It's Quiet in the Woods (not really)

I am an adult novice hunter. 

That sounds a bit strange, but I have not had a long gun in my hands since I was 15.

My dad passed away then and all of that kind of thing went away. 

I've been going to deer camp for several years now.

Going with someone. 

Sitting in a stand with someone.

Taking my camera.

Enjoying the peace that comes from spending time in nature. 

(all kids need to do this --- I repeat ALL kids need serious time away from electronics and indoor stuff) 

A conversation last fall started a series of events that found me,  in the pre-sunrise hours on Saturday morning, putting on camo/safety orange and climbing on a four wheeler to drive myself to my own stand in the woods. I've a new gun slung across my chest. A pistol at my side. A backpack with water, camera, flashlight, extra ammo, a notepad and my crochet project.

I do not consider myself a hunter. It is still about photography for me. But this property also is home to feral hogs, coyote, and you never know, maybe a trophy buck.  Crusty Old Guy insisted that if I am going to the woods by myself, I need to be armed. So the process proceeded. 

And here I find me.

Sunrise in the woods.

I find my stand. 

Climb, 

Get situated. 

And I sit. 

LISTENING. 

The woods are peaceful in this time. 

There are sounds of the critters beginning to stir. 

I barely see a rabbit scurry out of the open plot. 

Then my newest friend shows up.

Go here to hear what I listened to for a solid three hours. 

A woodpecker - I never saw him, but he/she was sure hammering on the trees. 

That was it. 

My phone died for reasons unknown. 

There were moments when it was SO STILL that I could hear my hook pulling through the yarn. 

But in those still, even noisy moments, I was able to THINK. 

I did not see another critter.

Thinking about everything, and nothing. 

About the man who had given me this gift.

The gift of  recognizing beauty in nature. 

My Daddy. 

How the accident that took him from me had changed everything. 

About the Crusty Old Guy, giving me a new version of this gift, by allowing me to work into this position this morning. Slowly. I have inconvenienced him all this time by going with him and there are locations that two people cannot comfortably or practically go. 

I find myself pondering my health -----

I find myself pondering my path ------

I crochet and I have these conversations in my mind. 

I have nothing to kill but time. 

My phone is dead. I have no idea what time it is. But I stay three washcloths and a coaster for the morning hunt. 

On the way back to the campers, I see those flowers above and I think of my Nanny - she called them "frost flowers" because they bloom just before the first frost of the season.

Although I have been by the tree below hundreds of time, I never noticed that the "cross" branch is not the same species and yet it goes through the tree. This is the kind of natural occurrence that I find fascinating 

An afternoon of busy. 

No nap this day. 

Decisions about hunting locations are discussed. 

I can choose any one of  a number of places. 

But I decide to go back to the same one. 

Again - me - my stuff - my crochet - my thoughts. 

Some of them are very personal. Some are just absolutely fun. Some are very much worthy of sharing. 

I feel a bit lost right now. 

My health is an issue.

I am uncomfortable with joint inflammation a lot. 

The thyroid issue seems to be at the root of my weight problem. 

I am not sleeping well. 

I feel anxiety building in me. That is an unfamiliar feeling. 

I go with it and see where it leads me. 

When I find it leading to a seriously negative place, I make a deliberate decision to back off.

"for I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

This verse follows one of the more familiar verses (Isaiah 41:10), but  I find the 13th one to be the one I recite to myself often. I like the image of God holding my hand. 

Just as I am holding this prayer meeting over myself, this little guy steps into the food plot. 

What? 

Unicorns do exist. 

This guy is in no danger from me. I reach for my camera, not my gun. 

And I proceed to be aware of my breathing, my heartbeat, my every motion, in order not to startle him away. 

I want to watch him as long as possible. 

He ambles.

Grazes.

There is such peace watching him. 

He scratches, flicks that tail with the "all is well" motion. 

Yes buddy, all is well.

I can't decide if he has broken that second antler off or if it hasn't developed. 

It doesn't seem that he is injured at all. 

But in those moments, I am fully aware that being here is the best "self care" I can give myself. 

