Now I Understand

Saturday.

I spent it mostly in the quiet. 

Alone in the studio --- working.

Really - I promise. 

Not even the radio for company distraction. 

It was me,

My stuff.

And my thoughts. 

And I realized something. 

I AM QUITE COMFORTABLE ALONE LIKE THAT. 

I worked - I puttered - I accomplished

I thought about life - love - being a mom to grown children. 

About everything and nothing.

I was relaxed - happy

Ended the day with my spirit and soul re-energized. 

I would migrate to the door in the beautiful early fall sunshine and 

BASK. 

I had a conversation with a friend in which I asked "what cha doing"

answered by "BASKING IN THE SUN."

And then I thought about my Daddy. 

He was so excited by hunting season every year. 

Up early - go to the woods - sit in a tree.

He would come home relaxed - happy

Deer on the back of the truck or not.

It was his way of being comfortable alone like that. 

I'm betting if he had been in the woods on Saturday

He would have BASKED in the sun too. 

Me - now I get it. 

The man - well he sat in the house - in the dark - with the clicker. 

and a beer.

and that makes me really sad for him. 

I bet he's never used the word 

BASK. 

Home ------

 your home can become a powerful catalyst for your dreams. When we stir up the energy that's floating around in your home and show you how to invite more of the good stuff in, you'll start to see beautiful change reflected back to you.  
                                                                                                                                               from the FaeSoul blog


I have always said my home was "Lived in"

But reality is - my house is FULL of crap I no longer need. 

And if I'm honest with myself --- stuff I never needed. 

And if I'm even more honest - Stuff I never really even wanted - but gathered to fill some empty hole in me soul. 

Then there is stuff I was given and felt guilty about giving away or selling. 

NOW ------ ALL THAT SHIT  stuff is just overwhelming. 

Also - when I come home there is darkness. AND there is silence. 

So my home is dark and silent and overwhelming. And lots of times I want to  avoid being there.

There - I said it. 

Now ---- time to fix it. 

I have been decluttering slowly for many years - much like paying off debt. 

It's time to start doing this differently. 

So - I'm really hoping that my stuff is just what some people are looking for. 

Look out OCTOBER 19 

Yard sale at Jones Chapel UMC Family life Center.

I'm bringing a dang trailer load. 

happy

Twice in the last week I've heard it.

"You look happy"

One friend even commented "I'll never forget seeing you walk in Subway and I thought to myself that's what a happy Teresa looks like." 

There is a reason for that. 

I am. 

I chased the sunset

It rained Saturday. 

We needed the rain. 

I sat on my porch swing and finished a baby blanket. 

After that I had the urge to clean. 

I decided to take a nap and see if the urge passed.

It did. 

Later, close to the sunset hour, I was propped on my bed chatting on the phone. 

I suddenly realize that the sky was vibrantly colored and that it had the makings for a beautiful sunset. 

So out the door I went. 

Bare feet - wet grass - in complete awe of what beauty this moment held.

This was at the road in front of my big barn.

Still on the phone, I tried to describe it. 

Words failed me. 

It looked like the sky was on fire was about the only thing I could say. 

But look at the glow on the still wet pavement. 

I watched for a few minutes after I got off the phone. 

Then I did something really out of the ordinary for me. 

I CHASED THE SUNSET.

I ran back in the house - grabbed a pair of flip flops (southern thing) and my keys.

I drove to the corner where the little store building is. 

Again look at the glow in the puddles. 

Headed west towards town - where I pulled over and watched. 

One man stopped to see if I was ok. 

I really meant it when I said YES 

and pointed - then said "just look" 

The MAN - he though I was nuts. 

Then I turned right and headed to the church - safe parking there to just watch. 

As the colors of the night crept in. 

Just look at it. 

Majesty - worship His majesty. 

Chasing the sunset. 

It left me giddy.

Breathless.

Full of JOY

Let me re state that

FULL OF JOY 

and wonder

and awe.

It felt childlike.

It felt worshipful.

It felt full of grace.

It felt beautiful.

I chased the sunset.

It was good for me. 

I praised God. 

I fell in love with life again.

And the person I was on the phone with. 

They didn't think I was crazy. 

Note - this was God's glory - I did NO editing to these pictures at all. 

Edit - to add ---- yesterday would have been my daddy's birthday. today is the anniversary of his death 33 years ago. But for the first time ever, I am simply celebrating his life and love, I am finally at peace with what happened, who I am today, and where I am on this journey called living. I think he may just be smiling down at me.

