping in some way. 

Because - by participating you will come to understand just why blessing #297 is "Hearing a child's footsteps running down the hall." 

GRATEFUL HOPE

Coming this fall. 

on listening to my heart.........

Me - October 2010.

Let me first say, I was 6 months post cancer surgery. 

And I was CLUELESS about what that was to mean long term. 

I had reworked the showroom at my grown up girl job and I had a lot of help doing that. 

I was also CLUELESS about what that was to mean long term. 

Today - I not only work the showroom, but the counter and warehouse when required. 

I have also learned a lot about sizing (of all things) sewage pumps.

(yes - my job is seriously filled with all kinds of things glamorous)

Changes have occurred. 

I have matured.

I have made a LOT of mistakes. 

But I have also made some major - life enhancing - beautiful decisions. 

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

My God, I have cried buckets of tears. 

Hard, sobbing, grief filled buckets. 

I have felt judged. 

I have been encouraged.

There have been huge steps forward. 

And equally huge falls backwards. 

I tried to ignore many many things that my heart has told me. 

I felt like I was right about my path. 

I made decisions based on that "feeling" 

But you know there was always this nagging little thing (s). 

That bit that made me just a little anxious to think hard about. 

I spent hours (and miles) running the thoughts through my mind (and through the woods) 

(read the archives of this blog  - a lot of it is covered) 

Here is my TRUTH and I really owe the phrasing of this to my mom. 

The experts tell us we need to "sell ourself" to others, but the fact of the matter is way too often we sell ourselves way too short.

I did that. Have been doing that for so long. Still do that, although age has brought some wisdom. 

Since the second cancer surgery and recovery, I made a series of decisions.

Some beautiful, wonderful, life changing decisions.

The kind that propel you to be stronger.

Some were painful. (for me and for others) 

I have grieved the losses I experienced. 

I have handled some of it poorly. 

Some of them easy - some more difficult.

But, I knew the second I made the right ones, because the "little nagging things" feelings went away.

I've made these decisions. 

And acting on then has given me the "KNOWING" that I am really on a better path. 

Notice - I did not say the RIGHT path.......or even the BEST one.

Is this the right path? 

I'm hopeful. 

It may not be, but my heart is full. 

My life is full. 

And I honestly have no issue with moving forward from where I have been and where I am without fully knowing where I am going. Because where I have been was a blessing too. 

Now - when I have those little, nagging, makes me anxious feelings - I stop, assess the whole thing, try to deal with it quickly and move forward from there. 

And all through it - I AM COUNTING BLESSINGS. 

That counting - well it confirms that my heart has survived and is still willing to speak to me. 

Doesn't hurt to love on a baby or two, or several along the way. 

A few more pounds. 

A bit more gray.

With a smile that reaches all the way to my eyes. 

LIFE IS FREAKING BEAUTIFUL.
________________________________________________________
Part of me almost stopped writing this story.
Seems some people feel singled out as negatively portrayed.
I've prayed and pondered - even made a trip to that place that eased my soul through the first cancer journey.

Then - a friend told me last night how beautiful it is to see the real me returning.

To read, see, and KNOW that my soul is being soothed and nurtured, instead of just exisiting.

So instead of stopping - - - - -

I have edited this post today to say this. I am responsible for the where I am. I take full responsibility for the journey I have traveled. This is a story of my hope and of my healing. There are some who read more into what has been written than was intended. This is also a very incomplete writing. There are parts of this that will forever remain untold. This is as it should be. I've dealt with hurt and disappointment. I've dealt with frustration. I've dealt with blessings and beauty. If you have read here and see yourself in a less than favorable light, I am sorry.

See - this is my side of my story.
And a very wise man said to me several times.
There is your side of the story.
There is the other side of the story.
And the real truth falls somewhere between the sides.

Life is messy.
People screw up.
I believe that people change.
I believe that judgement is wrong.
But I also know that my version of the story can look like judgement if you see yourself in these lines.
I've tried hard to protect SO MANY (yes - that includes you) from being recognized.
And I also suspect that some may assume I am speaking of them, when, in fact I am not.

I do not mean to hurt.

I only mean to heal myself.

If you think this has not been hellacious for me, you are so wrong. It has, it is, it will be.

Damned dragon slaying is hard work.

and LIFE IS STILL BEAUTIFUL.

oh, and I have loved on some littles again today.

Going to the Chapel

So, yeah, this happened.

A dad and his son. 

43 years of separation from one another. 

A call to his sisters. 

Who acted from their heart. 

A struggle for his health (see part of the story here)

Now there is a family. 

(Aimee - Chancey - Laurie)

And he reconnected with a lovely lady named Lisa. 

Proposal

She said yes. 

A name changed to take his Dad's last name. 

Because - well - there is no DNA testing required here. 

And on Saturday the lovely lady became the man's wife. 

With family and friends by their side. 

"God doing what God does."

Now Bobby (dear old Dad) had mixed emotions about lovely lady. 

See, he's 63 and had thus far managed to avoid the whole tuxedo thing, but SHE was insistent - and dress up he did - rather nicely, I might add.

There was laughter (lots) since the Best Man was to give a toast and seems it was to be a story - but decisions had to be made over which story to tell.

So several were shared with the photographer and votes were cast. 

The joining of two - to become the one. 

And it was a beautiful ceremony. 

Bringing smiles and cheers from the crowd. 

And just because

The story that won.

Seems dear old Dad - had to show Chancey the bathroom at the Church a few weekend earlier. 

And dear old Dad was not a part of the childhood of Chancey.

As they were walking down the hall to show him where the facilities were, he remarked "you are 44 years old and this is the first time I ever took you to the bathroom." 

Yes, it is that kind of family. 

You may be right

we may be crazy.

But it just may be............

CONGRATULATIONS

Mr and Mrs Chancey Rich

and Malachi.

The wedding was beautiful. 

We wish you the best. 

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. 

CELEBRATE EVERY DAY.