I find myself again lifting gratitude for this encounter. 

For 40 MINUTES, he ambles and grazes. 

40 BEAUTIFUL minutes.

He had a squirrel friend join him and that was fun to watch as well. 

Running - gathering - chittering. 

I'm telling this as a chronological story. 

It was a beautiful moment for me. 

The profound part of the story was not really seeing this guy. 

The profound part was realizing just how much my life has changed since I did not die in 2010 from renal cell carcinoma. 

I also realized that, no matter what the outcome of this next health challenge is, I will be surrounded by beauty and by beautiful people. 

God is good - so good.

I have been allowed to experience this guy up close. He literally walked straight to the stand. I looked down from the window and could have easily been able to spit on him. 

Such a beautiful moment. 

All photos are mine. 

I am creating a "tales from the woods" tag for tracking these stories.

Hopefully there will be more fun stuff under this heading. 

Life is crazy beautiful.

Here I go again

In early September, I had my yearly wellness visit. 

I've been struggling with some issues and I brought that up. 

The issues seem so insignificant.

But since I am so aware of how my body feels everyday, I knew something was up. 

I have the most amazing medical team and sweet Sarah added some additional labs to the work up.

A Rheumatology Panel, an extra Endocrine panel. 

Both came back with some concerning numbers. 

The inflammation numbers were high, but for now, this is discounted because as a singular kidney patient I cannot that anti-inflammatory meds and the endocrine results show that I could have some issues that cause those. 

So deeper investigation on the endocrine side - aka more tests. 

Well tumor markers were high. 

Hmm. 

Thyroid numbers at all levels were off. 

So off to the imaging labs, I trekked. 

We have discovered a little issue.

Hello everyone. Meet NORMAN. He's a thyroid nodule, we suspect that he is my troublemaker. 

This discovery has me scheduled for a biopsy later this month with an Endocrine Specialist. 

Thus the reason for this title.

HERE I GO AGAIN. 

Spending money on medical stuff. 

Searching for answers. 

This is a path all too familiar for me. 

And yet, I do not feel anxious. 

Wait - what? - did I just type that? 

Yes, I do not feel terribly anxious.

Frustrated? - yes

Had a minor pity party? - yup, it lasted all of about 3 minutes. 

Anger? - that's my most common expected response - but it's more about the inconvenience.

But I have not even thought - Why me? 

BLESSED? - so very much. This is my reality. 

Prayers surround me - I feel them - blessed.

The day I got the results of the scan, a phone call to my partner in crime brought the phrase "need me to pack up and come on?"  - blessed

Family, girlfriends, buddies, customers, co-workers supporting me?  - full on - blessed

Fantastic medical team? - blessed

Job that will not have an issue with dealing with whatever this is? - blessed

Faith that no matter what this is, I will be okay? - blessed

Being blessed and grateful for that gives me a relief from anxiety, and I can genuinely say, I am okay. 

so for right now here is where I am ---- I have a nodule in my thyroid - it may be cancer - we will find out - I am blessed beyond measure to have a fabulous support network. 

We will simply do the next right thing. 

I refuse to jump way ahead in this process. 

Mostly, I just want to feel better. 

Life is crazy beautiful. 

Yes all photos are mine --- that scan photo is mine (I paid for the danged thing so I'm claiming it. )

On rising above -----

Not once yesterday did I think about surviving cancer ----- not even once.

I thought about beauty.

I thought about gifts.

I thought about laughter.

I thought about intimacy.

I thought about strength.

I thought about gratitude.

I thought about love.

I'm calling that a beautiful day.

(honestly they all are beautiful - this one just had that extra gift)

The thing that cost so much ------

Sunday was Easter.

The sunrise service was beautiful.

Breakfast was amazing. ( Methodists can really cook - and they take a potluck seriously) 

The cantata was harmony. 

The lunch was delicious.

The nap was then fretful.

And the awakening from that nap was wretched. 

Because Sunday was also the anniversary of  the Renal Cell Carcinoma surgery that took my left kidney. 

The day of my surgery is the day that cost so much. 