Notes........

I bought a book at our local library booksale.

A Joan Anderson book. (A weekend to change your life)

I read the opening comments and I stopped. A single sentence in the book - stopped me. Why - because that sentence resonated through my entire being.

The sentence "Along the way, I realized that the barbed labels cast my way had very little to do with me." 

And I decided that this book was to be digested and applied in small doses to be pondered and prayed and learned from.

And I looked up the book this morning and read one more line that is profound as well.  "BUT is a stopping word." 
                  as in ..... Sure I would like to BUT I have this other thing.

And now I've really made inroads on changes that I made several months ago.

I struggle with my self - image and the scars associated with cancer taunted me. I struggle with being over weight. I work out regularly - I am getting healthy - its  slow process. And I'm going to share two perspectives.

"Yes, you are overweight, I love you anyway.And I am so glad you are taking the steps to get healthy, BUT the weight you have lost really shows. You look great."

and

You look great. You excite me. I love you. 

The first one - well the little demon in my brain whispers - He loves you and he will love you more when you are even thinner. So work out harder, eat less. Was that the intention - hell no. It was meant to build up - not tear down. Did I see that the demon was awake and working over time? - HELL NO.

The second one never even wakes the damned little demon up.

Looking backwards - I can plainly see how trying to build someone up can easily tear them down. I can also see why resentment and worry and feelings of being inadequate can slowly take apart relationships one tiny little sliver at a time.

I can also see how quickly the word BUT can be used to stop the whole process.

Sure I would love to BUT let me get this event out of the way first. 

or

I know we should go have dinner (lunch, whatever) BUT I need to do this today.

Whoa --- wait.

A healthy look at that would be

Dinner? I've got a few things to finish today. Let me hunker down here and then we'll meet at 6. 
You will help me --- sure that would be fun and we get a jump on time together.

I can see now that I use the word BUT to distract me from dealing with  issues head on. Especially those that made me feel inadequate. I can also see how quickly one tiny word can do that to others. And the destruction of relationships is hardly ever that one big thing. It's a series of little slivers that shave away at it until the total collapse leaves everyone reeling. Been there - done that.

WAKE UP CALL ---- THINK ABOUT WHAT I SAY ---- ESPECIALLY TO MY CHILDREN AND OTHERS THAT I LOVE.

In pondering the decisions I've made, I know some things were mistakes. Some things were necessary. Some things were good for me. Some things were bad for me. Some things were for the best for us all. Some things .... well you know this can go on and on.

Which leads me to where this post started.

The decisions - those are mine.

The mistakes - those are mine too.

I don't need lectures. Judgements. I especially don't need negative feeling build ups.

They are my MISTAKES (and decisions) and if you don't like the ones you know about,  I'm quite sorry but they really aren't yours to deal with anyway.

ETA - this may sound like a very negative post. Its not. It's ME learning how to interact in more positive ways with people. It's ME recognizing things that destroyed me in the past and learning how to prevent that happening again. It's ME hoping that the people who read this can get a better grasp on how tiny negative things destroy and how tiny positives build.


Romans 8:28 And we know that ALL things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.


Yes that one word in there says ALL things. Even the bad decisions and mistakes. 


Now not all people react like I do to these tiny things. I'm just putting this out here to have it for my own healing. But if this resonates with you, please share. Your comments are welcome. 

In the meantime ---- I'm working on eliminating BUT from my vocabulary.

exposure -

This post makes me hyperventilate.

I feel vulnerable - exposed - even before I start typing.

See that page up there - how dirty and faded it is.

It's a short story that I wrote - YEARS ago.

Actually the very first thing I did in my way of honoring MaggieGrace. (My crafty blog is MaggieGraceCreates) You can read the story of MaggieGrace - here.

I've been encouraged by a friend to share this and I've wrestled with the decision. Why - because I'm scared of the reaction. I'm afraid of negative comments. Hell - I'm just afraid.

But today I feel strong enough - So here goes.

*****************************************************************************
NOAH, THE ARK, THE ANIMALS, and ME

Maggie attended Sunday School every Sunday. One Sunday the teacher told them story of Noah's ark.

Maggie went home and at lunch, she asked her mom - "Why did God choose Noah?

Maggie's mom said "I really think you should think about it and we'll talk again later."

After lunch, Maggie set out to find why God chose Noah and the animals.

First she went and asked her dog.

"Why did God choose dogs to go on the ark?'

Dog answered "because I warn against and protect people from danger. And I'll always be a loyal friend."

