not one damned thing "snarky" in this post --- happy?

I was snarky yesterday.

I offended someone.

I am sorry. 

This is where I am real. 

Funny, I pondered the response I got after yesterday's post. 

And I decided, again, that I've made choices that people do not agree with.

I've made choices that people do not understand. 

And the biggest choice I made was to stop doing something. 

That something is hidden in a thought that I have resisted posting anywhere 

"Why do we spend so much time and energy trying to be what we THINK others want us to be? Shouldn't we spend that time and energy being our true selves?

At what point do we lose who we really are?

At what point does that projected persona become US?

And when our true self screams and then fights the way out, and those people who are watching

think we have suddenly changed, their defenses go into action.

So becoming our true selves hurts those we care about, not out of intention to do harm, but because the sudden realization is not easy to adjust to.

They react - we react - and the cycle starts again.

Our true selves really are a combination of all our environment and influences. 

And, in reality, we get to choose what to keep and what to refuse. 

So we are who we are because of our reactions to our environment."

Now how is that for talking in a circle?

(the nest above is my creation. Happy with how that turned out ---- yes MUCH)

I thought a lot about the response I got and decided to not be snarky here (well, I will try not to be).

So, in essence I've decided to measure my words carefully in order not to hurt feelings. 

Why? Because that is NOT who I want to be perceived as. 

Friends please take note: This is a very conscious decision. Not an offhanded reaction. 

What I will try to do is.

Include my survivor story - again and again - in hopes that even one person can be encouraged by that and choose to fight hard to survive their own battles.

Share my appreciation of all the ways I have been blessed.

Look at the sunrise and count it as a new opportunity to count and add blessings with each new day.

Snuggle with children who fill my life so wonderfully. 

Sing - dance - laugh - pray

Alone and with those who will do those things with me.

Cry - scream - cuss - drink

Alone or with someone who will let me rant and not try to FIX it.

(I'll try to keep these moments from here - I want your life to feel beautiful to and my negative energy doesn't add to anyone's beauty)

Run - write names on my shoes - try to pound those names into the ground.

Sweat - those drops are as important as tears. 

(and last night that run was really good thinking time - and kept me from firing off in an inappropriate manner) 

Spend time with my girls, my mama, my friends.

Work hard every day to be better than I was yesterday. 

Find my centered "place".

I'm working on it. 

I do know that Serenity Field has that effect on me. 

Much like Day Chapel did when I struggled with my first cancer diagnosis. 

Appreciate the deer. 

Oh my, running alongside those that are not afraid of me is truly magical. 

Gather fallen feathers and realize that angels come in all shapes, sizes and colors and let those feathers represent that to me. 

(side trip - did you know it is illegal to have those - oops) 

I'll continue to make things. 

Of course I will, for that really is a part of who I am

I will try not to let that little inner voice tell me how ugly I am, how weird I am, how I don't handle things correctly, how my heart is wrong in what I feel.

I will listen to the whispers that say you got this thing, you are gonna be just fine, your hair looks fabulous today, relax you know this all works out in the end, and you can have all kinds of peace, love, and joy surrounding you.

Tonight will find me at a funeral visitation, paying respect and offering condolences to a family.

Today finds me praying for my buddy, Charlie, as he recovers from an accident that has left him battered and bruised, but alive and thankful.

Tonight, I will sit at a table and share a good meal surrounded by love and laughter, story, and looking towards the future.

Today finds me praying for Andrew, which is a hard prayer as he awaits a liver transplant and in order for that to happen, someone loses a loved one and makes hard decisions.

Tonight, I will wonder at the blessings of the day.

Today, I will wonder at the blessings of the day. 

Today, I thank you for pointing out who I am not and who I do not want to be. 

I am sorry, I was snarky.

I will reign that behavior in.

And you can know you had that influence on me and that I reacted in a positive manner. 

Living With intention

Boy, it has been a year. 

As I approach the Thanksgiving Holiday, I am finding myself pondering if I have lived my word of the year. 

I think I have. 

I haven't posted about it a lot. 