See, I woke from that surgery with my Aunt and Uncle there with me. 

I love them both dearly and I am forever glad that they were there.

Otherwise, I would have awakened alone. 

There was no intention of harm to my soul, however it happened. 

He knew I was to be okay. 

The doctors had covered the surgery and outcome with him. 

He was relieved. 

He left the hospital and me in the quite capable hands of my loved ones. 

It cost me dearly - that decision. 

I was once again for a major medical issue - ALONE. 

Previous to this - I had pursued the follow up for breast cancer - alone.

Every damned mamogram.

It was just me and the medical people who covered it all. 

Every damned scan. 

And Sunday - as I woke from the nap - there it was again. the memory of alone. 

Twice since then - he has attended church. 

he would have attended at Christmas, but my anger over this reared it's head and there was a confrontation about it. 

And so - on Easter Sunday - the pews filled with new Easter clothes covered families - I wore black and sat by myself. 

Like so many other Sundays. 

But this time I know I am not alone. 

He is with me. 

He brings joy.

He encourages me.

He recognizes me.

Calls me by name. 

Jones Chapel UMC loved me through so much. 

God has loved me through so much. 

I am tired.

Cancer took so much from me. 

It's time for me to take some of those things and move forward again. 

Hold on to your hats people. I made a decision on April 16, 2010.

I think seven years is long enough to be patient. 

I almost wrote "don't you?"

But it is time for me to stop the worrying about what YOU think.

I'm picking up the pieces. 

And --- I know who I can lean on to help

HERE'S THAT SLOW MOVING TRAIN AGAIN

Note - I am an amateur phtographer - all photos on this post are mine - there may not be specific commentary on them, but they represent moments that were important to record.

My 2016 word was PROGRESS. 

It was a year of that kind of thing. 

I made PROGRESS in a lot of areas. 

But I was not really very proactive in pursuing PROGRESS.

This year is different. 

I've chosen REFOCUS as my word for 2017.

And I am already making my plans for a strong year.

Financially - Emotionally - Mentally - Creatively - Serving Others

Functionally 

It's difficult to put where I am in these areas into words.

Things are fine, nothing is wrong, I just have no real way to describe this "place" where I am. 

So I'm doing the hard work of putting something indescribable into words and a plan. 

Look at that statement and say it.

Bless Her Heart -- (insert southern clucking sounds here)

I've taken to handwashing my dishes. Doesn't take that long. Gives me a feeling of control when I see the stack on the drain tray. Yes, tray. When I handwash, I have a silver tray by the sink. One I would rarely use other wise. It is so pretty and I want to be surrounded by things that I like to see. 

For years - the counters were cluttered - and I didn't even realize that it bothered me. But the coffec maker was there and the plants and this and that and --- and ---- and.

There was NEVER any prep space around the sink so I worked in a tiny little 6 inch edge in front of all that crap. 

This time I've placed things better --- there's a NICE cutting board that I almost hesitated to use because it is so damned gorgeous. But as I chop vegetables - I find myself looking and getting fully lost in that activity - I also appreciate that beautiful craftsmanship with every cut. Call it a WIN for living beautifully. 

Add one silver tray - lined with a tapestry placemat -- use hand crocheted dish cloths and hand embellished drying towels - YES THIS FEELS beautifully authentic me for some crazy reason. 

Oh and the coffee maker is still there - complete with my upside down cup waiting for the next fully savored cup to be made - it's is covered with a handkerchief drape to keep the dust at bay. Makes me happy too. 

Simplicity - that's a craving I've identified. 

It doesn't mean living without things.

It means living without excess things.

I sort through the years of stuff. This has a use. This has a place. This is damned gorgeous and thus with be given a place.  This has emotional ties. Then "why the hell do I have this?" 

Those WHY THE HELL? things are easier now than they were - I've sold some, gifted some, donated some trashed a shitload of them. 

