IT"S NOT FAIR

Yes - this post is in direct correlation to a conversation I've had. Now you know where these thoughts came from.

There is a small, soft, vulnerable place in us all.

Walls protect it.

Some of those walls are well-built.

Some are needed.

Some are hastily tossed around as a quick method of protection. (let's circle the wagons kind of thing)

Some are built as barriers to separate us from others for what ever reason.

And then there is that person who finds a way around - under - over - or through those walls. And they touch that spot.

Those people are necessary in life.

They help us slay demons -

Or they leave a huge gap in that damned wall and let the new demons in.

I've been that person. (good and bad)

I've had those people in my life. (good and bad)

Here is my take on some things ------

On being unfair........ life IS inherently unfair.

Maybe it was the only way the person could handle it.

Doesn't change one damn thing in the outcome.

They can try to explain. (or not)

They attempt to make the the side understand. (or not)

They can attempt to fix the issue(s) (or not)

But if I have already decided they are unfair - I will always have a block to the understanding.

And therein lies a huge part of the problem.

Here is the scoop from where I am --- I have no anger - only acceptance and forgiveness - and moving ahead.

Call me unfair - ok

Call me a liar - ok

Call me uncaring - ok

Call me selfish - ok

Call me regret - ok

Call me any of those ugly things and others - ok

Say I never tried to work on anything - ok

For some time after that last conversation, I was devasted and I was all that ugliness I had been accused of. I had allowed life to be ugly and life is just not ugly. I felt unworthy of grace. Those around me wondered what was wrong because large tears won the battle of wills. But then I let it all out - I allowed myself to feel and respond to those feelings. I replayed it again and again.

I acknowledge that I mishandled things. For that I am sorry. I do hope you (and others I have hurt) will really forgive me.

What I am not sorry of .....

deciding that - in spite of being all kinds of those names above at times - I am worthy of GRACE.

deciding that - in reacting to becoming all of those names above at times - I am worthy of GRACE.

deciding that - I am a sinner - I am a human - I am broken - I am battered - I am all kinds of negative and yet ---- God determined me worthy of GRACE.

again - I do not understand that either - God's been trying to make his people understand for years - and because I have decided that GRACE IS UNFAIR - I will never understand it.

even though I think GRACE IS UNFAIR and accept that because I am human and I do not understand -

I am accepting that GRACE. And in accepting that GRACE, I can move on forward.

I have no anger at my past. I have no anger for those who hurt me, disappointed me, let me down.

I do have the ability to move beyond those mistakes. I also have the ability to realize that hurt people often do the most wounding - we are like that - we want those responsible to feel our hurt. We want them to see our side and in doing so can create even more hurt in them and in ourselves. I have the ability to choose again to be open with people and let them in. I also have the ability to hear that small, soft, vulnerable voice and protect it from further damage, not by building stronger walls, but by adding GRACEFUL reinforcements.


Life is unfair - GRACE IS EVEN MORE UNFAIR - just how great is that.

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And in response to one thing tossed out - I've not only asked for forgiveness verbally - I asked in a public forum. - here  (the very last line in the post)

Why record these things publicly here at POURING OUT? Because I can remember these lessons and maybe help others see them and learn too.

Now for a quick refresher on LOVE AND GRACE --- go here ---- I read it last night - after VBS and many tears after a hard hard day - and the message made a difference in my outlook again.

in his honor.........

Memorial Day Weekend Glimpses from my daughter's facebook. 

Fort Benning

Columbus, Georgia

Molly, Dad, Abby

They had a great trip. 

The girls told me "ALL" about it. 

I am so glad both girls were able to go with their dad. 

I so hope that continues. 

Why Fort Benning? 

Because the man above was being honored with a paver there. 

He served as a combat medic in Korea. 

And Georgia Army National Guard  for years after.

The girls told me about the stories GrandDaddy told them through the day. 

Charles - Alan

Lynda - GrandMother - GrandDaddy - Jackie (Alan's Wife) - John

All four of the children there - that is a beautiful thing. 

SFC Columbus Herbert Atkinson

Thank you for your service.

We love you so much. 

To all of our armed forces.

To all of our Public Safety personnel

THANK YOU.

holes

today I am sad

a deputy (the child of a friend) killed in the line of duty

leaving a family to find a way with a hole in their hearts

I know about holes

I know about TRYING to fill them in the wrong ways

I know about WHO really can fill them - heal them. 

