As 2015 closes ---- a look back

My youngest graduated from college.

She moved to New York.

I am so proud of the young woman she is becoming.

My oldest daughter moved from an apartment into a house.

She had big breakthroughs in her research projects.

She gave credit to the good Lord.

I am so proud of the young woman she is becoming. 

Me. 

I have struggled.

Stopped.

Regrouped.

Stumbled.

Got back up.

Started over.

It has been a tough year.

I took lots of beautiful photographs. 

the one above a favorite.

I made lots of projects (finished a few from the past as well) 

And as difficult a year it has been for me (and a certain Crusty Old Guy),

I continue to proclaim

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

Photo above courtesy of Molly.

I am a survivor. 

Although I no longer wear that necklace 100% of the time. 

Why? Because I no longer have to remind myself anymore. 

I have gained some weight back. 

How? Enjoying the hell out of life beautiful.

Taking the time to eat dinner with friends.

Or solitude by myself. 

But then came the end of year commitment that I made to Molly.

I may have continued some over indulging on eating, but I honored the agreement to run a half marathon for my 50th birthday. 

Hardest thing I have ever done voluntarily.

But I did it. 

I trained.

I was ready.

Cancer scans first though.

Good news - you don't have cancer.

Bad news - there is a blockage in your kidney.

untreated leads to dialysis and ultimately transplant. 

I have no time for that. 

SO 

I scale back my actual  half marathon approach

run it a little slower than planned

still - I finished in under 4 hours (my personal goal) 

and to protect my kidney through the run. I drank extra and was careful about staying as hydrated as possible. 

3:44:27 

one kidney 

cancer survivor twice

facing surgery when this is all over.

makes me pretty badass I think. 

then surgery.

stent placed. 

follow up. 

didn't work

do over

second surgery

another stent

pray this one works.

today finds me recovering from two kidney surgeries in two weeks

hopefully not facing a third. 

I hate anesthesia

I hate pain meds

I hate being a singular kidney person

I didn't ask for this. 

and today finds me realizing that I can hate it all I want to

But I still have to walk this path. 

Because the alternative really sucks

it also finds me re-committing to be as healthy as I possible can. 

I'll be eating better

exercising better

stress relieving better (this is the biggest reason for my weight gain)

the stress affects the adrenal function negatively. 

because life really is beautiful and I got no desire to stop participating in proclaiming that fact. 

And I am sure there are gonna be some really great moments to collect in the coming year. 

So look out 2016 --- Progress is the word --- this one could shake some people's world

2016 approaches ----- one word 2015 recap

I chose SEEK as my word for 2015.

These words described various things I would seek 

I will SEEK 

better health

better living

more beauty

ways to accomplish goals

better relationships

more grace

more strength

growth

I will seek purpose

joy

time

kindness / and ways to be kind

Opportunity to be generous

wisdom

SO many things to SEEK

And I sought and I found. 

I ran my first half marathon - that was grueling. But I trained hard and I met my goals to complete it. 

Nothing like your daughter meeting you at the finish line to drape your medal around your neck. 

I took literally thousands of stunning photos.

I directed a wedding and gave the bride some special moments.

I sought opportunity to give - share - love. 

It has been a full and beautiful year. 

Here at the closing of the year, a medical issue came to light. 

After losing a kidney, I have to be very proactive on taking care of my remaining one. 

Scans show a blockage.

So we dealt with that and now I am on the road to that recovering.

And I made decisions that made others unhappy with how I dealt with this.

But you know what - I never felt alone this time.

That was one thing I sought as well - improved relationships. 

As 2016 approaches I have been pondering my word for the year. 

I think it will be 

PROGRESS

I want to see progress in my life.

I want to see progress in simplifying.

I want to see progress in my health 

I want my relationships to show progress. 

My health

My faith

So much potential.

So PROGRESS it will be. 

The photos are mine.

I hit the Jones Chapel parking lot at just the right time for those last two. 

Brilliant morning light just kissing the steeple. 

I love this image. 

I love my life.

It is quite beautiful every single day.

Looks like I have made some PROGRESS already. 

Brutal Honesty About my Cancer 19 and 6 Years Out

 

yesterday I had scans.

 

 

I worked hard to be ready for the day off work.