It's that last category of things that baffles me. The ones that don't fit any of the above categories. So I have a box for those - a copier paper sized box. I put those in the box as my mind freezes on what to do about those. And they wait. But only until the box is full. Then I get my mind settled to DEAL with the contents of the box. I dump it out - I touch those things - I try to REFOCUS on them and I try to give them a place. It's slowly allowing me to gain ground in the simplifying process. Some make multiple trips through THE BOX. But such is life and the hard work of being authentic. 

Photographs - preserving a moment in time so that one can revisit the image and be reminded of the moment. 

When I see that picture above, I smell salt water, I feel the breeze coming off the ocean, the sound of the surf as it crosses the sand. There's a bird or two. There's even the sound of the pool pump. The scrape of chairs as others emerge into the morning. I hear laughter among our little group. I smell coffee. I hear the traffic along the street out front. 

Just to the left of this image - there's a shrimp boat. If I zoom way in with the lens, I can see the crew on the deck, working, to bring fresh shrimp for someone's dinner tonight. 

To the right - on the sand - a couple walks slowly - stopping to pick up something occasionally. The rental guy drives along the beach - putting out the chairs and umbrellas. Joggers - bicycles. It's all there. 

But you can't see all of that - you have a horizon sunrise over the water. Some clouds at the horizon line. A fun shape silhouetted against the sun. 

Is my FULL PROCESS image better than your PRETTY image? 

Or does the image bring a moment to your mind and fill in those missing parts for you? 

These things are in my head as I see the image I want to capture. Am I photographing for me? Or am I photographing for others? 

And how do I reconcile the stories into an image I will share? 

Also, how best to share the images? 

Should I pursue postcards - some have suggested that? 

Note cards?

Would my images be marketable?

Do I want that to happen?

Or do I want to simply be here and reminded of why the image is a time record of a special moment for me? 

Just questions.

Molly - my sweet child. The one who change my name and my heart to Mama. 

Molly was blindsided by her husband deciding that he wanted out in 2016. 

Let me tell you how difficult that is for a MAMA. She was devastated. 

Then perspective started to happen. See, Molly was a sick little girl. She was not eating right for the kind of training she was doing. She was running a LOT. She was in a horrible stressful situation in her post graduate program. And after the fact, we learned that the stresses of her home situation were astronomically larger than that. So she lost weight. She cried. She didn't sleep. She withdrew from family situations. It was horrid for this MAMA to watch. 

Then the bottom fell out from under her. 

She came HOME. 

That has been my goal in everything with my girls, To give them a safe place to land while they are exploring their wings. 

She soon discovered that she was not ALONE. 

That she was loved beyond measure by so damned many people. 

Snippets of our conversations from the past several months.

"look at these Facebook pictures Mom, Hello, I KNOW I was there - but am I included ?--- No just him and her."

"I think in your twenties, you think you know everything, then as you gain life experience, you realize that you don't know a damned thing."

"I will NEVER make you and your sister choose."

It has been so hard --- and it has been so beautiful - and it has been so challenging. 

But in the photos around the Holidays, I can see the light coming back on in her eyes. 

She's so much healthier. and a little bit wiser.

And, just like her MAMA, she is trying on who she really is. As she is finding what fits, those are the things she is keeping. 

I do think she is gaining some wisdom. Don't you?

I wear so many hats at work. My actual title is Showroom Manager. But I sell at the counter. And I manage the office and inventory. All the paperwork. All the management reports.

I clean the bathrooms - take out the trash - sweep the sidewalk - etc. 

Lest you think it is a one person operation - there is a counter/warehouse manager and a delivery driver.

We are a small store - and we work really well together. 

But as a result, I get really scattered. 

I have the showroom and that office. I have the management office. I have the counter and warehouse area. 

And my damned pen and / or coffee cup could be anywhere in any of those areas. 

It's a problem - sometimes - but I am slowly learning to keep up with things in many different ways. 

Folders - files - lists. This plan. This report. UGH. 

I do want to display a more professional appearance here, but still keep it well in my personal style. 

Again - I am so unsure of where / how to proceed with that project. 

For just today, I think I'll clear the 2016 POA files and get those packed away.......

Then I can get a fresh start on those tomorrow. 