I haven't really even consciously thought about it much.

But I have lived it. 

INTENTION. 

(with purpose to succeed) 

I have two blogs. This one and my crafty one. 

The crafty one is easy to look at and quite easy to read through again and again. 

To see what I have made and why.

This one -- hell, this one is grueling to read. 

Some days are good day, some not so much. 

But I have made huge strides in conquering demons of all kinds.

The result - I have a space that refreshes me. 

A place that allows me to rest.

A circle that accepts who I am right here and right now. 

I want these people around me. 

They feel good. 

(and because I'm having a snarky moment)

(they like that damned blue outfit a LOT)

Now about that place.

Let's define what I want there a little closer. 

I want it to be a sanctuary for me and loved ones.

To be welcoming and ready for those who want to spend time there. 

I failed that miserably in the past and in the very cluttered present. 

Why - because there is so much crap there, that I had no business having and should definitely NOT held on to. 

But each item temporarily filled a gaping hole in my soul. 

Add in the stuff I kept for whatever sentimental reasons I gave. 

Here's a reality.

I kept three porcelain dolls all these years. 

They belonged to my children. 

Those same children who HATED those dolls. 

They called them creepy. 

So this past Saturday, I got rid of the dolls.

Sent the girls a text saying "the creepy dolls are gone" 

I got a text back.

One word.

"GOOD"

Yes, I got rid of them and life did not fall apart.

Now - to attack the rest of this stuff. 

I pick each item up.

Ponder carefully.
Then - with INTENTION - I determine if I want it in my life.

If not, I either give, sell, or toss it. 

And each decision makes me feel lighter and lighter. 

INTENTION

the 2014 word of the year. 

Now to ponder my word for 2015. 

A Peaceful Season

The picture has nothing to do with the post.

I just love the old bridge structure so much. 

I continue to purge.

Good for my sanity. 

Amazingly very good. 

It is also HARD WORK. 

I have gathered (also known as hoarded)  for so many years.

As I go through the things, I can remember some of the ideas I had when I collected the items. 

Then today, as I was reading blogs, I read this

Physical clutter promotes mental, spiritual, and creative clutter, and at the beginning this mini journey, I already feel as though I can breathe again.

Kim Laws

I have spent years trying to fill that damned hole in my soul with STUFF. 

I hardly noticed that was what was happening. 

April 2010 - that all began to change.

I was unhappy.

stuffing STUFF into my home.

Into the studio space (the one that never really got finished)

And I watched it unfold as I took on the demons.

It has almost been like watching a movie, only I know the cast of characters so well. 

All this to say.

Last night I quietly worked ALONE.

Towards finishing a project.

I could see progress - held in a sandwich sized plastic bag

I repeatedly picked that bag up and smiled

I have had this project sitting for years. 

Then in cleaning out a box, I found a second started but either I burned out or I set aside the materials, project. 

I have not added it to the list of 

STUFF I AM FINISHING.

These two projects

are but a tiny drop in my bucket for the digging, purging, finishing, unpacking, dealing with

pile of crap in my home. 

The funny thing.

As I am finishing these projects

and

making a list of additional things I wish to accomplish.

And getting rid of that I can now see that I WILL NEVER USE. 

I am feeling much more at PEACE than I have in years

Will I stumble - I'm sure.
Will I fall - well that too.
Am I afraid - sometimes
Can I survive - I have so many things.

this PEACE feels like it goes to the core of my being.

I sure hope I can hang on to it.

LIFE IS CRAZY BEAUTIFUL.

Contented..........

Sorry about the quality of that image. Cell phone - pitch dark.

Thursday night found us running and watching the deer graze. Magical does not even begin to describe it. Big full moon. Exercise outdoors. Deer unafraid. Simply beautiful.

Then Friday came - and some things are finally falling into place at work - I had dinner with some of my favorite folks (and man they can cook, too) They was relaxing by the fire. Just what is it about a campfire that is so entrancing?