 

 

I drank water and coffee diligently in order to be hydrated and have a full bladder.

 

 

I hoped like hell I didn't cough or sneeze, because, I have had two children and we know how that works.

 

Did I mention that I have had a cold?

Go ahead and process that.

 

Sign in for said scan process to start.

Find out that No One chose to let me in that I was supposed to drink the Barium stuff starting two hours before said scan.

Now that would have been helpful.

 

Oh and lets mention that No One called to inform me that I even had scans scheduled.

 

I learned of it from the insurance approval letter.

 

I then called and learned that I had missed the original appointment.

 

Again that same No One found that unimportant.

 

I had bloodwork in that same lab on the day of the original scan appointment.

At least they tried to be considerate of my time.

 

But the receptionist nor the vampire chose to look at the full record about why I was there.

And the vampire cruised right thru my vein.

Bruised much .......uh yup.

 

Now new day.... not as prepared as I thought.

 

Off to the hospital I go

With my smoothie from hell.

Berry smoothie my ass.

 

Check in for a chest xray.

Walk in is how they describe it.

Again ..... oh my aching ass.

Walk in.... check with first receptionist... be beeped thru a door.... sign in on an iPad that refuses to believe I know my birthdate...... get the nice lady to help me verify my birthdate..... "yes ma'am I'm quite sure this is correct." ....... have a seat...... 45 minutes later... walk to another receptionist..... again give my credentials to prove that I am Teresa Atkinson and that, yes that is my correct birthday.... have another 45 minute seat.... allowing me time to finish that damned smoothie flavored bottle of crap....... finally hear my name called and respond to a nice young man who escorts me into the xray wing.... and yes that is my name and my correct birthdate....... please change into this pretty fashion statement gown. ....... face here..... hold onto these handles.... all good. ...... yes I had to wait all that time for a 30second procedure....... how effing convenient is this crap.

 

Drive back to first lab...... have had two hours worth of berry  smoothie in my gut...... sign in ......that damned date again.

 

"Mrs Atkinson we are ready...... can you verify your birthdate......."

 

Its raining.... its 3pm....I have not eaten.....I am frustrated beyond measure aaaand she gets the iv needle against a valve and in trying to adjust the needle she blows the vein.

 

Frustration level two......

 

Finally get iv working.

 

Inject glow juice....... in and out..... take a deep breath.... hold it.... now breathe. Again. Again. Again. All done. But "you might want to ice that vein"

 

 

Now .........

 

Wait for two weeks....... worry like hell if they find something ......frustration level three.

 

Here's  the deal

 

I did not want to be a cancer survivor

But I am.

I did not want major parts of my daily life to be forever changed.

But they are.

I did not want to lose friends because of how cancer changed me and how I live each day.

But it happened.

I did not want to deal with a lot of this alone for a long time.

But I did.

I did not sign up to be inconvenienced on a regular basis by a medical system that doesn't understand that fact.

But I deal with it and the way it works.

I damn well did not sign up for the hurry up and worried wait that is the norm in the medical community.

That shit needs fixing.

 

I an a cancer survivor.

For that I am forever grateful.

But as a cancer survivor, I am regularly exposed to the medical / insurance culture.

Honestly ..... it really sucks.

Hurry up.

More people thru.

Wait.

No your insurance says you have to here for this test.

Yes you need this scan, but you have to go to this lab for that.

 

It could work this way...... blood work, chest xray, scans. Mrs Atkinson heres what we need.....

 

You will do all this right here in this lab on this date.

You'll need to drink contrast. Would like to pick it up here, or should we mail it to you? Yes your insurance has been approved. Good to go.

Please wear comfortable clothing the day of. You can bring a sleep shirt or gown, or we will have one you can change into easily here. Thank you so very much. The doctor will get with you in a few days (not two weeks) with your results. Yes ma'am I know this is stressful.

 

Just recognize me.

Make the process as stress free as possible.

 

Until then, i'll be over here icing this throbbing blown out vein and crying because adrenal fatigue is causing me to hurt all over.

 

 

Now.... please don't send tacky gram nastiness.

I am grateful that I am a survivor.

The rant is about the lack of a compassionate medical culture and process.