The next place Maggie went was to the barn.

She asked chicken "Why did God choose hens and roosters to go on the ark?"

Hen said "Rooster crows early in the morning to wake every one up. I can lay eggs for the people to eat for breakfast."

Maggie went along. An idea of what God did was forming in her mind.

Next to the pasture. Cow and horse were grazing.

Once again Maggie asked "Why did God choose you to go on the ark?"

Cow answered "I can give milk for the people to drink."

Horse said "I can carry people and things on my back."

Maggie was getting really close to figuring it out.

On to the woods she went.

She found owl, who was not very happy about waking up in the middle of the afternoon.

She asked again. Owl answered "Because I am wise. I know when to be quiet and just listen."

On her way back home, Maggie stopped to pick her mom a flower. The honeybee was nearby.

The bee answered her question " I make sweet honey for people to eat. Most people are afraid of me but I make honey anyway. That's what God wants us to do. Not worry about what others think. Just do what he tells us and do it to the best of our ability."

Maggie ran in the door to her mom "I understand Mom. God chose Noah because He knew he was special and would follow His directions no matter what other people thought of him."

"God also  chose each animal for the same reasons. Each animal has a special gift to the world and they do that the best they can"

"That's why God chose me. I'm special and I'm going to do whatever He says to."

Maggie's mom smiled and said "You are right. Noah built the best boat he knew how even though others laughed at him. The animals do what God tells them to do and we should too."

That night Maggie prayed this prayer.

Dear God,
Thank you for the lesson Noah and the animals taught me. Help me use my special gifts to do things for You in the best way I can. Amen.

***************************************************************************

So there it is --- and I'm still afraid.

But with my own prayers - I'm sending this out there.

Maybe this is one answer to my praying Romans 8:28 ---- is that why I am now responding to the encouragement of my friend? Is there some THING here that God wants to use? I don't have a clue, but I've wrestled with my fear and insecurity enough.

Please be gentle with me --- I feel very fragile over this one.

Much love --- Teresa

sums it up perfectly......

This picture was taken on  Saturday April 20, 2010 

On Friday, my surgeon removed what was left of my left kidney and adrenal gland. 

Cancer destroyed it. Renal Cell Carcinoma. 

I almost bled to death before the problem was discovered.

But I didn't. 

As I came out the door to my room, to start walking laps up and down the hall with my IV in tow, 

I proclaimed

"Let the pole dancing begin"

The nurses thought that was hysterical. 

There have been lots of thing happen since then as a direct result of this little

"Kidney Cancer Road Trip"

I read this statement today over at Brave Girl's Club.

Pretty much everyday was hard, pretty much everyday was beautiful. Does that make any sense?

I was thinking last evening about how cancer makes you brave, it brings you to your knees….  It makes you cry and it makes you laugh… You make choices that you never thought you would make… You make deals…. You beg…. And then you get up in the morning and you live. Either you live wherever the wind blows. Or you decide to get up and be who you really are. You learn to fight with your heart and your hands open to all that is before you. You learn to protect. You learn to let go of the control you thought you had on your life, on those you hold dear… You watch them all suffer.

Most days I had no words…  It was not always pretty….It was all  I could do. 

I added the bold to that one line. 

But that sums up life after cancer perfectly. 

I won't try to explain some of my choices. 

They are mine.

They do not have to make sense to you. 

You can read the entire post here.

Actually the entire blog is worthy of sitting down and reading.

Here I am - living - loving - growing - changing. 

My life is beautiful. 

I hope yours is too. 

Comments fixed

Hey there --- an apology here.

I thought I had the comments set so anyone could comment.

I did not.

It works now.

you can leave anonymous comments and i will get them. Please identify yourself in some way in your comment.

thanks ---

She Danced -

It was only a part of the wing. 

But I slowed and gently picked it up. 

Even broken from her it was still beautiful. 

Black and blue and orange. 

I eased the case off my phone and used that to keep it safe. 

It was me 

I kept it for weeks.

I would ease that case off and lay it in my palm. 

Studying the patterns.

Remembering.

In my mind I see her dance. 

From leaf to bloom to blade. 

I wonder. 

If she knew she was beautiful. 

If being beautiful mattered to her. 

I wonder. 

If she knew she was appreciated. 

If being appreciated mattered to her. 

I wonder if she knew I called it dancing. 

Or if she was so focused on the task at hand 

that she never realized any of it. 

She is me.

Yet still she danced. 

I can see her in my mind.

Her entire adult life was a dance. 