Life is so damned complex -- being authentic AND professional actually confuses me so much. 

Give PEACE the chance.

I took the picture above on the way home from the beach.

Beautiful graffiti.

But that word resonated within - at that moment and several more times.

My friend - Patti - upon suddenly finding herself lurching forward from a very negative situation, sums it up for me.

"I want to come home, come into a place of peace, and not have to worry about what's going to trigger an argument or how careful I have to be about what I say"

That's me - I want to be surrounded with PEACE.

Simplicity and PEACE.

I want my surroundings to feel serene, secure, simple, peaceful.

I want to feel like I can create and welcome others readily.

I want to be a part of something that feels connected, but not stressful.

I want to lay down every night with the thoughts that "I made a difference in some way today."

I want others to see and feel that I am at PEACE with who and where I am.

St. Augustine sunrise.

We detoured early that morning. I wanted to ride the ferry at Jacksonville.

The intended breakfast stop was not open yet. 

We decided to stop later. 

Little did we know that LATER was to be a LOT LATER in Jacksonville at a McDonald's. 

Oh but the laughter - the coastal beauty as it was dark, then gradually gained light and finally as the sun began to rise. 

Story telling. 

Beauty appreciation. 

Laughter.

Fun.

Felt like adventure. 

AND THE DAMNED FERRY WAS CLOSED.

We still had a great morning.

Hawks.

God, how I adore hawks.

From when I was pregnant with Molly, I've been enamoured with them.

See, every morning of my pregnancy, I spotted the same one in the same area of my trip to work. 

It gave me comfort to spot him. 

Now I actively seek these stunning birds of prey. 

My love for them has me learning about them and other birds of prey. 

I know this guy was a RED TAILED HAWK. 

And he (or she) seemed to sit patiently for me as I tried settings on the camera. 

The internal conversation I was having was affirming in this moment too. 

I am moving on into a season of satisfaction with who I am and where I am. 

My health is improving because of these things.

Less stress is ALWAYS a good thing. 

I will praise Him for every sunrise and every sunset. 

I have upheld that promise I made on April 11, 2010.

Cancer.

You can say you will not be defined by it.

But in many ways I am.

That diagnosis and recovery changed me. 

I hope those changes made me a better person. Actually, I know those changes made me a better person. 

As strange as this sounds. 

Being a cancer survivor brought me HOPE. 

Because by surviving, I got another chance to change things for the better. 

Let me tell you --- I smile and laugh a whole lot more now. 

I love a whole lot bigger.

I forgive with no expectations of the other party. 

Cancer --- life altering for so many reasons --- you get to choose whether those alterations are positive or negative. 

Just so you know ---- there was no gold at either end of this --- I checked.

Beauty --- I sat and watched this form and then I stayed and watched it fade. 

It was the afternoon of a visit with someone who may not survive cancer. 

Instead of sadness, she generates so much peace and joy. 

So this promise sign spoke and said that we are NEVER alone.

Worthy of watching and recording don't you think?

4 wheeler views.

These come with time spent in nature.

Watching - breathing deeply - relaxing.

Firepit time.

Great sleep.

I even dressed me and spent lots of time in the stand.

Alone.

This is new again for me.

See my Daddy hunted, but since he died I was not exposed.

Crusty Old Guy has reintroduced me to that activity.

I hunt with my camera. Pistol with me as a defense only.

But it sure is fun.

I laughed the first morning.
Cold.
Very cold.
I bundled up.
Onto the 4 wheeler.
and remarked how Daddy is probably laughing right now about this.

I'll be continuing that little project.

Blogging has changed.

Almost replaced by instagram and other social media outlets. 

But folks, I like it here. 

My little online journal. 

Where I can spill me and return for visits with my past self. 

I can see improvements in my photography.

I can see the growth that is happening.

It's interesting to re-read the entries. 

As part of my REFOCUS, I want to find a way to add to my financial stability utilizing my passions for creating and photography. I have no desire to become a photographer, but yet I would like to share my photographs in a low key financial manner. But I am not sure how. So more thought will go into that direction. 

The photo above is a favorite. 