I am sad

looking for beauty in the wake of tragedy

hard on these kinds of days

I really could have used an uplifting when I told The Man at My Address

I got a grunt

things will never change

I am sad

it would be easy to place blame

i am sad

i've made mistakes too

i am sad

so - i will take the brunt of the blame

i will live with the scars

i will live with the holes

i will live with the reflection of the holes i created

and the ones i am about to create

i am sad

but i am looking for beauty

and i have learned to look for it alone

i will find it too. 

I am sad and I am sorry I make you sad.

things ....

I hired a painter four years ago to paint my house. 

I paid him on time when he gave me a partial bill. 

The painter left my job one day. 

Hasn't been back. 

Why? 

Because THE MAN AT MY ADDRESS told him he didn't know how we were going to pay him. 

I had the money put aside. 

The MAN AT MY ADDRESS worked with his friend many many late nights. 

Said there was nothing to do at OUR house. 

All the time I paid someone to cut grass.

I had someone trim trees.

I had someone help take down buildings that needed it. 

And the damned house STILL needs painting. 

Oh but - he will get to it. 

And he will get to helping put money back.

And he will get to .....

And he will get to .......

And he will get to .......

and I am so very sorry -------

but I am fresh out of patience. 

I borrowed money to pay off debt.

I took control of bills in order to pay them off.

I pay regularly against medical debt - mine and the children. 

I'm helping pay for college for both girls - me and their student loans.

I put money back for this - for that - for the other. 

I had the money put back for painting the house. 

The damned house still needs painting. 

but he will get to it. 

Yes - I am very angry today -

I love that house. 

But there's nothing to do there.

How do you eventually get around to doing anything, when there is nothing to do? 

small -----

When I grow up, I'm gonna get the hell out of this small town.

Yes I said that. 

More than once. 

Dang, I am so glad I didn't act on those words. 

I live between two "one red light" towns. 

Yes, I said between. 

I drive 20 miles one way to work every day.

I drive 7 miles to a small white brick church with about 75 people there on Sunday. 

There is a tiny grocery store in each of those towns. 

Casey - he's the young man who works at the golden pantry. 

Yes --- my life is SMALL. 

But you know what I have come to see of late. 

You can fill your small life full to overflowing with beauty and blessing so easily. 

Wild flowers on my desk - he loves me - he loves me not.

And a two item supper on Saturday evening (grilled deer tenderloin and a baked potato simple and beautifully prepared) - shared over smiles and laughter between bites. 

A beautiful vixen - with four kits under my barn (foxes)

A black snake in the studio. 

It took some time, but as the next picture expresses

I have learned the lesson.

I learned these lessons while walking these country roads. 

Or riding them. 

Sitting on the front porch swing. 

Planting herbs in an old cast iron sink and an enamel dish pan with holes rusted through.

Lessons on a life well lived. 

A small life.

That watches the sun rise and set. 

Looks for the hawk on a fence post. 

Watches the cardinals swoop and strut around in their version of a mating dance (no twerping allowed here)

Notices that the neighbors are cutting grass - or grilling.

Sees the crane with a tiny fish dinner in it's beak. 

An appreciation of time well spent with loved ones. 

Like this one.

That's Margo - making button assortments for Grateful Hope. 

I babysat this little Missy and her baby sister Friday night and Saturday. 

My life is small and we kept it that way. 

We made a foam flower arrangement for Mom. 

The button assortments. 

She was entranced with cross stitch.

We never turned the TV on. 

Just enjoyed being together. 

My life is so very small.

I am so very grateful. 

I am so overwhelmingly full. 

MY LIFE IS BEAUTI --- FULL

is yours?

What happened.......

That question seems to be the most common one I am asked.

Hell - even the most common one I ask myself.

Well - today I said it out loud - and it wasn't a question - just a statement.

Sitting on that rock wall (if you know me at all - you know where I was) I simply breathed and there they were - these words.

What happened was - LIFE WAS GIVEN TO ME AGAIN - and I couldn't keep putting off MY living it. Not living for the girls. Not living for their dad. Not waiting until it all just lined up nice neat and pretty. MY living had to happen while I was digging out of debt (AGAIN) while I was growing a business (MAGGIEGRACE), while I was laughing, learning, growing, healing, changing. I couldn't patiently stand by and ignore that tiny voice in the center of my being that said - Be Happy NOW. Surround yourself with those who are not afraid to Be Happy. And use your experiences in a serious OUTLOUD manner to help others see the way. 

It's complicated.

It's messy.

It's fun.

It's blessy.     yes I know that is not a real word but it fit.

LIFE

IS

SO

FREAKING

BEAUTIFUL

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I could not keep doing all I could to fix it. ---- I can only fix me and my part.
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So that is what happened.