Each person I dealt with yesterday was an individual who was nice and professional.

They all treated me with respect.

My care group is excellent.

But it is frustrating to have five different visits for testing and a full month of waiting to find out if I remain a survivor.

Or if I will have to fight that cancer demon again.

And yes I turned 50 on Bastille Day 2015
It will take a little effort, but you can figure out my birthdate from that information.

Then I won't have to know it. You can tell me what it is.
 

 

Life is still beautiful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Settling

There's this word

Settling

We used to talk about it

How it became a way of living

Like it was a bad thing

I've come a long way since those days.

I smile a LOT more

I feel a lot healthier

And I am still settling

But it's different now.

It's not a bad thing

This place I find myself

My name is Teresa

Some call me Miss Teresa

Several call me Mama T

I am so many things to so many people

I am a friend

I am a person who leans 

And allows herself to be leaned on

I am settling for being the best me I can 

Every day.

I am running - literally

I am training for a half marathon

It concerns some

Thrills others

I am being cautious with my health

eating better

drink less sugar (oh how I do love some sweet tea) 

I stay away from -

artificial sweeteners

carbonated stuffs

all those foods that trigger adrenal fatigue

Oh but I do love me butter pecan ice cream

and there's this person who will go on out there and help me find it

I try to rest.

Take care of myself. 

reflect on thanksgivings

I am settling

Settling for being the best me I can be. 

I am learning

New things every day.

Learning by studying 

Learning by accident (those are often the best lessons)

Learning by observing

Learning that following my heart is absolutely the best thing I can do for me

My newest jewelry creations are some of my best. 

My newest altered journals too

then there is the teaching

Of others to create their own versions of crafty beauty.

Oh how learning to teach has blessed me. 

i am settling

Settling with the knowing that learning never ends. 

Photography

Not something I ever considered trying to be good at. 

Then Cancer took my breath away

And photographing details and moments 

gives my my breath back. 

I see it

I frame it on the screen

Then when I pull it up on the big computer screen 

I may gasp again

That moment

Those feelings frozen in that image. 

Then others may see it too.

(the above flag in the clouds was from July 4, 2015 and I was watching, waiting for beauty)

(and I found it. this one was featured on FOX5 News out of Atlanta)

I am settling - with the fact that this camera can give me and others a tiny glimpse of beauty 

And that is an amazing thing

Flea markets

Junk stores

Encounters with "friends I did know I would have"

Dinners shares

Families blessed

Many cups of coffee

A very public, strong, beautiful relationship

I am settling for life is not perfect

I am settling for how we love each other. 

I am settling for open support.

I am settling for agreeing to disagree

Yes - Lord how I am settling.

For life being beautiful

As age takes its toll. 

I have more wrinkles and grey hair

I have aches and pains that are directly related to the cancer I survived

and some that are just because I am not 20 anymore

And yet I feel more beautiful moments every single day

I refuse to hide any of them

I am settling with who I am

Who I have been

and

Who I might be

That kind of settling feels good all the way to the core of my being.

I am settling with the knowledge that I don't have an unlimited supply of these left for me.

But I am also settling with celebrating every single one I do get. 

Life is beautiful ---- live it beautiful in your way

EVERY SINGLE DAY.

My Empty Nest

Abby has gone North.

She now has a Staten Island, NY Address

A New York Drivers License

And a New York voter registration.

I am so very proud of her adventurous step out into the world.

There's Joe - he's part of the reason for this little residence change.

(Someday, I may forgive him for taking here way off up there) 

(Just kidding - he is in the NYPD Academy and will soon be one of New York's Finest Officers - how could you not be proud of the young man) 

Mama has an Abby sized hole in her world.

But then this little guy joined us. 

Elias Charles Felton

August 26, 2015

9lbs 1oz

He's a cutie - don't you think?

I'm spending time strolling, riding, running.

Making my own transitions for this particular time in my life. 

At times my view feels a little bit hazy.

Much like Madison County on a foggy country morning.

And sometimes it feels like I can see beauty for miles.

Sunsets and sunrises.

Still I collect them.

Reminders that God is generous with Grace and Beauty.

There is an occasion critter encounter.

Again reminders that no matter what the circumstance may be, He is there.