I have no idea why silhouettes are so drawing to me. 

But they are and I scan the horizon as I drive or walk looking for those types of images.

I am still looking for the perfect church steeple one and the perfect wind mill and water tower too. 

Funny - I can't describe what those are, but I am quite sure I will KNOW it when it appears. 

I do plan to spend time on backroads this year, looking for fun things to photograph.

My mama likes to go, so maybe I can sucker her into a few of these trips.

Birds are hard to photograph. They just will not sit still. (insert smile there) 

This little guy is a steady visitor, to the pecan trees out back. 

Christmas Day was gorgeous and I sat at the patio table ALL afternoon. 

Crocheting.

Listening to his soft little hammer as he searched for food.

Once I spotted him, I started the photos.

The first one - obviously he's found something. 

And then I was patient --- waiting for him to stop for just a minute. 

That patience paid off.

Just look at that second picture. 

Cardinals are supposedly the presence of angels around us. 

And everyone spots those bright, colorful, males.

The females are less obvious, but look at those gorgeous colors. I really would like to have a blanket in those neutrals with just an occasional red, dark blue, and orange bit of color.

Isn't she stunning.

My thoughts here are much more philosophical.

I thing we are all waiting for beautiful moments. 

Tomorrow.

When I get out of school.

When I retire.

when I get out of debt. 

How about we go HUNT those moments. 

SEEK them out. 

Then maybe, just maybe, we will slow down.

Rest.

Relax.

Breathe.

The photo above is my newest screen saver. 

That gorgeous light.

I was walking across the yard, and the light was simply stunning. 

Soft and golden.

I wanted to see if I could capture the "wish flowers" in silhouette. (see above commentary) 

That did not happen - but that soft and ethereal photo did happen. 

AND I LOVE IT

I went looking for beauty in my definition and found something totally different. 

Yes --- that --- that is what slowing down and simplicity is. 

Lets' talk about this big guy. 

He made an appearance here  and here .

I consider him MY hawk.

He's a big - red shouldered guy. 

And he oversees Serenity Field.

It gives me great pleasure to spot him in the tree line. 

I'll often just sit or stand and watch him. 

I ALWAYS thank God for the gift of seeing him. 

And I pray for Crusty Old Guy to be able to continue seeing everything.

He has macular degeneration and also some other vision issues that have cropped up since his cateract surgery.

We have yet another appointment with a specialist on Tuesday January 24.

Please lift us up as we chase down these issues in the hope that we get some improvements in his sight. 

I cannot imagine losing mine and it hurts me to see him struggle with his. 

Last photo.

Last thoughts for now. 

That is a Brown Thrasher. 

He's beautiful, but is often hidden by staying in and under dense brush. 

I spotted this one by listening to the songs he was singing and the rustle of leaves as he rummaged through the leaves. 

Maybe that's what we are doing. 

Hiding under and behind so much, that others have a difficult time seeing us. 

Maybe we also have a hard time seeing others, because we are unwilling to listen for the songs. 

Maybe if we all listen and share and seek, we can expand love and respect for us all. 

Because we are all beautiful

Just some thoughts.

Been a while...

The last time I was here was July.

Lots has happened since then. 

And I got side tracked from this space. 

But that is life.

So it's time again to pour out. 

I'm still downsizing things.

Throwing away.

Using.

Giving away. 

Finding ways to effectively store.

Learning more about who I am.

Why I am this way.

Why I really needed to make changes.

And I look for beauty every moment of everyday.

Because you cannot have a lovely silhouette without seeing darkness.....

think about that for a minute. 

From the darkness in my life, rise moments of beauty and let me tell you, I search for that beauty. 

Like below. 

But every now and then you get stuck. 

Focusing on the negative "prickly" parts of living. 

And that is how it happens. 

I get side tracked. 

So then I have to rework my focus again. 

My house is a mess.

This fact is a disappointment to my children.

OH GOD HOW I HATE THAT THEIR MOTHER IS A DISAPPOINTMENT.

I am so sorry girls. 