From the day she emerged from her cocoon. 

Right up until she met the ground where I found that little part of her. 

Even broken she is still beautiful. 

I wonder if she knew. 

I wonder if they will say these kinds of things about me. 

You know - "even broken she was still beautiful" 

I gently placed that tiny bit of wing. 

In a place of peace for me. 

Maybe she will know.

Maybe this will matter. 

She is me. 

She is beautiful.

Magical Moment

I was granted a glimpse into the magic of the universe on Saturday Morning. 

Up early. 

Dash out. 

Yard Sale Fundraiser for the local elementary school. 

Hurry home. 

Had plans. Read about that over here.

Drive in driveway. 

Gasp. 

I spotted this.

The sun was at just the right angle to highlight a perfectly formed circle spider web. 

Jump out of the car - cell phone on camera setting. 

Walk out under the trees to capture the picture.

Then I saw just how magical this was.

There were hundreds of the webs. 

Each way I turned, I saw more of them. 

The fine silken centers were perfectly formed circles.

Hung from the leaves and limbs from the wonderfully "beaded" strands.

As if the canopy of the trees was decorated with fine crochet doileys gently wafting in the breeze. 

A tiny spider waiting for a meal. 

I was mesmerized. 

I slowed down.

Breathed thanksgivings for this amazing sight. 

Watched the spiders. 

Watched the webs. 

A light breeze caused them to almost look like jellyfish under the sea. 

So fragile looking. 

But holding so very strong. 

As the light changed, some disappeared.

New ones appeared. 

It was breathtakingly beautiful.

I know the webs have a practical purpose. 

But in that moment,

All I could see,

Was the majestic beauty

Of God's creation before me. 

The image below is my favorite. 

It looks like I layered it on photoshop. 

Nope - They were that thick around me. 

They were that iridescent

The anchor lines had thick spots in them literally looking like beads.

Absolutely amazing. 

God's amazing hand in that moment. 

And it was there seemingly just for me. 

I may never witness this natural beauty again.

But I will never forget how special it was at that moment. 

And how it reminded me that the ability to recognize MAGIC is still in me.

Three years ago - on August 13, 2010 - I wrote this.

You can see the entire post here. 

This journey has been much more mentally challenging than I have admitted to anyone - even myself. I was shutting down. I was retreating into myself. I was heading to a place where I have been before and where I do not want to go again. That place where you go thru the motions but there is no spark. That place where your negative energy drains every ounce of positive in you. I can't say depressed - because it really wasn't that at all.

Today I am tired. The fatigue is very real and very dramatic, but the mental funk that I have been having with it, well it didn't show up today. I do believe the endorphins generated by exercise help keep that fuzz and funk at bay.

I am still fairly quiet - but I am pondering a few things still. And I have the BIG tests on Tuesday. The contrast scans to be sure there is no more cancer floating around. So that's hanging in my brain.

I am going to say something here. I am not doing this to hurt anyone and I apologize if offense is taken. Yes, I am doing great. Yes, this has been a dramatic and traumatic journey. I hide it oh so very well. The mask is the one thing I can put on to protect those around me. See, knowing that I am struggling makes many of my closest very uncomfortable. I understand that, it is hard to watch a loved one struggle in any way. So I hide it and I have my dark moments alone. I don't want people to be uncomfortable. It's easier this way.

I'm pondering still - and I'm thinking about the fact that I still wear masks - and the ones I keep wearing the most diligently are not to protect me.

The masks I guard and put on faithfully are those that I wear to protect those I love the most.

Look at the water droplets - I noticed them while I was sitting in the doorway of the studio. A line of droplets. A path in the fold of a blade of grass. A tiny tiny detail.

And the words of a friend came to mind.

"I take good notes."

That same friend and I discuss the storm clouds we often see in each other's eyes.

I go back and read through the cancer story on MaggieGrace. It was a beginning for a part of my story. It was an end for part of my story. I can see through my mask so clearly when I read the words. I was afraid. Afraid to live and afraid I would die. I was lonely and alone. I wanted someone to see the clouds and say - "storms a-brewing" much like that last scene in the first Terminator movie.

I wasn't alright ---- but I am now.

Drop number one - drop number two - drop number three ----- on and on and on and on. Soon you have a branch - then a creek - then a river. And when you follow the river - you eventually get to the sea. And the river of fresh water is suddenly changed to a huge body of salt water.

Drop one - drop two - drop three ---- all leading up to changes in me.

I take really good notes -

I'm different today -----

But yet, I'm still me.