Plans for my future are solid.

So here I find myself. 

Mama to two

Mama T to several more

Watching - waiting - knowing.

Empty nest and all. 

And hard working hands gently cradle a sweet one.

(be still my heart)

We pray for him so

This world is so hard now.

And getting harder every moment.

Little Eli - I hope you too, like big Cam, will be able to say 

"Pop is my best friend" 

or

"I was having too much fun with Mama T to miss you mama"

Only forward.

remembering

My sister was in the hospital.

Complications from a gallbladder surgery.

She is going to be fine.

I am writing this because of my visit with her.

ARMC - 6th floor - unexpected, blindsiding reminder

I got off the elevator on the same floor I spent time on when I gave my kidney up to cancer.

Start towards her room -

Walking through the lobby area just off the elevators I was stopped in my tracks by the sunset view from those windows.

It was a view much like this that accompanied me in that same lobby over five years ago.

The view where I sat ALONE. Wondering what was to come.
The view where I sat ALONE. Bargaining with GOD.
The view where I sat ALONE. Making peace with whatever the outcome may be.

ALONE seems to be important in this, and it was - the being ALONE and the knowing that I was ALONE changed some things for me that have made my life so much better.

But this view was also where I told the lady about my faith . and it was where I decided to live fully - every single day.

In the few seconds it took to walk through that lobby, there was a flash flood of memory that washed over me and once again, I reaffirmed my vow to live fully - EVERY SINGLE DAY.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I found a card yesterday.  There were words about my parenting of the girls. Softball Princess took off last week into the next phase of her journey. Staten Island,NY. The words were more appropriate than anyone could anticipate.  Thank you.

Story --- About the Ring Pillow

My best friend's daughter got married.

She asked ME to direct this big event. 

That was an honor in and of itself. 

But I wanted to do something really special for her. 

As it turned out, the thing she asked me to do was even more special than I ever imagined. 

Let's start with a definition

HEIRLOOM - a valued possession passed down in a family.

HERITAGE -a special possession

HEARTFELT - sincere emotion, deeply or strongly felt.

now for the task before me. 

I received a package.

From Renee and Melissa

It contained the ring pillow Melissa used in her wedding.

Made by Granny just for her.

Kept for many years.

A work of HEART from a loved one. 

Simply made. 

With love.

The package also contained lace.

From Melissa and David's wedding.

Which happened to coordinate with the pink tones Renee had chosen. 

There was a small problem with the pillow. 

After all these years.

A stain. 

Wicked into the fabric. 

The instructions.

Please try to use something of this. 

There were two rings, and we really want the ring to stay.

If you can't do this, it's ok. 

"HELLO - I AM MISS TERESA"

This baby wants to use this pillow.

We will make it happen. 

I held onto that pillow and I prayed. 

For inspiration.

For understanding.

For Renee to know just how honored I was by this task. 

I was given an idea. 

One that will allow this to really be passed along.

One that created story. 

So here is what I sent Renee in a text.

Everything that was a part will still be there, plus the new.

Much like life, we build on our heritage.

We bring parts with us.

The damaged and difficult does not go away.

But over time, beautiful things come to move us beyond the difficult.

I pray for you and Nick as I work.

You are such a blessing in my life.

Oh how I love you. 

And I set to work.

Bridal Lace

A beautiful gift from a friend in just the right time.

(God provides) 

I took the lace and some of mom's vintage lace.

(yes Melissa - vintage)

I pinned them onto a backer fabric.

Added some cream stain ribbon. 

Stitch - Pray - Stitch

I created a cover. 

The details are exquisite. 

Softball Princess was a bridesmaid.

When I picked up her dress, I snagged a bit of the pink fabric.

Added some additional fabrics and made a melty flower. 

Centered with a button from my stash. 

I took the tiny bows from the unstained side of the pillow, along with the ring. and another piece of Mom's lace. 

I experimented with placement and decided to tuck the ribbons underneath the flower on top of Mom's lace. 

Then - a cross.

There are very personal reasons for this addition.

This cross actually belonged to Molly

Giving it to Renee was a very healing thing for me. 

This was a very personal discussion between me and Renee. 

But the basics of it 

God has his hand in everything. 

We do not need to control it all. 