Saturday found me alone, but not lonely. I used to feel as if I NEEDED my life full of activity or full of stuff to be fulfilled. As I am making big changes in my world, I am making peace with what I own vs what I use and in doing so, I am simplifying my stuff. This means clearing - purging - using up. The items I am keeping truly are used or they really make me happy to have around. Meaning - they don't feel like clutter.

On Sunday Morning, I left early - took myself to a favorite place - and worshipped and counted blessings and cleared my mind and organized some things. I stood and deeply inhaled the cool fall air. Took a long look around. And fully realized that, right then and there, I was rich. I had no needs that were not being met. I didn't feel as if I needed some item to make me happy.

Simple as that ---- I was CONTENT and HAPPY.

My adrenal fatigue was minimal -(there is a direct correlation between the absence of stress and my fatigue diminishing). I sat and I worked on those tiny yo-yo's  and I prayed for the entire Atkinson crew. Prayers for happiness and peace, joy amidst the stresses of life, for forgiveness and grace. I also prayed thanksgivings for them all. There were moments of - "God, I just do not know what to say or do with this."  and those moments were answered with the feelings of  "let Me love you through it."

It was a peaceful, easy feeling time for me. Christmas Cantata music playing in the background proclaiming the birth of the Savior.

I do not know where these feelings are leading, but I do know that I want this to be the case more and more often.

Life is quite beautiful and I want to shout that until everyone around me can see it too.

We sang this at Church and I thought of my collection of sunrises and I thanked him again and again.

Then lunch that included a surprise --- a surprise that made my heart smile.

All in all - a weekend that was simply full. Beautifully full.

(Softball Princess also volunteered a hug and shared a sunset with me ---- honestly, that may have been the most beautiful moment of Saturday)

LIFE - IS  - BEAUTIFUL.

Mama Norvan's PayDay Box of memories

We knew her as Mama Norvan.

She was special to us all. 

Today I am especially thankful for hours spent with her.

We cleaned out the house after she left us.

I have issues with hoarding keeping things that may be sentimental. 

So as we were cleaning, we found a PayDay candy bar box with the materials for making YO-YO Wreath Ornaments and I took it home (imagine that). 

The Grandchildren all have these ornaments that she made for us. 

Those are sentimental to me. 

And for 19 years now that box has languished in storage. Stuck here. Moved there. You get the picture. 

My word for 2014 has been INTENTIONAL. 

It has been a good word to choose. 

I have made decisions based on this word and completed projects because of the focus it has brought. 

I am cleaning, purging, simplifying my "STUFF" and I happened upon this box again in the last few days , but this time I picked it up and dumped it out. 

This is the photo I posted on Instagram. 

The fabric is polyester. 

I think that means it has at least a million year half life. 

There were some circles already cut.

I used those for a pattern and traced and cut the remaining fabric into circles.

There were needles and thread and even some of the ribbon she cut into hangers for these. 

The strength and spirit of Mama Norvan poured out of the box and surrounded me. 

memories, some beautiful, some bittersweet,  ALL FULL OF LOVE,  hung in the air as I worked. 

The box was damaged and deteriorated, so I sorted and cleaned out bits and tossed the dregs into the trash. I took all the circles - added a few plain cotton balls - the thread,  the few already completed yoyo bits and put them in a plastic box. 

As I waited for choir practice time last night, I started to stitch the yoyo bits. No pressure to finish anything. (hello - I have had this stuff for nearly 20 years - why put pressure on it now) 

 Just a few moments of relaxing stitching. 

A few moments of thinking about life.

About strength.

About grace.

About hope.

My life is changing.

I am finding who I am.

Girls gone onto the next phases of their lives. 

As I discover the serenity within me and seek ways to be centered and peaceful, 

I am finding that I really do like me.

There are side effects of this

I crave being in places that fill me

I crave being around people who build up.

I crave simplicity.

I seek moments to record the blessings of. 

I am blessed beyond measure. 

I will be working my way through this box of STUFF. 

Attempting to create a few of the ornaments. 

Spending time with pleasant memories of a great lady that I loved dearly.

Seems I was right --- this HOARDED box was quite full of sentimental stuff. 

What about that?