I'm trying and failing and trying and failing.

over and over and over

And then I get focused on that and then I don't like myself and then I get all overwhelmed and regretful and then and then and then. 

See I got focused on the prickly bits. 

the hurtful and the those cobwebby things that try and hold us all back or get in the way of progressing forward. 

Like that picture below.

If we all could only step back and look at the bigger parts. 

Yes, I need to keep the laundry folded.

But I would rather you see me making a special gift for someone. 

Yes, the Christmas decorating needs to happen.

But first I have to clear the surfaces of crap in order to make the room. 

I promise I'll get there. 

But I beg your patience as I work through the emotional entangled mess that stuff has over me. 

And please reassure me that the progress is appreciated and not just expected. 

I really think that is a large part of many issues.

We just don't take time to appreciate. 

I promise one day, you will want to talk to me.

Having faced the cancer demon and almost losing that battle, I sure hope it won't be too late.

Until then, I'll be searching for moments that make my heart grateful for the new day. 

See that sunrise below -- another chance to get it right.

Clarity comes in unexpected moments.

I failed in many ways

But then there is that moment when reality says.

LOVE WILL WIN.

That clarity that says we all will survive.

And if we each pay attention and live fully in each moment, we will not only survive, we will thrive. 

And by thriving among all the chaos, we will be able to stand taller that before and be an inspiration to others. 

And again the stark darkness will be seen as beautiful when it is surrounded by the light. 

Then there are those moments that are just beautiful. 

Nothing is complicated.

Very little stress surrounding them.

Just simple, graceful, beautiful moments. 

For 2017, those are the ones I am going to attempt to collect. 

I am sure there will be opportunity to deal with negative and stressful and complex and difficult.

But I am really going to try hard to see those lovely ones instead.

Of course folding the laundry might just give me a better view. 

Long range plans are being made.

These plans will make a difference in all our lives, once we all get over the initial shocks of change.

Just look way out there --- beyond the mundane and see the glory ----

I know this all come about jumbled and cryptic.

Because I feel that way right now myself. 

But I am tired of shortchanging me and trying to make everyone happy and seeing nothing but silence, disappointment, and frustration from those in my home. 

Out here - I am different --- out here - I can breathe.

and this last photo has a seriously funny story. 

Returning from deer camp in the early morning light. 

I look to the right and see that glow on the rails. 

I want that photo. 

I want to capture this moment.

I want a way to remember how I feel - right now. 

so.

I pull over - shut the car off - grab the camera and walk back to the tracks. 

I know I am safe because I will hear a train coming or feel the vibration in plenty of time. 

So I meander onto the tracks.

Kneel carefully on a cross tie. 

and proceed to focus my attention though the camera lens.

Just a few moments later, I see flashing blue lights in my peripheral vision.

Looking over my shoulder, I see the young officer carefully approaching me. 

"is everything okay ma'am" 

Yes sir, I'm taking photos of the sunrise in the bend up there.

The relief flooded his face.

He was not going to have to drag a nut case - waiting for the train - from the tracks today.

I processed in my mind what he saw when he approached the crossing, and fully understood his concern. 

Kneeling woman, looked to be in prayer (he couldn't see the camera from his angle), patiently waiting for the train. 

My response.

Yes sir, I am a little crazy, but I am not MENTAL. 

So yes, this photo has the ability to take me right back to that moment of hysterical laughter. 

It's who I am.

It matters that you see me. 

It really matters that you care about me. 

It matters even more that you do NOT try to change me. 

But seeing me, caring about me, and accepting me are not all of it. 

The biggest thing that matters is that you love me even in my darkest of moments. 

Because loving in the good times is way too damned easy. 

Loving in the darkness means stumbling, falling, failing, getting up and trying again. 

It means not knowing the way, yet trying to keep us moving. 

It means a steadying hand when I have stumbled and really do't have the energy to go on. 

It means accepting that we need each other to get through this thing. 

It means that when I am lashing out at everything, because I am frustrated by anything, you simply choose to stand strong. 

And it means that I know when the light comes, you will be there to see it again with me. 

I love you this way. 

You are not alone in this.