When we are baptized, He rejoices.

He will be a part of our life, even when we try to turn away from him. 

He is there for all of our trials and for all of our victories.

By sharing Molly's cross, I completed my acceptance for her decision to 

become a part of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

It was actually a very beautiful thing to fully accept this and move on. 

So the cross in this case is a symbol of Grace.

A symbol of Faith.

A symbol of Healing.

A symbol of Accepting with Love.

A symbol of God's plan for Eternal Life. 

All of this was handstitched onto the fabric cover and then handstitched to the original pillow.

Covering the stain. 

This can be removed. 

Added to.

Adapted.

For future brides.

Thus becoming a true heirloom. 

A cell phone shot of the finished pillow. 

Fast forward to wedding weekend. 

A minute alone with Renee and her sweet family. 

Moments of tears as I explained my feelings about the process. 

About symbolism

About Story

About Love

The original item is still there.

Still full of Granny's love.

With my love and prayers added. 

For this child we have all prayed.

Renee, I love you so.

Story -

I was asked to direct the wedding of my Best Girlfriend's daughter.

What a responsibility.

What an honor.

It was hard work.

It was fatigue inducting. 

It was glorious. 

The next few posts will be about the wedding and details.

But this one.....

This post is about story.

About friendship.

About love, laughter, acceptance, grace, forgiveness.

About two women with history. 

About two women with future. 

About Melissa and I

********************************************

Once upon a time, a young family visited Jones Chapel UMC. 

Then they became regular attending folks. 

A nice man with a beautiful wife.

And three adorable little girls. 

Outside the church, I called them 

"that couple with the three pretty little girls"

We became friends.

Our girls became friends. 

That became a close friendship. 

We were together A LOT. 

There was soccer, softball, basketball.

There was youth and children's work at church.

There were parties and gatherings.

Phone calls.

Visits.

(being knocked down stairs)

(Moving dinner parties)

There was even my breaking and entering her house 

(Long story, but she "supposedly left a key" and that didn't work out) 

And there are many INSIDE JOKES

Melissa is a bit older than I 

and

a long, long, time ago

there was a discussion

about how 

OLD PEOPLE COLLECT BREAD TIES

please go read at the link, it makes this make sense.

Welcome back.

Melissa and I (she's the pretty one on the right)

Friday Night at the rehearsal dinner.

Several years ago - I made her a 40th Birthday Crown from bread ties.

On Friday night, She handed me a bag and said 

"we got you something"

Not expected by me,

Appreciated. Yes.

And Her daughter says I cannot wait to see her face. 

I began to open my gift.

Lift tissue paper out.

See THAT SAME DANGED CROWN.

Melissa had kept it all these years. 

Knowing the RIGHT time would come to return it. 

As you can see in the the picture below,

I immediately burst into hysterical laughter

Because I just KNEW.

I laughed.

I cried.

I snorted - yes.

I almost wet myself.

It was that funny.

And I was moved beyond measure. 

There were "real" gifts that I glanced at in that bag. 

Gifts of monetary value. 

Selected especially for me. 

I love them.

But upon pulling that crown from the wrapping, I had just unwrapped the REAL gift.

A gift of friendship.

One that has been through trials.

Through laughter, tears, joy, fears.

One that moved a half cooked dinner party from one house to another because the football game was blacked out.

Has drank together.

Has cried together.

Has prayed together.

Has praised together. 

Has endured two weddings (three more to go)

Has accepted changes.

Has endured medical crisis.

Has kept secrets.

Has spoken honestly.

Has spoken unkindly.

Has begged forgiveness

Has given grace. 

A friendship that has history - and future.

A friendship that picks right up again even after long periods of time together.

As her daughter said.

The crown was the real gift in that bag.

Yes, that keeping of the crown all these years

makes the crown (remember it was made from trash)

have such a beautiful value.

Because 

that crown is a visible reminder of the real gift

A GOD BLESSED FRIENDSHIP.

I how I hope each and everyone who lives finds a this kind of beautiful friendship.

Melissa Ellisor. 

I love you like a sister. 

Thank you for loving me.

And may the bread tie battle rage on.

(these are cell phone pictures from that moment)

(thanks to whoever captured this)